The Geek Space Dominion

Page 4

New Audio Visual Resources By Qwak GS9 has been privileged with a new form of entertainment. An ancient entertainment form has been resurrected, and the station is soon to have "television". On the list of programs to expect to see are many locally made productions from the station and Bagel. This is not only an entertainment source, but a wonderful advertising and employment opportunity. Doctor Gone Missin' By Constable Oddo If you noticed the small explosion in the promenade today, it was the nurses and junior medical staff having a slight mishap with the medical instruments while the Doctor was unavailable to supervise them. Apparently, Nurse Chokamatu was attempting to open the drawer in which confectionery for junior patients is stored, when the handle fell off, and exploded. Junior surgeon, Plakotaki was at the time endeavouring to access the "Kiddy Games" section of the medical computer, when his chair was detonated from underneath him. The blast sent Ensign Wakiyaki flying straight into the open waste disposal unit, and rescue attempts have so far proved unsuccessful. Security teams are currently also searching for doctor Bash-up, who has not been seen for several days. New TV Programmes The following is the list of the shows which will be available on the new GS9TV systems. GS9 News The New Brandy Bunch Revisited Cook with Keiko Cook with Qwak Sports of the Galaxy Bajor Today Dr Bash-up's Medical tips The Crew's Sunday Theatre Starfleet - it's a jobb. GS9's New Adventures - Beyond the Wormhole. Doctor Rediscovered By Dr Bash-up For the past few days I have been sheltering in the station's bomb-shelter, because of numerous reports of possible bomb-attacks. When I emerged to find some emergency rations, I found that this was not the case. I am most agitated by countless false rumours that seem to be continually circulating around GS9. I would appreciate a rumour-control service very much. Your Wish is my Command By Commander Sikto Doctor Bash-up, you will have noticed has placed a request for a rumour control service, and at The Dominion, we try our very hardest to suit your needs, so here is our very first rumour control special, written and edited by Qwak and Oddo. RUMOUR CONTROL By Oddo and Qwak Rumour - The Dux symbiont has escaped on the promenade and is running rampant in Qwak Bar. Qwak- Sad, but true. While hurrying to an important meeting, Lieutenant Dux tripped and fell, and the symbiont departed her body to find a better host. Come and search for it at Qwak's Bar today! Oddo- This is completely untrue. The rumour started when an alien with a particularly large mouth ordered a pepperoni pizza from the Klingon restaurant, and, after an hours of long and complicated misunderstandings was reduced to this. Guest opinion- DOCTOR J. Bash-up- Till symbionts can not live without a host body, let alone "run rampant". Besides, I saw Lieutenant Dux a few minutes ago in Oops. Rumour - All people currently suffering from accelerated hair-loss must consult the current station's new Doctor, the garden slug living in Garax's shoe box. Qwak- I consulted it myself yesterday and found it most worthwhile. Oddo- For one thing, Ferangi don't even have hair, and for another, the Doctor was rediscovered several days ago, and for another, how is a slug in a box supposed to help hair-loss? Guest opinion- CAPTAIN J. Pick-a-card (Contacted on sub-space radio) I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Please go away. Next Column

Presenters Fight By Lieutenant Dux An argument between two news presenters-to-be turned into a practical-joke war last night in Qwak's bar, when Dr Bash-up and Chief Oh Brain were both considered for the role in the new television series, "GS9 News". The Doctor was enjoying a plate of cous cous in Qwaks, when a bucket of crushed ice from the nearby ice dispenser was poured down his back. Apparently this was done by Chief Oh Brain, who had heard that both he and Dr Bash-up were being considered for the major presenting role. The Doctor retaliated with an exploding meatball placed in the Chief's dinner. Unfortunately the explosive detonated inside Chief Oh Brian's mouth, causing minor injury to his tongue. Gate Missing By Commander Sisko If anyone sees Gate then please tell him his aubergines are getting cold. Chief Impaired By Qwak Our dear chief of operations, Chief Miles Oh Brain has finally left the world of the sane and become a total lunatic overnight. He has somehow attached a large green bandage to his own tongue and cannot communicate with the rest of the world except with sentences such as "Thabama bathaththa pla!". Also, he has consumed several servings of my "Sooper Budget Stuff", a world record as far as I know, which is made of waste paper and cardboard. He seems to thoroughly enjoy eating it. In addition, I saw him just a few minutes ago strolling down the corridor as happy as can be carrying a bucket full of oatmeal. I can only say that I hope he will go to a good place where people can help him. Chief Oh Brain with newest tongue accessory. "Joke" happens on Promenade By Chief Oh Brain You may have been one of the 2,432 people on the promenade this morning who were covered in purple jelly, as the first "joke" in the new practical joke television series "Ha Ha, Ha De Ha". Hosted by Qwak, this series aims to "totally humiliate and annoy everyone on the station". Included in the large group who are now trying to remove the violet substance are Commander Sikto, Admiral Nakamoura, Constable Oddo and Gate Sikto. New Species Discovered By Commander Sikto A new life-form that calls themselves "The Doo-dee-doods" has been discovered living in Gate Sikto's dish of Aubergine stew. Apparently he had been hiding them from the rest of the station for the last two weeks because "they are my friends", (according to Gate). Unfortunately our "universal" translators are having trouble understanding their language, which Gate claims to "intuitively know". So far they have demanded a "sooper dooper hackey" and a new baseball holosour program, or they will apparently "bash the wormhole". Presenters End War Peacefully By Lieutenant Dux The war between Chief Oh Brain and Dr Bash-up ended peacefully last night, when Dr Bash-up told the Commander he "wouldn't want the stupid job anyway", after being told by the Chief that he was not to be the presenter of the new "GS9 News". The Doctor however will have his own programs, "Medical Tips with Dr Bash-up" and "Infirmary" which will be screening later this week.

Next Issue: Bizarre alien virus hits station!

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