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This is the part of the Web Site where I drop the pseudo-journalistic tone of a movie critic and historian. Instead I'll assume a persona that's more familiar to those of you who actually know me. (Which means I get to break out my box of smiley faces and start writing in colloquialisms). :) Yes, it's time for me to use valuable bandwidth space to tell you a little bit about animated films that I wish existed. But which don't.
Because if they did, this wouldn't be a wish list, now would it? :)
One caveat - although this is a list, the entries are not in any particular order. Those among you who have suffered through at least one statistics class (or "sadistics" as more than one student has called it!) will immediately realize that the data contained herein is strictly categorical and it makes no difference which comes first, which comes second, etc.
And for those of you who've never had the pleasure of taking stats, just keep on playing Lotto each week and pretending you actually have a shot of winning. :)
There's another caveat. Please note that the list below are *not* rumors!!!! Nor, as far as I know, are there any plans for these projects to actually see the light of day. This is only a wish list. Unlike certain animation and comics magazines (such as, say, Wizard), I'm not going to present my wish list in a misleading way and include tricked-up illustrations to imply that these projects are actually under way! Creating tricked-up illustrations is time-consuming, you know. :) Besides, I don't think I've gotten any pleasure out of deliberately misinforming anybody. Reality eventually intrudes in each of my wish list entries, which is why I'm sure that my wish list will always remain unfulfilled.
And, if you think *my* wish list is silly and unreasonable, just remember that lots of press releases announce films that are just as silly and unreasonable. Sometimes these films never get made (anybody remember the plans for a sequel to Yellow Submarine in the 1980s?). And, unfortunately, sometimes these goofy ideas come to fruitation (as in all the attempts to revive major MGM cartoons like Droopy and Tom and Jerry). If my ideas are lousy, so be it. At least I don't have the power to inflict them on you.
So, with that in mind, get your CD player ready to play Wouldn't It Be Nice, sit back and enjoy the wonderful world of pretend. Remember to put your toys back when we're finished, or there'll be no pudding after dinner for you! :)
Put down those stakes you're aiming at my heart and listen to me! This isn't as goofy a choice as you might think! :)
In the late 1960s,Vampirella became part of the Warren Comics stable of horror titles. Unlike cohorts Creepy and Eerie, Vampirella wasn't just a hippie-era update of E.C.'s Vault of Horror. Vampirella became an unusual serial that owed more to science-fiction and fantasy than to traditional horror stories. Without a doubt, the high points of the series were the issues written by Archie Goodwin and illustrated by Jose Gonzalez. Goodwin's literate writing style is well-known to Batman collectors, but Gonzalez' work deserves special praise. Using a loosely drawn, very 1970s style that owed more to illustration than to comic book art, Gonzalez' Vampirella is immediately recognizable. While some remember Vampirella's skimpy costumes, it is impossible to look at Gonzalez' work without remembering Vampirella's face. Not only was she drawn with Hispanic/ Italian features, she was drawn in such a consistent manner that it almost seemed that Gonzalez was doing a portrait of a real woman. Under Gonzalez' art direction, Vampi was a unique heroine, and not simply a well-stacked babe in a swimsuit (as her detractors have claimed). In fact, on those occasions when Gonzalez did not do the art for Vampirella, angry letters from fans made their way to the Warren editors.
Vampirella would be an ideal adaptation project for a feature length film. There are a few problems the film makers would need to avoid, naturally. The first is the temptation to create an intentionally campy film. True, Forrest J. Ackerman was thinking of Barberella when he gave Vampi her name, but the character became too well defined under Archie Goodwin to reduce her to a cliche or a joke. She also had a unique supporting cast which included the Van Helsings, an old-fashioned magician by the name of Pendragon, a were-panther named Pantha, and an evil organization known only as the Cult of Chaos. These characters all deserve to be treated with respect by any film maker. Anyone who thinks that a Vampirella movie should have a dippy theme song with lyrics like "Vampirella can I be your Fella?" will kindly go to the blackboard and write "I will not be a Chowder Head" until recess is over. :)
The second problem is remaining true to Vampirella's initial origin as an alien from the planet Drakulon. Vampi, like other Drakulonians, drinks blood but is not bound by the restrictions of an earthly vampire, nor is she undead. This should be stressed, or else the result will be as confusing as Vampire Hunter D. Casual movie goers, who are perhaps only familiar with Vampi's image, need to be informed about this.
Why would Vampi work well in an animated film? For a start, her costume. Without generous globs of spirit gum, there is no way that Vampi's costume could stay on a live actress. :) Plus, and this is just my opinion, but Vampi's costume (like that of most cherished superheroes) looks great on the printed page but downright dopey in real life. (Go to any Costume Contest at an Anime Con and take notes.) If Vampi is in a cartoon, this difficulty is neatly sidestepped.
Secondly, there are the transformation scenes. While there have been great advances in the transformation sequences of werewolves and vampires in the cinema, Vampi is *not* an evil character and a demonic distortion of her form would be inappropriate. Computer morphing into a bat would look awkward. In an animated film however, the transformation could be very smooth. Animation would also allow for some beautiful yet creepy lighting effects if Vampire Hunter D and Akira were used as models. It would also allow some preservation of Gonzalez' drawing style. In fact, if the animators were faithful to that style, the resulting film would be stunningly different from most modern animated films.
I wouldn't bet the farm on the likelihood of Vampirella being turned into a feature film, however. For a start, newer characters like Witchblade (which is influenced by Vampi) and Lady Death are probably more marketable - and as was the case with Spawn and The Maxx, the original creators probably would provide extensive consultation on the project. Archie Goodwin passed away recently and Gonzalez is inactive in the comic-book world (and probably has no legal claim to the name Vampirella let alone the right to be consulted). I shudder to think what Forrest J. Ackerman would do to a Vampi screenplay, given his lust for cheese ball camp.
Besides, the film makers might prefer to follow the current bloodier Vampirella story line of Harris comics rather than the classic issues of the Warren version. Not that there's anything particularly wrong with that - some of the Harris issues are quite good, and some of the Warren issues were quite silly in retrospect. I like some of the Harris stuff, and when they aren't trying to turn Vampi into a cheesecake-fest or a supernatural version of the X-men, they've turned out some pretty good stories in the original spirit of Vampi. On the other hand, the ridiculous story line in which Vampi is given a costume that contains shards of "The True Cross" is obscene in the most literal sense of the word, and I could have lived quite happily without the blinding of Adam Van Helsing. Still, I'd prefer seeing the Warren-era Vampi in a film and since it's my wish list, I may wish whatever I like. So there!
Also there's the nasty issue of the lawsuit between what's left of Warren and Harris over who has the right to create new adventures featuring Vampirella. I don't fully understand the terms of the lawsuit aside from the fact that the Warrens would like more of the money that the Harrises are making, so let's just leave it at that. :D
George Lucas totally trashed the Howard the Duck concept in his horrible film adaptation. In fact, Lucas' fiasco required him to retreat artistically and return to the world of Star Wars. Which no doubt pleases everyone scarfing up Star Wars comics and eagerly awaiting the latest feature film, and fattens Lucas' wallet every time someone buys a Star Wars action figure.
So why do I think Howard the Duck would make a good animated series? I mean, aside from the fact that I may be missing a few fries from my Happy Meal so to speak? :) And there have been more than a few unkind souls who have suggested that!
For a start, the initial concept of Howard the Duck is essentially sound. The idea of a duck from a parallel dimension getting involved in outlandish adventures on earth is sufficiently unique, even today. In the comic books, Howard was a cross between Carl Barks' version of Donald Duck and Humphrey Bogart's version of Sam Spade. He was a tough feathery guy with attitude, a pretty easy sell in the post - "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" world. Not only was Howard a stranger to our world, but he was a stranger to the comic book world as well. Howard was frequently befuddled by the ridiculous plans that stereotypical evil masterminds devise, and these baddies were given appropriately silly names like Dr Bong. In best pulp fashion, Howard had a shapely female sidekick named Beverly, and the implications of a pinup girl falling in love with a cartoon duck are hilarious to anyone who thought Jessica and Roger Rabbit were an odd couple. Given the sense of irony in current animated cartoons like "South Park" this, too, would be acceptable to audiences. Howard the Duck was undoubtably ahead of his time, full of smart-aleck satire.
Creator Steve Gerber would be the ideal choice to script episodes of Howard the Duck, as he has recently contributed to several recent episodes of Batman/Superman Adventures. Which, to be honest, would have worked better as Howard the Duck episodes, but I digress. :) It's unclear whether Gerber would want to be associated with such a series, however; perhaps his protracted legal battle with Marvel Comics over the ownership of Howard has soured him on working with the character again. The Walt Disney Company, too, was none too pleased with Howard's resemblance to the Carl Barks-drawn Donald although the legal outcome is unclear to me. (I've never been able to find out if Marvel was indeed sued by Disney and forced to recolor Howard's plumage to yellow. . .all I could find is a Usenet thread which basically consisted of vague recollections and such.)
The biggest problem, aside from the damage Lucas did to Howard's name, is the mythology Marvel Comics put in place after original creator Steve Gerber departed. Duck World, and all the attendant puns, are simply unfunny. Yes, I know that Carl Barks created Duckburg and that Duck World is not that far a stretch from Barks' vision but then again Barks never smacked us over the head with dopey puns based on bird names. (To be entirely even-handed, Gerber wrote his share of lemons towards the end of his stay at Marvel, including a flat parody of Star Wars that hasn't aged well). Perhaps the worst Howard stories were the short ones which appeared in Marvel's Crazy magazine, a very lame ripoff of Mad; here, the Duck faced inane nemeses such as the Vampire Refrigerator. In a related criticism, Howard's stories (even some of the original ones) are extremely episodic. As one might expect in a series where the creator left prematurely, Howard's adventures don't really lead up to anything (save for the "Howard the Man" issue). While this was probably at least partially intentional by Gerber, some viewers might expect a dramatic payoff from a concept this offbeat.
There's also a problem is making Howard safe for kiddies. A cigar-chomper with a curvy human sidekick would run afoul of censors, to be sure. In his comic book heyday, Howard received some flak for this, and would likely receive more criticism today unless aired late at night. Still, in a better world, Howard the Duck would find his way into an animated format. Sadly, just like Howard, we too are trapped in a world we never made and will never see Gerber's original tales transformed into animation.
From Vamps and Ducks we turn to. . . a superhero? Have we lost our mind? Do we really need another superhero cartoon after the glut of Marvel-produced monstrosities like X-Men, Silver Surfer and Spiderman? Can't we just turn to the New Batman/Superman Adventures every Saturday morning instead, where it seems they are rerunning the same 5 Superman cartoons all the time? :)
It's a wish list and I like Captain America. Deal with it. :P
Captain America was adapted to films and TV many times, both in live action and in animated cartoons. I've yet to see the character done either faithfully or correctly. And, no - I'm not being picky. From the limited-animation Cap shorts of the 1960s to the live-action Cap TV movies of the 1970s, there's nothing noble about the way Cap's adaptors have treated him.
As the embodiment of the way America ought to be, Cap has had his ups-and-downs, growing pretty despondent in the Watergate-Vietnam era, for example. Given the current disarray of the Oval Office's sexcapades, the time is right for Captain America to return to the fore. We need Cap to stand tall and serve as our patriotic barometer once more.
A wealth of fantastic stories about Cap already exist, from creator Jack Kirby's original tales to Stan Lee's 1960s updates, to fine issues by Roy Thomas and Steve Englehart and the current story lines written by the team of Mark Waid and Ron Garney. In particular, Cap's wartime stories stand out as being especially good. Kirby created Captain America during World War II, and Cap's earnest Superman-like belief in the American Way stands in sharp contrast to the often cynical, decadent Nazis (as well as the often cynical, decadent superheroes of the modern age).
The wartime stories also have a strong supporting cast. Prince Namor (the Sub-Mariner) is a brooding subhuman, neither good nor evil, who simply wishes for Atlantis to be left in peace. The Original Human Torch is an android with an identity crisis. Bucky provides the teen-sidekick angle nicely. And last but not least, is the demonic Red Skull, the anti-Captain. These stories have the cliffhanger urgency of old movie serials and Golden Age comics built right into them. You simply couldn't ask for more power-packed raw material!
Unfortunately, WW II is not considered an appropriate subject matter for animated cartoons. Cartoons filmed during the war have either been destroyed or are rarely shown. (Supposedly, the inclusion of Nazi symbolism was a sore point for the proposed Captain America Fox series as well.) An adaptation *could* get around this by substituting the evil forces of Hydra for the Nazis, I suppose. There's also the question of the role of steroids in the Captain America legend, for Cap was perhaps the first superhero to benefit from modern muscle-building medicine. This isn't exactly the sort of stuff that drug-conscious PTA groups are likely to cheer if they ever found out about it! An even greater danger to ol' Cap is our current cynical moral climate. We certainly need upstanding heroes more than ever (even if they are fictional). Whether we can accept them in our cynical, conspiracy-happy, paranoid era is another question entirely.
Finally, there is the matter of the "Marvel Curse." No Marvel TV adaptation has been wholly successful. Aside from nostalgia, there is no reason why anyone would fondly remember any of the TV cartoons featuring Marvel characters in the 1960s and 1970s, and Marvel's current animated TV shows are not much stronger. Only the live-action version of *The Incredible Hulk* was a ratings sensation, and that was because most of the comic-book elements were eliminated.
Hans Christian Andersen's beautiful story has been adapted a few times in Europe, perhaps most notably in the Disneyesque Soviet version in the 1950s. Like the rest of Andersen's fairy tales, The Snow Queen is a fascinating blend of traditional folk elements and melodramatic pessimism. The Snow Queen ranks near the top of Andersen's tales in terms of beauty and poetry, and contains the additional element of barely visible psycho-autobiography. Even though there is a happy ending to Snow Queen (unlike The Little Mermaid and The Little Match Girl), there is also a poignant sadness and sense of unfulfillment to the tale. Unlike the better known tales from the Brothers Grimm or Perrault, The Snow Queen does not provide a sense of closure.
The transitional feeling one gets while reading Andersen would be a perfect match for the transitional nature one observes when watching modern American animated films. Whether the film is Quest for Camelot or Hunchback of Notre Dame, it's obvious that Hollywood animation wants to stretch into more "mature" storytelling but cannot bring itself to leave all the fairytale trappings behind. A straight, honest adaptation of The Snow Queen would be a great vehicle to demonstrate that American animation can be a commercially successful medium for telling different types of stories. For The Snow Queen, like the rest of Andersen's "children's stories", is a heartbreaker for adults masquerading as a fairytale.
Much of the imagery in The Snow Queen lends itself perfectly to animation. The way that the Queen appears out of a snow flake, the flowers which tell narcissistic tales of woe, the coven-like atmosphere of the bandits, the talking animals, and the description of the Queen's lair are all well-suited to animation. These have the potential to be very fluid scenes, the likes of which haven't been seen in big-budget Western animation since Fantasia or at least Yellow Submarine. The opening scene alone, in which evil goblins attempt to fly their Satanic mirror to the heavens, would be a worthy challenge for the current generation of animators. And the Snow Queen's fractured icy lake cries out for computer-generated imagery.
The Snow Queen is an extremely symbolic tale, the psychological depth of which even Andersen was probably unaware of, and as such, there is no grand confrontation between the Queen and the children she torments. In previous filmed versions, this scene was added in a misguided attempt to add drama. I fear that future film makers would repeat this mistake. Another problem facing The Snow Queen is the fact that it is "only" children's literature and the Disney influence would be too strong. The Snow Queen doesn't need ridiculous Hollywood-style musical numbers, silly supporting characters, or cherubic forest animals. But no major animated release of recent years - not Quest for Camelot, nor The Swan Princess, nor any of Don Bluth's attempts - have broken from the Disney mold.
Since this is only a Wish List, for Pete's Sake, I can get away for also wishing that any adaptation of The Snow Queen will be a *faithful* adaptation. We certainly don't need any more bowdlerized versions of the classics.
Okay, this isn't a movie proposition. But its clearly a fantasy, so read on. . .
Imagine, if you will, a home video company that has devoted itself to anime. Oh, the company might be Viz. It might be ADV. In either case, it's been around a while and has released a lot of videos to the anime nuts you know and love. And then imagine that said company, after initially releasing a video at a hefty list price, later reissues said film at a *substantially lower* price a year or so later.
Pretty nice, fantasy, eh?
Seriously, is there anyone out there that feels current anime prices are reasonable? Is there any sane reason in this universe why videotapes of two or three TELEVISION EPISODES of relatively minor anime like The Dirty Pair or Sorceror Hunters cost the consumer more than feature films like Austin Powers, Godzilla, Men in Black, The Full Monty, or The Wedding Singer? And why should subtitled tapes cost ten dollars more than dubbed tapes?
Could it be that the Canadian-American voice acting is so sublime that the videos are worth the extra price? :) No, wait. It's because the companies have refused to pander to the audience by playing up the sex appeal of the busty characters? :) Or the tasteful packaging? :)
The answer, my friend, is because the Otaku Have Spoken, and they are perfectly willing to purchase overpriced videos of series they know little about. Lord only knows why. Anime distributors can hardly be blamed for following P.T. Barnum's lead and fleece the flock for everything they're worth. Of course the thinking on both sides is myopic. The inflated prices for videos not only ensures that anime fandom will not expand, but has also given rise to the nasty underworld of bootlegging. Yes, even though it's nasty for Dishonest Comics Dealers to sell copies of fansubs, they will continue to do so as long as said fansubs are sold for less than legitimate releases. And that's a relatively easy task. If the legit release of a sub is thirty dollars, the boot can be sold for fifteen and still see a nice profit. By the way, last time I checked, Blockbuster Video sold discounted copies of legitimate release for under twelve dollars.
In the kinder, gentler America of my fantasy world, ADViz (an imaginary company) would release 4 old Ranma/Dirty Pair/Slayers episodes on a single tape. The list price of said video would be fifteen dollars, with a sale price of $12.99. Know what? I'll bet the tapes would sell very well. Know what else? I'll bet this is the fantasy on the wish list that is least likely to come true
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