Eagle Snacks kicked total ass on airplanes. Because, on a plane you feel like an eagle because you are flying.

Of course! The '80s health craze produced lots of foods claiming to be "light/lite" to keep you fit. These Eagle Snacks chips from the Selects line (obviously that means that you won't get fucked-up brown chips that are shaped like Abe Lincoln) are 40% better for you than regular chips. People, most of whom are idiots, (in case you haven't noticed, in which case you are either four years old or one of those sappy 'people persons') automatically eat 40% more of a food that has 40% percent less of one of the weight-gain components. That's why everybody in Southern Ohio looks like the sex machine pictured at right. I can tell that a fat person runs my college cafeteria because of the food choices (err, lack thereof). Carved ham, ham sub, roast pork, BBQ pork rib, kielbasa, chicken cordon bleu sandwich (it sounds like it could be tasty, but then they put ham on it), ham salad, sausage, and fried pork all try to poison my palate in the cafeteria. If I was a dirty-ass hippy, I would be talking about how many pigs died so that people could eat at the Ham Den, but as a metalhead it is my job to go against anything having to do with hippies.  I hate pork products, therefore I often don't eat there. A-ha! There's another reason people are so fat today! In the old days (like in the '80s and before), often you would have to eat whatever was given to you. A lot of times, those things tasted like shit and you said, "This sucks. Fuck eating!" That doesn't happen nearly as often any more, so people always get to eat whatever they want. A recipe for fat. The Eagle Snacks ad also emphasizes the amount of crunch that the chip has. That's for the people that say, "Low fat? They'll have the consistency of a daffodil!" There are only three things guaranteed to crunch: Bones, a Flying V plugged into a Marshall stack, and Eagle Snacks Selects chips. 

Since I've had three marketing classes, I could actually end up doing marketing for a living. The joys of a business degree! The first thing that I would do is bring Eagle Snacks back from their slumber. I already have an ad and everything.

Another brilliant thing about Eagle Snacks is that eagles are everywhere in this society. That means that any time that an eagle is mentioned, it's like a free Eagle Snacks ad. 

Not only is Eagle 106.3 The Rock Station!, but you are now hungry for some Eagle Snacks Pretzel Mini-Bites. Also, at the moment, I am listening to a Helloween song called "Eagle Fly Free" (1988). I sure could use some Eagle Snacks cheese curls right now! But of course, the stupid '90s came along and fucked Eagle Snacks in the ass. Normally, people just blame Kurt Cobain for killing everything having to do with the '80s, but it's not that easy. Even Kurt Cobain (Nirvana was heavily influenced by '80s death metal gods Celtic Frost, and Kurt even called himself Kurdt in the beginning to be like Kurdt Vanderhoof of Metal Church, who is from the same town. Boy, Nirvana hated '80s metal!) could not kill Eagle Snacks. Frito-Lay and their 'tos snacks murdered Eagle Snacks with their monstrous market share, which is unfortunate. Looks like it's going to be Mike-Sell's for the next few years.