You Might Think That You're Being Witty If...

Recently, I was unfortunate enough to receive a lame e-mail from one of my good friends (thanks, Jeff), no doubt in order to razz me about being an '80s nut. It was one of everybody's favorite things, an Internet chain letter. Whomever wrote it thinks that they are the biggest fucking genius to ever log on to AOL. It was called "You Might be a Child of the '80s If...", so of course all of the phrases o' lameness are supposed to finish the sentence.  In case you haven't noticed, a lot of '80s nostalgia pieces and websites suck major ass. I call this "This Shitty Side of the '80s"  because not only do people often not know what they are talking about, but they can also be painfully stupid. The phrases are so shallow and dumb that I absolutely had to put this page up with responses to the mongoloid who wrote it. If that mongoloid is you, stop writing chain letters and go back to listening to Kriss Kross.

You might be a child of the '80s if...

-You know what "Sike" means.

    That's spelled "psych", you jackass.

-You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."

    Or, maybe you just know more about music than somebody who thinks Eminem is "kewl".  

"What the fuck is a synthesizer, yo?" 

-You can sing the McDonald's Big Mac, Filet-o-Fish, Quarter Ponder, and French-fry song.

    That song is a piece of shit. Mayor McCheese signed the "Big Mac Song Fucking Sucks Act of 1987" after both sides McCongress, the McNugget Buddies and the Shitty Transformers Rip-Off Happy Meal Toys, unanimously approved it. That waste of notes was not heard after that.                                      

                                                           "Fuck that song!"

 -You know who Mr. T is.

    You damn well better know who Mr. T, no matter when you grew up.

-You ever wore fluorescent, neon clothing.

    You know you are from the '90s and a big piece of white trash if you wore neon clothing any time after 1993.

-You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

    Which one? Incredible or Hogan? Be more specific, and why not actually try to make it entertaining next time?

-You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"

    Oh, now it's just time to name some catch phrases from '80s TV shows. Comedic genius!

-You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

    Stop! Stop now! I can't handle the hilarity! And these references are so obscure! I mean, what's it going to be next? "What's you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

-You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."

    You son of a bitch.

-Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

    Of course it did. Fuckin' tomorrow seems far away. It's called perspective. Read a book sometime. You might learn about it.

-You knew that knowing is half the battle.

    I'm going to excuse this one because it is a great saying. Socrates, Aristotle, Yogi Berra, and even Hannibal Smith weren't able to come up with better words of wisdom.

-You wanted to be on Star Search.

    Fuck yeah, I wanted to be on Star Search! I could have met Britney Spears, made friends with her, and be in her pants right now! Not then though, that's creepy.

-You can remember Michael Jackson when he was black.

    You mean he's not now? I bet his bi-racial children must be confused! The bleach didn't alter his DNA.

-You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.

    My buddy's AK-47 wears a banana clip at all times. I do wish that I had one of those cool chain-gun round bullet belts like heavy metal bands used to wear.

"See his face, see his smile. Time to die!" 

-You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some.

    This sentence makes no sense. Read it again. Stare at its lameness.

-*Rut row raggy.* and *Zoinks*

    That's from the '70s, you fucking cretin.

 -You HAD to have your MTV.

    Nobody has ever had to have MTV. At all times during its history, MTV has been a wasteland of populist garbage with all elements of independence and the real world removed.

 -You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.

    How can it not be? It had Swayze in it! Everybody knows that a Patrick Swayze flick cannot be beaten with conventional weapons. Have you seen the sheer terror in Baby's father's face when Swayze bellows, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner"?  What about Road House? Swayze is the baddest bouncer to ever walk this earth. Not only that, but the crooks drove Bigfoot and they still weren't able to beat him! How awesome was it to see Bigfoot tear through the car dealership and obliterate four brand new Mercurys? He was in Red Dawn as well, which is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most violent movie ever made. And, don't forget the attitude!

-You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

    You mean video game systems get more advanced as time goes on? You might be from 1991 if you think that the SNES is a state of the art video game system, or from 1993 if you think Sega CD is! How about the Nintendo 64? You 1996 bastard!

 -You owned any cassettes.

    WHAT THE FUCK? EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH OWNS AT LEAST ONE CASSETTE TAPE! Think of how many cars only have tape decks. Walkmans are still popular. What about people who copy tapes? People in bands make cassette tapes all of the time. Ever been to a big church? All of their material is on tapes.  Oh, never mind…

-You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.

    No, that's what gullible people from the '50s thought. By the '80s, if you thought that you were either a retard or you were dropping way too much acid. Why would people want to live on the moon? It's hella-cold there.

-You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or the Muppets glasses from McDonalds

    That just makes you a collector of useless garbage.

-You knew who Ben Stein was before you could win his money, *Bueller?*

    A much funnier quote from that movie is Ed Rooney saying "Nine times" when talking on the phone to Ferris' mom.

"Nine times!"

-You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins, ET, Dukes of Hazard, Knight Rider, Strawberry Shortcake or A-Team lunch box.

    Hazzard has two Z's. Your '80s knowledge is really coming out.

-You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.

    Whoa, that makes me think of Cleo from Heathcliff. She was hot!

-You wore your Izod shirt with the collar up.

    Shouldn't this one have something to do with suave euro-mullets?

-You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.

    You weren't really '80s unless you had several Swatch watches on your arm, all in different colors and set to        different time zones.

    "Dude, what time is it? We have to be at Rax at 1:15." 

    "Hell, I don't know, but it's 8 o'clock in Calcutta."

  -You remember when Happy Meals came in a box, not a paper bag.

    At first, I was going to talk about how much cooler it was when they came in boxes. But then, I remembered that you can put a bottle of Jagermeister in a Happy Meal bag and walk around town drunk as shit without anyone suspecting a thing. Who would suspect a Happy Meal bag? It's actually better today than it was then (did I just say that?)

-You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

   Between 1989 and the present? Yes, I do.

  -You had to come in the house when the streetlights came on.

  Um, that just involves being a child, period. No, never mind, only in the '80s did children have rules. In every other decade it was anarchy!

-You had to change into *play* clothes after school.

     Yes, children of the '80s were the only ones who had to follow this rule! The '90s left a filthy trail of soiled Abercrombie shirts, muddy Skidz bibs, and frog shit-stained Polo Sport zippered bicycle jerseys in its wake.

-You owned, or knew somebody with a Commodore 64. 

    No, everybody I knew had 2.4 GHz Pentium 4s with Windows XP in them. You mean your friends didn't?

-You hated Scrappy Doo.

    That's because he fucking ruined that show.  Nothing grates the ears worse than the words "Puppy Power!"

-You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box.

    You do know that Napster didn't come out until 1999, right? How old are you, anyway?

-You wish you had a light saber.

    Groan!  Seventies.

-You have ever said, "Gag me with a spoon." 

    You might be a whore if… you have ever said "Gag me with a big cock before I have to run to the bathroom and masturbate!"

-You had to get up to change the channel.

    Yeah, it's called losing the remote.

Get smarter back at the Life in These Living '80s Page

I'm on my way... home, sweet, home... Tonight, tonight!!