Jerry: "Welcome back to the show! In case you've just joined us, we're talking to the people of Port Charles, and specifically Jaxman, who is a speedo-wearing superhero. We have just found out about Jason's family, Robin's love life..." (He shakes his head) "If you're just tuning in, you might as well tune out. I couldn't explain this even if I tried!"
(The crowd laughs, and chants 'Jerry, Jerry')
Jerry: "Alright! We have another guest, one that sort of got lost in the shuffle. Maybe he should have been on from the start, since he probably knows Jaxman better than anyone. Please welcome Jaxman's brother, Jerry Jacks!"
(Jerry Jacks walks out on the stage and sits down)
Jerry: "Welcome to the show, Jerry!"
Jerry Jacks: "Thanks, I'm happy to be here."
Jerry: "Now, I'm sure you were listening backstage..."
Jerry Jacks: "Yes, and I think some people were a little hard on my little brotha. He can't help what he says and does. I love him, but at the same time I am quite embarrassed by him."
Jerry: "Maybe you can provide some insights on why he is like his is, glimpses into his childhood, perhaps..."
Jerry Jacks: "I would like that. But..." (He pauses and motions toward Jaxman) "I don't think he should be here for this."
Jerry: "Okay then, we need to come up with a quick way to get Jaxman off the stage."
(Sonny and Jason smile at each other, as Jaxman starts to get scared)
Jason: "You want to do the honors?"
Sonny (laughs): "No, you know...you've..." (long pause) "earned it. Have fun..."
(Jason stands up and walks toward Jaxman. He stands behind his chair and lifts him up from his speedos. Jaxman yells in pain and runs off the stage. Jason smiles and sits back down, as Chloe follows Jaxman out. The crowd goes crazy)
Jerry: "Now where were we? Oh yes, Jaxman's childhood. Now, where did the speedo fetish start?"
Jerry Jacks: "Back in Australia, we had these things called 'under-roos'. Did you have them here?"
Jerry: "Yes, I think we did."
Jerry Jacks: "Well, when we were kids, my dad bought Jaxman a pair of Crocodile Dundee under-roos. And, well, he wore them everyday, wouldn't take them off. Wore them to school, bed, on vacation, until he flat wore them out. My dad bought him new ones. I told him not to, because he was enabling Jaxman's addiction, but, he didn't listen. Ever since he got those under-roos, he hasn't worn pants. Not once."
Jerry: "So, you're saying that he's addicted to speedos?"
Jerry Jacks: "I believe so."
Jerry: "Interesting." (He pauses) "And what about the 'dammit' fetish?"
Jerry Jacks: "I have no idea where that came from. I have tried many times to understand that."
Jerry: "Well, we have a noted psychiatrist here that might be able to explain it." (Jerry walks to the front of the audience) "This is Doctor Kevin Collins. Welcome to the show, Doctor."
Kevin: "Thanks, although I'm not sure if I'm still a Doctor or not. Last time I checked, I lost my licence, but now I'm treating Julie..." (He stops) "Anyway, it's good to be here. And please, call me 'Doc'."
Jerry: "Okay, Doc, do you have some idea why Jaxman always says dammit?"
Kevin: "I believe the constant use of the term 'dammit' might stem from some unresolved anger from Jaxman's childhood, maybe some repressed memories. Either that, or he's just an idiot..."
(The crowd laughs and chants 'Jerry, Jerry')
Jerry: "Thanks Doc. Well, I see that Jaxman is returning to the stage now..."
Chloe (interrupting): "Wearing another Chloe original..."
Jerry: "Thanks for pointing that out..." (pauses) "Welcome back Jaxman."
Jaxman: "Thanks dammit!"
(Jaxman is wearing a red speedo with a yellow broken shoe on the front)
Jerry: "Now Jerry, what is your relationship with Jaxman like?"
Jerry Jacks: "It's pretty good, but he gets mad at me sometimes."
Jerry: "Why? Because you're known as sort of an international playboy?"
Jerry Jacks: "That is part of it, yes. He got really mad when he found out I dated Olivia Newton John, although now my heart belongs to Bo-bee."
(Jerry Jacks smiles at Bobbie in the audience, and she smiles back. She mouths the words 'green room' to him, and he smiles in anticipation)
Jaxman (angry): "You kept Olivia Newton John a secret dammit! And you know I love her!"
Jerry (confused): "I thought you loved Brenda..."
Jerry Jacks: "Now, let's not get carried away little brotha..."
Jaxman (standing up): "You have made me angry dammit!"
(Jerry Jacks stands to face him, and the crowd starts going crazy, anticipating a fight. Jaxman starts to girlie-slap him, and the crowd erupts in laughter. He grabs Jaxman by the wrists)
Jerry Jacks (threatening): "You better stop now if you know what's good for you..."
Jaxman (sits down): "Fine dammit!"
Jerry: "Well, that was interesting..." (Pause) "We have another question from an audience member..."
MistyRose: "Hi. I want to know, what do Sonny and Jason do to release the incredible sexual tension that they have toward the other?"
Sonny: "Sexual tension? There's no..." (long pause) "sexual tension." (Sonny turns to Jason and they gaze intensely into each others eyes) "But, if I do feel any sexual tension, I just smash stuff."
(Sonny turns to Jason, giving him the okay to answer the question)
Jason: "And I hit stuff, or people. And I hit them hard..." (The crowd grows silent for a minute)
Jerry (clearly afraid of Jason's temper, and trying to be enthusiastic): "Okay! After the break, we are going to meet, well, someone special to Jaxman. We'll be right back!"
(The crowd stands and applauds, and the scene ends)
*******************************
Jerry: "Welcome back to the show! Now before the commercial, I said we had a very special guest. With all this talk about Brenda and Olivia Newton John, would you believe that Jaxman is married?"
(The crowd starts cheering, and chanting 'Jerry, Jerry')
Jerry: "And here's his wife. Please welcome Alexis to the show!"
(Alexis comes on stage and sits down)
Jerry: "Welcome Alexis."
Alexis: "Thanks."
Jerry: "Well, I guess the question on everyone's mind is, are you crazy? Why did you marry this guy?"
Alexis: "Believe me, I've asked myself the same question. It doesn't make much sense to me, considering I love Ned..."
Jerry (confused): "Ned?"
Alexis: "Chloe's husband."
Jerry: "Chloe's husband? But, isn't she friends with Jaxman?"
Alexis: "Who still loves his precious Brenda, yes."
(Jerry looks to the crowd, confused. They start chanting 'Jerry, Jerry')
Jerry: "Then, I ask again, why are you married to him?"
Jaxman (interrupting): "Let me answer that dammit! I married Alexer so that Ned could marry Chloe so that Chloe could save her company! Do you not understand anything? Geez..."
Jerry: "Well, I guess I do. But, if Alexis loves Ned and you wanted to help Chloe, why didn't Alexis marry Ned and you marry Chloe?"
Jaxman (confused, thinking for a minute): "Well, I guess that could have worked...But my way is better dammit!"
Jerry: "Whatever..." (He turns to the audience) "We have another question..."
GraveDigger: "Yo, Jaxman, have you ever had the urge to, oh say, wear pants? And what's the best thing to do when attacked by a tripod wielding psycho model?"
Jaxman: "Pants are overrated dammit! I am able to move more freely in my speedos, especially if I feel like going for a swim. And speedos are the best dammit! As for your other question, if that model is my precious Brender, please tell her that I am waiting for her to come back to me dammit! But, I would say if you are attacked by a tripod-wielding psycho model, curl up on the floor in the fetal position and repeat, 'Ow, you cannot do this to me dammit! I love you precious Brender, please stop. Ow dammit!' That worked for me."
Jerry: "Sure..."
(The show continues on as a secret camera records in the greenroom)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In the greenroom, Lulu and Michael are watching the monitor while playing. The camera pans on Jason)
Michael (excited): "Da da!"
(The camera then shows Luke in the audience)
Lulu (excited): "Da da!"
(The camera pans to AJ, who snuck into the audience when the Q's were kicked out)
Michael (excited): "Da da!"
(The camera pans to Stefan, sitting on the stage)
Lulu (excited): "Da da!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Back on the stage...)
Jerry: "Now, I understand that we have a couple of adorable kids playing in the green room. Why don't we get a camera on them?"
(The camera shows Michael and Lulu playing, when suddenly Tony appears)
Michael (scared): "Da da?"
Jerry: "Who is that bald, psycho-looking guy?"
Carly (stands up from in the audience): "Jase! Do something! You don't care about us at all, do you? Jase, please protect him! What is your problem? Help him!"
(Carly cries hysterically, as the people in the row in front of her deploy their umbrellas)
Jason (annoyed): "Are you finished?"
Carly (crying): "If you say I am, Jase, then I am. I'm sorry, please come back. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry..."
Jason (shakes his head): "It's taken care of, trust me..."
(The camera pans back to the green room. Just as Tony goes to pick up Michael, Mrs. Landsbury comes out of nowhere and starts hitting him with her purse. As he turns to face her, Leticia comes from behind and hits him over the head with a chair, knocking him out. Reginald appears from his hiding spot)
Reginald: "That was great, Leticia!"
Leticia: "Well, working for Mr. Morgan has taught me a lot..." (pauses) "including the importance of disposing of a body. What are we going to do now?"
Reginald: "I know exactly where to take him. Help me out."
(The three of them lift Tony's lifeless body)
Leticia: "Where are we taking him?"
Reginald: "Have you ever been to Oyster Bay?"
(He smiles and laughs wickedly as they carry Tony's body out of camera range)
Jerry: "On that note, I think we should take another commercial. After the break, more audience questions!"
(Crowd stands and applauds, chanting 'Jerry, Jerry'. The scene ends)
********************************************
Jerry: "Welcome back! We have some more audience questions..."
snowchick: "I have 2 questions for Jaxman. How many times were you dropped on your head as a child? And how many times did Brender hit you with the tripod?"
Jaxman (offended): "I do not bee-leeve that I was ever dropped on my head dammit!"
Jerry Jacks (interrupting): "Actually, it happened a few times. Sorry little brotha, but I was just a little kid, and you were heavy!"
Jaxman (angry): "Dammit!" (He pauses for a minute) "How many times did Brender hit me with the tripod? I do not know dammit! I just know that the Doctor said I have 65 assorted scars on my body..."
Jerry (sarcastically): "And we can see all of them, can't we?" (The crowd starts laughing)
Jaxman: "I think you just made fun of me dammit!" (He reaches for the tissue box)
Jerry (shakes his head): "We have another question..."
anne56: "I'd like to ask Robin what she'd like to club Jaxman with if a tripod wasn't available?"
Robin: "Hmm, tough question. Well, I don't know if I'd hit him with anything. I'd just hang him by his speedos from a hook." (All the men in the audience gasp and wince) "Or, I guess I could beat him senseless with the Nancy Drew collection..."
Jaxman (sad): "Row-bin, you are being very mean dammit!"
Robin: "Whatever." (She leans over, picking up the tissues) "Now here's your damn tissue box."
(The crowd laughs and chants, 'Jerry, Jerry')
Hannah (walks toward Robin): "Here." (she hands her the box Jaxman gave her earlier)
"Here are the Nancy Drew books. Use them when necessary..."
Robin: "Thanks!"
Jerry: "We have another question..."
anne56: "I'd like to ask Stefan when he finally realized that he had to use words of one syllable - and less than four letters - in order for Jaxman to understand him. And how hard was that, exactly, for Stefan to actually accomplish?"
Stefan: "I was not aware that I had to do so in order for Mr. Jaxman to comprehend my utterances. I am afraid that I am versed in very scant numbers of this genre of phrase. I speak most habitually in idioms that Mr. Jaxman and others in Port Charles are inept to ascertain."
Jerry (confused): "Um, well, I HOPE that answered your question..." (Pause) "You have one last comment?"
anne56: "Yes. I'd like to ask Stefan out on a date..."
(The crowd gets rowdy and starts chanting, 'Jerry, Jerry')
Stefan: "I am most flattered by your request, but currently I am engrossed with my portrait, Lasha. I ask pardon."
Jerry: "Well, I think he said 'no', but I can't be sure..." (Pause) "We have another question..."
DeeAnn: "Jason, when are you going to stop denying your feelings and admit your love for Sonny?"
(Jason looks to Sonny, who nods, giving Jason permission to answer)
Jason (sniffs): "Ah, well, I love Sonny. He's my, my father. But, I'm not his type. The blond hair and blue eyes pretty much blew my chances..." (Rubs his chin)
Sonny (looks at him): "Jason, I had no idea..."
(They gaze at each other, and the crowd goes wild)
Jerry (changing the subject): "We have time for a few more questions..."
Zoe: "Jaxman, in the greatest triangle of HISTORY who did you prefer, Spock & Kirk or Spock & Dr. McCoy?"
Jaxman: "What are you talking about dammit? The best triangle ever is Kylie Minogue, Paul Hogan, and Olivia Newton John. They are awesome dammit!"
Zoe: "And other question for Jaxman, do you enjoy giving yourself a wedgie?"
Jaxman: "Are you crazy? Those hurt dammit! But, ever since my precious Brender died, they sometimes make me feel better, do you know what I mean?"
Jerry (cringing): "I'm afraid so..." (Pause) "Now, Zoe asked me to ask you this Jaxman, and we demand an answer!"
Jaxman (nervous, praying that they don't ask about the stains on his precious Brender speedos):
"Uh oh dammit..."
Jerry: "What do you say about the Star Magazine report about you being HUGE fan of Rick 'SuperFreak' James?"
Jaxman (confused): "Huh? Who is that guy dammit?"
Jerry Jacks (turns to Jaxman): "Rememba, he sang one of your favorite songs..."
Jaxman: "Oh yeah dammit! That song 'Superfreak' is O-some dammit! It feels like he is singing just for me..." (Jaxman smiles, then gets serious) "But, I do not like him anymore since I found out he is NOT from Australia..."
Jerry: "Okay, I see we have time for just one more question..."
Ashlyn: "Sonny, what EXACTLY does your um, ya know..Organization..um, ya know..do if it's not drugs or prostitution?"
Sonny (flashing his dimples): "Wouldn't you like to know..." (long pause, getting serious) "Like, you know, it's like I told..." (pause) "everyone...we, you know, sell coffee..." (Sonny stares at her for a minute, realizing that she has brown hair and brown eyes) "Maybe we can, you know, discuss the coffee business..." (pause) "over a cup of coffee..."
Jaxman: "No way dammit! You cannot steal my precious Brender from me again!"
Jerry (confused): "I thought that you said Hannah was your precious Brender!"
Jaxman: "She is dammit! But, so could this girl be!"
(Jerry shakes his head, as Sonny zones out. All this talk about Brenda has put him in a trance. Before him, he sees the ghost of Lily and the ghost of Brenda. They are arguing about Hannah)
Lily: "No, she's a clone of me!"
Brenda: "Like hell she is! Look at her! She is so clearly a clone of me!"
Lily: "You think? Look at her eyes. They are so much like mine..."
Brenda: "What are you, blind? Her eyes are the same as mine!"
Lily: "And what about her lips? You HAVE to concede that they're the same as mine..."
Brenda: "Okay, I'll give you that. But, what about those breasts? No offense Lily, but they are so clearly similar to mine..."
Lily: "I'm telling you, she reminds him of me!"
Brenda: "No way! She reminds him of me!"
(The ghosts start fighting, as Sonny finally reaches his breaking point. He breaks out of his trance and stands up on the stage. He starts smashing all the furniture as the guests run for shelter. After a few minutes, the stage is demolished, and the crowd starts chanting, 'Sonny, Sonny'. Sonny walks over to Jaxman, and takes off his shoe. He smashes it into the side of Jaxman's head, breaking the heel. Sonny picks up the shoe, and the broken heel)
Sonny (angry): "You say you can fix shoes? Huh? Well, fix this!"
(Sonny throws the shoe and heel at Jaxman, as the crowd continues chanting 'Sonny, Sonny'. Taggert jumps out of the audience)
Taggert (smug): "Finally, I got something on you, Corinthos..." (The crowd boos)
Sonny: "What is your problem, detective? I was just, you know..." (pause) "redecorating..."
Taggert (angry): "It's lieutenant! And you're under arrest!"
(Taggert escorts Sonny off the stage, and Jason stands and follows silently. Hannah chases them)
Hannah: "Sonny! I'm coming with you!"
Sonny (shouting): "Stay away!"
Hannah: "Okay..." (pause) "Sonny, I'm coming with you!" (Hannah exits)
Jerry (throws his hands up in defeat): "I'll be back with my Final Thought, right after this."
(The crowd stands and applauds, and the scene ends)
******************************************
Jerry (sitting on his stool): "We're back with a final thought...First, I'd like to thank all our guests today, and I wish you the best of luck in your future plans." (Pause) "You know, I have no idea what I'm supposed to say here, I think tonight we strayed a little from the topic. But, we did get to see why people hate Jaxman. Hell, I've only known him for about an hour, and I hate him! But, there are so many different dynamics going on here. I can't begin to cover it all in this little time. So, what I'll do is offer a word of advice to each of our guests here, and hope they listen to it."
"First, Robin. I think you should become an independent. You know, solve crimes by yourself. And, I think you should choose Nikolas. That Jason scares me just a little..."
"Now, for Sonny. What I'd say to him is just 3 simple words: date-a-blond. Oh, and I think Jason should be that blond. You guys have amazing chemistry."
"As for Jason, I'd like to see him express himself more, you know, emote. And maybe speaking might help. Oh, and a LOT of anger management classes."
"Nikolas, not much to say here. Go for it with Robin, and forget the Tai-chi. You need to learn some WWF style moves if you want to take Jason on."
"Stefan, well, I'd say something, but I didn't really understand anything you said. Therefore, I don't feel qualified to give any advice. Sorry."
"Hannah, when you see Jaxman? Run away! Fast."
"Jerry, all I can say is, sorry man. Despite who your brother is, you still seem like a cool guy."
"Chloe, I think you should start charging Jaxman for the speedos you make for him. You'd be a millionaire by the end of the year, from what I've seen."
"Alexis, two words: marry Ned."
"Candy, we'll see you tomorrow." (He smiles and winks into the camera)
"And finally, thanks to actress Vanessa Marcil for the camera tripods. I have a feeling that they will get a lot of use from our guests today. My only question is, how did you know?"
"Till next time, take care of yourself, and each other. Goodnight."
(The music starts and the crowd stands and cheers, chanting 'Jerry, Jerry'. The scene ends)
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