THE FLATPOINT HIGH NEWSLETTER
JULY 14, 1999 EDITION

Homecoming Race Gets Ugly
This year's homecoming nominations were closed today, signifying the beginning of the race for the Homecoming Queen. The nomination count was unusally low this time around with only two students in the race for Queen, Becky Ann Bedecker and our oun Jerri Blank. The reigning Homecoming King, Principal Blackman, described the two contestants as, "Two ladies who no on should be forced to look at, nevermind having to judge them." He went on to decree, "WE have a beautyless race on our hands, yet I must throw down my ugly stained gauntlet beginning this contest, because you can be damm sure nobody else will.

This beautyless race forces the attention of the judges to the often ignored inner beauty category. A category for which each contestant traditionally makes an un-caring superficial attempt at winning the votes of the judges by showing the depths of eye-pleasing curves on these contestants, this year's varisty judges have quite a task on their hands. Mr. Noblet clarified the dilemma by saying, "We're talking about the varsity football players being forced to look beyond physical appearance. These boys are just not equipped to make such a decision, and frankly neither am I."

One of the judges, Derrick Blank, spoke briefly on the varsity's judging strategy, "Well my half-sister is a Troll. We all know that. And Becky Ann is not much better. I'm not really sure how we'll judge em' Maybe if they can eat fire or make me dinner we'd have something to go on. Anyway, we got this helping people category and I guess even ugly people can do that."

Mr. Jellineck, Flatpoint's art teacher, had some encouraging words for this year's contestants. "Girls, I want you to realize tthat despite being very hard on the eyes, you have something inside you that you can't see, yet it is the purest form of beauty. I'm talking about heart and soul, people. Maybe it's just about time we changed our criteria here at Flatpoint, and let the human spirit decide who will be our Queen. Good luck, girls."

Principal Blackman was not quite so enthusiastic about the prospect of this "inner beauty" race, and had this to say of Jellineck's encouraging words, "I don't begrudge Geoffrey his opinion, but we all know the man is deluded by his homosexuality. My queen could have 3 eyes and a long reptilian tail, and he would still go to sleep every night dreaming of leather chaps and rainbow flags, just as happy as a clam. But we can talk about this race all day, and those contestants aren't going to get any less ugly. So let's stop the gratuitous banter, and let the judges make their decision on Friday. "Whatever their decision might be we can sure it will be quite and exciting Homecoming celebration. Kick em' Donks."

PS: Neither Becky nor Jerri won, the varisty team picked out the most beautiful girl in high school to be Homecoming Queen

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