Zoltar's Return
A Battle of the Planets fanfic by Eddie Vagg (Apologies to Gatchaman, which I wish to watch someday.)
Authors Note: Battle of the Planets was the first Anime I had ever seen. It introduced me subconsciously to a genre, and I was hooked for life. Ever since then, my favourite cartoons were Japanese. These cartoons were: (in rough order) Battle of the planets, Star Blazers, Astro Boy, Kimba the white lion, Robotech. Later in life came cinematic releases like Akira, and of course Project A-ko. and now I also watch OAV's like Macross Plus, and Ranma 1/2.
With the return of Star Wars, retro shows like Funky Squad, and the release of the Activision game Interstate '76, I was reminded of my own childhood, wearing grey skivvies and corduroy trousers. I was reminded of Battle of the Planets, one of the funkiest pieces of Anime I have ever witnessed. I now present to you a fanfic based on Sandy Frank's comedy hack-job, Battle of the Planets.
(Well, It wasn't made as a comedy at the time, but I think it's funny.)
Voice of God: Battle of the Planets! G-Force! Five incredible young people with super powers! And watching over them from Center Neptune; 7 Zark 7!!!! Watching... WARNING against surprise attacks by Alien Galaxies from beyond space. G-Force! Fearless young orphans protecting Earth's entire galaxy. Always five, acting as one. Dedicated, inseparable, *invincible!*
Zoltar's Return
Establishing shot: Centre Neptune. (An underwater base)
Interior, A Retro-futuristic control room, circa 1978 going onto 2000. (?) 7 Zark 7 and his robot dog (1 Rover 1) are present.
7 Zark 7: Hello readers, I'm 7 Zark 7. This is my faithful canine companion, 1 Rover 1.
1 Rover 1: Wrrrapp whap waaaaaap.
7 Zark 7: Tee Hee! I know you're not a real dog...
(1 Rover 1 cocks his leg near a control panel and leaks oil.)
7 Zark 7 (Continuing) But sometimes that can be a blessing. Together, we monitor the galaxy against the evil forces of Spectra. Every week Zoltar returns with another one of his villainous schemes, I wonder what he is up to now?
A dark and stormy night. The wind is blowing, it's raining cats and dogs, and thunder rumbles the heavens.
It is a typical campsite, with typical Australians huddling in their typical tents protected from the weather. Typical.
All of a sudden, something crashes into the clearing, stepping on a tent.
A 100 meter tall Pink Bunny Rabbit!
(Over-the-top drama music)
Another retro-futuristic set, this one looks alien and foreboding. A tall man with purple robes and a pointy hat faces a weird viewing screen. In the screen resides a strange face, The Luminous One.
Zoltar: O luminous spirit, the test for our new secret weapon was successful.
Luminous one: Indeed I am pleased, Zoltar, But I need even more to make me even more pleased. I want G-Force destroyed!
Zoltar: It should be easy, Exalted One, this is our most powerful, most destructive secret weapon yet! G-Force shall be defeated. I promise you that. And the Earth will belong to Spectra.
Luminous One: Do not fail me, Zoltar, I do not tolerate mistakes.
Zoltar: O Luminous one. I will not fail you.
(More dramatic music)
5 Badly dressed, badly drawn teenagers pursue their token interests. All wear Polyester flared pants, and each member of G-force wears a garish T-shirt with a number on it. (1-Mark, 2-Jason, 3-Princess, 4-Keyop, and 5-Tiny.)
Mark and Jason are playing Table Tennis, Princess and Keyop are playing Bass and Drums respectively, and the ironically named Tiny is stuffing his face with spaceburgers.
Mark: Great. Here we are, animated by lazy Americans, recycling the same footage for each and every episode and playing table tennis endlessly.
Jason: We're ahead of our time, futuristic as we are. Do you realise how much it costs to animate a minute and a half of footage?
Princess and Keyop simultaneously stop playing.
Princess: I agree. It's economical to re-use old footage. Also, we need something pointless to fill in the gaps from all the "edits".
Keyop: Rrrrrr Rooot poot Cheap!
Keyop breaks into one of his triumphant drum solo's distracting Mark who hits the ball astray of the ping-pong table. The ball startles Tiny, who was about to take another bite of spaceburger. At that exact moment, (as usual) 7 Zark 7 appears on the video monitor.
7 Zark 7: Attention G-Force! Zoltar has returned with a fiendish new secret weapon.
Mark: What kind of secret weapon?
Jason: Whatever it is, we can handle it.
7 Zark 7: I'm sure you can. But needless to say, you should always proceed with caution. Zoltar's machines are dangerous!
Mark: We'll take care, Zark.
7 Zark 7: Meet with Chief Anderson for further details. And team, Good luck!
The entire team raise their arms ito their chests in some kind of salute.
Everyone: G-FORCE!
Security Chief Anderson addresses the team in his briefing room.
Chief Anderson: Team, Zoltar has returned with a new menace. Last night in Australia a 100 metre tall pink Bunny Rabbit savaged a campsite. 7 Zark 7 reports that everyone got out in time, and nobody was injured. That is fortunate. However, we are assuming that Spectra's new addition to their arsenal is even more destructive than previous mecha.
Mark: Even nastier than last week's giant Sloth?
Jason: Or that mutant Pigeon frenzy?
Chief Anderson remains serious.
Chief Anderson: Those encounters were challenging. But this new threat could be your most dangerous mission yet. Observe the odd drum the bunny is holding. It may contain some sort of tractor beam. Proceed with caution. Any questions?
Jason: Yeah. That moustache of yours. Is it real?
Mark: TRANSMUTE!
Amid a spectacular light show, and '70's music, the G-Force team all transmute into their respective Birdstyle battle suits. Jason-a Condor, Princess-a swan, Keyop-some kinda sparrow, and Tiny-an owl. Mark has a new costume, in the shape of a vulture!
Mark: Ha ha, very funny. Who's the wise guy who modified the frequency of my activator?
Princess, Keyop and Tiny look bewildered, Jason whistles innocently.
Mark: Never mind, there's no time to waste. To the Phoenix!
Stock footage of G-Force boarding Phoenix. Somewhere along the line, Mark has fixed his activator, he is back in his white eagle getup.
Water fills the airlock, and the Phoenix departs Centre Neptune, rises to the surface, and breaks into flight.
Meanwhile, back in Australia the pink 100 meter bunny rabbit is wreaking more havok. Zoltar himself is onboard, supervising the attack.
Zoltar: Hahahaha! With the fall of Australia, the rest of the world is sure to follow. After all, Australia is Earth's leading military power.
Long haired lieutenant: Well actually Zoltar...
Zoltar: Silence you fool!
The Spectra henchmam shuts up.
Nervous radar operator: Zoltar! Another radar blip at 9 o'clock!
Zoltar: G-Force! At last I will finally destroy them completely!
Nervous radar operator: Uh.. Sorry. Another civillian airliner. Whoops....
Zoltar: So! Qantas has a perfect no accident record... We'll change that. Open fire!
Long haired lieutenant: Actually, Zoltar, I think that plane's Ansett...
Zoltar: I've had just about enough of your insolence! If I were not so merciful (thanks to Sandy Frank) I would make an example of you!
Long haired lieutenant: Uh. Sorry.
Zoltar: So you should be.
Back to the Phoenix.
Keyop: Arrrr Root Toot Are we there yet?
Mark: No.
Keyop: Arrrr Root Tutt toot Are we there yet?
Mark: No.
Keyop: Rrrr Root boot toot toot Toot Are we there yet?
Mark: No.... Wait, now we are. Wake up, Tiny
Tiny: Zzxzzzz... (wakes) Are we there yet?
Mark: Yes.
Jason: Deadly killer pink bunny rabbit ahead!
Princess: Oh no!
Jason: (Running to the BIG RED BUTTON) I'll take care of this!
Mark: No! Don't attack just yet. We'll follow it back to it's secret base.
The Spectra Bunny Rabbit's drum opens up, revealling some kind of ray gun. The tractor beam fires, encompassing the Phoenix and dragging the spaceship to the ground.
Mark: Pull up, Tiny, We're gonna crash!
Tiny: Can't... Reach... Control... Panel... Too Fat!
(dramatic music)
Rudely interrupting the drama, 7 Zark 7 makes his mid-episode scheduled appearance.
7 Zark 7: Oh My! It seems that G-force is in a spot of bother. I hate it when this happens. You know, the team means the world to me. Where was I?
1 Rover 1: Wraaaap wraap whap!
7 Zark 7: Oh yes. Time for me to fly across the room for no reason whatsoever.
7 Zark 7 defies the laws of physics by flying across the room with no more that a pissy little cape. (flapping quickly, so I suppose it's all right then...)
1 Rover 1 upstatges Zark by rotating his tail helicopter-style, and flying in his undignified upside down method.
7 Zark 7: Aren't dogs amazing these days?
1 Rover 1: Whap waap!
7 Zark 7: You're right. I am a distracting git. Let's look at the psychedelic monitors and find out how G-Force are coping.
Mark: Hold on tight guy's, we're advancing to super speed!
Mark pushes the generic throttle, and a power gauge shows that the engines have increased thrust. The Phoenix vibrates ominously, everyone looks worried, and then the Phoenix breaks free of the insidious tractor beam.
Tiny: We did it!
Keyop: Arrr rooot root toot toot root Yay!
The Bunny stomps on another tent.
Mark: That does it! Take her around, Tiny for another pass. This means war!
Tiny: Big 10 chief.
Mark: O.K Jason, you get to press the big red button after all.
Jason's eyes gleam.
Jason: (pressing button) Take this!
The Phoenix's rocket launcher opens fire repetitively.
Jason: (repeatedly stabbing button) And this.. And this.. And this...
A firesorm engulfs the campsite, incinerating tents and people alike. The bunny is hidden by all the smoke.
Mark: Ok Jason, you can stop now. I think he's had enough.
Jason: (disappointed) I was just warming up!
The smoke clears, and the 100 meter tall pink bunny rabbit remains, still beating it's drum.
Zoltar: Hahahaha! G-Force dosen't have a chance against the might of Spectra! (turns to Long haired lieutenant.) How is the power supply?
Long haired lieutenant: Just fine, Zoltar. The energy cells just keep going, and going, and going...
Zoltar: I've finally found a brand name I can trust. Activate the laser cannons!
The rabbit's eyes glow, than shoot dodgy looking energy beams at the Pheonix. They hit, causing considerable damage.
The G-Force team are rocked around the interior of their spaceship like so many Star Trek extras.
Jason: They're firing at us!
Mark: Must you always state the obvious, Jason?
Tiny: I don't know how much more we can take of this!
Princess: Oh no!
Keyop: Rrrrooot toot toot Dead meat!
Mark does his grim look.
Mark: There's only one chance. We have to go to the fiery Phoenix. It's our only hope.
Tiny: I don't know if the ship can take the strain!
Mark: That's a chance we'll have to take. Ok Tiny, I'll take over now. (pushes generic throttle) Modulators set, fusion on!
The Phoenix transmutes, catching fire, and spreading wings. It indeed looks lika a Fiery Phoenix, rolling through the sky and letting out an obnoxious, unearthly squawk.
Inside the Phoenix, the G-Force team all do their "immense strain" bit.
Long haired lieutenant: It's heading right for us!
Zoltar: Curses! Foiled again! Everyone abandon ship immediately!
The Fiery Phoenix slices through the bunny, destroying it instantly. Luckily, Zoltar, and everyone on board reached the escape pods in time.
The Phoenix emerges from the bushfire it just caused, and does a victory roll.
Princess: We did it!
Keyop: Arr Root Toot toot Fried Bunny!
Tiny: Whew!
Mark: Well done team.
Jason is silent, with his arms crossed.
Princess: What's wrong, Jason?
Jason: Oh nothing. I'm just doing my moody and enigmatic look.
Triumphantly, the Phoenix flies home, with the sunset over sea behind them. Life is good.
Back to 7 Zark 7's quarters, the annoying droid is reclining on his maintenance bay.
7 Zark 7: I'm so glad everybody got out safetly, time for a ten second oil break. G-Force are on their way home, the bushfires are nearly under control, but no doubt soon Zoltar will return with an even nastier invention.
The communicator beeps:
Sexy voice: (husky) Hi Zark.
Zark's antenna spring up with delight.
7 Zark 7: Oh *hello* Susan. How are you?
Susan: (ooohhhh...) I'm feeling just fine, Zark. Would you like to know what I'm wearing?
7 Zark 7: (giggles) Please! Not in front of the kiddies! (turns to readers) That is Susan from Pluto. She's my special friend.
Susan: Zark, I've got to go now, but I'll call back when I'm even more comfortable.
7 Zark 7: Alrignt. Bye Susan.
Susan: (ahhh...) Bye!
7 Zark 7: I'd better get back to work, for the price of freedom is eternal vigilance. I am just glad to say it's a pleasure to serve... (does secret salute) G-Force!
The end.
People killed in this fanfic: 0 (figure modified by certain sources)
I'd write a sequel, but I'm stuck for a plot. (Zoltar tries to invade Earth again... Wait a minute, THAT'S AN IDEA!)
If you want to flame me, TRANSMUTE to the Fiery Phoenix and use these coordinates: evagg@hubble.dialix.com.au
Thank you for reading.