Like the swallows returning to Capistrano, like the return of the prodigal son, or like that bathroom sink that keeps backing up, there seems to be no way to avoid the continual return of Star Wars to popular culture. So how does the latest entry -the movie saddled with the clunky title Attack of the Clones- fare? First, let's start with the negatives. Sit down, this may take awhile.

One would think George Lucas [the writer and director of Clones] would have enough money at this point that he could afford to hire a writer and an editor. There is no reason the movie needed to lumber on for 140 minutes. The movie is so long I could have snuck out, gone to see a different movie, and come back and not missed most of the good parts. It also doesn't help that the movie seems to know what's going on but doesn't bother to let the audience in on the secret. There's some sort of double dealings going on that involve a robot army and people whipping up a bunch of clones but none of it is resolved in any satisfactory way at the end of the movie. There's also this drive to assassinate Senator Amidala [Natalie Portman] that doesn't make much sense. What exactly is so special about her that the universe hinges on whether she lives or dies? Also, in The Phantom Menace she was Queen Amidala. It seems the planet she comes from -which is populated by a handful of humans and a bunch of frog guys- is a democracy that elects fourteen year old girls to be their queen. Why do they elect fourteen year old girls to be queen of the entire planet? I guess the citizens figure if they don't vote the wrong girl could end up becoming queen. Politics in the Star Wars world have never really made much sense and Clones keeps that tradition alive with it's head-scratcher of a sub-plot.

While there may have been problems with the sub-plot at least it kept my interest. That's more than can be said for the main story, the love affair between Amidala and Anakin Skywalker [Hayden Christensen.] I admit that I don't know much about Mr. Christensen. Perhaps he's a fine actor. In Clones, however, he's flat-out awful. His acting ranged from alternating between puffy faced pouting and throwing soap opera level hissy fits. Some actors can carry a bad scene but that seems beyond Christensen's ability. Every scene featuring Anakin falls flat and considering he's the main character that spells trouble for the movie. Some of the trouble with Anakin also needs to fall on the poor job Lucas did writing the character, something I'll discuss in detail a bit later.

Trying to place the buck doesn't change the fact that Anakin is awful. What does Amidala see in the guy? When he's not whining like a spoiled brat he shows a disturbing love of violence and the charming aspects of dictatorships. Don't the jedi have some sort of screening process to filter losers like this out? After he slaughters an entire village of aliens [Clones is shockingly violent for a PG movie] in revenge for the death of his mother and he throws a tantrum where he declares that wants to so powerful that he can decide who lives and who dies nobody seems all that concerned. This isn't the early rumblings of the tragic fall of Anakin, this is an ego-driven, oversized child. I think Lucas was going for some sort of epic story about the tragic fall of Anakin -a retelling of Macbeth that co-stars aliens- but instead all he's doing is destroying the mystery that surrounded Darth Vader. Instead of adding depth to Vader's character these movies are wrecking his good/bad name. It may seem like I'm carrying on but not enough bad things can be said about Anakin.

Since Anakin [who is occasionally referred to by the demeaning nickname of "Ani"] is such a milksop it's not surprising the courtship scenes of these two literally star crossed lovers are almost painful to watch. When they aren't prancing about computer created nature scenes they are spouting inane dialogue at each other. Romantic chatter can often come across poorly even under the best of circumstances but in Clones every time one of the characters opens their mouth something stupid falls out. The scenes couldn't have been any more unrealistic and lacking in humanity if they had been acted out using Star Wars toys in lieu of actors.

Most of the blame for the trouble with the Anakin/Amidala romance should fall on George Lucas. In past movies he's shown a tin ear for dialogue and that's saying something when most of the lines are discussions about spaceships and other fantastic concepts. When he turns that stilted writing style to romance you end up with something exceedingly strange. In a way I can't fault Christensen and Portman too much; trying to act out loves scenes written by George Lucas must require Herculean effort.

While the plodding romance staggered across the screen other story lines and characters I found much more interesting were neglected. The relationship between the weapon-heavy Jango Fett [Temuera Morrison] and his son Boba [Daniel Logan] could have been developed more than it was. What's it like being the cloned son of a bounty hunter? Sadly, the chance to expand the character of Boba Fett beyond the cipher he's always been wasn't fully realized. Obi-Won Kenobi [Ewan McGregor] looked awesome in a beard and near-mullet but, along with the idiotically named Count Dooku [Christopher Lee], he got stuck developing the sub-plot instead of taking center stage. I also would have liked to have seen more the other jedi such as Mace Windu [Samuel L. Jackson, who's shaved head made him look like the baddest Shaolin Monk to ever pick up a lightsaber] and Yoda [voiced by Frank Oz and who's movement is now belched out of a computer.] Come to think of it, there were way too many characters running around in the movie. Heck, I didn't even know Jimmy Smits was in the movie until a couple days after I saw the film!

It may sound like I didn't like Clones but the truth is I liked the parts that I thought worked. After The Phantom Menace and reading the professional reviews of Clones I went in expecting the worst but, to my delight, found the movie was adequate. The final extended battle was pretty cool, Lucas' love of using "wipes" to switch scenes is great -especially since he's the only director who uses that technique nowadays... the movie didn't come together as a whole but there were pieces that were charming.

I doubt that Clones is going to create any new Star Wars fans; unless you are familiar with the previous movies you'll have no idea what the hell is going on, and even then you're going to be a bit foggy. This film is designed to appeal strictly to Star Wars fans but considering there seems to be hundreds of millions of them out there it's a sure-fire bet Clones will find an audience. Since Clones is a prequel it's limited in what it can present. What propelled the original Star Wars movies was the sense that the plot could go off in any unexpected direction and often did. It's not surprising that the revelation that Darth Vader was Luke's father was such a shock, there was nothing before that in the story to suggest it. But Clones is limited in the story it can tell; instead of going off to whatever Lucas can dream up it has to tie into a movie from 1977. This is a weakness but also Clones biggest strength. It's not just a movie but it's part of a series of films that have gone beyond being a cottage industry and have become a social phenomenon. It may not fully work on it's own but it will satisfy the true believers and that's what matters at this point.

Questions, comments, and screen captures that show that awesome bit where Stormtroopers pull out a squad of Godzilla laser tanks can be sent to gleep9@hotmail.com. Use the force to head back to either the Third Movie or Main page.