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Joke Subject Listing |
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COBOL
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story,
we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a
technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and
website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private
consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments
for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different
assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Several
years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems
sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where
even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort
of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and
all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics.
He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000.
This was very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he
would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer
debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was
given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next
thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They
were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and
"He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that
looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a
spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It
is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and
promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had
been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't
been year
2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the
spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to
him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very
much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset.
That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more
starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon
and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual
reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch
any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere. "That sounds
terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in
me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around
the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL."
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Toddler Property Laws
Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If I ... Whoops! Sorry! I got the title wrong...this isMicrosoft's Business Plan.
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Microsoft Word
Easter Egg
1. Open a new document in Microsoft Word
2. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes)
3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
4. Click Tools; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus)
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Computer Funnies
REMEMBER WHEN....
A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW
A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN....
AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT.....
MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND
AND GIG WAS SOMETHING YOU DID ON STAGE FOR MONEY
NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES
AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT
A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW
A CURSOR USED PROFANITY
A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO
MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE
A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT
AND IF YOU HAD A 3 =BD' FLOPPY YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT
COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE
AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE
LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE
HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD
A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED
AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE
CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE
PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE
A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME
AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU
I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD
I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS, THEY WISH THEY WERE
DEAD
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In my chair......
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to
save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become
a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my
left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should
be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell
someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my
right." God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates replies, "I believe you're in my chair."
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