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OK, IT HAS HAPPENED TO US ALL...
YOUR CRUISING ALONG, MAYBE GOING JUST A LITTLE OVER THE SPEED LIMIT, (95 IN A 55....HEY,
AT LEAST YOU GOT HALF OF IT RIGHT...),WHEN BEHIND YOU APPEARS, BEARING IN HIS MOUTH A
DOUGHNUT, AND IN ONE HAND A CUP OF COFFEE........THE POLICE...... BLUE LIGHTS
FLASHING, SIREN WAILING....
WELL, WHEN HE FINALLY GETS YOU TO PULL OVER..( AFTER THE HIGH SPEED CHASE ACROSS 2 STATES,
ABOUT 12 COUNTIES....HELL, YOU ALMOST MADE IT TO MEXICO....TOO BAD YOU RAN OUT OF GAS...),
HERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU DO NOT SAY....
16 Things Not To Say To A Cop: (while driving a Vette)
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
9. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
10. I pay your salary!
11. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.
12. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's
how far ahead of me they are.
13. What do you mean" Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
14. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got
lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
15. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared this .44 magnum.
16. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
AND, OF COURSE I MUST ADD MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
"I HAD TO DRIVE OFFICER, I WAS TOO DRUNK TO WALK...."
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Yuppie
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door,
ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was
complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what
they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!" retorted the officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left
arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my aaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally
noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's
myRolex?!!!!!"
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Game Warden
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out
of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and
started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the
Game Warden. After about a half mile the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands
on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella
pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well,
son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks!You
don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied
the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one ..."
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Criminals
Why all those mad genius criminals are only in the movies . .
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video
camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located
elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for
change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all
the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from
the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer? $15. If someone points gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
committed?
Florida: [Pardon our English] Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into
the bank one day. Taking aim at the armed security guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F_ _K-UP!!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then, the
snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably
saved his life, because he had been about to draw his gun. He could not have drawn and
fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
event, the bank has put an engraved plaque on the wall: "Freeze, Mother-Stickers,
this is a F_ _ _ _-up!"
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he would just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So, he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block
bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.
The clerk immediately called 9-1-1 and the woman was able to give the police a detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They
put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the
car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer...that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Michigan: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him
down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked
away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine
to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine,
though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove
home. ...With the chain still attached to the machine. ...With their bumper still attached
to the chain. ...With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
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laugh at this page as of 9/26/98
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