When I check through the e-mail I receive about this page there is one question from my legions of fans that I am asked again and again: When is the spiritual sequel to such dumb-ass Patrick Swayze movies as Roadhouse, Next of Kin and -especially- Point Break going to come out? Friends, colleagues and distinguished members of the scientific community, that movie has finally arrived and it is called The Fast and the Furious.

The Fast and the Furious is exploitational B grade movie making at it's best. First, take a subject peripherally pulled from today's headlines. In this case it's southern California drag racing culture and the gear heads that love it. Take the standard movie plot element of tossing an undercover cop into the mix; for this movie it's sissy boy detective Brian O'Conner played by Paul Walker. Add in a hunk type guy who's name will look good on the marquee - a perfect role for the ridiculously named Vin Diesel. Toss in as many car chase sequences as the budget will allow for, chicks sporting short skirts and vacant expressions, and enough dead spaces in the dialogue to turn up the music in order to sell the sound-track and you have yourselves a grade "A" B movie. The only thing Fast is missing is having Roger Corman's name stamped on it.

The movie starts out with a ludicrious action sequence in which three very expensive looking sports cars hijack a moving semi by using a lot of stunt driving and crossbow/harpoon guns. Where did they get harpoon guns? For that matter, wouldn't it have been easier to mug the semi driver while he was at a red light instead of ambushing him while driving down the oddly empty freeway? Did they even need to buy the fancy sports cars -not to mention learning how to use the harpoon guns- just to steal a truck load of DVD players? I know it takes money to make money but wouldn't it have been cheaper and easier to buy a crowbar and whack open the door of an electronics store? The trouble, of course, is that would have been boring looking and we wouldn't have had the zippy driving sequences that fuel [ugh] Fast.

O'Conner is ordered to go undercover to discover who is pulling off these truckjacking since, as his FBI liaison says, if someone doesn't stop these thieves "the truckers are going to take matters into their own hands." Who knew that the LAPD and the FBI are both terrified of the vigilante power of truck drivers? The republic may be safe for now but you should fear the day when the truckers rise up! Then again later in the movie a trucker is shown to have no qualms about blasting the shit out of both his own semi and anything that happens to get within range of his shotgun so the FBI guy may be on to something.

Spending buckets of taxpayer money on muscle car parts O'Conner manages to ingratiate himself to alpha male street driver Dominic Toretto [Vin Diesel.] Before I continue I would like to say a word or two about Mister Diesel. I don't know why people are so hyped about the ability to clone sheep and cats since after watching Diesel in Fast it's obvious someone has successfully cloned Sylvester Stallone. From his freakishly large frame to his marble mouthed delivery of lines there's not a lot seperating Diesel from old Sly. Diesel also has the screen presence Stallone used to have which means he may have a very lucrative movie life ahead of him even if he does look like a walking G.I. Joe doll. The only thing that could come in his way is if Diesel slips into self-parody like Stallone has or if Diesel totally flips out and decides he needs to star in something bizarre like a re-imagining of The King and I that features a hip-hop soundtrack. That, or he could get stuck in a rut of B movie action guy roles and end up becoming the next Rutger Hauer. For now though Diesel makes for an entertaning lead. Not only did he manage to get all his dialogue out without rolling his eyes over the occasional howlers he had to deliver but he was so incomprehesible that I managed to amuse myself by mimicking him for awhile after the movie was over.

Will O'Conner fall for Dominic's sister Mia [Jordana Brewster]? Will O'Conner fall for Dominic -in a strictly hetero male bonding sort of way, of course- as well? Will anybody watching the movie not be able to guess how any scene is going to end the moment it starts? None of those questions matter since the movie is about good looking people racing better looking cars and occasionally shooting harpoon guns. It's a trashy movie that is joyously trashy. When female racer Lotty [Michelle Rodriguez], upon seeing a couple of sleazy looking female extras, sneers out the line "I smell... SKANKS!" you know you're in trash movie heaven. Just go watch Fast and the Furious already, it's awful but it's a hoot.

Questions, comments, and the phone numbers of the skanks from the above movie can be sent to gleep9@hotmail.com. Hit the nitro and lead foot it on out of here to either the Third Movie or Main page.