* * * * *
When Irish eyes are smiling
* * * * *
"I don't understand. A parade?"
"What don't you understand?" Ciara asked. "It's traditional." She turned over and regarded the confused look Qui-Gon was giving her.
"But what are we supposed to parade?"
"We'll make floats." Ciara sat up and looked at the bedside clock. "Aren't you supposed to be teaching a class in 15 minutes?"
Qui-Gon bounded out of bed, blew a kiss, and bolted from the room almost catching up with his padawan, who was running down the Hunkette Temple stairs and toward the door. Ciara stood at her door and nodded to Eiluned.
"Breakfast!" shouted Vicki.
* * * * *
Won't you take me to de Mardi Gras
* * * * *
"Jael and Kim will supervise the work, but the teams are responsible for the float design." Kayla addressed the assembled Hunkettes in the large dining room.
"Can they be any design?" Emmy asked.
"As long as they're tasteful," Kayla said in a stern voice.
Emmy frowned. "Damn."
"Em, the Mardi Gras ones don't have to be." Amy said.
"Huh?"
"Well," continued Amy, "this is a St. Paddy's Day/Mardi Gras parade. "
"Rock on!" Emmy enthused and began sketching something out on her napkin.
Darry poured herself more tea. "What about those of us who are artistically challenged?"
"You can still help with the building," Kim said.
Darry stood and headed toward the door. "Let me know when the teams are selected. I'll be in the clinic."
Emmy laughed evilly as her design took shape. Kim shook her head.
* * * * *
Sure it's like a morn in spring
* * * * *
The Hunkette Temple was choking with gold, green, and purple shamrocks on anything that sat still long enough for Jael's staple gun to get to it.
In the clinic, Darry taped up the staple holes in Vicki's butt. The seat of Vicki's jeans now sported a large grinning paper leprechaun.
"When are the king cakes going to be ready?" Darry asked. "I promised I'd take some into work."
"I'm working on them. I have about 20 made and I would be making more now, if THIS hadn't happened." She twisted around to see what was going on.
"Don't forget make a bunch with chocolate sauce all over them."
"That's hardly traditional," Vicki reminded Darry.
"So what. You're all done here."
"Thanks. I'll get back to you with an ETA for the chocolate king cakes." Vicki walked toward the Temple proper.
* * * * *
In the city of my dreams
* * * * *
That evening, the ballroom was a hub of activity as the Hunkettes, in their respective teams, began designing their floats.
Jael and Kim made the rounds ensuring everyone was where she should be. There were two teams of Hunkettes making Qui floats and two teams making Obi floats. One team each worked on a Luke and Mace float.
Jael looked over Kayla's shoulder and inspected what her team had put together. They were eagerly discussing design and materials.
Tasha, being an architect, did all the drawing for the Luke float as Banaoire and Darry looked on.
Raucous giggling emanated from Emmy's group. Kim walked over and looked at their chosen design. Then she turned and made her way back to the Mace float group, shaking her head…again.
* * * * *
In the lilt of Irish laughter
* * * * *
The next day, Darry paced around her office, almost yelling into the com. "I don't understand what the problem is."
"What part of 'he can't make the gig' do you not understand? He's got his own krew to manage and the night you need him to perform is the night Orpheus rolls."
"Well, what about St. Patrick's Day evening?"
"Sorry, Irish Embassy booked him."
"Shit!" Darry yelled into the com. "Keep working on it, ok?"
"I'll try, but don't hold your breath." Darry's friend in New Orleans broke the connection.
An urbane voice floated out from the wall com. "Ms. Willis, will you come into my office please?"
Fuck, now what? Darry though angrily. She was busy enough trying to book the entertainment for the Mardi Gras/St. Paddy's Day party, without having to actually WORK all day.
She stalked through the adjoining door to the Senator's office and harrumped into the chair across from the desk.
"Is something wrong, my dear? You don't look very happy."
"Harry Connick Jr. seems to be doing something every night this month and the Chieftains are busy, too."
"Ah, I see," said Palpatine, clearly not understanding.
"And you wanted…?" Darry inquired, rubbing her eyes.
"Well, I was wondering if you'd seen Maul lately," Palpatine said.
"Uh," Darry smiled. "No. Why?"
"I'm not sure, but he seems to have disappeared."
'You don't say…" Darry stood. "I'll make some calls. I'm sure we'll find him." She opened the door. "Session in an hour; don't forget."
"Of course," he replied.
Darry walked back into her office and dialed the Temple. She punched in the code for Tasha's room. It rang for a long time, but the answering system did not pick up. She must be there…
"What?!" an irritated voice finally said.
"Sorry; know you're…busy, but I need to leave your 'guest' a message. Tell him the Boss needs him back here in a couple of hours, ok?"
"Yeah, ok. Goodbye." Tasha grumbled.
Darry picked up her phone book and started calling for emergency back-up entertainment until it was time for the session to start.
She was still making calls well into it. "So, who out of that group IS available then?" she whispered as loud as she dared into her com unit at the booking agent.
"Uh, we got Debbie Boone, Andy Griffith, Charo, and Wayne Newton."
"Never mind," Darry hissed, eliciting dirty looks from the wookie delegation to her right. She gave them her "nurse's glare" and they turned away.
Finally, she called Shelly in Syracuse. "You know how you slept with Van Halen? You know the music business, right? I'm desperate. Call in all your markers."
"Darry? Is that you? Why is there such an echo? You're not locked in an airplane hangar again, are you?"
"No, dumbshit, I'm at work." In case she needed any reminding of that, she removed the Senator's hand from her knee.
"Ah. Well, for an invitation to one of your parties, I can probably get you a couple of bands…and I didn't sleep with the whole band; just David and Eddie."
Darry wondered if Qui-Gon was ready to meet Shelly. Well, he's a grown man, Darry thought, he can take care of himself…she hoped.
So, that was the entertainment problem solved. Now all she had to do was talk the "city" commission into closing down a "street" for them. Well, that shouldn't be too difficult to manage with a little ingenuity, clever underhandedness, and cold hard cash.
Things were looking up. Aside, of course, from Palpatine, who was looking down her blouse.
* * * * *
You can legalize your low
* * * * *
Jael looked at Ban. "Are you sure you don't want any other colours of crepe paper?"
"Just the black and silver please," Ban said mysteriously. The Luke chicks had sequestered themselves in the clinic. Now that they had their designs finalized, all the groups worked in abject secrecy.
Odd, thought Jael. One group of Qui-chicks, wanted white, blue and silver paper, the other wanted silver and green. The Obi chicks were a bit more predictable: brown, yellow, red and pink collectively. The Mace duo hadn't yet chosen float colours.
* * * * *
You can hear the angels sing
* * * * *
"C'mon, you can tell me…." Nuzzle, nuzzle.
"I told you, I don't KNOW what they are. I'm not helping with the Obi floats."
"But you could find out for me…OW!"
Darry pulled sharply on the long strand of hair she was braiding. "Look, they're supposed to be a secret. You'll just have to wait until the parade."
The light from the fireplace glowed in Darry's room making everything look warm and burnished. The two figures lounged on the floor in front of the fire on a huge sheepskin rug amongst pillows, blankets and discarded clothing.
"Where's the tie for this thing?" Darry asked, feeling amongst the blankets and becoming distracted.
"Wherever you put it."
"Oh bloody hell, here we go again. I'm too comfortable to get up and get one of mine. Do you have any more?"
"There's a couple in the pocket of my coat."
"What coat?"
"This one." Obi reached behind him and handed her the beat-up red padded jacket they had been using as a pillow.
"Where the fuck did you get that?!" Darry asked, reaching into one of the pockets and pulling out a hair tie.
"Diebin gave it to me. She said she stole it from somewhere on Earth. California?"
Darry started giggling and tied Obi's hair.
"What's so funny?" He caught her hands in his.
Darry continued to laugh. "Nothing," she lied.
He leaned over and slowly pushed her back down to the rug.
* * * * *
You can wear your summer clothes
* * * * *
"C'mon, you can tell me…." Nuzzle, nuzzle.
"I told you, I don't KNOW what they are. I'm not helping with the Qui floats."
"But you could find out for me…OW!"
Jenn pulled on the handful of hair she was stroking over her shoulder. "Look, they're supposed to be a secret. You'll just have to wait until the parade."
The light from the candles glowed in Jenn's bathroom making everything look warm and burnished. The two figures lounged in the tub amongst bubbles, scented oil, and a rubber duck.
"Is there any more champagne?" Qui-Gon asked as he held up an empty bottle.
"No, and I can't get into the kitchen for more." Jenn complained.
"Why not?" The duck was batted toward the deep end and two pairs of feet.
"Because Vicki's group is building their float in there and she won't allow anyone in."
"Not even for midnight snacks?" Jenn felt a nibbling on her earlobe, among other things.
"Not even for a stupid glass of water."
"Barbaric."
"Tell me about it, I left an assignment in there and almost got my head blown off with a turkey baster when I tried to retrieve it."
* * * * *
When Irish hearts are happy
* * * * *
"Great! You buy the next king cake." Darry announced at work two days later.
Maul coughed up and inspected the small plastic baby he had almost choked on.
* * * * *
In New Orleans
* * * * *
The "street" was lined with people; that is, people leaned out their windows and watched as the parade floated down the trafficway. Although the Hunkettes would have liked to have their favourite boyz in the parade, Amy had put her foot down and said that technically they were not part of the krews. The population of the Jedi Temple watched the parade from the forecourt of their building.
The Hunkettes had outdone themselves. A huge band of drums and Irish pipes fronted the parade. Behind them came the first Qui float, a large bathtub, filled with Hunkettes throwing strings of cheap beads, cups, doubloons, plastic flowers and rubber ducks.
The crowd, rather than being shocked, behaved as expected: they applauded the band and then screamed and scrambled for the throws, careful not to fall from the windows or walkways as they did so.
Following the float was the Olympia Band Darry's friend in New Orleans had managed to sequester off Earth. Behind them came a gaggle of fat shriners on little 3-wheeled aerial motorcycles.
Following them was another Irish band, this one trying to play loud enough to blot out the music from the two preceding ones. They were almost succeeding.
Behind them came the first Obi float: a long paper machiêr braid with the appropriate coloured glass beads in the right places. The Hunkettes on this one threw beads, plastic cups and hair scrunchies.
Next came a local New Orleans high school band, complete with baton twirlers and flag patrol. So far, they were the most professional group in the parade.
Following them came the Luke float: a pair of black FM boots with a high sheen. Ban, Darry, and Tasha, all suitably sloshed, threw beads, cups, doubloons and fake rubber hands.
Behind came an Irish fiddle band, playing merry music, to which the three Hunkettes attempted to dance with disastrous results; their drinks were spilling around all over the place.
Next, came a contingent of "mounted" (in air cars) police. New Orleans' and Dublin's finest didn't appear to be too put off by the fact that they had been abducted from their respective cities and dumped in this one. In fact, many attempted to write citations to persons behaving in a manner that was offensive or at least indecent. In other words- most of the Hunkettes.
The second Qui float hove into view. A green and silver lightsaber moved down the street, straddled by a screaming group of Hunkettes. In between gulping from their flasks, they were throwing beads, cups, and Duracel batteries.
More fat shriners.
The University of Kansas marching band that Laure and Vicki had stolen while nobody was looking.
The Mace float appeared- an orange lava lamp. Jenn and Kim successfully attempted to be as obnoxious as the larger krews. They threw beads, cups, and free samples of Propecia.
Next-a Scottish marching band that Darry had requested, just to piss off Maeve.
Finally, Emmy and Amy and their krew of Obi chicks hovered down the street on a huge wanger-shaped float. The author won't even mention what they were throwing, aside from up, as they had been drinking for seven hours.
* * * * *
All the world seems bright and gay
* * * * *
The ball that followed the parade was true to Hunkette tradition.
Everyone wore green of some kind, aside from Yoda, who chose to come to the party nekkid. He was accosted by the wookie bouncer and thrown into carbonite, where he spent the remainder of the party as an ice sculpture on the buffet table.
Shelly had outdone herself. U2, the Dixie Chicks, and Nine Inch Nails played for hours while the Hunkettes and Jedi partied hearty. Strangely, Shelly had disappeared shortly after the start of festivities. She had last been seen with a six-pack, pulling Qui-Gon toward the Temple music room.
Tasha and Luke sidled up to Laure, as they walked into the ballroom. Tasha asked "How'd you get the young padawans to sleep this time?"
Laure adjusted the corsage of shamrocks Qui-Gon had given all his chicks. "I just plopped them down in front of QVC. But I think Shelly spiked their punch. I'm sure the original recipe did not call for a fifth of JD."
* * * * *
And I will lay my body down
* * * * *
Obi was busy giving shirtless piggy-back rides to all his chicks, whether they wanted one or not.
"Aaagghh!!! I'm falling off; stop running so fast," Kymira ordered as the two careened through the Temple's rooms, Obi's kilt flying up all over the place.
They tumbled to a halt in the music room.
"Funny," said Kymira as he gave her a hand up from the floor. "I didn't think we owned a player piano."
"Correct me if I'm wrong," Obi instructed. "But aren't player pianos supposed to play tunes and not just pound out haphazard chords?"
"Yeah," Kymira asserted. "And they certainly don't breathe heavily."
* * * * *
Happy Birthday to you
* * * * *
"Braid Boy, get in here!" Vicki's voice had a way of getting people's attention.
Obi sauntered into the kitchen and stood in front of Vicki, hands on hips. He still wore only the kilt.
Vicki indicated the enormous chocolate cake taking up a large portion of the kitchen. "Time to get in."
Obi climbed up the stepstool and carefully lowered himself into the cake. Even though hollow, the shell was solid enough to feed an army. The cake was covered with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.
"Here," Vicki handed him something. "Put these on." Obi looked at the item of clothing she had handed him and smiled evilly.
* * * * *
Happy Birthday to you
* * * * *
"C'mon guys! We're about to sing Happy Birthday," Ziggy said to Laure and Vicki as they lounged in front of the telly.
"Are you kidding? And miss March Madness?" Laure turned and looked over the back of the sofa.
"I baked the cake. I'll sing from here," Vicki said.
"And I'm babysitting," Laure added, despite the complete absence of little padawans.
"Where's Qui-Gon?" Dande asked, walking into the lounge. "I can't find him anywhere."
"Haven't seen him… " Vicki said, returning to the TV screen.
"Up! Now!" Ziggy was not taking no for an answer. She manhandled Laure and Vicki off the sofa and back into the ballroom.
* * * * *
Happy Birthday, Dear Hunkettes
* * * * *
The Hunkettes and Jedi all stood around the enormous chocolate cake. After Obi had hidden in it, Vicki had placed a sugar-candy mesh on top and then carefully frosted over it with more whipped cream, chocolate sauce and chocolate sprinkles.
Now, as all three bands played a boisterous rendition of "Happy Birthday", the birthday girls bounced around the cake. The Hunkettes had already given the girls their presents earlier in the day (before the drinking started) and all that remained for them to do was to blow out the candles.
"Okay ladies, you know what to do," Vicki said. The girls giggled at one another and took deep breaths. Closing their eyes, they blew out all the candles.
"So, what did you wish for?" Aya asked.
"SURPRIZE!" yelled Obi as he leapt through the top of the cake. He was wearing only a pair of tight (and I mean really tight) black leather trousers, and was covered with whipped cream, chocolate syrup and chocolate sprinkles.
"THAT!" the Obi chicks yelled in unison and took flying leaps.
Just about then, Qui-Gon stumbled in looking disheveled and sheepish. He glanced around, trying to get his bearings. The birthday Qui-chicks leapt.
"AAAgghhhhhhhhhh!" the Jedi Master yelled eloquently as he and several women landed in a heap of arms, legs and hair.
Shelly pranced in behind Qui-Gon with a satisfied air and walked up to Darry.
"So, where's the bar?"
END
* * * * *
Happy Birthday Jael, Diebin, AlisaK, Dande, Debbie, Julie, and all the other March Hunkettes!
Beannachtaí na Fèile Páraig oraibh!
Laissez les bon temps roulez!
* * * * *
Lyrics:
When Irish Eyes Are Smiling- C. Olcott, G. Graff, Jr, & E. Ball
Take Me to the Mardi Gras-Paul Simon
Happy Birthday-Traditional