I've sat for the past few hours trying to come up with some sort of explanation for Treasure Planet but have failed. Exactly who thought it was a good idea? How did someone talk Disney into spending millions and millions of dollars on a film like this? How many hours of work went into making this film? Why didn't anybody, anywhere ask whether any of this was a good idea?

The reason I keep returning to discussing animated films on this page is because not only are they such a weird little niche of the film world but they are so rarely pulled off successfully. It takes a great deal of work by a group of dedicated artists to pull off an animated film so you think more thought would be put into what was being put to film. I don't know what sort of thought process was being used when it was decided to transport "Treasure Island" into a space setting since there's nothing on screen to show why this was necessary. The movie tries to stick ships into space without ever bothering to explain how the whole thing works. Instead of coming across as a rousing fantasy the whole thing feels creaky. Having Treasure Planet filled with enough woozy science to make even a dim-bulb five year old roll their eyes is one thing but even the world the story takes place in doesn't make sense. If I buy the idea that one can sail around and breathe in space I don't understand why the characters toodle about on galleons. Going overboard on a regular ship means you just fall in the water, but in Treasure Planet if you slip up you'll fly off into the ether of the presumably non-breathable part of outer space. Wouldn't you want some sort of ceiling covering you just to be on the safe side? I felt like I was watching a $140 million dollar episode of Space Ghost.

The story concerns young James "Jim/Jimmy/Jimbo" Hawkins [Joseph Gordon-Levitt] as he... oh, who cares? Odds are even if you haven't read the original book you've seen one of the umpteen previous adaptations that are out there. Since "Treasure Island" has always struck me as one of those children's stories that adults like but don't interest actual children it's amazing that there are so many versions of it floating around. Aren't there other public domain stories out there that would make for pointless animated movies? Howzabout "Pride and Prejudice?" There would be lots of froofy costumes to draw, plenty of chances for singing about scheming and/or matchmaking, and you can set the whole thing in outer space! Anyway, Treasure Planet is the same old, same old except it has some embarrassing attempts to be hip like the kids skate boarding stuff, is filled with a lot of weird looking aliens [including one voiced by David Hyde Pierce that looks and acts like Goofy's academic minded brother] and, for some reason, it's set in outer space.

When watching Treasure Planet I was impressed on some sort of technical level. The hodgepodge of work that went into creating John Silver [Brian Murray] was rather nifty. Some of the other characters were also drawn quite well. Too bad the movie itself left me cold. This wasn't one of those total train wrecks of a movie like the wildly bad Hunchback of Notre Dame. Instead the whole thing is simply dull. There's no life, no passion on the screen. Not once did I think someone working on the movie was emotionally involved with what they were creating. Instead of animation done by a dedicated group, Treasure Planet is a production line movie.

I know I'm coming down harder on this movie than is really necessary, but I have the feeling that nobody seems to be home when it comes to theatrical 2D animation. Treasure Planet is not doing well in it's initial theatrical run and I don't see the film ever developing a cult following that will ever help it recoup the money spent on it. Movie pundits have claimed that this shows that the viewing public is more interested in seeing 3D animation instead of traditional 2D work. That line of thinking seems totally off. It's not the tools used to create a story that matter, it's the movie itself that's important. People want movies that are creative, entertaining, or at least not obviously dull. Take something like Monsters Inc. for instance. It's success has less to do with how it was created and more to do with the story it presented. An open note to Disney: Quit making movies that feel like they have been written by second-guessing executives instead of actual writers. Quit sticking the same old tired cliches into the movies, including unamusing side kicks [Treasure Planet suffers from three characters designed for comic relief] and music that can be sung later on by Peebo Bryson. Quit thinking that big equals good. And, fercrying out loud, quit making movies like Treasure Planet.

Questions, comments, and treasure maps can be sent to gleep9@hotmail.com. Sail on out of here to either the Third Movie or Main page.