"F" T.V. Quotes

Felicity

Mr. Porter: I've worked this hard so you wouldn't have to go through what I did.
Felicity Porter (Keri Russel): No dad, you made it so I'd have to go through exactly what you did! I know you want me to follow in your footsteps, but I just...basically, I can't.

Felicity: So, basically I've given up everything my parents ever planned for me, everything I ever expected...all for a boy I don't even know.

Felicity (to Sally): I guess what I'm saying is this might all be a colossal mistake, as my dad would say, but on the other hand it may...maybe it'll save my life or something.

Ben (Scott Speedman): So, what's going on?
Felicity: Um, I just want to uh preface this by saying that uh I don't want you to feel weird about anything I'm about to say at all.
Ben: O.K.
Felicity: Uh, the thing is I came to New York um mostly because of you. (laughs) Yeah, I had these sort of um intense feelings for you back in high school and uh even though I know that we never really talked before graduation, except that one time when I was passing out flyers for the blood drive...
Ben: (shakes head in confusion)
Felicity: Anyway, maybe the fact that we never did talk was why I had those feelings because now, of course, I realize now that it was a crazy thing to do, to follow someone I don't know 3000 miles and I sort of panicked about it but I just wanted you to know that I'm past that and I'm...I'm totally okay with it now. I mean it. You know because it's not really about you so much anymore. I'm here now you know because...I'm here.

Felicity: So, um, what are you thinking.
Ben: I'm...honestly, honestly...I'm just, I'm just...I'm flattered by the whole thing. I'm flattered.
Felicity: Good! That's really a perfect, perfect answer.

Felicity: You made me fall for you and this is what's not fair, you knew it and you liked it!

Felicity: How could you lead me on? You made me fall in love with you!
Ben: You know what? You're acting crazy! All I did was be nice to you. I never asked you to come here, that was your choice not mine. How could you think that you're in love with me? You don't even know me.

Felicity: I'd never made a substantial choice in my life and that's why I came here. I thought it was you, but you were just really the excuse.

Noel (Scott Foley): Stay in New York or perish!

Ben: You know what? Not everybody's like you. All right? Crazy, sensitive, and always judging everybody.
Felicity: I don't always judge everybody, I always judge you.

Felicity: The last thing I ever wanted to do is make you feel anything less than amazing.

Sally: Listening to your tape, I was reminded of this poem. It has the central question: Is it harder to count on someone or to know that you're being the one counted upon? Anyway, there's this part that goes: "if equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me." Have you ever read that one? It's one of my favorites.

Sally: Love is complicated, full of sacrifice and compromise. But, maybe that's the best part. When you see someone in love you want to do whatever you can for them because the truth is...you want to be them.

Felicity (talking to Ben): The truth is I can't be with you like this. I mean, I know I said that I could, but I can't. I just can't compromise myself like that. I mean I'm an emotional person. I feel things and I need to be able to get upset and talk about how I'm feeling. I mean that's just...that's who I am and I can't change it. I don't want to. And the thing is you know that, you knew it and you still pursued me because you want something with me, you just aren't strong enough to have it which...in a way makes you a coward. And the saddest part is that...one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna realize what you missed and it's gonna be too late.

Felicity: It's one thing to say you're gonna let go, it's another to actually do it--to loosen your grip and let yourself fall.

Fraiser

Fraiser: Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.

Friends

Chandler: Hey look, that monkey has a Ross on its ass.

Joey: When's the last time you had it on?
Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it...
Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days.

Chandler: Rock...hard place...me.

Chandler: Could she be anymore out of my league? Right now, I'm very conscious of my tongue.

Chandler: [to Joey] If you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be staring down the business end of a hissy fit.

Chandler: Oh, look, it's the woman we ordered.

Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette -- think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you hold it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Joey: You miss it?
Chandler: Nah, not really.

Chandler: I'm smoking, I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
Phoebe: I can't believe you, you've been so good for three years!
Chandler: And this is my reward!
Ross: Hold on just a second, think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler: Ok! So this time I won't quit!
Chandler: Hey you know, I've had it with you guys and your 'cancer' and your 'emphysema' and your 'heart disease' -- the bottom line is, smoking is cool and you know it!

Joey: Hey Chand, can you help me out here, I promise I'll pay you back.
Chandler: Oh ya right, including the waffles last week, you now owe me...seventeen jillion dollars.

Phoebe: Hey, you know what? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
Chandler: Hey -- that's 'joincidence' with a 'C!'

Ross to Paolo: Do you know what 'crapweasel' means?

Chandler: Oh! I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.

Phoebe: Monica? Um, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly, you know? - I mean, and not in a good way.

Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew...!!
What?!
Ugly naked guy got a thigh-master!
Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

Monica: Loosely translated, 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked.'

Chandler: Or, 'You're such a nice guy' means: 'I'm going to be dating leather wearing alcoholics, and complaining about them - to you.'

Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it; if I kept it, it would be like stealing.
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping.

Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? Do you ever think Alan is maybe, sometimes...I dunno...a little too Alan?
Rachel: Oh, no, that's not possible. You can never be too Alan.
Ross: Yeah, it's his innate Alanness that, that, that, we adore.
Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.

Ross: Hey Phoebs, you gonna have the rest of that poptart? ...Phoebs?
Phoebe: ...Does anyone want the rest of this poptart?
Ross: Hey, I might!
Phoebe:
"I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin'
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?"

Ross: Since you saw her boobies, I think you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee.

Rachel: Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing.

Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipulary region.

Ross: Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?

Steve (Jon Lovitz): Well, slap my ass and call me Judy!
Ross: Hi Honey, how did it go?
Rachel: Agh, it was the graduation from hell.
Chandler: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship

Chandler: What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offer you gum, you take it. If she offers you a mangled animal carcass, you take it.
Chandler: You know, on second though, gum would be perfection.
Chandler: "Gum would be perfection"?? "Gum would be perfection"?? Could have said "gum would be nice" or "I'll have a stick." But, nooo. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?

Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that.

Joey: You broke the code.
Ross: What code?
Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom. Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt, but not a mom, never a mom!

Joey: Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how are you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt.

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her. It's her wedding day.
Joey: What? Like there's some rule or something?

Rachel: Does he, like, want to go out with me?
Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.

Joey: You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want. Just look down, and they are. How you can get any work done is beyond me.

Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

Monica: Oh my God!
Joey: What?
Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like-it's like....cocktails in Appalachia!
Joey: Come on. They're close.
Monica: Close?? She's got her tongue in his ear!
Joey: Like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.
[Monica reacts to seeing the couple Joey's said are brother and sister making out ]

Monica: Joey. What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: I'd probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh, Joey. (enunciating) Om-nipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.

Joey: She says she wants to slather my body with stuff and lick it off me. I'm not even sure what "slathering" is, but I definitely want to be a part of it.

Monica: Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're going to love it.

Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

Joey: So, when are we gonna meet this guy?
Monica: Hmm. Let's see, today's Monday...Never.

Monica: As far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong.
You see, he's the prince. Apparently, they had some big ceremony before I was born.

Monica: Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm your Aunt Monica. I-I will always have gum.

Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to.

Phoebe: Yeah. You have homosexual hair.
[Phoebe's observation of Chandler]

PHOEBE: ...I really believe big things are going to happen for you. I do. And you've just got to keep thinking about the day some kid is going to run up and tell his friends: "I got the part! I got the part! I'm going to be Joey Tribbiani's ass!"

PHOEBE: (TO Joey) I see. So, then, you were lying.
Joey: About what?
Phoebe: About how good your cards were.
Joey: I was bluffing.
PHOEBE: Aha. And what is "bluffing"? Is it not another word for..."lying".

Roger: What's wrong, sweetie?
Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing. I'm fine. It's just, um..it's my friends. They have a "liking" problem with you. It's that, um, they don't.

Rachel: I'm going to get one of those job things.

Phoebe: All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs. You know what: If we had that, we wouldn't be doing this ritual here.

Rachel: Cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel".

Rachel: Oh, thank you for the earrings, they're perfect. I love you.
Ross: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok.
Rachel: Now I love you even more.

Rachel: Oh, God. I'm sorry. It's just that when you moved your hand down to my butt, it was like, whoa, Ross's hand is on my butt.

Ross: You're over me? When were you.... under me?

Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey: Right!.... Serious?
Rachel: Oh yeah, everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica: Absolutely.
Chandler: I think for us kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before... Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: And it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's just that's... that's not... why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: You see, the problem is though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was you girls are always... looking for the comedian again, y'know we're in the car, we're fighting traffic, basically... just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice - bring back the comedian, otherwise next time you're going to find yourself sitting at home listening to that album alone.
Joey: Are we still talking about sex?

Susan: (TO Ross) Oh please, what's wrong with "Helen"?
Ross: "Helen Geller"? I don't think so.

Monica: Mom already called this morning. Just to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know that my ears are not my best feature?
Ross: Some days it's all I can think about.

Ross: Disneyland. 1989. "It's A Small World After All."
Everyone: NO WAY! Get Out!
Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of mechanical Dutch children.... Then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Paolo: Ah. You have...sex?
Ross: No. No no. Technically, the sex is not being had.

Admissions Woman: Sir, this hospital is for people.
Ross: Lady, he is people! He has a name! He watches Jeopardy! He touches himself when nobody is looking!

Ross: I'm just saying if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole "seven dog years to one human year" thing, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours. He loses like, a week and a half.

Carol: You'll find someone. I know you will. The right woman is waiting for you.
Ross: That's easy for you to say. You found one already.

Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. God, by my sixth date with Paolo, he'd already named both my breasts. Did I share too much?
Ross: Just a smidge.

Carol: What does he look like?
Ross: Kinda like my Uncle Ed covered in Jell-O.

Phoebe: OK, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.

Rachel: Isn't that just kick you in the crotch spit on your neck fantastic?

Chandler: OK, Janice - you gotta give me Janice!
All: OK, yeah.
Ross: We'll give you Janice.
Phoebe: I miss Janice, though... 'Hello Chandlah Bahng.'
Rachel: 'Oh...muy...gohd...'
Joey: 'Oh Chandlah... now! That's it! Fastah!' Ha hah.

Chandler: [caveman voice] Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Chandler: OK, you have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance!

Chandler: Well, despite the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I got pants that need to be altered.
Joey: Hey Chandler. When you see Franky tell him Joey Tribianni says 'hello.' He'll know what it means.
Chandler: You think he's gonna be able to crack that code?

Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over; then the go up the other side and move it back, and then they do the rear! What?!?! Ross, will you tell him: isn't that how a tailor measures pants.
Ross: Yes, yes it is.... in PRISON.
Joey: Heh heh... you guys are messing with me, right?
All: Yeah... yeah.
Joey: That was a good one, for a second there I was like 'whoa!'
Chandler: Yo, pizon. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor...is a very BAD man.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that's right, the keyboards, huh.
Ross: Yeah, I mean just a little in high school, but then I really got into it in college. That's, that's when I really found my sound.
Monica: (drinking orange juice, snorts)...Oh god, orange juice just came out of my nose but it was totally worth it.

Ross: Hey you know Mon, if things work out between you and Richard's son you'll be able to tell your kids that you slept with their grandfather.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but (to Ross) married a lesbian, (to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (to Joey) threw a girl's wooden leg into the fire, (to Chandler) live in a box.

Monica: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

Monica: If you want to kiss him, um you could use mistletoe.
Rachel: Oh, its not Christmas.
Monica: Or spin the bottle.
Rachel: And he's not 11.

Chandler: There's a Phoebe on my sandwich.

Ross: What photo album was it?
Rachel: I don't know, you and a bunch of albino kids.
Ross: Oh my god! Those weren't albino kids, that was computer camp!

Chandler: Emily is straight.
Ross: How do you know. I mean, we thought Carol was straight before I married her.
Phoebe: I definitely don't like the name Ross.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.

Monica: You wore your nightie to dinner?
Rachel: Oh yeah and uh the best part though, was when the waiter spilled water down my back I jumped up and my boob popped out.
Monica: No?
Rachel: It's all right, I got nice boobs.

Monica: Whoa! Where you going in those pants? 1982?

Created by : Sara
Last Updated: 2-2-01
E-mail: KLAKSO@mn.rr.com