More stuff to distract you and keep you from beating Q*Bert

What are these things? I have something terrible to tell you. There is something from the eighties that even I knew nothing about until recently. These are called CEDs or VideoDiscs, though today the technical term for them is "these things." That's because if you walk into a pawn shop or junk store asking for a "CED or a VideoDisc" even the most fucked-up pawn shop/junk store owner will say "I don't deal in fantasy formats. Maybe the shop down the street will sell you a DVD Cartridge or an Atari MusicWheel." But, if you walk in the door carrying a VideoDisc and say "Do you guys carry these things?" the owner will just say "No." The VideoDisc (damn intercaps) was a format designed by RCA to compete with VHS, Betamax and Laserdisc in the war for the home movie dollar. These things are sort of like the video equivalent of vinyl records. Once the disc escapes from its case (called the caddy) inside the player, a cartridge and a needle pass over the surface of the disc, translating demon code into pleasing video and sound.

"Ball hit head. Don't hurt because of helmet. DAAAAAH."

Artist's conception of Gordon after finding out about CEDs.

One advantage of these things is their increased durability over the other formats. Of course, they're not invincible. Media companies know that if they built a format that lasted forever, they wouldn't be able to sell you the same thing multiple times. Due to broken tapes and scratched CDs, I've had to purchase Ride the Lightning four times, yet Lars still kicked me off of Napster (as if he never downloaded Witchfinder General and Praying Mantis live bootlegs.) Nonetheless, VideoDiscs can be attacked with pancake syrup, giant novelty horseshoe magnets and even sandpaper. That's why they were so popular at the library and school. Only future mechanical engineers, firebugs and lazy parents that left them on the car dashboard could destroy a "this thing." See, anything related to the vinyl record has one main nemesis: heat. Just like my wavy-ass copy of Def Leppard's Hysteria LP, these things don't like Mr. Sun's happy rays.

This here's my VideoDisc player, an RCA SGT-200, manufactured in June of 1982. Yes, it doesn't work. Woodgrain is standard.

Just like the vinyl LP, the VideoDisc allows for enlarged artwork, which is something you can't really appreciate until you experience it. Album covers are boring as fuck today compared to their '70s and '80s counterparts. Compare the average pop-punk album cover to one from a Journey or Dokken album. It's because CDs are so goddamn small that they are forced to have simple designs to avoid clutter. Nobody drops acid and looks at CD cases. For example, to the right, we have the artwork for the immortal Mr. T in D.C. Cab. On the VideoDisc, T is so colossal and menacing that you know better than to pull a "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and challenge his supremacy. On VHS, you would look at the box and say, "That Mr. T looks pretty tough, but not that tough." That would be the death of you. Other mega-badass these thing covers from the '80s include Warlords of the 21st Century, Chuck Norris' Forced Vengance, Cloak & Dagger, Purple Rain and the Tron logo.

TRON

That's right, fool

Hold up. Let's take a closer look at that Cloak and Dagger logo. FUUUUUUUCK DUDE, THAT IS AWESOME! I truly think that I have found the logo for my first album. Watch out Iron Maiden, a new album cover sheriff is coming to town. But the totally aggro artwork award really has to go to the back cover of The Road Warrior. Click:

How did I get a hold of these antiquated '80s castoffs? I got them from the best place to find old shit, an abandoned house. Those with less balls can keep looking in junk stores. Here's a list of the best '80s stuff I was able to find in the pile: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, All the Right Moves, An American Werewolf in London, Beverly Hills Cop, Brewster's Millions, The Day After, D.C. Cab, Death Wish II, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Forced Vengance, Friday the 13th parts III and V, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdrome, Purple Rain, The Road Warrior, Rod Stewart Live at the L.A. Forum, Rocky II (the Apollo Creed rematch), Rocky III (Mr. T and Hulk Hogan), Scarface, Warlords of the 21st Century.

Q: Why did VideoDiscs fail?

A: They're big. People like little stuff better. These things have several features that make them more desireable than VHS or Betamax. They look and sound slightly better than tapes and the Select-A-Vision (somebody needed to remind RCA that it was the '80s, not the fucking '50s) feature meant that you could jump to different parts of the flick at will, just like on a DVD or Laserdisc. Nevertheless, the ponderous mass of these things was a turnoff to a general public that was quickly becoming accustomed to such micro-sized things as ghetto blasters and car phones the size of VCRs.

The only thing left to do is visit CED Magic, a site where a guy that knows way too much about these things has set up shop and designed a definite Night of the Living '80s-approved logo.