Bar & Grill

Secret

A guy walks into a bar and after only taking 2 steps in, he realizes
that it's a gay bar. He decides to proceed because he really needs a
drink.
A gay waiter approaches and asks, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customers says, "Look, I'm just not into that kind of stuff. All I
want is a cold beer."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but house rules dictate that I
cannot serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
The customer says to the gay waiter, "All right, I will but first tell me the name of your penis."
The gay waiter says, "Nike. You know, 'Just Do It'."
The customer thinks for a moment and then says, "The name of my penis is Secret."
The waiter is puzzled and asks, "Secret? What does that mean?"
The customer says, "You know, Secret. 'Strong Enough For A Man But Made For A Woman'."

The Bartenders Joke
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied,

"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

A guy went into a bar, sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender handed him a draft beer and left it in front of the
guy. Thebartender then returned to the other end of the bar.The guy drankhalfthe beer and poured the other half on his left
hand. The bartender sawthis and just shook his head.The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another
andresisted the temptation to ask the guy what he was doing.Once again, the guy drank half the beer and poured the other half
onhisleft hand. The bartender has seen a lot of strange behavior from drunkpeople, but this guy was sober!The guy asked for
another beer. The bartender handed him another andfound that he couldn't resist asking, "Buddy, I can't help
noticingwhatyou're doing. What's going on?"The guy looked at him and said, "What does look like? My date and Iarehaving a
drink!"

PERCEPTION
A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stood behind him and raised her arm really high to get the bartender's attention. The drunk saw that she had very hairy armpits. The drunk yelled at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink!" She got her drink and went away. Later, she returned and raised her arm again. The drunk saw her and yelled to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink!" She got her drink and went away again. The bartender asked the drunk how he knew she was a ballerina when she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before. The drunk replied, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high."

There's this guy on at bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here,... I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall
asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires
me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was
stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to
return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet
and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go
home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink
my poison!!!"

ANTI CLIMAX

A SMALL BALDING MAN STORMS INTO A LOCAL bar and demands "Gimme a
double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm pissed I can't even see straight!"

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE of Southern Comfort.

The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another ONE!".

The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"

So the man begins his tale:

"Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits
beside ME at the bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened before.

You know, it was kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this hand
moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm INTERESTED?

I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head YES, so she grabs my hand, and
starts walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true!"

"She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door
she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match tonight, he's gonna be REAL MAD! Quick, HIDE!"

"So, I opened the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I
didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, TOO. By
now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was
hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point".

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out 'Who you been sleeping
with now, bitch?'

The girl says 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'

Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it
across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.

Then I heard him say 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?'

I think 'Oh shit, I am dead meat now'. But the blond by now is trying real hard to distract him
and convince him to stop looking"

"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure
maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of
scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second
degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE."

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on
my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so
UPSET."

"No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss you off?"

"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"

Your are the person to laugh at this page as of 9/26/98
Ha...Ha... Ha... Ha. Ha. Ha.....Ha.....Ha..

Sign Guest book View Guest book Old guest book

Disclaimer This is all in the name of fun and laughter. All I want to do is spread a little laughter and make you smile to make your day better. So smile a little and laugh a little and past it on. It is the best medicine in the world. Mark Twain thought laughter could ever prevent wars.