The Geek Space Dominion

Page 11

Deafy Ant Found By Dorse Napel Late last night the USS Deafy Ant was found by Noj and Gate Sikto. They were walking around the station decided to "take a walk outside the station". They were going through the airlock and they ended up on the Deafy Ant ! A few hours later Gate brilliantly deducted that the Deafy Ant must be cloaked! Noj used a communications relay to call Oddo who instantly named the two boys heroes. When asked how he did it, Gate replies: "Eye em uh gud boy annnd eye foundeded Daddee's ship!" Later Noj was asked if he had any real part in finding the Deafy Ant and he proudly responded, "Flowers." Meanwhile, Jetty has been released with a warning never to activate the Deafy Ant 's cloaking device again -- at least not without proper adult supervision. The Deafy Ant's Delightful Dinner Theatre By Dorse Napel Presenting the all new! All wonderful Deafy Ant Dinner Theatre! Come to this unique restaurant where you'll be served dinner by thousands of useless and nameless ensigns! Wait! That's not all! You'll also be entertained by the station's command crew and Mrs. Oh Brain!! Special features in the show will be Chief Oh Brain's "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Starfeet", Dr. Bash-up's "I'm Allergic to Aubergine Stew", Major Key-rack's "Ode to Baaaaaaaap", and Captain Sikto's "Red alert Dux is here!" Don't miss it! Be there or be square! Be there or Captain Sikto will hunt you down and make you come and perform with him! New Turbo-Drop Named By Dorse Napel Today the new turbo-drop was named by Major Key-rack. She, after an interesting incident with a fire alarm in the turbo-drop, declared it "Sir Smoky the Magic Kitty Elevator". Commander Sikto who instantly fell in love with the name, dropped everything and declared he was going to have a plaque engraved with Sir Smoky's name made. He is going to hammer it to the inside of Sir Smoky later today at 0400 hours. Gate is going to help his father by holding the plaque up so Sikto can hammer it on. A poll was taken to see if the new name is really liked: "I'm allergic to kitties..." -Bash-up "Sir Smoky is my special friend, his real name is George. He told me. It's true." -Oddo "Kitties are not honourable!" -Wharf The name doesn't seem to be very popular but Sikto doesn't care. They expect everyone to be at "The Hammering of the Name". Qwak Comes Back By Dorse Napel Today Qwak came back, it turned out he was never stolen by the crew of the USS Voyagee he just went home to see his Mommy. Qwak says he had a good time but missed his bar so he came back. Garax who was in charge of the bar until Qwak came back was sad to be notified that Qwak was back, but stated "It's good that bar is back in it's rightful owner's hands. I nearly made it go bankrupt." Qwak was ready for such as emergency though since according to him "Garax is not barkeep". Qwak's bar is now fine and has more than enough money to remain open for the next six thousand years. "Horse" Discovered By Bash-up Well, I have been searching high and low, and finally I have discovered exactly what a horse is. See the picture below to find out what the chief really meant when he told us to "hold our horses". Sir Smokey Charged for Harassment By Ensign Moon Two day's later after the station's new Turbo-Drop was named, Sir Smokey was recently charged for harassing some crew-members, by saying; "Hey cheese-heads, I want some cheese. Gimmie gimmie cheese!" Sikto was quite disturbed by the thought that his new turbo-drop was talking in such bad form. After recently asking questions, he had this to say: "Sir Smokey, why! WHY!! And tell Key-Rack she's fired for flirting with the turbo-drop. Plus, CHEESE IS EVIL!! " Sikto was restrained for acting strangely during the interview. A hearing is told to take place tomorrow evening at 2600 hours. Rumour Control By Reporter Thommmmm Rumour: Captain Sikto has run off with Mr. Smokey the Turbo-drop aboard the USS Deafy-Ant and is opening fire on Geek Space Nine's cheese storage areas. Qwak: Of course he has! And, to celebrate this event, my Smokey and Sikto Sandwich is on sale at 10 bars of latinum. Oddo: I am patrolling the cheese storage and I can assure you, oh no, what's that? Guest Opinion (Captain Sikto): DIE, ODDO! DIE, CHEESE! Rumour: Qwak actually told the truth. Qwak: Of course not! You know me! A liar! Oddo: ****static**** Guest Opinion (Mr. Smokey): Give me cheese! Next Column

Rumour: Dr. Bash-up is taking a Runaround to visit Bagel. Qwak: Yes! In fact, I'm here right now, talking to Baaaaaaaap about our new Bash-up Special. Oddo:*****no.......Bash...........righ........he... Guest Opinion (Chief Oh Brain): You people make me sick! Where's Dr. Bash-up? You guys made me sick! Rumour: Geek Space Nine is in fact heading on a collision course for the wormhole. Qwak: Doomsday approaches! Get the Wormhole meal for only 5 bars! Oddo: *****.....wormh......no......near.....sta***** Guest Opinion (Curly the Wormhole Alien): I refuse to give a comment. Dux's Advice Column With help again from Dorse Napel First letter: Dear Dux and Napel- I need to get rid of all of GS9's cheese. I hate cheese. What should I do? -Cheesehead Cheesehead, Cheese is good! Why would you want to get rid of cheese!! I'm ordering MORE cheese!! Bwa ha ha ha! I'm going to make you a CHEESE cake! I'm going to get Qwak to serve nothing but CHEESE! Even his drinks will be CHEESY!! The great CHEESY one has spoken. Dux Cheesehead As usual ignore Dux. Second of all cheese is not that bad you should try some. Or if you want just ignore the cheese all together, don't get rid of it, although think of all the people on GS9 that will be left cheeseless if you do. Napel Second letter: Dux and Napel For some reason Baaaaaaaaap has been following me for the last six and a half days. I've asked him kindly to go away and I've asked him not so kindly to go away but he won't. Today his following got worse, when I woke up he was sitting in my quarters on a chair moaning Albesian Shower Songs. How can I get Baaaaaaaaap to go away. Major "Coat-Rack" Major "Coat-Rack"- For some reason I married Wharf, we all got our own problems. The great CHEESY one has spoken. -Dux Major "Coat-Rack", Again ignore Dux, I'm trying to set up an appointment with visiting Counsellor Oi to talk to her. In the meantime, you should know that Baaaaaaaaap has recently reached the age at which it is time for his species to choose a mate. Good luck. Napel Part I of The Trial of Crushed By Reporter Thommmmmmm Just this in! Gate Sikto is bringing Wez Crushed to court over charges of "outsmarting the station genius". Wez's one surviving lawyer, just before a mysterious sniper shot him, called the charges "trivial and ridicu.....". Captain Sikto is acting as judge, with a jury of Dr. Crushed, Dr. Bash-up, and Chief Oh Brain. The jury found Wez guilty unanimously, but Captain Sikto insisted they have a trial. Noj, who was serving as Gate's lawyer, states: "Wez izz giltee. Wee wannt hhimm shwat." Qwak immediately obliged, but missed and instead his Captain Sikto, Noj and Dr. Bashup. The trial will soon continue. Investigation Launched into New Turbo-drop By Oddo An investigation launched into the strange behaviour of the station's new Turbo-drop; "Sir Smokey" has turned up new evidence today. Security officer Xxqwie, on inspection of the turbodrop, realised that when Captain Sikto nailed a plaque bearing the turbodrop's name into it's insides a few days ago, he disrupted a vital circuit, called the "sanity chip" which is responsible for the turbo drop acting rationally. Unfortunately, the realisation came too late for the several crew members who were stuck inside as the elevator darted around the station yesterday at warp speed, "maniacally laughing", as well as the several crew members who were harassed for cheese by the lift last week. The sanity chip has been repaired by Chief Oh Brain, and we can all travel in the lift in peace once more. Weird Disease Affects Geek Space Nine By Reporter Thommmmmmm It's true! It's happened! Geek Space Nine has been hit with a disease! Similar to the disease similar to aphasia, it causes the victim to say the opposite of what he wanted to say in a singing format, simultaneously attempting to change into a Bagolorian cockroach. This was discovered when Oddo started singin "Oh, Qwak, I wanna give you a hug..." while becoming a cockroach. Only minutes later, Major Key-rack, making grunting noises, sang "I hate cheese...". Sikto followed with "Oh, how I hated Torbo and Mr Smokey...I hate...I hate..." and again, making grunting sounds. Bappppppp sang "Bappppp bappity bappp bappp", and nearly became a cockroach, but not quite. Gate Sikto sang "Oh, I am in twelfth grade...", making grunting noises again, while a grunting Wez Crushed said over subspace radio "Eiii aaam goinj tu goin ferzt graad"! Wharf and Dux declared their hate for each other, Qwak officially made huge donations to charities, and other weird symptoms were sighted over the station. More as the story develops. Corpse Count Contest By Reporter Thommmmmmm The Corpse Count Contest is a chance to win BIG! Come over to Qwak's bar for the excitement! Captain Sikto's "Ode to a great big pile of toejam I found in my bed this morning" will have you reaching for our COMPLEMENTARY phaser box! See the ceremonial "cheesing" of Mr. Smokey, the Great Kitty Elevator! Garak and Baaaaap's Folk Dance will have you re-aiming that phaser with emotion! (Price for entry: five zillion bars of latinum) Proudly sponsored by you local QWAK'S BAR

Next Issue: The Phantom of the Warp Core Puts in an Appearence!

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