Christmas Bash "A Bash"
By Chief Oh Brain
The "Christmas Bash" in Qwak's bar last night was an interesting experience for everyone involved. The entry price was originally five bars of gold pressed latinum, but was lowered by Commander Sikto to a donation of any size.
First of all, a single firework was discharged into the onlookers, causing several fire-suppression units to activate, consequentially drenching the audience.
Then the infamous "campee-firee" was brought in, a few sticks covered with petrol.
Qwak allowed the Commander the honour of lighting the fire, due to a previous "unpleasant experience" he reportedly had with such a campfire while holidaying with the Siktoes. However, Commander Sikto was called to an emergency meeting with Jake's school teacher before he could light the "campeefireee", which was eventually lit by Commander Striker.
Unfortunately the campee-fireee sent sparks traversing the bar, where several bottles containing alcohol ignited and set the bar on fire.
Luckily everyone was evacuated before injury could occur. The Christmas bash was moved to the next nearest free venue, Oddo's security office.
Office Destroyed
By Oddo
Today I was peacefully sitting in my security office when a large group of crewmen and aliens swarmed in and began yelling about bashing something.
Qwak got up onto the security control panel, pulled me out of my seat and told the mob that I was going to sing "I'm a little teapot" while morphing into a pink elephant. When I refused they began to propel objects at me until Qwak assured them I was just going to have a practice and we could all listen to the greatest trombonist of our time, Commander Striker. At this stage I called for security backup.
Sabotage "Not Funny"
By Commander Striker
As most of you will know by now, last night was the night of my great trombone recital. Unfortunately, as I now know, someone had sabotaged my trombone. On the first note a pink gelatin dessert flew out, hitting passing Admiral Nakamoura in the face, and on the second, the entire instrument exploded. But as soon as I get a new instrument you can look forward to hearing great music once again.
Officers Imprisoned
By Commander Sikto
Due to a civilian riot on the promenade last night, reported by Constable Oddo, almost 200 officers have been imprisoned in the criminal holding facility and neighbouring quarters. Apparently the mob was "setting fire to random objects", "harassing security officers", "propelling missiles at innocent bystanders" and "generally making too much noise".
Included in the charged are Qwak, Garax, Baaaaaaaaap, Dr Bash-up, Gate Sisko and Noj.
* NEW VENUE*Best Yet
The kind Constable Oddo has provided Qwak's Christmas Bash team with a new venue, the brig. Thanks to his kind generosity, we invite the entire crew and all visiting crew members to the criminal holding cells at 1200 hours today to view Qwak's Christmas Bash.
'Uncle Miles' comes to the Promenade
By Lieutenant Dux
Chief Oh Brian of engineering today revealed his 'true self' while telling 'story'ies' to some small children near the promenade in an obviously fake Scottish accent.
Wife, Cake-Oh, states 'I am very annoyed with all his stupid ideas. First he starts talking like Scotty, then he keeps on telling all these 'story'ies' to all the kids who are supposed to be at school.'
'Uncle Miles', between the 'story'ies' 'The Engineer That Made a Warp Core Breach' and 'The Little Steamship that Could' comments 'Theii story'ies are verii good. Yoo mae lice to heaaeer won?' At this point the Dominion left.
Uncle Miles
Christmas Bash Finally Bashed
By Oddo
Today, on entering the criminal holding cells, I found them to be packed with almost 500 officers who were watching "Qwak's Christmas Bash", which was going on inside the criminal holding cells.
At the time I entered, Commander Thata, from visiting ship Enter-price was tap dancing with his cat, while Qwak was smashing some sort of musical instrument against the wall, and Dr Bash-up attempted to juggle several loaded phasers and containers of explosive chemicals.
I am Stupended
By Sikto
The crew from the docked ship, Enter-price are still proving to be most annoying.
Some big-headed guy with a beard kept stepping into engineering and Oops and sticking his feet all over everything.
The first officer, named Strikorb, was also sighted in Qwak's bar, where customers and barkeep complained about disgusting bits of mud and chewing gum all over the tables where he had stuck his foot on them.
Security had to be called in when Kill Strikorb tried to put both feet and one arm on top of the mezzanine floor while still standing on the ground.
Commander Striker Visit's Drunkard's Night
By Dr Bash-Up
Visiting Commander William Striker experienced the 'Qwak's Drunkard Night Bash' last night, when, after consuming eighty-five gallons of Qwak's new "Christmas drink", the Starfeet officer suddenly decided he was a shape-shifter and was removed to the brig after trying to shape-shift into a ballerian butterfly and beginning to propel himself around the room singing "Do-do ron ron".
Criminals Released
By Commander Sikto
The 185 officers previously imprisoned in the criminal holding facilities for rioting last night, have been released, with a punishment of two weeks community service. Constable Oddo stated "They are a danger to the station when they are idle."
The criminals have also been sentenced to wear the new "bad officers uniform" which consists of pink and purple stripes with pompoms and bells.
Expect to see them helping at the replimat, Qwak's bar, Garak's clothing store, and many other places over the next few weeks.
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Qwak's Opinion Poll
By Qwak
Qwak's Bar and Eating Place has helped construct a speciality poll on the 'Uncle Miles'/Chief Oh Brain story with the assistance by famous psychiatrist and counsellor, Dianne Troy. The surevy was conducted on the public passing through Qwak's Bar yesterday, and it's results printed here for all to see.
- What is your general opinion on Miles Oh Brain?
- Oh, the Chief and I are best buddies- Dr Bash-Up
- He is a suitable chief of his department - Commander Sikto
- He used to be on the Enter-Price didn't he? - Commander Striker
- What is your general opinion on 'Uncle Miles'?
- Who? - Lieutenant Dux
- What? - Bajor Major Key-rack
- I do beg your pardon? - Captain Pick-a-card
- Wasn't he that trunkhead off DS4? - Dr Bash-Up
- What do you think of the 'story'ies?
- They are childish and immature - Oddo
- Gate keeps going around talking about 'the little warp core that killed Mr Borg-o'. - Com. Sikto
- (For children only) What do you think of 'Uncle Miles' and 'Story'ies'?
- He can't spell either, can he? - Noj
- There should be story'ies about super-whammo blammos - Gate Sikto
- What else would you like to say?
- He is acting most inefficiently - Commander Sikto
- I hope he stops that dumb accent - Cake-oh
- He stole my idea - 'Uncle' Bash-Up
Fist-Fight leads to war.
By Commander Sikto
Today my son, Gate was insulted and severely injured when the Enter-Price's "Boy Genius" Wez Crushed "bumped into him".
Gate has declared war on the Crushed family, and has invited Noj to be on his side. The Crushed boy has allegedly joined forces with a Klingoff named Jetty, who is rumoured to be highly skilled in self defence. School teacher Cake-oh Oh Brain has started a unit on bullying at the boys' school.
Visiting Counsellor has a Say
By Bajor Major Key-Rack
Visiting Betazoid, Counsellor Oi has announced counselling services free to anyone with troubles.
'Everyone has problems' she stated last night at the Qwak's GS9 annual 'lose and booze' celebration. 'If you would like to talk them over come to me any time and I'll help you sort them out,' she continued after winning the "Who-can-eat-it -all?" annual choc-o-holics contest.
Unfortunately her psychiatric services are not offered today as she is recuperating in the infirmary after being a victim of one of Baaaaaaaaaap's temper tantrums, after she won the contest. Apparently he has won it eight years running, and was upset at having his record of 48 chocolate desserts being eaten in five minutes flat, being broken by Ms Oi.
War Rages on
By Qwak
The battle between Gate Sikto and boy genius of docked ship, Enter-Price, Wez Crushed, rages on. Ferangi, Noj and human, Gate, have spent the last week playing truant, planning their strategy against Wez and Klingoff boy, Alexander.
Gate stated earlier this afternoon 'Mee aynd Nojg arr goin tew yews oddo tew gett weslee.' Noj also added 'We're goin to throo poggij on him"
On the other hand, Wez when questioned said 'We are planning on using am ultra-sonic tractor beam that I invented to repel Gate's brain cells.'
I am Mortified
By Commander. Sikto
Still more discomfort from crew of docked ship, Enter-Price.
At 2336 hours yesterday an android named 'Day-tea' walked into my quarters and started reciting poetry.
Another incident occurred today when bar resident, Baaaaaaap, and Klingoff security officer of the Enter-Price started trying to eat each other.
The constant appearance of Captain Pick-a-card into my office to tell me to "go see what's out there" is becoming incredibly irritating.
Yet another annoyance happened when son of Dr Crushed, chief medical Officer of the ship , Wez, enrolled into Cake-oh's new entrance ABC classes. The fraud was only discovered when 'Wez', after reciting the alphabet backwards and counting every number ever created told Cake-oh he was a Terralian plague vessel.
Thankfully the Enter-price is scheduled to depart the station tomorrow at 0700 hours.
Revolution Ally Rebels
By Dr Bash-up
Today Gate Sikto's army was reduced to one member when second-in-command, Noj, started sulking halfway through a rubber-band bi-bolt attack on their enemies.
According to Gate's father and commander of GS9, Commander Sikto, Noj has joined the enemy in war.
Noj stated earlier today at a press conference: 'Gate called mee an Egg-Noj.'
Gate and Noj Surrender
By Dr Bash-up
Gate Sikto and Noj have finally surrendered their ongoing war with docked visitors, Wez Crushed and Jetty Roshenko.
This happened today at 0100 hours when boy genius, Wez Crushed put Noj in a containment field for 11 hours with his "Nutra Plasma Ioniser" so he could not go to school or help his Uncle Qwak in the bar.
Gate suffered a similar fate at 0300 hours when he woke up to find himself trapped inside one of the holosours which was on a programme of 22nd century ballet and opera. He was imprisoned inside this holosour until angry residents of Qwak's bashed the walls in in an effort to use the room for themselves.
Wez celebrated his victory with Jetty at Qwak's until his Mom came along and told him it was time for his hair-cut.
'Uncle Miles' Goes Bankrupt
By Commander Sikto
Recently Chief Oh Brain has been shirking his duties to dress up as a cowboy and tell stories to little kids in a dumb accent.
Luckily, all this stupidity is over now. 'Uncle Miles' has been deprived of his pay by the Commander until he starts doing his job again.
The chief has declared for any little kids reading this paper : 'Uncle Miles is dead now because The Little Warp Core That Could had a breach on him'
Resident kids, Gate Sikto and Noj seem pretty happy with this arrangement, which was shown unanimously throughout the station today by every single person under the age of 14 having a party when this news was broadcast station-wide.
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