The Geek Space Dominion
Page 9
We're baaaack! AlmostBy Captain JaneweighThis morning we discovered a new, very efficient kind of fuel: Ocampers! Kiss, an Ocamper who was staying on our ship, turned into a temporal anomaly, bringing our ship out of Boing space and 10 years closer to home! However, one should be careful in how one uses this new energy source it can be very unstable if you don't get the Ocamper off the ship in time. We escaped Boing space, but we captured one of their own, a young human female known as Sever. We are trying to adapt her back into human society, but she still sleeps in a Boing energy alcove, with her new friend Hairy Kim. Until the next wormhole, this is the USS Voyagee... signing off. Sikto Fires Key-rack for Killing TorboBy Dorse NapelToday after the surveillance videos were watched it was confirmed that Major Key-rack did kill Torbo by causing up his gears with cheese. Sikto, who became incredibly angry, fired Key-rack on the spot. Key-rack however did not care. She just screamed to Sikto that Starfeet would get angry and demote him to a red shirt ensign for firing the station's Bagloran liaison officer. Sikto, who realised she was right, panicked and started running around Oops in large circles. In his panic he forgot Torbo was gone and ran to where Torbo is normally waiting. Commander Sikto fell down the shaft but fortunately his fall was cushioned by some of the cheese Major Key-rack dropped down the shaft that hasn't been cleaned up yet. Sikto has declared that he is no longer speaking to Major Key-rack and he is going to lock himself in his office until she apologises. See Ya Later, ElevatorBy Dorse NapelToday Torbo was officially replaced by a modern Starfeet turbodrop. Torbo will be given a funeral this evening. Commander Sikto will say a few words and then our beloved Torbo will be hauled away by a garbage ship. Services start at 2000 hours tonight, Commander Sikto expects everyone to be there to mourn our lost elevator. Also, he asked me personally to add this: NO CHEESE ALLOWED! Starfeet StinksBy Dorse NapelMajor Key-rack has declared that Starfeet stinks. She has declared this because she's not in command. Key-rack has also decided to hold everyone in the women's bathroom on the upper level of Oops hostage until she is put in command. To this Sikto responded: "I am the Emisaree! You will obey!" A poll was recently taken about how many Baglorans think that our dear, bald captain is really the Emissaree or is just pretending.
Key-rack has declared all out war on Sikto but she won't leave the women's bathroom in the upper level of Oops because she is still holding everyone in there hostage. Qwak is EmissareeBy Dorse NapelIt was just discovered that the wormhole aliens didn't say Sikto was Emissaree!! They said Qwak is!! Here is an interview of how Qwak feels:
Oops...By Dorse NapelThere has been a mistake in the interpretation of the Bagloran Puppets. They weren't saying Qwak was Emissaree they were saying he was an egg who looks scary. This newspaper will not refund money for any gifts given or bought for Qwak while we thought he was Emissaree. Oh, and the newspaper would like to send Commander Sikto their deepest apologises for the mix up, he really is the Emissaree. Torbo's Funeral Occurs Earlier than ExpectedBy SiktoToday at 1600 hours, Torbo, the station's recently deceased beloved turbo elevator, was fired out of the station's torpedo tube, by Dr Bash-up and Chief Oh Brain, who apparently saw this as a "fitting end to a faithful friend." Torbo's funeral, which was to occur later on this evening, has been cancelled due to Torbo being absent. It will instead be a memorial service. This just in! It has been discovered that Bertie the Bacteria, Dr Bash-up's favourite pet, was inside Torbo when he was fired into the sun! Dr Bash-up has stolen a shuttle to try and intercept the speeding object before it reaches the sun. | Happy Birthday Qwak!By Dorse NapelIn honour of our dear barkeep's birthday, Commander Sikto has declared next Monday a holiday. There will be a party in Qwak's bar featuring these lovely acts:
Please join the celebration! Assorted cheeses and drinks will be free! No Romulenz or Vul-canz please. Qwak's Birthday a Smashing SuccessBy Reporter ThommEverybody enjoyed Qwak's birthday bash, except for Oddo, as he was hit by a blazor beam when Qwak blew out the seventy-five firing blazor pistols used as candles due to Starfeet's funding cut. Chief Oh Brain wasn't too happy about this, either, due to the fact it will take an estimated four days to repair the severe damage caused by the blazor beams in the Promenade. Garax came out of his shop to watch the festivities, only to have Baaaaaaaaaaaap bap Garax into the shuttle bay, causing him to hit Doctor Bash-Up as he attempted to save his lost pet in a stolen shuttle. This caused Dr. Bash-Up to fire the shuttles blazors, blow apart Geek Space Nine's docking clamps, and Garax, trying to heroically subdue Dr. Bash-Up, accidentally fired the impulse engines. They were last seen entering the Wormhole, and are probably somewhere in the Gamma Quadrant by now.
Rumour ControlBy Reporter ThommRumour: Romulenz, furious at not being able to attend Qwak's birthday, are coming to hold the station hostage. Qwak: Of course! It was my birthday, who wouldn't want to come??? Let's evacuate! Women, children, and Fairengi first!!! Oddo: That's ridiculous. That blip on sensors was just a fingerprint. Sorry, our guest opinion for today, Chief Oh Brain, could not be reached. His section of the station was just hit unshielded by a Romulen disrupter shot. No, no, they're boarding. Arghh!!!
Rumour: Qwak will now tell the truth in this segment.
Rumour:The Romulenz are using tractor beams to pull the station into the Wormhole. Bash-up Recovered, Court MartialledBy DuxDr Bash-up and Garak, last seen flying the shuttle USS Gangrene into the wormhole, were recovered yesterday when they reappeared through the wormhole with Torbo in tow. They were both arrested on arrival by Oddo, for the stealing of Starfeet property. This however did not dampen the spirits of Dr Bash-up, who was yelling "Bozo the Bacteria! I found him!!". Both were released after a five-minute interrogation by security chief Oddo, in which they admitted to stealing Starfeet property, assassinating Chancellor Gorkon, and being responsible for the death of Captain J. T. Kirk. Oddo justified their release by stating "They told the truth, and that's what counts." Insanity Sweeps StationBy Dorse NapelEarly this morning insanity struck! Lieutenant Dux dressed up as a pink and blue elephant and started to parade around the promenade. She also sang to anyone who asked her what she was doing a song called Sweetly Sings the Donkey. Commander Sikto made an attempt to stop her but only started acting oddly himself. After confronting Dux he started hopping on one foot insisting that he was nothing but Kamarian Bunny that likes to play tag with the blue and pink elephant (Dux). Reports are now pouring in from all over the station that people are acting crazy. Baaaaaaaap, who has been unaffected, has decided that someone poisoned Qwak's birthday cake and that's why everyone is acting so oddly. He, who is also now in command of the station, has decided that Romulenz and the Vul-canz poisoned the cake to get even with Qwak for not inviting them. Baaaaaaaaap has taken the USS Deafy-Ant to declare war on the Rolmulenz and Vulcanz. More news as it happens. |
Next Issue: Christmas Wreaks Havoc on GS9!
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