[ 100 Uses for AOL Disks ]

• July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
• July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
• July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
• July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I can't get online.
• July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
• July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.
• July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
• July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
• July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not usenet.
• July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
• JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT'S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
• AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
• AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
• AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DID'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
• AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
• AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
• AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. I'M NOT SHOUTING! I'M NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
• August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? It's probably an extra feature that costs more money.
• August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so excited! I'm going to make lots of money. I followed the instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
• August 9 - I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
• August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
• August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I can't find that group.
• August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. Hopefully someone will help. I can't ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
• August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.
• August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

1. Mini cutting board. (Great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).

2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! - You've got a fly swatter.

3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.

4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.

5. Money clip. (Use the metal door and discard the plastic case... the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).

6. Eye patch (For one-eyed software pirates).

7. Christmas ornaments (The more the merrier).

8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.

9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as reentry burn tiles.

10. Dentures (Melt & form them into new teeth for Grandma).

11. Room dividers for hamsters.

12. Drink coasters.

13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.

14. Ice scraper.

15. Bathroom tile.

16. Bookmark.

17. Mini frisbee.

18. Air hockey puck.

19. Dog chew toy.

20. Dart board.

21. Pooper scooper.

22. Grill scraper.

23. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (Save a tree).

24. Modem slicer - after receiving first AOL bill (Use metal door).

25. Conversation piece for coffee table.

26. Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.

27. Light switch cover.

28. Chinese throwing stars (Tape 2 together).

29. Clay pigeons for target practice.

30. Greeting card (Bind two together at one end).

31. Halloween treat. (Give them away all night long).

32. Bullet proof vest. (Arrange together in triple thickness).

33. Firewood.

34. Bird house.

35. Paper weights.

36. Pen holders. (Make a box without a top).

37. Post it-notes holder.

38. Refrigerator magnet. (Glue a magnet to the back).

39. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle kickstand on when parking on soft surfaces.

40. Keep 'em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.

41. Solar Eclipse Glasses. (Open door and look through disk at the sun/moon - actually works).

42. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.

43. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.

44. Incense burners. (Put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense.

45. Bug Shield. (Glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).

46. Put them on car windshields at the mall. (Along with this list).

47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.

48. Hand them out as party favors.

49. Hidden/spare key holder. (Crack open 1 side, insert key, and then place near door. Completely safe... Who would want an AOL disk?)

50. Vertical blinds.

51. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.

52. Bench press weights. (I can press 120).

53. Grind 'em up and refertilize the front lawn.

54. The new "Domino's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.

55. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.

56. Brake shoes.

57. House insulation.

58. Recycle them for the scrap metal.

59. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seattle. (Walk all over the competition).

60. Hockey Puck.

61. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.

62. Noise maker for your bike spokes. (Why damage your valuable baseball cards?)

63. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk... Makes the perfect pet.

64. Poker chips.

65. Baseball practice. (Throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).

66. Keychain. (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you've got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).

67. Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter. (Add a disk with each link).

68. Earmuffs. (Glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).

69. Grind them up to make fake snow.

70. Earrings. (Put loop into writeprotect hole).

71. Dental floss. (Use actual disk).

72. Use them for zipper pulls, instead of ski lift tickets.

73. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.

74. Use them to fill potholes.

75. Hood ornament.

76. Snow blower replacement blades.

77. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.

78. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.

79. Rubic's cube case. (Make into box).

80. Shipping material. (Keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).

81. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.

82. Snack trays. (Great for holding hors d'oeuvres at parties).

83. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who tick you off.

84. Fly paper. (Use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2 inches apart and apply honey to disks).

85. Pocket protector. ("Gee Gilbert, I really like your new pocket protector" - "Thanks Lewis").

86. They make a dandy addition to a pesky neighbor's back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.

87. Use them as elbow and knee pads.

88. Wax scraper for snowboards.

89. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under water.

90. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.

91. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.

92. A wind clacker. (Similar to a wind chime).

93. Soap dish. (Remove metal to prevent rusting).

94. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (Carrots, beans, peas...)

95. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.

96. Bread roller. (Use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).

97. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.

98. Baby mobile.

99. Fence. (May need a few thousand).

100. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.