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| Feb2499 Vet Bill
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his
dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp
body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably,
is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,
demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes
out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat
sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's
body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry,
but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the
vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to
tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the
man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks
how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is
dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.
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Smart Pig
A Friend and I were driving down this old country road one day and we
started to pass a farm.I noticed that a pig was standing up leaning on a fence
with a cigarette hanging from his mouth, smoking.He had a wooden leg and so
I looked at my friend and said "Stop here, I've got to ask this farmer
what's up with that pig." He stops and as we get out of the car, a farmer
comes out of
the farmhouse and asks if he can be of assistance to us.I said "Sir,
we were driving down the road and spotted the pig with a wooden leg
smoking and I had to stop and ask what was it all about?"The farmer says
"Well, you see, that is no ordinary pig.He is one that was raised here on
my farm.
He showed such superior intelligence that we sent him off to school and
he was through high school in just a few years, and he got a scholarship
to Harvard. He went to Harvard and he graduated with honors and received an
MBA in business so we told him to go out in the world and better himself but
he wanted to stay here on the farm with us.So we let him.One night he
saved the lives of my wife and me by pushing at our bed and awakening us so
that we could get out when the house was on fire."I said "Well, that
certainly explains how smart he is, but what about his wooden leg?"The farmer
sort of smiles and says "Well, my friend, when you have a pig that
special, you don't want to eat him all at once!" Here is a good
place to describe a list of your hobbies, projects or interests. |
The vet. and his parrot
There was this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I
mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this
bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the
guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells,
"QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and
locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he
claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with
a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point,
the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few
seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it
suddenly gets *VERY* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to
think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so
worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's
outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do
my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is
astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" |
TWAT'S THAT?
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare.He wanders around until he
comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the
gate. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I have a look at
your horth?" "Sure", says the farmer,"come on in." The dwarf
wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer "Her eyeth,
her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth." The farmer has to bend down and pick up the
dwarf to show him the
mare's eyes. "Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth,
I think I want to buy thith horth." Once again the dwarf wanders around the
horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and
exclaiming, "Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I
think I want to buy thith horth." The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this
stage because the
dwarf is quite heavy. Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her
twat. her twat, I want to see her twat!" The farmer, infuriated, pick up the
dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's
little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes.He
then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!" The
dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better wephrase that... I'd like to
thee her gallop!" |
Pig joke
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what
sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the
correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" Mary's hand goes up and she
says "Moooo". "Very good" replied her teacher. "What sound does a
sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Billy. She continued this for awhile. Then
she asked "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class go up. She's
surprised at the response. She chooses Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stands
up, takes a
deep breath, and screams "Up against the wall mutha-fucka!" |
Kiss the Frog
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured
princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said
to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an
evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will
turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into
the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she
kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so." |
Penguin
A penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down.
He called AAA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told him he
would need a couple of hours to check out the problem.
*
The penguin wasn't in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around. Entering a
local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and
then hung out in
the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage.
*
The mechanic, seeing the penguin enter the garage, came over wiping his hands on a rag and
shaking his head, saying "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin
quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied, "Oh no! It's just ice
cream!"
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Birth of a Calf
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing
wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and
bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well
son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going
when he hit that cow?"
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