The Geek Space Dominion
Page 12
Corpse Count a CuccessBy Reporter RutThe Corpse Count Contest was a huge success, with over eighty corpses being found the following morning whilst cleaning up. The most popular cause of death appears to be death by numerous phaser blasts. Well-known corpses include: Commander Sikto, Baaaaaaap, Gate, Key-Rack, Wharf, a visiting counsellor Oi and Rom. Unfortunately the only person to correctly guess the exact number of corpses was Commander Striker, who mysteriously disappeared directly after placing his bet. Aside from the betting, the Corpse Count "entertainment" side of the evening went well also, with Garak and Baaaap being shot down the quickest and Counsellor Oi's stunning rendition of "I Sense That Pain" got the loudest response of the evening, mainly because by that point everyone had used up their blazors and were forced to throw other objects at the stage. Corpses De-CorpseBy Dr Bash-upI would just like to point out that no one was killed during Qwak's "Corpse Count Contest" last night as the Chief and I cunningly replaced Qwak's complementary supply of blazors for a harmless jelly-firing variety before the shooting started. For some unknown reason, however, all the corpses agreed to lie down on the floor and pretend they were dead anyway. I am very busy treating the almost totally uninjured 'corpses' for jelly-burns at present. Rumour ControlRumour: The Universal Translator has stopped working. Qwak: ...We're sorry, the Dominion hasn't been able to translate Qwak's response as it is in Fairengi. Napel: ...We're sorry the Dominion hasn't been able to translate Napel's response as it is in Bagloran. Rumour: Oddo is leading the Changings to a victory over GS9 and Starfeet. Qwak: Of course, I saw him talking to another Changing this very morning. I say we should take him to the brig, bring up the force field and destroy the control panel! Napel: Oddo would never--Ahhh!!! Changings! They're EVERYWHERE!!! Rumour: The replicators are only making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Qwak: It's true! It's a good thing everyone likes "PB & J"!! Come on everyone! A free drink with every sandwich! Napel: ...We're sorry Dorse Napel could not be reached due the fact Oddo and his Changings have attacked the part of the station she is on. Rumour: Qwak is the only one left alive on the station. Qwak: Hello?! Is anyone out there!?! Napel: (from the USS Deafy-Ant) In a sense that's true, as he's the only person who forgot to leave during the evacuation. Rumour: Bash-up has run away with the circus. Qwak: Yep. I saw him practising on the trapeze, he would swing across the promenade. Always looked strange but hey, I'm not one to stop a guy from chasing his dreams. Napel: He was on a rope not a trapeze. He was watering the plants hanging from the second level of Promenade not training for the circus. 
Ghost in Reactor CoreBy Dorse NapelWell it's that time of year again. That time of year when Chief Oh Brain starts raving like mad about the ghost in the reactor core. Last year it was the ghost of a purple dog, this year the chief is insisting that Dr. Bash-up's ghost is in the reactor despite the fact the good doctor is still alive and with us. Chief Oh Brain says that every morning when he's "firing up the reactor" the ghost of Bash-up appears screaming like a banshee. It spins in circles for about six minutes, says Oh Brain, until suddenly it disappears with a final wail. This just in! Dr. Bash-up has reported seeing the ghost of Dr. Bash-up as well! It seems the ghost left the reactor core and is currently floating along the Promenade! Lt. Dux is currently calling the Ghost busters. A poll was taken to see how many people have seen Dr. Bash-up's ghost. Currently six hundred and two people have seen it floating down the Promenade. The Bagloran temple is currently crowded full of people praying that Dr. Bash-up's ghost will not harm them. More news as it happens. Oddo is the GhostBy Dorse NapelIt was found out early this morning that Oddo was the ghost of the Dr. Bash-up, apparently he finds it really really funny to scare people. Later this morning Oddo used his shape-shifty abilities to become the ghost of Lt. Dux and Gate Sikto. He scared everyone so much that the promenade was closed down until the Ghost busters arrived. When they arrived they sucked Oddo up into their ghost containment thing and went away. Late this afternoon Oddo contacted the Dominion with an important message for Captain Sikto: "Captain, I'm hungry please send some chocolate bunnies along with someone to talk to cuz ghosts don't make very good conversationalists." Captain Sikto replied with this remark: "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha de ha! Ha!" He has told the Dominion he's thinking about letting the Ghost busters keep Oddo. Attention Major Key-rack!!By Dorse NapelAttention Major Key-rack! Gate Sikto has asked us (the Dominion) to print this from him to you. Gate would like us to start with this (the spelling and grammar have been edited but no one was sure what he was trying to say so we all guessed): The sight of you, Makes me want to pack. You make me feel like a baby that's new, You pretty Bagloran who likes cheese. I wish you would get a clue, I think I have fleas. Coz whoop-de-dup-de-doo!" The Dominion would like to request that no one asks what this means because we just don't know. All we can say is ask Gate Sikto. The Dominion would also like to apologise to Gate Sikto and Major Key-rack just in case what has been reported is incorrect due to a communication misunderstanding between Dorse Napel and Gate Sikto. U.W.O. Spotted From PromenadeBy Dorse NapelApparently this morning while Lt. Dux was walking down the Promenade to Qwak's after serving the night shift she happened to look out the window. She noticed that there was something hurtling toward the station at what appeared to be a breakneck speed. No one knows what it is so it has been dubbed by Commander Sikto a "U.W.O." or an Unidentified Warping Object. Next Column | Dux has determined that the "U.W.O." will reach the station in exactly seven hours. Sikto has ordered an evacuation but unfortunately there are no ships docked on GS9 except for two run-arounds, the Gangrene and the Run-around-that-doesn't- have-a-name or R.A.T.D.H.A.N. for short. Currently every single person is trying to get into the two run-arounds, as soon as the run-arounds are filled and gone Commander Sikto plans to stuff people in torpedo shells and shoot them in to space. If all else fails he's going to shoot Sir Smokey the Magic Kitty Elevator into space with the command crew of GS9, the writers of the Dominion, and the publishers of Dominion at the "U.W.O." We all hope that it doesn't come to that. "U.W.O." IdentifiedBy Dorse NapelLate yesterday afternoon right before Commander Sikto shoot the Dominion writers and publishers toward the "U.W.O." along with command crew of GS9 Baaaaaaaap and Garax came to Oops. Together they determined that "U.W.O" is really the God of Tribbles. It is a well known fact that Tribbles and Klingoffs hate one another so the Tribble God came to challenge Wharf to a jello eating contest. Oddo, upon hearing the part about the jello, thought they were referring to eating him because a lot of people think he's really living jello. Oddo screamed in fear and transported himself away, all though no one's really sure where he went because the transporter wasn't set for any specific destination. The Tribble God and Wharf asked the Dominion to announce that their contest will take place tonight in Qwak's bar. It's a Tie!By Dorse NapelYesterday, was the contest of jello eating between the Tribble God and Wharf. Wharf pulled into an early lead but soon the Tribble God caught up and they were neck to neck until the station's replicators stopped working! There was no more jello on the station! It was tie! The Tribble God and Wharf were furious!! So Dr. Bash-up suggested they drink all the prune juice that Qwak had to settle the disagreement. Qwak, getting both to agree to pay for all the prune juice on the station, gladly brought out every drop of prune juice he had. They drank the prune juice until the Tribble God exploded. Chief Oh Brain is quite unhappy as Tribble fur got in all the machinery and quite a few things are malfunctioning. He reports that everything should be working soon, the nameless and useless ensigns are at this very moment vacuuming all the Tribble hair up. And no, contrary to popular belief, Oddo was not eaten by the Tribble God. "It Ain't Easy Bein` Non-Linear"Next Friday at Qwak's Bar!
Performers include:
Admission fee: 66,000,000 bars of GPL. Crew Travels Back in TimeBy Dorse NapelEarlier this morning the crew of GS9 travelled back in time with the help of Baaaaaaaap, Moppy, and Sir Smokey the Magic Kitty Elevator. All the crew was herded into Sir Smokey and then Baaaaaap and Moppy made them "go bye-bye" by screaming the "magic words" while spinning in circles. By doing that and by activating the time machine in Sir Smokey. Since all the crew of GS9 are gone Baaaaaap is in control of the station and he must now be addressed as his Baaaaappyness of Baaaaaapdom. All who do not follow Baaaaaaaap's orders will be baaaaaaaaped. A poll was taken at the orders of the Great Baaaaaaapy one; what do you think of Baaaaaaaaaap?
Silly Season ReturnsBy Dorse NapelWithout the command crew the station is a mess. With the silly season coming upon the station there will be nothing left to do but hide. Already Baaaaaaap has been taken by the odd silliness that comes upon the station during this season so strange! He has taken advantage of the fact that the command crew is "out at the moment" by taking over the station and making everyone his "baaaaaappy little baaaaaaaaps". Currently Garak, Qwak, and Gate are trying to stop him but Larry, Moe, and Curly are enjoying the reign of Baaaaaaap and will not allow them to. This just in! Chief Oh Brain somehow managed to return to our time zone and has also been taken by the silly season! He is currently singing the hokey-pokey in Spanish while attempting to "work on the railroad all the live-long day". It is said that later this day Baaaaaaaaaap plans to baaaaaaaap the good chief if he does not help him by wiring all the replicators to produce nothing but baaaaaaapian marshmallows. More just in! Apparently the rest of the command crew has returned to the station by some odd occurrence! Baaaaaaaap has also been taken out of commission by Commander Sikto. For some strange reason the not-so-good commander thought he was reindeer and felt the need to run over Baaaaaaaap. However, he only succeeded in knocking both of them down the turbodrop shaft where they are currently sitting on top of Sir Smokey the Magic Kitty Elevator. According to the station's crystal ball Thelma, everything should return to normal the day of Key-rack declares her hate for cheese. Rumor ControlBy Dorse NapelQwak: Yup, and it will too. I once made 13 million Qwak cups to sell and I couldn't even sell one. 13 is unlucky I tell you! Napel: Where do these rumors come from?! Guest Opinion: Doctor Bash-up: We're sorry, Dr. Bash-up couldn't be reached due to the fact he is currently being pursued down the Promenade by 13 Kling-offs.
Qwak: Nope! Captain Sikto is in my bar right now! It's Dux who's left this time! Napel: Why would Dux or Sikto leave at all? Guest Opinion: Dux: Leave me alone I'm trying to go A.W.O.L.!! Qwak: Uh-huh, I can confirm it, my brother's already been assimilated. So have I. Resistance is futile. Napel: Only in storyiebook form. Everyone head for the hills! Uncle Miles is back!! Guest Opinion: Uncle Miles: Ya see, I haftae tell all ye children me 'storyies' so that ye all can go tae bed. The longer I talk, the longer all ye lads and lassies haftae listen, and when you cannae talk much more of dis then ye will go to bed.
Qwak: No, of course that's not true! Uncle Miles is just a crazy old guy who talks with a funky accent! Napel: I'm willing to believe it. Guest Opinion: Gate: Unca Meelus isss uh Floundererer und he iss uhbot ta tac o'er the stactin! Weee mussst stop Unca bee four iss two lat! Note: If anyone knows what Gate is trying to say please give the Dominion a translation.
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