(The setting: The Jerry Springer Show. The people of Port Charles are about to appear on the popular TV show. Jerry comes out from the back, to the chants of "Jerry, Jerry")
Jerry: "Thank you, thank you very much. Boy, do we have a show for you today! Actually, it's a rather strange topic, most of you might be a little shocked by its content, but, as you know we just love to push the envelope!"
Crowd: "Jerry, Jerry..." (Jerry waves his hand to the crowd, silencing them)
Jerry: "Today's topic is, 'Speedo wearing superheroes and the people who hate them'. Please welcome our first guest, Robin Scorpio." (Crowd applauds) "Welcome to the show, Robin."
Robin: "Thanks Jerry."
Jerry: "Now, let's see if I have this right. You are a superhero in a city called Port Charles?"
Robin: "Yes."
Jerry: "But, you have a little problem, don't you?"
Robin: "Yes, I do."
Jerry: "Tell us about it."
Robin: "Well, it's my partner, Jaxman. I solve every case that comes our way, and he takes all the credit for it." (Crowd boos, Jerry holds his hand up, silencing them) "Anyway, I feel very underappreciated by him, especially since he doesn't even say my name right."
(Crowd boos and stands up)
Woman (yells from the crowd): "Yo, Robin, you need to kick that dog to the curb sister!"
(Crowd chants, 'Jerry, Jerry')
Jerry: "Wait, wait, before we kick him to the curb, why don't we give him a chance to explain. Jaxman, come on out!"
(Jaxman walks out to a round of boos and laughter. He begins to cry as he sits down. He is wearing his special Jerry Springer speedos. They are neon green with a fist on the front and a broken chair on the back)
Jerry: "Welcome to the show, Jaxman."
Jaxman: "Thanks dammit! Do you have any tissues? These people hurt my feelings dammit!"
Jerry (shakes his head): "Yes, we will get you some tissues. Now, did you hear what Robin said backstage?"
Jaxman: "Yes, and it is not true dammit! Row-bin is my friend, so she should not be jealous of me!"
Jerry: "I couldn't help but notice that you just called her 'Row-bin'..."
Jaxman: "That is her name, dammit!"
Jerry (shakes his head): "Okay..." (He pauses) "But, is she telling the truth? Are you not giving her credit for helping you?"
Jaxman: "I do not need to do that. I am Jaxman dammit!"
Jerry (scratches his head): "Well, I don't think we're going to get very far here...Why don't we bring out our next guest. He is Robin's kind of boyfriend, and Jaxman's enemy. He's a mobster by day, and well, a mobster by night. Please welcome Jason Morgan..."
(Crowd chants 'Jerry, Jerry')
Jaxman (angry): "You cannot bring him here. I hate that guy dammit!"
(Jason comes out wearing all black, and sits down in his chair. He stares straight ahead)
Jerry: "Welcome to the show, Jason..." (Jason doesn't respond) "Well, what do you think of this situation?"
(Jerry and the audience wait for Jason to answer but he says nothing. He still stares straight ahead, eyes cold. Jerry seems at a loss)
Jerry: "Um, okay. I guess you have no opinion on this issue. Let's talk about your job. Mobster, that sounds cool...."
(Again everyone waits for Jason to answer but he stares ahead, saying nothing)
Jerry (sarcastically): "Well, in this case, I guess the term 'talk show' is an oxymoron."
(Crowd laughs)
Jaxman: "That is right Jerry, he is a moron."
(Jaxman laughs, and Jason stands in front of him. He smacks Jaxman in the side of the head, and calmly sits back down. Jaxman starts to cry)
Jerry: "Wow, I think Jason has some anger issues that he needs to deal with."
(Jason glares and growls at Jerry, and he gets scared. He decides to change the topic)
Jerry: "Well, I see that Jaxman is going to need some more tissues, so we'll take a commercial break and come right back!"
(The music starts, and the crowd stands chanting 'Jerry, Jerry'. The scene ends)
**************************************
Jerry: "Welcome back! Now, before we bring out our next guests, a few people in the audience have some questions." (Jerry walks toward an audience member) "You have a question?"
Leia: "Yes. I want to ask how Jaxman handles the stress of being a superhero."
Jaxman: "Stress? I do not feel any stress! I am Jaxman dammit! Doer of good and conqueror of evil. Corporate raider by day, superhero by night! And I am great dammit!"
Jerry: "Um, okay...we have another question here?"
NEXISfan_1 - "Yes. Have you two ever had a sexual relationship?"
Robin (shocked): "You mean me and him?" (She motions toward Jaxman) "No way dammit! Not if he was the last person on earth." (She turns toward Jaxman) "No offense..."
Jaxman: "I think you just insulted me dammit!"
(He reaches for the tissue box, and Robin shakes her head)
Jerry: "We have one more question before we bring out our next guests."
HausmanGirl: "Jaxman, exactly how many pairs of speedos do you own and how many wedgies have you been given?"
Jaxman: "I am not able to count that high dammit! Why don't you ask Morgan, he is always giving me wedgies. And they are painful dammit!"
Robin: "Well, I'm not sure if this will help, but, he doesn't own any other clothes. Just speedos. So, he needs to own quite a few pairs. Not to mention all the ones that have been ruined..."
Woman in crowd (interrupting): "You only wear speedos? You better get your nasty ass some new clothes!"
(Crowd laughs and chants 'Jerry, Jerry'. Jaxman reaches for the tissue box)
Jerry (changing the topic): "Alright. Our next guests are from a regal family in Port Charles. Now, the son, Nikolas, loves Robin. And Robin loves him. But, she also loves Jason. Confusing? Well, let's bring out Nikolas and Stefan Cassadine!"
(Crowd hoots and hollers, "Jerry, Jerry." Nikolas walks over to Robin and kisses her hand. Jason takes exception and stands up. The crowd starts to get really excited, as Nikolas enters his Tai-chi stance)
Nikolas: "Back off Jason. After I finish my breathing exercises, I will beat you up using the fine art of Tai-chi."
Jason (angry): "Screw Tai-chi!"
(Jason picks up a chair and breaks it over Nikolas' head. A fight ensues as the security people break it up. The crowd is going crazy. Finally, Nik and Jason are settled down, sitting in their seats. The crowd chants 'Jerry, Jerry')
Jerry: "Well, that was a rather hostile situation. You know, I don't like to encourage violence on my show..." (He turns to the camera and winks) "Anyway, Stefan, I understand you had Jaxman over at your house for dinner?"
Stefan: "Yes, we dined on many splendid delicacies."
Jaxman: "You made me eat brains dammit!" (Stefan shakes his head)
Jerry: "Stefan, you talk funny." (The crowd laughs and chants 'Jerry, Jerry')
Stefan: "I speak, especially of you, using quite obtuse references..."
Jerry (confused): "Sure, whatever you say."
Stefan: "I do not quite understand the objective of the 'talk show' as you call it. Why do individuals materialize on such exhibitions and divulge their innermost predicaments?"
Jerry (totally lost): "Um, okay! I think we have another question..."
Shannyn: "Stefan, I want to know what you'll do if you ever lose your thesaurus."
Stefan: "Thesaurus? Is that an Americanism? I do not know of any such apparatus. But, be assured that I will explore the lineage and functions of that contraption."
(Jerry and the crowd look at each other confused, as Jerry looks for some direction. Luckily, he hears something in his earpiece)
Jerry: "What? I have just been informed that all of our guests today will receive a special gift, courtesy of actress Vanessa Marcil. Every guest will receive a new camera tripod!"
Jaxman (scared): "Oh no dammit! Precious Brender no!"
Jerry (confused): "What the hell is he talking about?"
Robin: "Well, he was in love with my friend, Brenda, but she died. He has been depressed ever since. She used to beat him senseless with a camera tripod, because she sort of went crazy for a while."
Jaxman: "I still have the marks dammit! Oh precious Brender, I miss you dammit! I am so dee-pressed..."
Jerry: "I think it's time we take another break. We'll be right back!"
(The music starts and the crowd chants, 'Jerry, Jerry.' The scene ends)
***********************************************
Jerry: "Welcome back! Now earlier, Robin mentioned the woman Jaxman loved, Brenda. Well, our next guest is the man Brenda loved. Please welcome Sonny Corinthos!"
Jaxman (angry): "You cannot do this! Corinthos cannot be here! I hate that guy dammit!"
(Sonny walks on the stage and kisses Robin. He turns to Jaxman and fakes punching him, then laughs. Jaxman gets angry. He takes his seat beside Jason, patting him on the back)
Jerry: "Welcome to the show, Sonny."
Sonny (long pause): "Um, you know, thanks..."
Jerry: "So, I understand that you loved Brenda."
Sonny: "Yes...I did. And, she, you know...loved me too."
Jaxman: "No she did not dammit! Precious Brender loved me!"
Jerry: "Now Sonny, Jaxman told me during the break that Brenda was still alive, and with you. Is that true?"
Sonny (laughs and shakes his head): "No. He's, you know..." (long pause) "convinced that my new girlfriend is....Brenda."
Jaxman: "She is not your girlfriend dammit! She is my precious Brender, and you have brainwashed her to bee-leeve that she is someone called Hanner. You will not get away with this dammit!"
(Sonny puts his head down and laughs, but is slowly losing his patience with Jaxman)
Jerry: "Well, why don't we let the audience decide. Please welcome Hannah to the show..."
(Hannah walks out and kisses Sonny, then sits beside him. Sonny smiles in victory, and Jaxman pouts)
Jerry: "Hi Hannah. Welcome to the show."
Hannah: "Thanks."
Jerry: "You see that you're caught in the middle here..."
Hannah: "Well, I don't know what this fight is all about. My name is Hannah Scott, and I'm from San Diego. You can even ask my parents." (She pauses) "Wait, I'm not sure if I have any..."
Jerry (sarcastically): "Okay! So, she says she's not Brenda, so why don't you just accept that, Jaxman?"
Jaxman: "She is my precious Brender! She has been brainwashed dammit!"
Jerry (to Jaxman): "I understand you have something for her..."
Jaxman: "Yes dammit!" (Jaxman stands up and hands Hannah a box. She takes it reluctantly) "These are your Nancy Drew books. I know you love those dammit!"
Hannah (turns to Sonny): "Nancy Drew? Was Brenda, like, five or something?"
(Sonny shakes his head. Suddenly the crowd erupts, as the guests look around to see what caused such an uproar. They turn to see a 'she-male' parading around in a skimpy outfit. 'It' walks on stage)
She-male (with effeminate voice): "Hi Jerry..."
Jerry (confused): "Hi..."
She-male (turns to Jaxman): "He's cute." ('It' walks up and touches Jaxman's leg)
Jaxman (scared): "What is that dammit? I am so afraid, I think I just peed in my speedos!"
(Suddenly, Chloe appears on the stage)
Chloe: "Here Jaxman, I designed these speedos just for you. Why don't you go change?"
Jaxman: "Thanks dammit!"
(Jaxman leaves and Chloe sits down)
Jerry: "I've just received word..." (he turns to the she-male) "Candy?"
She-male (trying to sound sexy): "Yes?"
Jerry: "You're at the wrong taping. Your show is on tomorrow!"
She-male: "It is?"
Jerry: "Yes. Bisexual transvestites who sleep with their sibling's kids, that tapes tomorrow."
She-male: "Oh, sorry!" (smiling) "Bye Jerry!" (It exits)
Jerry: "Well, I think this is the time for another commercial. Stay tuned for more!"
(The crowd chants 'Jerry, Jerry' and the scene ends)
******************************************
Jerry: "Welcome back! And welcome back Jaxman, I see you've changed..."
Jaxman: "Yes dammit! That person scared me!"
(He is wearing grey speedos with a white hopscotch pattern on the front)
Jerry: "I guess this would be the time to introduce Chloe to the show..."
Chloe: "Thanks Jerry. I actually brought something for Jaxman..."
Jaxman: "A present for me? I am so excited dammit!"
Chloe (stands up and gives Jaxman a garbage bag): "Here. Here are all the shoes I own that need repairing."
Jaxman: "No problem. I am Jaxman dammit! I can fix any shoe, big or small!"
Jerry (to Jaxman): "Now, I understand Chloe is your friend..."
Jaxman: "Yes dammit! We play hopscotch together, which is almost as fun as playing pat-a-cake with Row-bin!"
Jerry: "Now Chloe, are you related to Jason here? I can't help but notice that you share the same last name..."
Jaxman (surprised): "What? I did not know this! You are a Morgan too? I hate that name dammit!"
Chloe (shakes her head): "We're very distant cousins..."
Jerry: "Wait, I see someone in the audience who looks like they're dying to ask a question..." (Jerry walks over to them and hands them the mike) "Hi, you have a question?"
V: "Yes! Actually, it's more of a comment. I have a bone to pick with Barbie Morgan!"
Chloe (offended): "Why V? Why so angry? I fixed you up with Simon, didn't I? And he is ever so delightful."
V: "You stole my job dammit! And my story, and, well, everything. I will NEVER forgive you! And if I wasn't a former cop, I'd kick your butt right here, right now!"
(Crowd stands and chants 'Jerry, Jerry')
Jerry: "I don't think we'd want that. Look at her, V. I think you'd break her."
(V sits down, still breathing fire. Chloe starts to cry, and Jaxman hands her the tissue box. She thanks him for the gesture. Suddenly, a group of loud voices can be heard coming closer to the stage. Jerry looks around in confusion)
Jerry: "I don't know what's going on back there..."
(The Quartermaines appear, fighting and bickering)
Edward: "Well, if this show is good enough for that, that hoodlum, then it's good enough for us!"
Ned: "Grandfather, we weren't invited." (Ned turns to Jerry) "I'm sorry about this, Jerry."
Jerry (annoyed): "Who are you people?"
Edward: "We're the Quartermaines! And where have you been that you don't know us?"
Robin: "This is Jason's family..."
Jerry: "Well, now I understand why he doesn't talk, and why he's so angry."
Monica: "I think I'll have to kick Edward out of the house for this, ruining Jason's day."
Edward: "In your dreams, Monica! You will not kick me out of my own house!"
Monica: "It's my house!"
Alan: "I gave it to you!"
Emily (flustered): "AJ, aren't you going to do anything?"
AJ (answers in a monotone): "I-agree-with-grandfather." (Emily shakes her head)
Jerry (sarcastically): "Listen, this has been fun, but can someone get these people out of here?"
(Jerry's security guards usher the Q's off the stage, as they continue bickering. The crowd chants 'Jerry, Jerry')
Jerry: "Okay, I think it's time for another commercial. These people are wearing me out, dammit!"
(The crowd chants as they go to commercial. The scene ends)
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