The Geek Space Dominion
Page 8
Key-rack Comes Back DiscouragedBy Dorse NapelLate this morning Major Key-rack Nearice arrived back at the station from her expedition to the Till homeworld, in the run-around Indiana. Unfortunately Key-rack forgot how to land the run-around and instead crashed it into a bird-of-play. Luckily Chief Oh Brain was able to beam her out before she was injured. Key-rack, who had no opinion on the matter that the station is under siege by Qwak, was very depressed and discouraged. She is that way because the members of the Symbiosis Commissioned told her only Tills could be Joined Ones. Everyone, except Dux, who has been sticking her tongue out and screaming "Nah nah!" at Key-rack, have been trying to cheer her up. Wharf gave her a prune cake in his attempt to no avail. Oh Brain gave her a foot massage and only succeeded in passing out, even with a gas mask on. And finally, Gate Sikto and Noj gave her a cheese wheel. She seemed pleased at the present because she smiled and started playing with the cheese. She was last seen dropping the cheese down a turbodrop shaft. If anyone sees Major Key-rack please tell her to report to Doctor Bash-up's office immediately. Gown-on Comes BackBy Dorse NapelGown-on, leader of the Klingoff Empire, returned to Geek Space Nine today. When he saw what Qwak had done, putting the Klingoff Empire and the Federation at an almost total war, he started to sob. Gown-on cried loudly to Qwak that only he could start wars and it wasn't fair. Qwak responded coldly to Gown-on "You put me in charge so that means I'm in charge." Gown-on made a threatening face at Qwak but quickly backed down when Qwak threatened to start singing "The Song that Never Ends". Qwak now owns that Klingoff empire. Qwak, who recently gave up on claiming the Earth as his own, decided to take Geek Space Nine instead. He has threatened to sing "The Song that Never Ends" over the station intercom unless he is given a large sum of latinum. Wharf's Secret Fear DiscoveredBy Dorse NapelLate last night Lieutenant Dux was walking to meet Lieutenant Commander Wharf in the holosours for another of their fighting sessions when Wharf didn't show up!!! Dux waited for a few moments but soon became bored and decided to go find Wharf herself. The first place she looked was in his quarters where she found him fast asleep in his light yellow night gown and nightcap screaming, "Get away from me you pink bunnies!! No!! No!! Stay away! I hate bunnies!!! Ahhhhh!!!!" Dux who started to laugh so hard her symbiont was hurting left Wharf and his pink bunnies to come and report this oddity of the station to the Dominion. This just in!!! Wharf has woken up and is running through the station looking for Lieutenant Dux. He says that if anyone sees Dux to tell her to go and see him, also, he said, "I know your weakness, Duxy!!" This apparently scared Lieutenant Dux because she disappeared but moments ago into Commander Sikto's office and hasn't been seen since. Wharf thinks that Oddo has been teaching Dux to shapeshift and she is stuck as the baseball in Commander Sikto's office. Wharf says he is planning to play baseball with the ball as soon as he is off duty. Dux is a SlugBy Dorse NapelEarly today Lieutenant Dux walked into the infirmary and collapsed. Doctor Bash-up quickly acted and put her on a bed afterwards giving her a complete examination. Bash-up was shocked at what he found. Dux's symbiont was gone! Instead there was one of the 2,000 garden slugs that had escaped! Bash-up quickly realised that extermination team must have accidentally exterminated Dux's symbiont while she was sleeping. Judzia, who must have been near to panic, probably grabbed a slug and made do with that until she could find her symbiont, which she obviously didn't. Doctor Bash-up called the exterminators that had captured the slugs and found that not only had the exterminators gone out of business they had released all the slugs through-out Starfeet Academy. Unfortunately all the slugs were destroyed by Wez Crushed and his mom Dr. Crushed. Doctor Bash-up announced just a few moments ago that Judzia would have to make do with the slug instead of the symbiont. Judzia, who claims she can no longer be called Dux, decided she that that was okay and she never needed the old creature anyway. She says she will come up with a new name for herself and announce to everyone sooner or later. This just in!!! All the slugs were not destroyed! It was found the Wharf had taken Dux's symbiont as revenge for telling his most secret fear! Wharf has promised to return it and will tomorrow morning. Torbo DiesBy Chief Oh BrainOur trusty turbo elevator, affectionately known as "Torbo", has died. He is being replaced with a super-modern starfeet model on Tuesday. The cause of his death is at the moment rather unclear. All we can say at this point is that we found some sort of cheese clogging up his workings. Rumour has it that Major Key-rack dropped a cheese segment down the shaft a few days ago. However, security cameras will be utilised in affirming this rumour. Until then, civilians will have to use the stairs to travel from one deck to another. Sikto Comes BackBy Key-rackCaptain Sikto also returned to the station today when his escape-ship, the USS Unreliant was found drifting through space on the other side of the wormhole. Apparently it's batteries had run out a short distance from the wormhole. The ship was towed back in disgrace by the star-tug USS Toot and Sikto was interrogated by Oddo on why he had gone AWOL. He confessed he just couldn't handle the stress of not being able to complete the four-piece jigsaw puzzle. Sailor Moon has appeared!!By Ensign MoonToday Oddo captured a weird pig-tailed girl running around on the Brig, in a mini-skirt, screaming she was "Sailor Moon". When she suddenly stopped short of captain Sikto and pointed what appeared to be a moon rod blazor, at the captain. Captain Sikto screamed "mommy!!!" and jumped into Wharf`s arms. It took four red shirts to help capture the creature known as Sailor Moon. She`s now in the holding cell with Chief Oh Brian, who says his head is going to explode. More as the story develops..... | Another Wormhole Leading to the Alpha Quadrant is Discovered!By Captain JaneweighTo any Federation starship - this is the USS Voyagee, believed to be lost in space. Fortunately, we have discovered another wormhole which conveniently leads to the Schmelta Quadrant, and although we cannot enter it, we can conveniently send subspace messages through it. On behalf of my crew, I would like to say "Wish you were here, and please send more macaroni and cheese." Hairy Kim says he misses his mommy, and thinks about her every day. Be'a'Wanna is wishing for some real Klingoff food, and -- eeps, the Boing are coming to assimilate us! This is the USS Voyagee, signing off. Until the next wormhole... Wormhole Aliens Make Shuttle an ExplodeeBy Dorse NapelEarly this afternoon a Shuttle Kraft left GS9 for the wormhole with Doctor Bash-up, Wez Crushed, and Garax aboard. Inside the wormwhole the shuttle Kraft was flying peacefully along when suddenly it exploded!! Fortunately Bash-up and Garax were transported safely back to the station but an "error" in the station transporters left Wez Crushed out in space to hold his breath. Three wormwhole aliens, who have declared themselves Larry, Moe, and Curly, have taken Wez Crushed hostage and admitted to making the shuttle Kraft explode but no one wants Wez Crushed back anyway so it doesn't matter. This also just in!! The wormwhole aliens, Larry, Moe, and Curly, have decided to help Qwak take over GS9 and they have strapped a stick of dynamite to Chief Oh Brain's head.  An artist's impression of Major Keyrack's new form. Rumour Control
Rumour: Major Key-rack has somehow managed to turn herself into a large
piece of cheese.
Rumour: Doctor Bash-up will teach you to float without artificial gravity
in exchange for a pink tutu.
Rumour: Garax's belt has the ability to change into a grain of rice. More Rumour ControlBy Reporter Thommm
Captain Pick-A-Card is really a mutant being sent to enslave Starfeet.
Qwak always lies on this segment Geek Space Nine is really called Deep Space Nine!!! Sailor Moon Can't FlyBy Reporter ThommmmCommanders Wharf and Dux have been sent on a mission to rid the station of the dreaded cartoon, Sailor Moon. All three are currently in a runaround which is set to collide with the planet Bagel in about...oh, five minutes now. Captain Pick-A-Card of the USS Enter-price says "Wharf has always been a bad officer and I have no doubt that he will crash quite admirably. As for Commander Dux, I'm surprised Wharf picked up a loser like that." Commander Striker puts in "Wharf, Wharf, Wharf, have I heard that name?" More as the story develops. Sailor Moon CrashesBy Dorse NapelThe run-around containing Sailor Moon, Lieutenant Dux, and Lieutenant Commander Wharf has crashed! A rescue mission has been sent to Bagel and they are in the process of removing a crying Wharf from the wreckage of the run-around. He says he's been a good boy and will go to Stove-o-core, which is Klingoff heaven. Doctor Bash-up then gave Wharf something that made him go to sleep. As for Dux, well, she's still in the run-around. Sources say that she is scared of the dark and she will not come out of the run-around for it is night on Bagel. And as for Sailor Moon she has mysteriously vanished. |
Next Issue: Qwak's birthday induces a birthday bash!
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