Where'd our '80s TV Shows go?

It's time to pull a drive-by on television programmers for taking away all of the awesome '80s shows away from us. I'm not talking about a '90s-style creepin' in a '64 Impala drive-by, I'm jawing about a Prohibition-era job in a '31 Chevy, see? We will meet in each city at an assigned time on a future date, where we will rent a shitty hotel room, watch old grainy tapes of the show in question, tape our demands to bricks, clean our guns and bitch about the fact that there aren't any chicks around. At precisely the time of day the show was on, we will unload on the unsuspecting facility with weapons specific to the television program. Victory will then be ours.

This will be our vehicle for the hits

The Dukes of Hazzard: This show always comes first when discussing '80s TV. TNN recently took the Dukes off as a part of their big changeover to The National Network. It sounded like a good idea at first; ridding cable of anything country (besides the Dukes and Dolly Parton) is always a good move in our war on idocy. Nonetheless, we are still going to have to strike. Weapons used: Flaming arrows, jugs of 'shine with wicks in them. Name to invoke: Les Moonves

Address: The National Network, New York, NY 10036 (looks like we're going to have to ask for directions)

The Transformers: We shouldn't have to go all the way to the store and shell out a bunch of loot for a DVD with only a couple of episodes on it just to be able to view this program. I recall a time within the not-so-distant past when all you had to do was flip on the Sci-Fi Channel in order to enjoy the gnarlyness. After we have one attack under our belts, this one should go a lot smoother. Weapons used: Lasers, Robosaurus. Name to invoke: Barry Dillard.

Address: Sci-Fi Channel, New York, NY 10020-1513

Knight Rider: I talked about this show's horrible fate on the '80s TV page. Nothing has changed, as those fucking assholes at WGN still has not returned Knight Rider to its lineup. This drive-by will also include a bonus side trip: we're going to visit David Hasselhoff in rehab! The fact that we are mounting an armed attack on a network in order to get his old show back on the air should brighten his day. Weapons used: Grappling hook, turbo boost, ramming. Name to invoke: Harry Carey.

Address: WGN Superstation
2501 W. Bradley Pl.
Chicago, IL 60618-4718

Voltron: I think that Cartoon Network only aired this show for a week just to get everybody worked up into a lather. If you look around on the internet for Voltron stuff, all of the outdated pages say, "Be sure to catch Volton at 5 on Cartoon Network!" Of course, you can buy copies of it on video but that sucks because it is work. Another very important thing is that any time a show from the '80s beats MTV, it shows MTV how much they lick ass. Those dumbass programmers have to be turbo pissed when that happens. "Our ratings are down! Everybody's watching Voltron instead of 'Real World/Road Rules Challenge'. They don't know what good TV is!" Weapons used: A really bigass sword, metal teeth. Name to invoke: Steve Case.

Address: Cartoon Network ,1050 Techwood Drive, Atlanta, GA 30318

Airwolf: This was one hell of a program. It was on USA a really long time ago, and they probably don't even have the rights to it anymore. It does not matter. Gentlemen, we will strike, and strike hard. USA Network will become an example. Once this assault is complete, the networks will most likely be on their knees and be willing to comply with our demands. Weapons used: Chain gun, Hellfire missiles. Name to invoke: Barry Dillard.

Or, buy Airwolf on DVD

USA Network
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020-1513

Empty Nest: Probably, many of you have forgotten about Empty Nest. That's most likely because it was a spin-off of Golden Girls. That's OK, because I've got like 90 good reasons why it should be back on:

1. Kristy McNichol is hot.

2. The late Richard Mulligan was in the movie A Fine Mess.

3. Park Overall is also pretty hot.

4. David Leisure played Joe Isuzu, who was an asshole.

5. It was set in Miami, which is the most ‘80s place in the world.

Weapons used: Vaccinations, Southern charm.

Since I can't remember who had this show most recently, here's a list of people who work at MTV. They all need to die.

The A-Team: This one is still on, but I know that there is some fucker at TNN who wants to take it off and replace it with double episodes of white trash judge shows. That's why we need to mount a pre-emptive strike. Here is a copy of the letter that will be taped to a brick and thrown through a window at TNN HQ: 

"We know that you have been thinking about canceling the A-Team. That would be a mistake. We very much enjoy watching the adventures of Hannibal, B.A., the Face Man and Murdoch. If you take that away from us, we will hit again and you will end up in a fun place, like in the end zone at the Meadowlands or under turn three at Charlotte. You don't want that."

 Weapons used: Stainless AK-47s, ramps to make their Jeeps flip over. Name to invoke: George Peppard.

If we can accomplish this, television will be back in our hands and we won't have to sit through commercials aimed at white trash pieces of shit like ones for Rob 'n Go's (check cashing places), Buy-Here Pay-Here lots, Rent-to-Own stores and "Pay $200 to get your phone turned back on because you don't want to pay the bill". You won't feel like scum just for watching TV during the day after that.

Life in These Living '80s