Stepmom (1998, PG-13)

Directed by Chris Columbus

Starring Julia Roberts, Susan Surrandon, Ed Harris

As reviewed by James Brundage

Well, I just saw Shakespeare in Love. That was filed under "S" for superb. Three guesses what the "S" in Stepmom stood for.

If you guessed correctly, you have a very good adjective to describe the utterly boring and idiotic movie by Chris Columbus. If you haven't guessed it, you will by the end of the review.

Stepmom follows Isabel (Roberts), fashion-photographer, stepmom TO BE, and bitch extrodinaire. It also follows Tammy (Surrandon): divorced mother, terminally ill, and, again, bitch extrodinaire. Both of these characters are equally worthy of your hate, and both of these characters are supposed to evoke some sort of sympathy from the viewers.

Needless to say, they don't. The rest of the plot is that Tammy, Luke's (Harris) ex-wife, is dying from cancer and still has the energy to bite the head off of Isabel, Luke's unlikable girlfriend and later fiancée BUT NEVER WIFE. The entire movie takes all the substance of a very badly written poem or short story and spreads it out like gum onto your shoe into a two hour long modern version of the rack.

You don't laugh, you don't cry, you don't feel a thing. The movie was written by five writers, all of whom I am sure are nom de plums for monkeys learning to type, and has nothing to show for the collaborative effort. That, friends, is Hollywood at its best. These people are being paid $1000 per screen minute or so and still are unable to turn out a product that anyone in their right mind would think is anything other than crap.

Chris Columbus decided to make this film either as a victim of binge drinking or a bet, either one of them ending in obvious disaster. Susan Surrandon, Julia Roberts, Ed Harris, and the two poor children who will be forced to place Stepmom on their earlier filmographies, all get experience with fake tears.

This was a film where my diatribe of picking on the film is more fun that the film itself, and it is also a film to practice your aim of popcorn kernels with. Watching the film, I now understand the mind behind The Mad Bomber, who placed pipe bombs in movie theatres in New York City during the 1950s. Believe me, after seeing Stepmom, you will too.

Of the other unforgivable aspects of the film, besides exploiting cancer as a sympathy-getter for a badly written role without any hope of sympathy, you have the simple fact of the title: Stepmom. Think about this. Julia Roberts is the girlfriend, and the fiancée, but never is she the stepmom.

Also you have the unforgivable mistake, and here comes a spoiler, that you never actually see Susan Surrandon die. As with Brandy in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, you keep waiting and waiting for the bitch to bite the dust, but it never happens. Instead, she tortures you with ten minute long speeches and a film that feels like the ending of the story at the beginning.

I thought I wouldn't find a film with more pseudo-drama than Varsity Blues, but, on a melodramatic scale of one to ten, Stepmom is a ten. Yes, if it happened to me, I would care if it were happening, but as it happens to them, I just try to stay awake.

For those who think they know what "S" stands for, it isn't sleepy and it isn't stupid, but both of these apply. Neither is it silly or sad or smart or sassy or savvy. None of those adjectives apply at all. It would be stuck in the middle of bad movies if it didn't try so damn much to be great. But, aim hi, fall far...