1. Suddenly deep blue eyes opened with an expression of panic.

What color were they before?

Correct: Suddenly, deep blue eyes opened with an expression of panic. Or (without having to use that nasty word): Indigo eyes flew open, panic in their depths.

2. "Do you feel that Jim?"

Every chance I get.

Correct: "Do you feel that, Jim?"

3. Here's one with a tall geeky fellow in a baby blue polyester tux and a real short girl!"

Sex pictures!

Correct: Here's one with a tall, geeky fellow in a baby blue polyester tux, and a real short girl. OR even less confusing: Here's one of a tall, geeky fellow in a baby blue polyester tux with a real short girl.

4. Blair spent the rest of the day and the next finishing grading his student's papers.

Blair's only got one student, but that kid writes a lot!

Correct: Blair spent the rest of that day and the next finishing grading his students' papers.

5. In the language shed grown to love, and the voice she'd come to admire, she heard destiny.

Grow your own language shed!

Correct: In the language she'd grown to love, and the voice she'd come to admire, she heard destiny.

6. "Oh, yes, God Jim," he groaned

Blair really worships Jim.

Correct: "Oh, yes, God, Jim," he groaned.

7. "Freeze Cascade PD!"

Man, those cops are cold.

Correct: "Freeze, Cascade PD!" OR: "Freeze! Cascade PD!"

Three letters and two words....

1. I doesn't matter.

I doesn't talk too good, either.

Correct: It doesn't matter.

2. I never occurred to me that you wouldn't want to do it."

That Simon, never thinking of himself.

Correct: It never occurred to me that you wouldn't want to do it.

3. I mean, I don't know what it means to you, but--I means a lot to me."

Blair has a healthy sense of his own importance. Unfortunately, he studied at the Popeye School of Elocution.

Correct: I mean, I don't know what it means to you, but--it means a lot to me."

4. "I don't quite what to say."

No one can say that Blair's a quiter.

Correct: "I don't quite know what to say."

5. "Blair frowned at the table again, not sure if he could do this - being the closet."

Yeah, he should try something easier, like being the chair, or maybe the coffee table. All those hangers can be painful.

Correct: Oops. "being in the closet."

1. They roll around for a while but only roll themselves right off the bed and onto the floor with Blair on the bottom and Jim landing on top of him barely missing not totally crushing him.

Blair pancake!

Correct: "barely missing totally crushing him", while technically correct is extremely awkward. And since HMG prefers past tense, try, "Oblivious in their passion, they rolled themselves right off the bed. Blair landed on the bottom, and Jim barely missed crushing him."

1. "Was I going to tell Simon, "No, I'm leaving now" even though we are under staffed because half of the officers are out with the flew? "

When will they learn that man wasn't meant to fly?

So many problems, so little time. The officers that were sick had the flu, a shortened form of "influenza". Quotes within quotes should have single quotation marks (apostrophes), and do require punctuation. Understaffed is one word.

Correct: "Was I going to tell Simon, 'No, I'm leaving now,' even though we are understaffed because half of the officers are out with the flu?"

2. It hadn't been until the prospect of losing him that Jim really was confronted by the fact that he had feeling for the Blair that ran deeper than friendship.

Correct: Not until he was confronted by the prospect of losing him did Jim allow himself to admit that his feelings for Blair ran deeper than friendship.

3. Because despite the having someone tending to ones wounds, the feel of warmth that came from a thick blanket, or the taste of descent food, it was plain to Blair that he was still a captive.

If you've ever wondered what mountain-climbers eat on the way down....

Correct: Because, despite the comfort of having someone tend to his wounds, the warmth that came from the thick blanket, or the taste of decent food, it was plain to Blair that he was still a captive.

4. Something that part of him wanted to call it safety, but the rest of his mind chinced him for it because as the last month had just proven, there was no such thing as being safe.

The rest of his mind did what?

Correct: Unless HMG misses her guess, the author meant to say "chided". Let's see: "Some part of his mind wanted to call it safety, but the rest chided him for it. As the last month had just proven, there was no such thing as safe."

5. //How ingenuous,// Blair thought absently as he compared these small personal shelters with the big tents used by the desert people he had travailed and lived with for so long.

How innocent of them to build their shelters of sticks and straw, Blair thought, knowing how he and the desert people he lived with had struggled to build their own houses of brick.

Correct: Ingenuous means innocent, or naïve. Travail is hard work or struggle. The little personal shelters were probably ingenious (clever or inventive), and Blair had spent a great deal of time traveling with the desert people.

6. Groaning with indignity and pleasure, Blair Sandburg surrendered, totally enthralled by the power of his Sentinel and friend. He blinked and sighed in shear amazement when he realized that Jim Ellison certainly knew his way around his guide.

Blair was torn between humiliation and enjoyment, but he knew when to cut off his amazement.

Correct: HMG hasn't a clue what this author was trying to say. "Indignity" is defined as "unworthiness or vileness; something that humiliates, insults, or injures the dignity or self-respect". Either Blair's really torn here, or the author used the wrong word. HMG does know that it should be "sheer" amazement. She also wishes the author had found some other way to express Jim's knowledge of Blair.

7. Seeing as it is quite early, I think that discussing this further it can wait until later this morning. Detective Ellison, I'll will come by the PD tomorrow morning to talk with the two of you and your captain."

I'll will, will I'll? Correcting this, it cannot wait.

Correct: Since it's quite early, I think that discussing this further can wait until later this morning. Detective Ellison, I'll come by the PD tomorrow morning to talk with the two of you and your captain. (Provided the speaker intends to come by the PD the following day.)

8. Jim heard the silent surse slip out of Sandburg's mouth as the younger one turned and fled.

Okay, a surse is a curse. But if it was silent, how did Jim hear it? And how many Sandburgs are there, if there's a younger one?

Correct: Jim heard the soft curse slip out of Sandburg's mouth as the younger man turned and fled.

9. Now he stared into Blair's face while Sandburg took every effort to keep his eyes fixed on his own hands that had come up to grab Jim's arms, still resting on his shoulders.

This is definitely an author in need of some commas.

Correct: Now he stared into Blair's face, arms resting on his partner's shoulders. Sandburg made every effort to keep his eyes fixed on his own hands, which had come up to grab Jim's arms.

10. Blair knew he had a way of wanting things he could not have, a house in the hills, three of four extra inches of heigth, a father, Jim Ellison, the list was a long one.

It's nice of Blair not to get greedy about those extra inches--imagine, only wanting one out of the four. Our boy, always willing to sacrifice.

Correct: Where to start? Typo, punctuation, spelling? "Blair knew he had a way of wanting things he could not have: a house in the hills, three or four extra inches of height, a father, Jim Ellison...the list was a long one."

1. John spoke ignoring Blair's poor sounds of shock and discomfort.

Oh, I dunno, I think Blair's pretty good at making sounds of shock and discomfort.

Correct: Placement is all. "John spoke, ignoring poor Blair's sounds of shock and discomfort."

2. After pulling on socks and shoes, he and Jim descended the stairs hand in hand, and made a casual walk through the house, including the basement and garage.

Jim (who was already fully dressed) likes to wear *two* pairs of socks and shoes.

At first glance, there is nothing actually wrong with this sentence. However, as stated above, the author has already told us that Jim was fully dressed, and means to say in this sentence that Blair alone pulled on his socks and shoes.

Correct: Blair pulled on his socks and shoes. Hand in hand, he and Jim.... OR After pulling on socks and shoes, Blair descended the stairs hand in hand with Jim.

3. He plundered the full mouth of his partner, causing a sigh of pleasure to escape lips being hungrily devoured.

Couldn't he wait until the guy swallowed?

Partly placement, partly word choice.

Correct: He plundered his partner's full lips, causing a sigh of pleasure to escape the mouth being hungrily devoured. OR He plundered his partner's mouth, causing a sigh of pleasure to escape the full lips he was devouring so hungrily.

4. Trying to start a relationship with Jim, the Sentinel pushes Blair away, in no uncertain terms.

But--but--HMG thought the Sentinel was Jim! Does this mean that Jim has Multiple Personality Disorder? That Jim wants to date himself?

Correct: Once again, the opening clause refers to the first subject named. One could say, "Trying to start a relationship with Jim, Blair is pushed away by the Sentinel (never mind the uncertain terms, which refer to language, not action)." But HMG prefers, "Blair tries to start a relationship with Jim, but the Sentinel pushes him away." OR "...the Sentinel rejects him in no uncertain terms."

5. Jim's pants were black, too, fitting the solemnity of the day, and his shirt a soft red that Blair had never seen before.

Blair's not good with colors.

Correct: "...of the day, his soft red shirt one that Blair had never seen before."

6. "So, now you have the milk and cookies, chief." He offered a large, open hand to his partner. "What else would like you?"

"Uh, I don't know, Jim. I've always thought the basket by the door was a little fonder of me than is really proper...." (HMG thanks Katrina for this contribution.)

Correct: Placement. "What else would you like?"

7. Jim helped him hold the cup to his mouth, his hands still weak and shaky.

Well, that's not much help, is it?

Correct: Jim helped him hold the cup to his mouth; Blair's hands were still weak and shaky. OR: His hands were still weak and shaky; Jim helped him hold the cup to his mouth. OR EVEN: As his hands were still weak and shaky, Jim helped him hold the cup to his mouth.

1. The scientist in Blair recognized Jim's need to physically do something after the helplessness the Detective had been submerged in the night before, and the almost copulsive need to reclaim his territory.

Copulsive: when a cop feels a compulsion

Correct: compulsive

2. The throbbing, excellerated beat was easy to feel.

Excellerated: when your acceleration is excellent.

Correct: Unfortunately, the word wanted here is "accelerated".

3. You checked your illusions on the way in, and he'd long ago given up fanatasizing that a twentieth-century Sentinel would look anything like an illustration out of his favorite Sir Richard Burton book.

Fanatasizing: fanatical fantasizing--when you're really, really into it. You know, like Sentinel fans.

Correct: "fantasizing"

4. Jim looked up at Blair, expecting to see a look of anger, disguest.

Disguest: when you're disgusted with your guests--the feeling you get when your guests have really overstayed their welcome

Correct: Jim looked up at Blair, expecting to see anger, or disgust.



Part 3