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Rub this!
A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his
livelihood and
possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across
an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the
role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it.
POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. " Oy Vey!" he said. "Am I
glad to be outta there. Three
hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my
boy?"
The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll
grant you two
wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins."
"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration, "I'd like to be
white and surrounded by women."
"No problem" said the Genie,
POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.
Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string attached.
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Letter to a
Redneck
Dear Redneck Son;
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we
did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within
10 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because
the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that
they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well
though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days
and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them
off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a
baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt
or an uncle. The
baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated
and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends
were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much
more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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Is that Jesus???
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great
difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up
painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish
whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down here?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The
next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow.He
shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar
and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.The bartender nodded, so the
Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a
redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!Hey,
is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give
Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"The Irishman felt the
strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched
the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his
back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus
walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch
me! I'm drawing disability!"
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Jewish
Four Jewish ladies are sitting around playing mah jongg. First lady says, "you know
girls, I have nown you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest.
I am a Kleptomaniac. But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we
have been friends for too long." Next lady ays, "well, since we are having a
true confessions here, I must get something off my chest. I am a nymphamaniac. But don't
worry I have not hit on your husbands' . They don't interest me and never will; we have
been friends for too long." Well, says the third lady, "I too must confess
something.
I am a lesbian. But do not worry;I will not hit on you.You are not my type. We have been
friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up, says,
"I have a confession to make also..... I am a Yenta and I have some phone calls to
make."
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A little
circumcision humor
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around,
scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's
quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite
itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask
her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his
seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.Back down she goes,
only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.I thought i told you to
call your mom, she says. I did, he says, and she told me that if i could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me upfrom school.
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Things You'll Never
Hear a Redneck Say:
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
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