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From the Desk of Justin: Diagnosis: Boy is too complacent and content. No motivation to assume mobile status. Solution: Must break complacency and/or give Boy motivation to become mobile. Proposed Treatment: 1. Must place Boy on floor with all objects cleared away for a radius of not less than eight feet. Boy must have absolutely no form of entertainment save for a single toy placed not less than three feet away. If Boy continues to play with lint and carpet, Boy must be transferred to a hardwood floor. This is not seen as a problem as the Boy has repeatedly demonstrated the strength and resilience of cranial protective layer (i.e. skull) when playing with his "Uncle Justin" (the researcher). Initial recommendation was to start immediately with hardwood floor, but this was disregarded since, if possible, it would be better to conduct experiment on a padded surface since there is a minimally higher chance of the subject coming out of the treatment with full mental and physical capabilities intact. 2. If Boy continues to play with hands and feet once transferred to hardwood floor, we must remove these obstacles to him learning how to crawl, since if he is content, he will not move. Solution: Tie Boy's hands and feet behind his back so he will not be able to play with them. However, since this solution may interfere with the learning process, it has been advised that this not be done for more than an hour. 3. If during the treatment Boy begins to cry, he must be disregarded. Boy cannot continue in the expectation that he will be transported/entertained whenever he cries. Solution: Must lock door of research area, or conduct experiments in basement. Second option has been recommended since male parental unit (designated as "Bill") has demonstrated ability for excessive physical tasks and may be able to reach experimental subject and/or researcher. ["Bill, I don't understand why Timothy is always so cranky lately. It's almost like he hasn't been getting any sleep." "I don't understand either, Honey. Maybe it's just a phase."] In this way, Boy learns he must depend on himself to become mobile and hunt down and capture his entertainment (examples being books, balls, or Pooh Bear). Stage two includes forcing Boy to crawl for his meals, although immobilizing the mobile milk dispenser (unit designated as "Michelle") may be difficult. Researchers are still looking into this possibility. 4. In the event that Boy reaches said toy, he may be allowed to play with it for not less than ten seconds. Remember, at LEAST ten seconds. Then remove object from Boy's grasp and replace it X+1 feet away from the Boy where X was the previous distance in feet. This is important because Boy must be positively conditioned to associate mobility with rewards. After all, we aren't doing this to be cruel, but to help the Boy attain his potential development in a compassionate, humane manner. As an added bonus, if Boy continues to reach his toys, reward items may be introduced in place of toy, such as power cords, paper, and plastic bags. This researcher has every confidence that the Boy will be walking in no time. After all, this regimen has worked when developing motor coordination. In the past, the Boy used to be horribly clumsy. Every time he picked up a rattle, he would bring it to his face and smack himself with it. How disturbing. This researcher devoted countless hours, both day and night, to sneaking over to the Boy, handing him a rattle, and then stretching out the Boy's arm and releasing. The result was the Boy would smack himself in the face. (for more details, see previous e-mail entitled "Games I Play With The Boy" or "The Rattle Game") Within mere months, the Boy gained control of his arms and ceased smacking himself in the face with the rattle fifteen times in a row. A clear triumph of the system. Disclaimer: Flat spots on his head and the dazed look the Boy often gets are unrelated symptoms of the system and should not be regarded as such. Who gets this e-mail: Some of you may be asking, why am I getting this e-mail? Mag, little Valerie Salter, and Katiek get almost every mass mailing because they are perhaps my best friends in IV for some reason or another - I have no idea why I regard them as such and I'm pretty puzzled too, so don't ask. Elissa gets almost all of them and even some PERSONAL E-MAIL because she enjoys reading my thoughts, and people that twisted and evil are hard to find. Mandy, Milana, Jon, Janet, and Ted are getting this because they are in my small group and were present for the event that spawned this story. Joanica gets it for the same reason, plus she is strange enough to get some of my humor (oh and she gets some because she's also a researcher - of sorts! - hence the "Thoughts of a Student Worker") Bill and Michelle get this because they own the test subject. Oh and Ruth and Ewa get this because they've known me for, what, ten years? Which is longer than anyone has known me, and they're still more or less sane, so I dump this stuff on them all the time because they can take it! |