Would you please realize that you are my dream, not my nightmare.
I wait because this is worth waiting for. But how many times do I have to give you
what I so willingly gave that special night of sunsets before you tell me that
you love me? What have I not done to convince you that I am here to stay?
Did I give you this intensity for nothing? My tears fall almost every night, but that
still isn't real enough for you. Sometimes I wonder if I will come out of this heartbroken
and alone like all the other times. All I ask for is your heart to tell me all that it
will so I can understand and maybe I will see myself in your eyes. I don't see why you fear
me. I'm trying to be everything all in one to you. I try to be your mother. I've
always been your friend. I want to be your lover, forever, without an end. Why won't you let me?
Tempting
7-13-97
So much being unanswered. Where does it end, and will he be
there to see me go? Crash me into the ground and watch my honor
crumble with me. Can I forever give up reaching for that which
cannot be touched? Will the mystery captivate me even one more
time before I stabilize? I'll place my bet and cross my fingers
and let the moonlight guide me home.
Who wrote the book of love?
7-13-97
I was always good with words, until the moment came for me to confess
everything. It's so simple. Just 3 words, yet they have so much
meaning pushing them onward. I expanded 3 words into a book of a million words.
It just seems so vague. There are so many metaphors. And you never knew that
it was published just for you. I wrote a story of our life together and
how it would be. I loved every page of it. I read it a thousand times over
until it was perfected. And my mind was set. I know what I want and
now all there is left to do is put it into action. I put together a script to
make a movie. And it starred you and me. It touched everyone who saw it.
People watched and they were touched by how strong our hearts became
as they were joined together. Those who were alone cried. Those who were
happily and unhappily married cried. Everyone who had a heart inside their
chest cried. The whole world cried with us. Now that the book has been written,
all we need do now is start on the first page and go from there. And maybe we'll
write a never-ending series together. Maybe our story of love will never have an end.
In Silence
7-15-97
I walk in silence. Every footstep marks another milestone reached.
We walked together, but we walked alone. I couldn't even look him
in his eyes. He refused to hold my hand. We walked in silence.
I speak in silence. The thoughts I think, I never say. But the words,
he knows are there. I fear that he will look away if what I feel is
made known. We never speak a word, but so much is said. We speak in silence.
Never-Ending Secret
7-17-97
My love, my dream. I must come clean. This secret is killing me as it may seem.
I simply cannot wait or it will be too late. Don't tell me to stop because this is my fate.
Forever is too short, so says time's report: Eternity still has to end somewhere, or something of the sort.
(Not yet completely finished)
That which I cherish, I keep. That which I keep, I love.
8-19-97
Darkness Emerging
8-19-97
This burning desire.
This love that's on fire.
I'm melting, can't you feel me?
I'm becoming one with you.
I'm turning off the light.
I'm not putting up a fight.
The darkness makes me want to be
dreaming next to you.
I stare into the flame.
It's me who is to blame.
I'm naked so there's nothing
that can keep me from reaching you.
Am I still your star?
Or have I gone too far?
I just wanted to be bright enough
so I could still see you.
I watch this candle burn
as my desire for you does yearn.
I wait until the light is gone
before I become one with you.
The Secrets That Kill Me
9-1-97
I feel so dirty, my eyes could not see.
Why do I feel betrayed about someone who came before me?
I look into the mirror inside of my head
and I see the little whore who's clothes lay next to his bed.
Just another night that was supposed to mean so much,
but now I shudder with his every single touch.
What I gave to him that night wasn't enough I suppose.
Now I feel too much time will pass before again I will shed off my clothes.
I see my trembling reflection, but then I turn away.
This pain will find its way out of me, but I don't think that will happen today.
I tell him as I hold back tears, "Give me time to heal",
but I'm the fool because I have yet to tell him how I really feel.
Stabilizing
12-7-97
Take me but try not to dissolve me.
I try to give you security
but as I turn my back for a moment
it just disappears.
Love me as I love you
and don't ask why I do.
Your temper, so unruly,
I cannot control your anger.
But I stay and I wait
for your madness to be calm
and then I take you into my world
where pain cannot exist.
Will you take my hand
and follow me into the sunset?
To the place where our star always shines,
night or day, it burns brightly.
So take my hand, my love,
and leave your fears behind you.
Hey, check this out. It's our own poem we recite every night before
you leave after we've been out.
Our Poem of Night
12-16-97
Look, there's our star and the moon.
Kiss me under the moonlight, my love
for I will always love you.
I've enjoyed our precious time spent together
and I will never let go of you.
Take care,
keep your head in the stars
and your feet on the ground.
Keep look out for our star.
I shall see you when the sun rises again.
I love you so, my love.
Forever.
Ripples Between Us
3-7-98
If for some reason you leave
you've set sail before I could meet you,
I shall watch your boat float away
across the river
... to the other side
.... into the sunset
and I shall cry into the waters below
for I missed you.
and I so dearly wanted to go.
But my tears of misfortune
will turn from ripples into waves
to help you along your way
to the place you were truly meant to be.
And if I were meant to accompany you,
... and your boat will not turn back,
the sails of yet another
will come to me from the distance
and bring me to you
into your arms
.... forevermore.
But if a boat will not come along
to take me across the river
then I shall mourn
as a swan does sigh
and in loneliness
.... I shall die.
