[ How Things Would be Different IF Microsoft Built Cars ]

1. "This should be taken care of right away."

2. "Wellll, what have we here....?"

Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

3. "We'll see."

"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

4. "Let me check your medical history."

"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before I spend anymore time with you."

5. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

"I'm playing golf this afternoon, then I've got a date."

- OR -

"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

6. "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."

"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

7. "Hmmmmmmmm."

Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologists also say this a lot.)

8. "We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW; the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

9. "Let's see how it develops."

"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

10. "Let me schedule you for some tests."

"I have a 40% interest in the lab."

11. "I'd like to have my associate look at you."

"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."

12. "How are we today?"

"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like crap."

13. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

14. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

"I don't know what it is, maybe it will go away by itself."

15. "That's quite a nasty looking wound."

"I think I'm going to throw up."

16. "This may smart a little."

"Last week, two patients bit through their tongues."

17. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"

"I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."

18. "This should fix you up."

"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."

19. "Everything seems to be normal."

"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

20. "I'd like to run some more tests."

"I can't figure out what's wrong, maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

21. "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"

He thinks your crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

22. "Why don't you slip out of your things."

"I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow."

- OR -

"I haven't had a good laugh all day."

23. "If these symptoms persist, call for an appointment."

"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."

24. "There's a lot of that going around."

"My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car '98, but then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. (Wait a second -- it's that way NOW!)

6. Apple Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

9. We would still be waiting for the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.

10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas™.

11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill Gate's chauffeur.

12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size butt.

14. Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models.

15. IF cars experienced the same technological progress that computers experienced in the last two decades, cars would get 400 miles per gallon, have 40,000 horsepower, cost under $500, and blow up at least once per week killing all occupants.