At 27 years of age, I would be "way too old to be trick-or-treating", but my little sister Laura (who just became old enough to legally drink alcohol in the U.S.) wanted someone to go trick-or-treating with her. By default, that would be me, but I figured, What the hell, I want some free candy too, dammit! If anyone gave me a hard time about my age, I would just say that I was trick-or-treating for my bedridden son, even though that was a lie.

A few minutes after I donned the mask, a blood-red bathrobe, and a pink & black afro, our lovely friend Veronica suddenly showed up to go trick-or-treating too. At this point, I could had just taken off the mask and stayed home as tradition would dictate for someone of my age and case, but I wasn't myself that night. There was just something about that mask that made me a whole different person. No matter how many times people had seen me with the mask, they would freeze up and shiver. Since the mask did not blink, it looked like it was leering at you, giving you a relentless stare. Even my own dogs were fooled at first. They immediately barked and growled at me, and the thought of a powerful, 70-pound dog attacking me was definitely swimming through my head! Fortunately, they got a sniff of my leg and realized that it was only me.

No one could possibly be prepared for us. I actually went out in a bathrobe with the Malkovich mask and pink-and-black afro with my chest hair showing! The afro alone was scary in a radical extremist/psychotic circus clown kind of way, but the robe and chest hair really made me look like some kind of sexual deviant. For all anyone knew, I could had been completely naked underneath that robe, like some kind of pervert out to rob children of their innocence. Meanwhile, my sister was going as a zombie/vampiress. The dark make-up on the face was supposed to make her look dead, but to me, it also made her look like a Hindu girl gone Gothic. To top it all off, Veronica dressed up in a beautiful, fairy-queen outfit to make us look even more abnormal by contrast.

When we went trick-or-treating, we didn't do it in my hometown of Pasadena, California. No, we had bigger fish to fry. Instead, we drove down to a very wealthy neighborhood right across the Huntington Library in San Marino and did our candy-collecting there. This actually turned out to be a good move. The houses over there were majestic, and all the hedges were meticulously maintained in fancy shapes. Even if the candy output did not turn out to be so great, at least the nightly stroll would be scenic. Luckily for us, this neighborhood was giving away some serious candy. Not just those itty bitty, bite-sized chocolate bars, but the 3-ounce variety. One of the residents even took our picture (it's posted at the top of the page) and mailed it to us.

Every other time when we went up to a house, I would tuck the flashlight under my mask and turn it on to make my eyes glow red. This certainly made a few kids flinch. Even some stoic-looking Asians would reel back from this. I would also do it to any passing motorists, though I couldn't really see their reaction. Actually, I couldn't see much of anything through those small eyeholes, and I had stumbled a few times here and there. After about an hour of wearing the mask, water began to condense from my nostrils and trickle out like snot. Also, Veronica was wearing slippers, and the hard sidewalks were getting to be murder on her feet. So we stopped and went home. After all these years, I had forgotten that trick-or-treating could be such a bitch!

Nevertheless, I enjoyed the outing. Next year, I'll remember to bring a seeing-eye dog and make sure that Veronica wears shoes instead of slippers. Oh yeah, next year, we just might try going through Hollywood or the Santa Monica pier to draw tons of attention to our costumes. San Marino was merely the beginning. ;)

What will happen to this fair maiden? Move your cursor on the picture and find out!

Move your cursor upon this picture to see what my sister looked like before she became a zombie!

What twisted face could be hiding behind that mask? See for yourself by moving the cursor on the picture, if you dare...