I'm HUGE!!!

Mr. Nice Guy



Retro seems to be in vogue these days. VH1 just got done with an entire week devoted to the 80s. Grease is about to be released again. Horror movies are making a comeback. Puff Daddy bases every song he has a hand in on a preexsisting hook. Another movie that has returned has been the kung fu movie. 'Rumble In The Bronx' was the vanguard of this trend and Hollywood seems to be finally giving Jackie Chan the props he deserves. The local movie critic recently criticized Jackie's latest film for being too derivative and too similar to his other movies. I ask you, the web-going public, would you go to see Jackie Chan do Hamlet? You go to Jackie Chan movies to see him beat people up in cool and inventive ways. Although, a kung fu showdown between Hamlet and Laertes could be interesting....hmmm.....whoa! Where was I?

This review is going to be short and sweet. I don't need to praise Chan anymore than I did in my review of 'Operation Condor' and he is a brilliant physical actor with amazing combat skills and the loveable charisma of Buster Keaton. This was the first movie filmed entirely in english, using primarily white (Austrailian) actors. The bits were all very entertaining, from the blue door Scooby Doo schitck to the chase on a horse drawn carrage piece. Somewhere, in Heaven above me, God will get Steven Spielburg and Jackie Chan together to do an action stunt piece that will make me weep openly in the theater with joy. I can dream, can't I?


Bottom Line: Chan is still the man but he should go back to being dubbed.
Line of the Flick: "I'm so scared when I speak English!"-----

GRADE=C

Dark City



Roleplaying games are a hobby of mine. If you don't know what they are, check them out at my Theatre of the Mind pages. Anyway, one of the difficult things to do as a Storyteller is to convew the mood and a setting of a game world. One of the quick fixes is to point to a movie or television series that shares something in common with the game. Easy enough for a game set in the Star Wars universe. But, even games set in gamebook created worlds can be pointed to other media. Mekton is a game set in a world where giant robots duke it out in space. Go watch Voltron to get an idea for a character. White-Wolf's veritable World of Darkness has a lot of references for the general feel and most of the games have more specific movies you can point players too as well. See "The Lost Boys" for Vampire, "Flatliners" for Wraith, and now, thankfully, "Dark City" for Mage. Wait a minute. I just realized something. Keifer Sutherland is in all three movies. An amazing coincidence, I'd say. But, as any Mage player will tell you, there is no such thing as coincidence.

Dark City is the story of amnesiatic John Murdock(Rufus Sewell) waking up in a bathroom and trying to remember who he is. He finds his wallet is missing and a dead woman in his bedroom. He stumbled through this dark retro city trying to find his identity. Can his estranged wife(Jennifer Connelly) help? He finds himself being pursued by the police(William Hurt) but also by a strange man in black (Richard O'Brien). He is soon informed by Dr. Schrieber (Kiefer Sutherland) that not is all what it seems and Murdock finds that the world seems to shut down at midnight and the Strangers, like the one pursuing him, come and rearrange the world. Can he find the truth? Does he really want to know?

'Dark City' was directed by the man behind 'The Crow' and written by him and the man who wrote the film 'Kafka'. So buckle up for a wierd ass movie. It's dark, retro, and awesome. I'm a big sucker for things dark and gothic and that usually gets a movie on my good side. There are exceptions to that rule (see Crow II) but Dark City keeps things interesting. There are good performances all around. Sewell keeps the right amount of angst and bewilderment. Sutherland plays the lackey of the strange aliens with a Peter Lorre vibe that doesn't degenerate into caricature as easily as you might think. Noone plays quiet gothic menace like Richard O'Brien, aka Riff Raff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The movie wraps and wraps in stranger and more absurb twists that the general public probably won't get but I loved. Proyas is becoming one of my favorite directors and I hope more studios let him go and run with his dark vision of cinema.

There are a few things I didn't like about the movie, so don't think that you slap everyone in the movie in trenchcoats and I'll spooge all over it. The opening didn't even seem like a movie opening. It seemed like the opening to a Sierra-type adventure game and really distracted me. Although I like Proyas's work, the man need to learn how to do an establishing shot. He had way too many jumpcuts and I think if he doesn't learn some other cinematic techniques his growth as a director will be severely stunted.
Bottom Line: A trippy dark treat worth seeing.
Line of the Flick: "Sleep now."----- MR. Hand usuing his funky powers.

GRADE=A

Palmetto



About 15 years ago, Lawrence Kasdan revitalized the noir mystery drama (and was responsible for the birth of the erotic thriller genre) by making the smoldering 'Body Heat'. Now his son tries to fill daddy's shoes with 'Palmetto', a hot drama set in a small Florida town. I like mysteries, the actors involved, and the gritty feel of a noir drama. Sounds like I can't lose right? Infortunately, 'Palmetto' only comes through one of those counts.

Harry Barber ( Woody Harrelson) is the typical noir hero. He's a regular joe that got the shaft a few times in his life. Enter the femme fatale, Rhea Malroux (Elisabeth Shue) to offer him a good time and an easy score. Help her fake the ransom of her stepdaughter to her rich husband and he walks away with a cut of the money. Sounds easy right? There are complications, right? Harry soon gets drawn into a web of murder deceit and trickery and has to find a way out. The script took its time to win me over but there were enough spins and twists to keep me going for a while. Woody Harrelson plays a decent enough sap who is somehow able to stumble through all the things that come at him and make it out relatively unscathed. Elisabeth Shue also stumbles as well as a ditzy girl that tries to play her role as the seducer to the hilt, just like she's seen in the movies. Ironically, the stepdaughter (Chloe Sevigny) is more of a natural seductress, yet Harry doesn't fall for her. Things get worse and worse for him as he tries to keep everything hidden from his girlfriend (Gina Gershon) but it all comes out and Harry is left holding the bag.

Before I continue, why would anyone consider messing up things with their girlfriend if she looked like Gina Gershon? MAN! Anyway, Palmetto suffers from the inability to decide whether or not its a comedy or if its a serious drama. I'm not saying serious movies can't have comedic elements or vice versa. 'Get Shorty' is a great example of a movie that combines the two. Palmetto has some moments that are funny and some moments that I didn't think were meant to be.


Bottom Line: I would have preferred to see 'Body Heat' again.
Line of the Flick: "What the hell kind of a name is Harry Barber?"----- Ms. Rhea Malroux commenting on the sap she tries to seduce.

GRADE=C

The Wedding Singer



I'm going to start this review with a little bit of blatant self-promotion. I'm one of the morning DJs at the local campus radio station. That's 91.7 FM WSUW, case you were wondering. Anyway, I host the morning 80's Retro show where I play all the songs I grew up with from Scritti Pollitti to Soft Cell. The main reason I'm doing the show, besides the chicks, is to get some experience under my belt so I can do a comedy show playing Monty Python and Dr. Demento Albums on air. Another artist that would definitely see airtime would be Adam Sandler who's latest movie is about...ta da, the 80's! Betcha wondered where I was going with this intro huh?

Adam plays Robbie Hart, a nickle and dime wedding singer in a small town near new York in the Summer of 1985. He's about to get married to his high-school sweetheart when he meets Julia, a waitress at a wedding he's working. She's marrying the philandering high-power broker Glen and although at first they don't admit it, they fall for each other. It's a typical true love at the wrong time story, peppered with the wacky staples of the 80's. This is the first movie where Adam Sandler tries to play areal character insteadof himselfput in a wacky situation and its a mixed bag to be sure. Some parts are good, others ain't. Adam does pretty well is his first comedic acting role but he has help from the lovely Drew Barrymore and some surprise cameos. He also gets to use is Springsteen-esque voice to use on some 80's classics. Drew is devine as always. She may be a wild child but she always impresses me. Christine Taylor also has a fun role as Julia's Madonna-wannabe friend. The movie can be pretty funny at times. I particularily like the song Robbie sings that he wrote half of before his girlfriend left him at the altar and half after she left him. It made me laugh more often than not and while it may not be on par with his other comedies, I do recommend the film.

But there are someproblems with this movie. The 80's elements at times seem to be inserted superfluously and generally make for lame jokes. Most of the jokes in this vein are the telegraphed ones like "Don't wear my Van Halen Tshirt. You might jinx the band and have them break up." A lot of jokes also seem to derive fromold people and kids doing things they normally wouldn't do. Old people being sexual, kids swearing, etc. It can get old fast. The story is pretty formulatic as well. Don't expect "When Harry Met Sally" with a Boy George haircut.




Bottom Line: Take the woman (or man) out and reminisce about those 8th grade dances of yore.
Line of the Flick: "Say hi to your brother Tito for me."----- Robbie Hart to his friend after he leaves wearing a jacket similar to the one Michael Jackson wore in 'Beat It'.

GRADE=B-

Deep Rising



One of the things I like to do in a fast food restaurant is make a 'wopatoolie', which is Algonquin for "let's see how this tastes". I'm sure you've done it. You mix a little of this soft drink with a little of that one and just a hint of that other one. Sometimes you get something yummy, sometimes you need to wash out that taste out of your mouth with some soap from the restroom. Wopatoolie comes from the type of party where everyone brings a little bit of alcohol and its all poured into one big container and doled out as a noxious punch. What is my point in telling you all this? 'Deep Rising' is a wopatoolie movie. It's a highly unoriginal blend of sci-fi movies. But, for whatever reason, unlike the similarly derivative 'Event Horizon', this movie goes down easier. That doesn't necessarily make it spectacular but its an interesting taste treat.

This is one of those movies that you can easily see the pitch meeting for. "It's Titanic combined with Aliens with a dash of Star Wars thrown in! It'll be great!" The good ship Aeronautica (quite possibly the worst name for a ship I've ever heard..everytime someone says it I expect a blare of trumpets from the background) is a big ass luxury liner on its maiden cruise. On board the ship, burglar Trillian St. John (the always nummy Famke Jenssen..aka the russian chick from Goldeneye and, admittedly, the main reason I saw this movie) tries to break into the ships vault and gets caught. Meanwhile, a surly band of mercenaries sneak towards the boat on board Treat William's tricked out speedboat. Ever wonder what happened to the boat from that TV show Thunder in Paradise? Well, it packed on a few pounds but its back in the acting job market. Anyway, they show up on the ship and find it desterted. They stumble upon the surviviors, run through the corridors, most of them get eaten, and generally try to get out alive.

You've seen this all before so why see it again? Aside from the always pleasant Jenssen, the movie knows its not treading new ground but its having fun. It's like going to see a Braodway show at a community theater. You know its not going to be on the same par but you enjoy it because the people involved seem to be having a kick out of the whole thing. Usually Treat Williams makes me cringe (something about his participation in Dead Heat still irks me) but he was actually enjoyable. Mr. Williams is a starter for the B-Movie All-Stars (right wing right across from Marc Singer) and he plays his role as a Buyer's Choice Han Solo well. Michal J O Brian is the comic relief as the neurotic engineer and though he starts out slow you warm to him as the smartass guy. The movie even gives out a small twist ending that makes it worth the general 'no way' rules violation that the movies goes through at the end.

As I said, this has all been done before. If you want something that you haven't seen look elsewhere. The movie also has a very high 'no way' quotient. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of 'no way' its something that happens that doesn't seem likely to happen in real life and makes you exclaim 'no way' either to yourself or out loud. A good example is a revolver that fires more that six bullets without ever seeing the character reload or giving the character ample off-screen downtime to do it. Anyway, there are some pretty big no ways in the movie. Why did the ship blow up at the end? It gets hit with a boatful of torpedoes but not enough to cause the entire ship to go up like it does. I didn't ruin the movie, incidentally, they show this on the friggin commericials. My other complaint. How can everybody get around so quickly? The ship is a big one yet people seem to be able to move from the captains quarters (presumable on the upper decks) to the hold to the labrynthine underbelly like they're next door to each other. The ships power is out so they'd have to walk plus there are dead bodies, collapsed hallways, etc. The point is, the shouldn't have had the ship be so big if they wanted to do all this scene hopping.


Bottom Line: Go in with low expectations and be pleasantly surprised.
Line of the Flick: "You asshole!"----- the snotty engineer after getting shopt in the leg by the head mercenary to slow him down so the monster will get him.

GRADE=C

Replacement Killers

If you aren't a freaky Tarrantino film student wannabe like me, the name Chow Yun Fat sounds like a dis you might hear in a Chinese restaurant. If you are a fan of cinema, you know I probably should be making such lame ass jokes about Mr. Fat. (Then again, the REAL geeks among you know I should be calling him Mr. Chow-Yun....but I digress.) Fat is the definition of the term "smoldering cool". He just has this aura about him that makes you look at him as say badass. He has that same flavor of prescene that Clint Eastwood has. Without saying a word, you know this guy is dangerous. The best example of this is a scene where he is standing alone against about 8 gangstas while his hostage turned partner Meg Coburn (the DAMN fine Mira Sorvino) gets some weapons. You just know that even though they've got him at point-blank range at 8 to 1 odds, he could take them all out. He's not particularily handsome or tough looking, he just is cool. That's the best I can explain it. When you see him in action, you'll know what I mean.

This movie is the cinematc equivalent of Wong's Wok; it's not really Chinese food but it still tastes pretty good. Fat is an assassin for the archtypical Chinise crime boss who is stopped by a sudden attack of conscience over having to kill the child of a cop that killed the crime bosses son. He instead decides to flee to China and inlists the help of Meg Coburn (Mira Sorvino) to forge his papers. Of course, the Chinse crime lord sends out people to ice him and John has to blast his way out of the country. Chow and Mina make a great pair. Chow's aforementioned coolness and Mira's fiery sex appeal mix very well. Danny Trejo comes fresh off of his role in 'Desperado' as a deadly hired assassin to play a....deadly hired assassin. If this keeps up he may get the Michael Biehn award for 'Actor Most Likely to play a hired Gun'. The direction is both the movie's greatest asset and its greatest flaw. I like director Anton Fuquat's style in the movie. He makes the techno=badass connection early on and some of his shots are pretty neat. But the man can't direct an action sequence to save his life. I know he has some pretty big shoes to fill, since one of his big influences is obviously Woo but I was amazed at how hyperkinetic a scene could be and yet seem to be moving slowly.


Bottom Line: Consider this A Chow-Yun Fat sampler plate. Go to HK to he his good stuff but this'll do for most Americans
Line of the Flick: "I'll need guns."----- John Lee

GRADE=B

Jackie Brown


Bottom Line: Quentin still writes verbal symphonies but this one put me too sleep with two many slow sections.
Line of the Flick: "It feels like you have a gun pointed at my dick."----- Orlando, after Jackie asks him "Mmm..baby, what does that feel like?"

GRADE=D

TITANIC

If I ever become a filmmaker, I will stay away from movies that are set on the ocean. 'Speed 2' and 'Waterworld' are two recent examples of movies that made the viewer need some dramamine. The last good water movie I saw would have to be Jaws. James Cameron has had experiences with water movies. Popular rumor about his film 'The Abyss' was that it was a hellish shoot for all involved yet he decides to go ahead and make a movie about the most famous wreck of all time? Then the epidemic known as 'Bad Buzz' buffets the movie and the big JC gives up his bank to battle the bulging budget. The trick to reviews this movie wasn't sitting through the 3 hours worth of film..but rather reviewing it without using all the trite sinking refernces every other reviewer has....

Titanic starts out in the modern day with a modery-day treasure hunter/archaeologist diving the wreck of the Titanic in search of a little trinket called the Heart of the Ocean which in today dollars would be more valuable than the Hope Diamond. Instead he finds a drawing book that is linked to an old woman who claims to have worn the Heart. She is brought on board and the tale is told.

This movie is epic both in story and in stature. It's three hours long but it doesn't feel like it. James Cameron is one of those rare directors that gives the phrase 'the art of cinema' credibility. Much as Steven Spielberg is the Lord of the Action Set Piece, or John Woo the Baron of Slo-Mo, James Cameron is hereby decreed Duke of Dissolves. He shows us the epic staure of Titanic but smartly keeps it in the background. Instead the epic comes in the love story between Rose (Kate Winslet) and Jack (Leonardo Dicaprio). A classic 'boy meets girl-out-of-his-league' tale ensues. Winslet is vulnerable when she needs to be and as cute as he is, Dicaprio turns out to be a decent actor. Usually the actors that the teeny boppers swoon for couldn't act their way out of a paper bag (see Reeves, Keanu) but the kid's got moxie. Billy Zane turns in a surprising good performance (see Phantom, The) as the hissable rich villain/fiancee of Rose. He actually makes you yell at the screen 'Why won't something just fall on him!!!'

The movie is not without its faults. Jack apparently comes from the same family linneage as the Professor on Gilligan's Island and MacGyver. He always has a solution to everything and knows things that he probably shouldn't. The only other warning it to beware of teenage girls watching this movie. They will squeal, sigh, and jabber for three hours so either go during a school day or get a taser.

Bottom Line: A epic movie that girls will want to see for the tender love story and boys will want to see for the stuff blowing up real good.
Line of the Flick: "She was called the Ship of Dreams."----- Old Rose, seguewaying into her story on the Titanic

GRADE=A

The next big sequel to hit the holdiays was the 18th James Bond movie. A mere ten years ago it looked like Bond was dead. His studio was in bankruptcy. The cold war that was the bread and butter of his films was over. The franchise seemed to be run into the ground with the laughable 'Liscence to Kill' that tries to cast Bond as an intense anti-hero that was in vogue at the time. All was not lost. Casting Pierce Brosnan as James Bond in Goldeneye brought the franchise back to life. Brosnan was always one of the coolest actors I had ever seen. 'Remington Steele' was one of my favorite shows growing up and the man is just suave. Casting him as Bond is just as natural as Joe Pesci as a gangster.

TND retuns to the Bond movies of old. Beautiful dames, neat gadgets, witty repartee, harrowing escapes and so forth. Goldeneye had some of those elements but could have been made without Bond. TND is classic Bond and lets Pierce shine. Last movie he had to convince everyone that he could be Bond. Now that's he's got the job, he's having fun. He combines the best of all the Bonds. He's got the cool of Connery, the wit of Moore, the intensity of Dalton and the hair of Lazenby. Its an old school Bond plot as well. The evil leader uses a super top secret device to cause war and mayhem. Instead of taking over the world, Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce) just wants to watch the world go to Hell..as long as his Turner-esque media conglomerate can cover it all. Bond finds an ally in a chinese secret agent trying to get to the bottom of the whole mess as well. They sneak on to the super stealth boat and blow lots of stuff up.

I could start praising Pierce Brosnan again but I'm sure you're all sick of it by now. So he's good. Pryce makes a pretty decent Bond villain his own self. His charisma and meek menace make up for the lack of a remarkable henchman. Michelle Yeoh has a decent role as Wei Lin, the Chinese agent helping out Bond. More often than not, in Bond movies any woman on Bond's side immediately turns into a 'hostage, just add bad-guys' drink mix. But I think Michelle's experience in the HK action genre helped her hammer out a much more fufilling role. She shows she can rock with the big boys, leaving the damsel in distress role to Teri Hatcher in what is barely more than a cameo.

TND is a good action movie that sould be seen with your friends. The only complain I really have is the movie commits the graoner foul too often. Most of the time Bond uses one of his puns, the entire audience groans. Next time, either don't get them out of the 'Book of 1001 Insults' or don't use them.
Bottom Line: Bond+Brosnan=Smooooooooooth.
Line of the Flick: "Bond. James Bond."----- It's the original Line of the Flick. Meditate. Feel the Bond. Be the Bond.

GRADE=B+

Scream 2

Everytime a sequel is made, everyone involved takes a serious gamble. The makers of Scream 2: Scream Harder had the odds stacked against them. Wes was betting all of his new found credibility on the return to the cow that drew him out of the anguish that is Wes Craven's Wishmaster. (I'll take "Movies released because some guy at the studio remembered he had it in his garage" for $300, Alex.)But Wes had some sizable odds stacked against him. The amount of hype generated for this movie raises my hackles. The majority of sequels suck and the minority that's don't still rarely acheive the same effect as the first movie. Horror movie sequels are notoriously bad. They usually degenerate into a laughable 'How can the killer creatively mame people this time' mess combined with the inevitable 'evil spirit' rationale for the actions of the various killers becuase onyl so many people can don a hockey mask coincidentally before it gets hokey. So does Wes make it? Or will he be calling Robert Englund to bum some money from the rumored 'Freddy Versus Jason' property? The answer is: Wes is gonna be okay.

The movie starts out with a greeat sequence to earmark the return of Ghostface (what the killer will be reffered to as from here on out) Gail Weathers (Courtney Cox) has written one of those quick turnaround,out-before-the-end-of-the-fricking-trial books that has been turned into a lurid slasher movie. A young couple (played by Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett) goes to see a sneak preview of it. Jada goes in full attitude mode and points out all the fallacies of the horror movie genre (otherwise known to scientists at the "Why doesn't the bitch just run away?" Paradox) Not to ruin the suspense, but she gets offed and the game is a foot. Everyone from the original returns in some capacity sporting some old wounds and new looks. Jaime Kennedy is my perennial favorite as the video store geek turned film student Randy and David Arquette actually gives Dewey some depth as he turns from the geek trying to look tough to actually picking up a little smoldering cool by survivng the first movie. Some of the newcomers show sparkle as well. Jerry O'Connel turns a throwaway role as Sid's boyfriend into one with a little heart. Laurie Metcalf gets a nummy little role as a local reporter plotting to spring to national prominency by ironically pestering Gale. The best new face is Liev Schreiber at Cotton Weary, the now innocent man that Sid thought killed her mother. He comes of as a young Dustin Hoffman with a bit of Val Kilmer intensity and I can only hope he's able to make a career out of it.

Wes does a good job at the helm and the script by Kevin Willamson isn't quite as hip and smart as the first but is still pretty darn good. He takes a bit of a variation on a theme, like changing keys in a symphony. Instead of directing suspicion at one particular character than switching to another, Willaimson evenly spreads out the suspicion. It doesn't quite have the same visceral rush of the first film, exclaiming every five minutes "It's him! It's him!"

That's the beginning of my criticisms for the film. Looking at the film from a formulatic basis, it hits the same moments at about the same time. The character that's most similar to this one in the first movie dies around the same time. Also, whoever scored this movie should be given a headbutt. The film is utterly devoid of score except for the song "Red Right Hand" by Nick Cave and snippets from the score of Broken Arrow played whenever Dewey is on screen. Hey, I want my movies to be total experiences, dammit!
Bottom Line: Not quite the triumphant return of the slasher film but a decent murder mystery; another film genre that's been severely lacking.
Line of the Flick: "Showgirls. Absolutely terrifying"----- Randy, after the killer asks him what his favorite scary movie is.

GRADE=B+