[ Kid Quotes ]

• August 12: Moved to our new home in Minnesota. Beautiful here. The northern woods are so majestic. Can't hardly wait for snow. I love it here.
• October 14: Minnesota is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned colors - shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the country and saw some deer. They are so graceful... certainly they are the most beautiful animals on earth. I really love it here.
• November 11: Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. What a beautiful place.
• December 12: Snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard! We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snow ball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by we got to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Minnesota.
• December 14: More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. It's so great here.
• December 19: More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the drive way to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Stupid snow plow.
• December 22: More of that white crap fell last night. I have blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around curves and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Jerk.
• December 25: Merry Christmas! More putrid snow. If I ever get my hands on the pea brain who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll kill the idiot. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the damn ice.
• December 27: More white crap fell last night. Been inside for three days -- except for shoveling the driveway after that snow plow goes through. Can't go anywhere -- the car's stuck in a mountain of white snow. The weather man says to expect 19 inches of the crap again tonight. Do you know how many shovels of snow 19 inches is?
• December 28: The smarty weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white crap this time. At this rate, it won't melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that idiot came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the crap he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last shovel over his rotten head.
• January 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a lousy deer ran in front of my car and I hit it. Did $3000 damage to the car! Those stupid beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters would have killed them all last November.
• May 3: Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all that rotten salt they put all over the road?
• May 10: Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that god-forsaken state of Minnesota!!!

1. The parts of speech are lungs and air.

2. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

3. A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

4. Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

5. (Define H₂O and CO₂.) H₂O is hot water and CO₂ is cold water.

6. The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

7. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

8. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

9. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

10. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

11. We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

12. One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

13. A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all dually constipated authorities.

14. One byproduct of raising cattle is calves.

15. To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

16. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

17. Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

18. The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

19. Syntax is all the money collected at the church from inners.

20. The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

21. In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

22. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

23. In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

24. A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

25. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

26. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

27. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days.

28. Lime is a green-tasting rock.

29. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

30. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

31. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

32. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

33. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

34. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

35. To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

36. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

37. Clouds are high flying fogs.

38. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

39. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

40. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

41. A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

42. A monsoon is a French gentleman.

43. Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

44. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.