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E.R.
Union Station: Coming Home
By: Emma Day
Part Five
"This place looks great," Susan told Carol. "You've done a
lot of work on it."
"Well, it needed it. Here, take these," Carol handed her a
bowl of chips. After a pause, she asked, "So, did you call
Mark?"
"Yeah, a couple of times, but I just got his machine." Susan
frowned. "Carol, I think he's avoiding me."
"Why do you say that?"
"He was acting pretty odd yesterday, don't you think? And I
thought he'd come out last night, but...."
"He probably just needed some time to get used to seeing you
again. I'm sure he'll be here tonight."
"I hope so, I really miss him."
Carol smiled. "I bet."
"What?"
"Nothing. Help me with this keg, will you?"
***
Susan found herself hovering near the front door, but was
disappointed each time it opened. At last she gave up, and
made her way into the kitchen to find a beer.
He wasn't coming. That was clear. What wasn't clear to her
was why. What had she done? She had spoken to him only three
weeks earlier, and everything had been fine. She paused, and
her brow creased into a frown. Thinking back on it perhaps
things had been a little strained, but they'd still parted as
friends. Why was he so different now?
She was so lost in her thoughts, that she didn't hear Carol
enter, and nearly jumped out of her skin when she jabbed her
in the ribs.
"Guess who's just pulled up outside?" Carol asked with a wide
grin.
Susan didn't have to ask. She felt her mouth stretch into a
broad smile. "I knew he'd come," she said, unconsciously
running a hand through her hair.
Carol's grin matched her own. "Go open the door then!"
Susan took a deep breath, and was surprised to feel her heart
thundering in her chest. IT'S JUST MARK, she reminded
herself, without much success. For some reason, it wasn't
JUST MARK any more. Composing herself she opened the door.
"Hey Mark," she grinned. And then stopped dead. Her grin
turned sickly, and fixed to her face. Mark was walking up the
drive with his arm firmly about the waist of a tall, striking
brunette.
"Hi Susan," Mark said as they climbed up the porch steps.
"How's it going?" He looked shy, and didn't quite meet her
eye. Before she could answer, he rushed on. "Let me
introduce you to a good friend of mine, Bernadette Conley.
She's a psychologist over at Hope. Bernie, this is Susan
Lewis."
"Hi," Bernie said smiling. "Mark's told me a lot about you."
I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME, Susan thought, but if she said
anything, she hardly knew what. She supposed she must have
said something, because they both smiled at her and walked on
into Carol's house. Susan was left holding the door open, and
feeling as if the rest of the house was crashing about her
ears. No one had told her about Bernadette.
Her stomach churned and she felt sick. Her eyes blurred with
unexpected tears, and the air in the room suddenly became too
thick to breath. Hardly knowing what she did, she walked out
into the warm night, and closed the door behind her.
HE'S WITH SOMEONE ELSE. The realisation came like a lightning
bolt, and illuminated everything. It all became brilliantly,
horribly clear. He was with Bernadette; no surprise he was
avoiding her. He probably didn't know how to tell her. He
was with Bernadette. He didn't love her any more. She knew
she should be glad for him; he was her best friend. She
laughed a low, bitter laugh. It was impossible. BEST FRIEND?
She could hardly believe herself. The light had illuminated
more than she would have liked - it had exposed her own
feelings too. She recognised the truth as soon as it crashed
in on her. She loved him. She had always admitted that much.
She loved him, but more than that, she was IN LOVE with him.
The truth hit her like a blow, and she sat down heavily under
its weight. Tears blurred her vision again. WHAT HAVE I
DONE? she asked herself. OH GOD, HOW WAS I SO BLIND? Her
head sank into her hands and tears leaked from her eyes. I
REALISE I LOVE HIM, AND NOW I'VE LOST HIM. ONLY I COULD
MANAGE ALL THAT IN ONE NIGHT. She tried to laughed again, but
it threatened to turn into a sob, so she stifled it.
"You OK, Dr Lewis?" Carter was standing at the bottom of the
porch steps.
She looked up quickly, and wiped self-consciously at her eyes.
"Fine, Cater." Her voice trembled, but she ignored it. "I'm
glad you could make it."
"Are you crying?" he asked, taking a step closer.
"No," she stood up abruptly. "I just needed some air, is
all."
"Ok," he said cautiously. "So, shall we go in?"
"Go ahead," she told him, forcing her voice into composure.
"I think I might stay here for a while. It's a nice night."
Carter looked up into the clear night sky. "Yes, it is," he
agreed. "Do you want some company?"
She smiled sadly at him, and felt her eyes fill again.
Turning away, she said, "I think I'd like to be alone for a
while."
Carter shrugged and walked up the steps. "Ok, but don't be
too long. This party's meant to be for you, don't forget."
She nodded. "I know. Don't worry."
Light, music and laughter burst through the door as Carter
entered Carol's house, but it washed over Susan. Her heart
was lead, and her world had suddenly turned grey. HE DOESN'T
LOVE ME ANY MORE. It was only now, when it was too late, that
she realised just how important his love was to her. She had
never felt so alone. He had always been there for her, but
now she had lost him. Tears threatened again, but she forced
them back. Somehow, she had to get through the rest of the
evening. She squared her shoulders against the sorrow that
threatened to overwhelm her, and with a determined, if
trembling hand, opened the door and returned to the party.
***
Mark scanned the room, but couldn't see Susan. He noticed a
number of curious glances directed towards himself and
Bernadette. It gave him a kind of grim satisfaction. They
probably all assumed he would spend the night trailing after
Susan like a puppy dog. So, let them wonder. He just wished
he knew what Susan was thinking. She HAD been surprised. He
was sure of that, and for a moment he felt a pang of guilt.
Perhaps he should have called her first to warn her, she was
meant to be his friend after all. But no, she was the one who
had turned up out of the blue. He was just trying to keep his
world together. In a few days, she'd leave again - what did
any of it matter?
"It's great to meet all of your friends at last," Bernie said,
interrupting is thoughts.
"Sure," he replied, trying to smile at her. "Shall we find a
drink?"
She smiled back at him, and squeezed his hand. "Lead the
way!"
Bernadette Conley was beautiful, and intelligent, incredibly
sexy, and...yet she did nothing for him. They had been out a
couple of times, but he hadn't planned to call her again. He
DID feel guilty about that. He'd only brought her tonight
because of Susan. He knew he wouldn't call her again. But so
what? When it came to women, he knew from experience that it
was the nice guys who got hurt.
Carol and Doug were standing together in the kitchen, laughing
about something.
"Hi," Mark said, trying to avoid meeting their eyes. He knew
exactly what they would think about his date.
"Where's the beer?" he asked.
"On the counter," Carol told him, a million questions in her
voice.
"Hi, I'm Doug," Doug introduced himself to Bernie. "Are you
with Mark?"
"Yes, I'm Bernadette Conley," she replied with a smile. "I
guess you're Doug Ross? Mark's told me all about you. And
you must be Carol," she continued, turning to Carol.
"That's right."
Mark saw Doug and Carol exchange a glance. "So, what do you
do?" Carol asked Bernie.
Doug put a hand on Mark's shoulder. "Could I have a word with
you?" he asked propelling him out of the kitchen.
"What the hell are you doing?" Doug hissed in Mark's ear, as
soon as the kitchen door closed behind them.
Mark shook free, and turned to face him.
"You wanted me to come, so here I am," he snapped back.
"What's the problem?"
"Does this make it easier for you?" Doug asked, frowning down
at he shoes.
"Yes," Mark took a swig of his beer.
"I see," Doug looked up, "she hurt you, so now you hurt her
back?"
"I'm not hurting anyone." He looked away as he said that. It
wasn't quite true, but he shrugged Bernadette out of his mind.
He doubted she'd really care.
"You don't think this will hurt Susan?" Doug asked.
"We're just FRIENDS," he replied, shocked at the bitterness he
heard in his voice. His jaw clenched. "That's the way she
wanted it."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Doug, she moved to Phoenix. I'm pretty sure!"
At that point Carter joined them. "Hey, is Dr Lewis Ok?" he
asked. "I just came in, and she was sitting outside. I think
she was crying."
Mark felt his heart thud, and his stomach squirmed. Doug gave
him a very significant look. SHE WAS CRYING? DID I MAKE HER
CRY? I DIDN'T MEAN TO. He stopped himself. Of course he'd
meant to. "I'll go see if she's Ok," he said, starting to
push his way through the crush of people.
"Hold on," Carter grabbed his sleeve as he passed. "There she
is." He nodded over to the other side of the room. Susan was
chatting to Randi and some of the nurses, laughing a little.
As he looked, she glanced in his direction, but withdrew her
gaze as soon as she saw him watching her.
"She looks all right," he said quietly.
"Why don't you go talk to her anyway?" Doug asked. He draped
an arm over Carter's shoulder. "Carter and I need to find
more beer!"
"Not me," Carter told him, as they left. "I'm due on in an
hour."
Doug's reply was cut off by the bang of the kitchen door.
Mark continued watching Susan. JUST GO AND TALK TO HER, he
told himself. YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE HER. IT'S NOT FAIR.
Gritting his teeth, he headed through the crowd. When he was
nearly there his courage almost failed, but just as he was
about to back off, she turned around.
"Oh," was all she said.
"Hi, Susan." He forced a smile. "So...nice party."
She nodded. "It was a good of Carol."
"Yeah." He couldn't think of anything else to say, so took a
swig of beer to cover the awkward silence. He nearly choked
when Susan said:
"So, how long have you been seeing Bernadette?"
"Oh," he spluttered, "only a few months. Since you've been
gone, really." DON'T LIE, YOU IDIOT, he screamed at himself,
too late.
Susan smiled awkwardly, but the smile failed to reach her
eyes. "I'm happy for you," she said in a tight voice,
"Bernadette seems really nice."
Mark felt his heart racing, and his mouth go dry. "Oh, well
she's..."
"...right here, sweetheart!" Bernadette slipped an arm about
his waist. "Did you miss me?"
He laughed, or at least tried to, but wasn't convinced he had
succeeded.
"I've just been talking to Carol Hathaway," Bernie continued.
"She's great isn't she?"
"Yes, she is," Susan said quietly.
"I am so glad to meet you at last," Bernadette told her.
"Mark talks about you all the time."
"Does he?" she looked up at him, and almost smiled.
Looking away sharply, he said "I think you're exaggerating a
little."
Bernie laughed. "Hardly," she grabbed Susan's hand, and
winked at her. "If you didn't live in Arizona, I'd probably
be jealous."
Susan only smiled a thin smile, and gently pulled her hand
away. Mark thought he was going to die with embarrassment.
"Do you want to dance?" he asked, desperate to get Bernie away
from Susan.
"Sure," Bernie and Susan answered together.
Susan's hand went immediately to her mouth. "Oh, I'm sorry,"
she said hastily. Her cheeks were turning scarlet. "Oh,
there's Carol. I'll see you later." Without another look at
Mark, she hurried away through the crowd. He watched her go
in frustration. IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT, he told himself
bitterly.
As he danced slowly with Bernadette she laid her head against
his chest. His pulse slowed, now that Susan was out of sight.
THINK ABOUT IT, he told himself. THIS IS FOR THE BEST. IF
YOU'D DANCED WITH HER, THEN WHAT? IT WOULDN'T CHANGE
ANYTHING. SHE'S STILL LEAVING AT THE END OF THE WEEK. He
sighed, and closed his eyes, trying not to remember dancing
with her. Trying not to remember how she'd felt in his arms.
THIS IS FOR THE BEST.
Part Six