by Robert "Torgo" Sedler and Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, at John Saxon's place
John Saxon and Mathis stared down face to face
The gun it was loaded, the lattice closed tight
Across Johnny's face was a look of cold fright

He came for a Goldstar, some loot and some cash
and maybe a place that a burglar could crash
But now the idea had lost all of its fun
as he stared down the barrel of John Saxon's gun

When out in the driveway they heard such a din
that Saxon misfired and just grazed Johnny's skin
Away to the window they flew for a look
as another crash came and the whole house shook

The trash cans were flattened, the gates hung askew
and right through the glass came a stench like a zoo
and half in the driveway and half in the snow
was a Ford LTD with its headlights aglow

The driver was puffy, a great big slab of meat
and he chugged a whole Schlitz as he bound from his seat
he puffed and he wheezed, up the sidewalk he tore
adjusted his roscoe and kicked down the door

He belched and he staggered on into the house
it was clear to all there that the old boy was soused
He wore an old robe stained with gravy and beer
and he looked at John Saxon and grinned ear to ear

He started to speak but then turned with a zoom
and he tore at top speed for the nearest bathroom
from the sound it was clear that the toilet seat buckled
and John Saxon and Mathis just stood there and chuckled

He emerged sometime later and seemed not to care
about the half-eaten Cheetos still stuck in his hair
He said "Sorry 'bout that, I just HAD to go,
I ate way too much at Merlin's house you know."

He then let out a laugh and produced a large sack
that despite its great size was unseen behind his back
he turned and he went down the hall to the Kitchen
and when Saxon caught on he started in bitchin'

"Now hold on there Mitchell", he said with a growl
"Who said you could come in here smelling all foul?
You stunk up my bathroom, you kicked down my door
Now get out and let me shoot Mathis some more!!!!"

He opened the icebox and laughed with a snicker
"Oh Saxon, It's Christmas! Just knock off yer bicker.
I realize I stink and I'm pretty much stewed
but it's Christmas and dammit, I'm all out of food."

Then he turned to the fridge with a smile rather clear
and took all the sour cream, pork rinds, and beer
A pile of pork chops, a few pounds of steak
and he stuffed and he stuffed but his bag didn't break

When the icebox was empty he turned back to John
"Mind giving my car a push off of yer lawn?"
Saxon gave up, threw his gun to the floor
and when Mathis saw this he ran out the door

Mitchell went out the door and plopped into his car
and said "I'm off now to Linda's, it isn't too far."
From his stereo poured the sounds of BTO
as he tore up the lawn getting out of the snow

Saxon stood there and watched as he weaved down the street
while the LTD jacknifed and slid on the sleet
And so off he went in a stench of old socks
"Happy Christmas to all, and watch out for falling rocks!!"