[ Top Ten Ways to make Golf more Exciting | Work Etiquette ]

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer, and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. (See Law 3.)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

10. Replace sand traps with bear traps.

9. When somebody's about to putt, announcer screams, "Let's get ready to rumble!"

8. Everyone has to play on their knees, like that hysterical "Dorf" character.

7. Give the Harlem Globetrotters a set of clubs and let 'em do their stuff.

6. Have a minister, a priest, and a rabbi play -- that always turns out hilarious.

5. Every foursome must contain at least one member of "Earth, Wind, and Fire."

4. Roaming the course: real, live, bloodthirsty pirates.

3. Introduce a genetically engineered super-golfer named "Fuzzy Tiger."

2. Find a way to make golf shoes look even fruitier.

1. New rule: Miss a putt, swallow a tee.

Technology: The Workplace Rules and Guidelines?

• Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
• Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
• Insist that your email address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" (or "thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com")
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
• Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
• Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
• Come to work in your pajamas.
• Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chia."
• Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
• Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
• Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
• No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."
• Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
• Grow mold in your coffee cup.
• Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
• Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
• When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.
• Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
• Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.
• "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
• Hang mistletoe over your desk.
• Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your coworkers.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
• Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy, Brady, and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
• For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
• Send email messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.
• Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
• Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.
• Put shaving foam on your bosses telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say "Squish."
• Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby "Pud" McNeel.
• Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get "Creative".