and

can they co-exist?

   LONG AGO, IN A LAND FAR FAR AWAY, THERE LIVED A BEAUTIFUL
    PRINCESS NAMED LEIA. SHE WORKED IN A DROID REPAIR SHOP            
     ONE OF HER FREQUENT CUSTOMERS WAS A MAN BY THE NAME
       OF HAN WESTLEY, BUT SHE NEVER CALLED HIM THAT...

             (Isn't that a wonderful beginning?)

Leia's beauty had come to be known to all in the land, and Prince Jabba chose her to be his bride. However, since she was quite accustomed to her life in Mos Eisley and the people of her village, and additionally was not especially attracted to Jabba, he arranged for the Jedi master Yoda to capture her and bring her to him. Yoda and his two helpers gladly accepted the task.

The group looked strange as they walked into the droid repair shop. A short, green, old man; a young man; and a tall, brown, hairy creature. The green one spoke first:

"English-speaking droids, have you?"
Leia responded, "Yes, I have many, but they are all unfortunately being repaired at the time."
"Good. Then no one to hear you scream there be."

And with that, the hairy one grabbed Leia and fled in their land cruiser.

Han Westley, being her first customer that morning, saw the trio escape with Leia. He jumped on his speeder bike and chased after them. Soon, he was out of Mos Eisley and into the Dagobagh fire swamp. Han was a little nervous, since he knew that no one had survived a speeder bike battle in the fire swamp. Neck and neck, the bike and cruiser, the captors soon realized they would not be able to escape unless they created a diversion. So the young man leaped onto Han's bike, in hopes of taking him down. Not being able to successfully navigate the forest and fight this man at the same time, Han was forced to jump off his bike and allow it to crash into a tree. Both the man and Han tumbled to the marshy floor below, with Han's bike, now out of control, crashed into a tree. The other craft looked on, but they too were not altogether free, since an R.O.U.S. (Rancors of Unusual Size) had just jumped on them from a nearby tree. The other craft lost control and skidded to a disturbing stop on the forest floor, fortunate enough only to avoid slamming into a tree. All unscathed (and the Rancor apparently being thrown from the bike as it bumped along the swamp floor), they leapt out and proceeded on foot, leaving Luke Montoya to dispose of Han.

Han Westley looked at the man with keen excitement for the battle to come. Just then the man spoke to Han.

"You don't by any chance happen to know of a man in black?"
"Do you always start conversations this way?"
"My father was killed by a man in black, and I have dedicated my entire life to finding him and avenging my father's death."
"Well, I certainly hope you find him someday."
"I used to live here, you know."
"You're gonna die here, you know. Convenient."

And with that they both withdrew their lightsabers and circled each other. They began their battle. Each countered the other in a fantastic display of light, filling the sky with cries of vengeance, persistence, and warfare. While the battle techniques and movements could be explained in depth, creating a narrative hours long, they will not be. So, in short, Han won, leaving Luke unconsious and beaten, and followed the tracks to the captors and the princess.

Han soon encountered the hairy one, waiting for him. The wookie let out a gargled "roar" and charged Han. The two battled it out, and although the wookie was very strong, he was also not very bright nor very quick, and Han soon defeated him as well, leaving him to rest unconscious and dream of female wookies.

Meanwhile, Prince Jabba had figured something had gone wrong, and sent Boba Fett and Lord Vader to find the princess.

Following the path again, Han soon came upon the small green one and Leia, sitting in front of a table with wine. His presence was quite obviously shocking to Leia, since she had thought Obi-Wan Kenobi was her only hope.

"HmmMmmm. Down to you and down to me it is. Not come closer you must. Persued us long way you have. Impasse we are at because fight you I cannot. Jedi master I am, but old and weak."
"Then might I propose, seeing as you are a master, a battle of wits, for the princess to the death."
"Accept I do."
"I shall pour the wine. Now, I will add poison to one cup and you must choose which one. Then we both drink and find out who is right and who is dead."
"But so simple it is. Clever man put poison in own goblet he would. Only fools reach for what given them. Choose wine in front of you I would not. But know you fool I am not, so not choose wine in front of me. Yet Tatooine origin of poison is. Tatooine peopled with criminals it is, so not choose wine in front of you. Know you my wisdom and know you that I would know poison's origin. So choose wine in front of me clearly not I do."
"You're just stalling now."
"Jedi master I am. Stalling I do not. Beaten my wookie you have, so strong you are. Could rely on strength to save you, so not choose wine in front of you. But bested my young apprentice you have also, so studying must you have done. Know you man is mortal, and force not always save you. Death not you want, so poison put far from you. Clearly not choose wine in front of me."
"Enough! Make your choice!"
"Choose I--HmmMmm. What that there?"
Han Westley turned around in wonder.
"What? Where? I don't see anything."
"Saw something I did. Matter not. Drink you from your goblet, drink me from mine."
They both drank slowly from their respective goblets. Then, Han replied,
"You chose wrong."
"Only you think did I choose wrong. Switched goblets I did while you turned. Fell victim to classic blunder you did. First is 'Not get in tongue fight with Jabba.' But of most importance is 'To challenge not a Jedi master when death is on the line.'"

The small green, former Jedi master fell over dead. Han released Leia from her captive bonds. While they were enjoying a thoroughly pleasant reunion, Boba Fett interrupted them quite rudely, in my opinion. Together with Vader, they were able to capture both of them. They were both brought before Jabba.
"Haw Haw Haw! Glaihj slakwoe sobienuf ij wiryalv aowiel oa sekdia ighalskod asloni soi asmalk jas fi iwoc diflakas."
"He said, 'You thought you could escape, but you were wrong. The princess shall stay with me to be my wife, but Han Westley shall be frozen in carbonite as a reminder to all not to interfere with royal commands.'"

And with that, the two were separated, and Leia was brought to Jabba's palace to wed the Prince.

Meanwhile, Luke had awoken and began his search for the other two. As he followed the path, he found his friend Chewbacca, who was just awakening.

"What happened Chewie?"
"Aaaaaaaargugugug."
"That bad, eh? Let us find master Yoda. He must have succeeded in his mission."

So they followed the same path and eventually came upon the dead and faintly smelling Yoda.

"Any man this determined and this brilliant," said Luke, "Must be able to help me avenge the man who killed my father. We must find him."

The two of them headed off to Jabba's palace to find what had happened to the princess and Han. This was not a difficult task, as anyone at the palace bar would easily talk when bribed with a sum of credits. Within a few hours, Luke and Chewie knew where Han had been taken. Not wasting a moment, they snuck into the room where Han was being kept--only to find him frozen in carbonite. Not to be defeated, Chewie and Luke managed to lug Han's frozen body away. They had to see Miracle 3PO.

"What? Who is it?" 3PO responded when Luke knocked on his chamber door.
"Are you the droid who worked for Jabba all those years? We need a miracle, and it's very important."
"Jabba shipped me off to this horrid land. Thanks for bringing up such a painful subject. Why don't you cut a few of my wires off and shock me with them?"
"Please. This man is frozen in carbonite, and I desperately need his help."
"Since you're so desperate, I'll take a look."

Han was dragged in and thumped against the wall. 3PO knocked on the carbon plate.

"I've seen worse. The possibility of successfully unfreezing this man is approximately 3,720 to one. Plus, I'm quite busy now, and I want to get back to my work."
"But this is a very noble cause. I have reason to believe he is in love with Princess Leia, Jabba's wife-to-be."
"How do you know that? He's frozen, he can't talk. He probably just owes you money."
A series of beeps emitted from somewhere behind 3PO, gradually getting louder until a small droid appeared.
"R2, I am not a liar. I merely said that..."
R2 roared with furious beeps. Even to Luke, who could not understand this droid, R2 seemed quite upset.
"Oh, alright. Have it your way. Plus, I'll take any chance to get back at Jabba. I have a defroster in the kitchen. It might work."

And so they loaded Han into the defroster and waited in hopes that he would soon come alive. He slowly started to unfreeze, but was very cold and quite out of it.

"Beep boop boop bleep blop bloop."
"Calm down R2 - I'll remind them! Keep him warm and don't let him go swimming for a while," 3PO said.

So Luke, Chewie, and Han left, slowly, but nonetheless, left towards Jabba's palace. Han, curious as to why these two, whom he had defeated not long ago, had brought him back to life, questioned them:

"Who are you? Why have you saved me? Where's Leia?"
"Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Leia is to marry Jabba in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, and make our escape...but I need you to help me find the man in black."
"That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying. I have no master plan, but I'll think of something when I get there. Oh, and did I tell you I met your man in black? He was with Boba Fett when I was captured."

So with Luke newly rejuvenated, the three of them continued on to Jabba's palace. Once they arrived, they were met firmly by two guards. Chewbacca easily knocked one of them out, but the other one, dressed in a black cape and a strange black helmet, was clearly Luke's territory. Han and Chewbacca entered the palace and left Luke to revenge his father by himself.

"Hello. My name is Luke Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

The fighting began. Lightsabers flashing in the night.

"Hello. My name is Luke Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"Stop saying that!" Vader screamed.
"Hello. My name is Luke Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"You idiot! No one killed your father! But if you continue, I assure you he will soon be dead."
"What do you mean?"
"Luke, my name is Vader Montoya. I am your father."

Needless to say, the fighting abrubtly stopped. The two, reunited, had much to discuss as to the stories of separation. Quite to his surprise, Luke also learned that Leia was his sister. Unable to see his sister wed to Jabba, Luke accompanied Vader into the palace to stop the ceremony. However, they were too late, because Leia had already done it. While Jabba was distracted by Han's arrival, Leia used the chains to which she was chained to Jabba to choke him to death.

All quite pleasant with life, Han and Leia returned to Mos Eisley and were married. Luke, overjoyed that he had his father back at last, lived many years with him, thriving on his stories of life in the palace. However, when Vader's death came due to a sickness, Luke was said to have become very lonely. He eventually married a beautiful princess by the name of Buttercup.

"As you wish", Star Wars style!

So, what did you think? I know I had to exclude a lot of lines and the plot was pretty twisted, but I think overall it was a successful combination of two of the greatest stories ever. Please feel free to add you comments on this story to my guestbook.

A friend e-mailed me some good Star Wars jokes, so if you want to see what a Redneck Jedi Warrior would do, check it out.

Buy these posters or choose from many others like it at AllPosters.com!

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Return to the "Original" TPB story