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50 Rules That Men Wished Women Knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the
perfect present.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Don't ask him to share his feelings. He's feeling that he doesn't want to share his
feelings.
9. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different; it's just like every other cat.
10. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
11. Sunday Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
12. Shopping is not sport.
13. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
14. You have enough clothes.
15. You have too many shoes.
16. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
17. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past
idiot.
18. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
19. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
20. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound
to miss sometimes.
21. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
22. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
23. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
24. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
25. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
26. Check your oil.
27. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
28. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
29. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
30. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become
null and void after 7 days.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap
opera guys.
32. If something we said can be interpreted in a way that makes you sad or angry, we meant
it the other way.
33. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
34. Never ogle at other guys. We don't want you realizing how ugly we are.
35. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
36. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done - but not both.
37. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
38. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
39. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having
their boobs stared at.
40. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
41. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look
jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
42. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going
out. Deal with it.
43. Every minute we are together does not have to be filled with words.
44. Falling asleep on the couch in your underwear is a perfectly acceptable form of
relaxation. You should try it. Often.
45. The floorboard of the car is not a trashcan.
46. No matter how much we say we like it, we hate waiting while you try on clothes. We are
just being nice.
47. We would rather poke our eyes out with a red-hot poker than be sent out for tampons.
48. The house is only dirty if company is coming over, otherwise it's fine.
49. Lace on anything but your naked body is stupid.
50. We realize women have all the power so it's a bad idea to remind us.
Just let us act like we are in control. Don't worry, we'll die before you.
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WHY IT is GREAT TO BE A GUY
When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
You can go to the bathroom alone
Your last name stays put
You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
You can kill your own food |
Wise Words
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the
same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man understands a woman - before marriage
and after marriage.
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| Why Men Cant Win If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find
something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
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Men
Bashing Day!
The trouble with some women is that they get excited about nothing - then marry him.
It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says 'You know, you're really a lousy
lover.' To which the husband replies 'How can you tell after only 30 seconds?'
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
Guy, naked in front of the mirror: 'Two inches more, and I would be king' Wife: 'Two
inches less, and you'd be queen'
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. (Groucho Marx)
Who needs a husband? My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my
fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a
physician who looks me over regularly.
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them.
Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Q: What's the difference between pregnant women and men?
A: One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.
Q: Why don't men have PMS?
A: What would be the point, they act like that all the time.
Q. What is a man's worst nightmare?
(a) the SuperBowl is pre-empted by a soap opera,
(b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to do it,
(c) a female boss,
(d) he has to ask his wife for money.
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So they can think with an open mind.
Q: What's the most useful part of a man?
A: A wallet.
Q: How can you tell that God is a woman?
A: If God were a man, he would have put the
balls on the inside.
Q Why don't men need to use so much toilet paper?
A Because God made them perfect assholes!
Q Why did God make Adam first?
A Practice makes perfect.
Q: How do you keep a man busy for days?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to lookfor the corners.
Q: What are the three words a woman can always expect from a man after sex?
A: How was I ?
Q: How are men like chocolates?
A: They never last long enough
B: They always leave stains whenever they get hot.
Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What men know about women.
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their
decisions.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll
stay.
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WOMEN'S RANDOM
THOUGHTS
Skinny people piss me off.Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes
I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my
keys.But I've never forgotten to eat.You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to
eat.
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead.Good.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.She had 14 kids, but she
didn't give a shit.
They kept telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative
but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the
nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?"Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen,
bitch... do it and you die.
" The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then
marry him).
Gay, straight... they all want blow jobs.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work,
then I've done my job.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking
too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.Are they kidding? That is my idea of a
perfect day!
I know what Victoria's Secret is.The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into
their shit.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is
it to start the
day by tying a noose around your neck?"
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If MEN had a vagina
Top 10 things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
1. Finally find that damned G spot!
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If WOMEN had a penis
Top 10 things WOMEN would do if they
woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal
about sports, cars and money.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a
surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how
improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it
feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction
which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated
next to his member which causes two inches to be added to
the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9.
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