(Scene 1- the setting: Cassadine Island. 17 people have been dropped off in the middle of the ocean, with only one bag of valuables each. Their mission? To survive Cassadine Island and collect their prize. The reward is two-fold: One, the winner will be guaranteed to leave Port Charles with their character (and dignity) intact, whenever the time comes. Two, they will be guaranteed that their character will not be recast. Very high stakes indeed. We now join our contestants as they come to shore)
Host: "I'm curious as to what each of you brought with you here."
Robin: "Well, I brought my Bible, some family photos, and of course, 20 baby blue t-shirts."
Jaxman: "That was dumb dammit!"
Robin: "Why, what did you bring?"
Jaxman: "My whole speedo collection dammit! With my precious Brender here, this is my chance to impress her dammit!"
Hannah: "For the last time, I am NOT your precious Brender! Geez ..." (Shakes her head) "Anyway, I brought my F.B.I. badge, and this book of nicknames for me. I got it from some people from PCO. I don't know where that is, but..."
Jaxman: "I bee-leeve that is in Australia dammit!"
Hannah: "Whatever." (Turns to Juan) "What did you bring?"
Juan: "Well..." (Looks through his bag) "I have my bracelets, this slip of paper with my girlfriend's name on it, and ... a-ha!" (Smiles widely) "My microphone."
Lucky (rolls his eyes): "Is it too early to vote myself off this island?"
Emily: "Well, what do you have?"
Lucky: "Let me see ..." (looks in his bag) "Whoa! There's a tall, skinny guy in here, and he says he has my personality."
Nik (looks in his bag): "That's funny ... I have some guy in my bag too. He says he has my face, and my real clothes."
Liz: "Well, I have my apron from Kelly's, and my paints."
Emily: "And I have my dope ... uh, I mean, my skipping rope. Yeah, that's it. Skipping rope."
Nik (looking around): "Hey, where's Ned and Alexis?"
Chloe: "They went over there." (Points to the bushes, and everyone nods knowingly) "They brought some leather stuff and some other interesting-looking whip-like mechanisms. I wonder why they brought those things?"
(Everyone looks at Chloe strangely, but she doesn't really notice)
Chloe: "Doesn't anyone want to know what I have?"
Jaxman (excited): "Yes dammit!"
Chloe: "Shoes!" (Laughs) "Isn't that quaint?"
Sonny (shakes his head and turns to Jason): "Did you bring the gun?" (Jason nods) "Good."
Helena: "Well, well Mr. Jaxman. Look what I have here ... (she opens her bag, and winks at him) "Handcuffs."
Taggert: "That's my kind of treasure Mrs. Cassadine. I might want to borrow those a little later." (He winks at Robin, who looks at him, mouth wide open) "Besides, handcuffs go well with what I brought...(looks in his bag) "my lieutenant's badge, my lieutenant's certificate..."
AJ (interrupting): "Geez, didn't you guys bring anything practical? Like vodka, or my backbone..."
Host: "I think that's enough for now. I'm going to leave you now, and remember, you must survive on your own with no help. Building shelter, finding food, and so on."
Nik (worried): "Wait! Mrs. Landsbury isn't here!"
Lucky: "I think we can manage some fish Nikolas." (Looks around) "Anyone know how to fish?"
(Everyone looks at each other, the culture shock setting in)
Lucky (shakes his head): "Let me see, my dad taught me how to fish before my hair turned blond. Now if I could only remember ..." (thinking hard) "Ah, yes. It's coming back to me now. But I need a fishing rod. Did anyone bring one?"
(Again everyone looks at each other)
V: "Geez, you people are pathetic! It's like you've never taken care of yourselves before!"
(Everyone looks at each other again)
V (shakes her head): "I guess that means no one can cook either."
Hannah (excitedly): "I can make dessert!"
V (waits for someone else to answer, then rolls her eyes): "I guess I'm cooking then, but we still need someone to catch the fish."
(Everyone looks at each other, waiting for someone to take the initiative. Finally, Sonny whispers something to Jason. Jason nods, stands up, opens his bag, and pulls out a gun. He fires a round into the ocean, then sits back down. Everyone looks at each other with fear)
Taggert (smugly): "Well, well Mr. Morgan. Is that firearm registered?"
(Jason looks straight ahead, saying nothing)
Sonny: "Why don't you, you know (long pause) look it up in the ........ computer?" (Sonny laughs, and Taggert sits down, clearly annoyed)
Taggert: "This isn't over yet, Corinthos."
(Some time has passed and the bullet-ridden fish begin to wash up on shore)
Liz (excited): "Food! I was so worried that we'd starve to death with no food!"
Lucky: "I care about you, Liz ..."
Liz (confused): "Huh?"
Lucky (looks at Helena, who smiles at him): "Um, I mean, we've only been here a little while. We're in no danger of starving."
Liz: "Whatever..."
Juan: "Hey! Does anyone want to hear me sing?"
Everyone shouts in unison: "NO!!!"
Juan (turns to Emily): "What about you, girlfriend?"
Emily: "I'd love to hear you sing, boyfriend."
Juan: "This one's for you, girlfriend. I wrote it myself. It's called, "My Girlfriend."
Emily (excited): "What a great title!"
(Juan takes out his microphone and is just about to sing when V interrupts)
V: "We're going to be here a while, anyone want to help me build a shelter?"
Everyone: "ME!!!" (They all run from the scene, leaving Juan singing to Emily)
******************************************************
Last week, on "Survivor"...
Host: A few of the castaways were getting on everyone's nerves.
Sonny: "You know, I don't know why I ... you know, decided to fund his (long pause) singing career."
Jason: "He sucks."
Sonny (turns to Jason): "Nicely put." (Sonny smiles, and Jason nods his head)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In a separate conversation)
Lucky: "That loser has no talent."
Nik: "Even though I'm not supposed to say anything about it, I agree. But don't tell Ned I said so. I don't want to get fired."
Lucky: "You love Elizabeth, you should go for her."
Nik (confused): "Where did that come from? I thought we were talking about Juan."
Lucky (looks over at Helena, then back to Nik): "Oh, sorry. You love Juan, you should go for him."
(Lucky looks over at Helena again as she shakes her head)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(At another part of the island)
V: "Shoes? I can't believe she brought shoes! How about bringing something useful?"
Hannah: "I agree. I brought something really good. This "Gourmet Dessert" cookbook."
(V shakes her head)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Host: And later, at Port Charles council, the voting went as follows:
-Liz and Hannah received 1 vote each
-Chloe received 11 votes
-And Juan received 17 votes
Host: "I'm sorry Juan, the dysfunctionals have spoken. You must leave the island immediately."
Lucky (under his breath): "Thank heaven."
Juan (angry): "This is a dee-grace! I don't agr-ee with your dee-cision!"
Host: "I'm sorry Juan, but you have to leave now."
Juan (turns to Emily): "You voted for me, didn't you girlfriend?"
Emily (offended): "Of course not!"
Juan: "Oh yeah? Then who did you vote for?"
Emily (looks around at the others): "Uh, I voted for ... her!" (She points at Hannah)
Hannah (offended): "That's it! You don't get any Tiramisu." (Emily shakes her head)
Host: "The rest of you can make your way back to camp."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today, on "Survivor"...
(Nikolas, Lucky, Liz and Emily discuss the previous day's events)
Emily: "I can't believe my boyfriend got voted off the island. Even though he cheats on me all the time, I still care about him."
Liz (consoling): "It's okay Em, believe me, I know how you feel."
Lucky: "You should go for Nikolas, Liz. But, Helena wants him to go for Juan ... at least that's what I think she planted in my head." (Flustered) "I'm just so confused."
Nik (looks at everyone): "Okay, I think it's better that you just don't talk at all Lucky."
Liz: "We need to change the subject .... PLEASE!"
Nik (excited): "I have a good topic! Guess what I did?"
Emily: "What?"
Nik: "No, you have to guess what I did!"
Lucky: "I thought you were supposed to be a prince or something. What's with the childish guessing games?"
Nik (upset): "I have a question for you too, bro. How come you don't say 'man' anymore? Think about THAT while I try to find my khaki pants and yellow shirt."
(Nik gets up and leaves, leaving Lucky confused by his question)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Meanwhile, Jaxman talks with some of the other castaways)
Jaxman: "I cannot bee-leeve that Juan got voted off the island. This is so sad dammit!"
Jason: "His singing sucks."
Hannah: "You know Jason, you've said more today than in all the time I've known you."
(Jason glares at her, and Hannah gets worried)
Sonny (pats him on the shoulder): "Calm down ... Jason."
Jaxman: "I am getting dee-pressed dammit! Juan was my friend." (Jaxman starts crying)
Robin (handing him a tissue): "Good thing I remembered these." (She holds up her tissue box) "Jaxman will go through them in a week. Besides, they serve another important purpose..."
Jaxman: "What does that mean, dammit?"
Sonny (shakes his head): "You're clueless, speedo boy. Besides ... (long pause) you don't have any, you know ... friends."
Jaxman: "Yes I do dammit! I have Juan, Stefan, Chlo-ee, my precious Brender," (he smiles at Hannah, who shakes her head) "and Alexer." (He looks around) "Where is Alexer, anyway? I have not seen her since she got here dammit!"
Sonny: "I guess you're, you know (deep sigh) clueless about that too, speedo boy." (Smirks) "Not that I'm surprised..."
Jaxman: "What does he mean, Row-bin?"
Robin: "He's making fun of you. Do I have to explain everything?"
Jaxman: "I am getting dee-pressed dammit!" (Robin shakes her head and hands him the tissue box)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Later in the day)
V: "Now, I think we're getting somewhere with this shelter. We just need a few more large leaves, and some more bamboo. Can someone go find some?"
Helena: "I think I saw that incessant air head go toward the woods."
AJ: "But the speedo freak is right beside me!"
Sonny: "I never thought I'd say this, but, you know, good one, boozer."
AJ: "Thanks! Anyone want a drink?"
Everyone: "No!"
AJ: "Fine, then do any of the women here want to sleep with me?"
(All the women look at him, offended, and he picks up on it)
AJ: "Geez, no one wants to get drunk with, or sleep with me. Why the hell am I here?"
(Everyone shakes their heads. After a few minutes, Chloe emerges from the woods)
Chloe (excited): "Look everyone!"
V (shocked): "I can't believe it, I think she actually brought stuff to help us!"
Chloe: "I made some stuff there in the woods. The strange noises I was hearing were surprisingly inspiring!"
Hannah: "Strange noises?"
Chloe: "Yeah. Moaning, groaning, that sort of thing. I wonder what that was?" (Everyone looks around, and seeing that Ned and Alexis are missing, nod knowingly) "I also think I heard Helena making fun of Jaxman while I was taking a nap."
Helena: "I was taunting you, you dimwit!" (Helena makes a mental note: Kill Chloe)
Chloe: "Anyway, I made something for ... well, the men."
Robin (under her breath): "Slut."
V (whispering back): "You said it."
Chloe: "For you, Jaxman, I made you some fig leaf speedos!"
Jaxman (taking the garments): "These are O-some dammit!"
Chloe: "And for you, Sonny and Jason ... bamboo suits!"
(Sonny and Jason look at each other)
Sonny: "What, you know, IS this?"
Taggert (smirks): "Well, if you are ever fitted with cement shoes, I guess you'd be able to float."
Jaxman: "What does that mean, dammit?"
Robin (shakes her head): "Never mind."
Chloe: "Now, for you, Taggert ... a seaweed hat!"
Taggert: "Uh, thanks."
Chloe: "I thought you might want to cover your premature male pattern baldness."
(Sonny and Jason start laughing, trying to hide it. Taggert is beginning to boil)
AJ: "What about me? What did you make me?"
Chloe (patting him on the head): "Sorry AJ. I didn't even think of you."
Helena: "Yes, I believe she said she made things for all of the MEN on the island. And you, Mr. Quartermaine, are sorely lacking in that department, unlike my Mr. Jaxman." (She smiles at Jaxman, who looks at her confused)
V (taking charge): "Okay, now that Christmas time with Barbie is over, can we get back to work please?"
(The residents begin working on their shelter, and the scene ends)
************************************
Last week, on "Survivor"...
Host: Chloe tried to make nice with some of the dysfunctionals, but her plan backfired.
Sonny: "I can't believe, you know, that ... she make us, like, bamboo suits."
Jason: "She's dumb."
Sonny (smiles): "Well put, Jason." (Jason nods)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taggert (upset): "A seaweed hat? What is that all about?"
Jaxman: "My fig leaf speedos are O-some dammit!"
Taggert (ignoring Jaxman) "And I SHAVE my head, I AM NOT BALD DAMMIT!"
Jaxman (scared): "Oh no dammit! Dee-tective Taggert is getting angry."
Taggert: "IT'S LIEUTENANT!"
Jaxman: "I am getting out of here dammit!" (Jaxman runs away, and AJ shakes his head)
AJ: "At least she made you something! All I got was a pat on the head. At least she didn't call me Foster..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Emily: "You know, I can't believe that Hannah like, totally dissed me! Well, I'll show her! I don't care about her threat to 'turn me and sue'."
Nik: "Uh, Em ... I think she meant 'tiramisu', you know the dessert?"
Emily: "Whatever. She is just too annoying for words."
Helena: "Yes, and you should know best, young Miss Quartermaine."
Emily: "Thank you Helena. At least someone appreciates me." (Helena shakes her head)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Host: Also, Nik hinted that he had a surprise for Liz, Emily, and Lucky, but his revelation was interrupted by a quarrel between the two brothers. Will his surprise come into play today?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later, at Port Charles council, the voting went as follows:
-AJ, Liz, Nikolas, and Jason received one vote each
-Hannah received 7 votes
-And Chloe received 12 votes
Host: "I'm sorry Chloe, the dysfunctionals have spoken. You must leave the island immediately."
Chloe (upset): "What? I can't believe this! Jaxman, why is everyone being so unkind to me?"
Jaxman: "I do not know dammit! This is very dee-pressing."
Helena: "To borrow a phrase from Luke Spencer: 'Please leave, you incessant box of hair.'"
Chloe: "I don't know what that means, but, fine. I'll go. Just don't expect any more presents from me, ever again! So there!"
Jason: "Thank you. Why do I have to share her name?"
Taggert: "Why do you speak in only one syllable?"
(Jason glares at Taggert, as Sonny tries to calm him down)
Host: "The rest of you can make your way back to camp."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And today, on "Survivor"...
Host: AJ was trying to make nice with some of the castaways.
AJ: "Hey Hannah, will you sleep with me?"
Hannah: "You are disgusting, AJ! You know, Sonny can have you killed any time."
AJ: "You think I care about that? What I want is booze and sex. I haven't had any in, well, I can't even remember. So, what do you say?"
(Hannah walks away upset, as AJ wonders where he went wrong)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jaxman: "I am so dee-pressed that Chlo-ee got voted off the island! This is a conspiracy dammit!"
Sonny: "What, you know, are you complaining about now?"
Jaxman: "Everyone is voting all my friends off the island dammit!"
Sonny: "Like, you know, I said (long pause) you don't, you know, have any friends."
Jaxman: "At least I have my fig leaf speedos to remind me of Chloe." (Jaxman looks down at his speedo fondly)
Jason: "Not for long."
Jaxman (scared): "Oh dammit! I am getting out of here!"
(Jaxman runs away as Sonny & Jason sit laughing)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nik: "I can't believe someone voted against me last week!"
Liz: "I know what you mean! I got voted against two weeks in a row. I wonder who it was?"
Lucky (with feeling): "I care about you, Liz." (Liz shakes her head)
Emily: "Well, no one has voted for me yet, which doesn't surprise me. I supplied the dope, er, I mean, telescope."
Liz: "If it's any consolation, Nikolas, they could have been voting for that other guy, you know, the one you saw in your suitcase."
Nik: "You mean, that guy claiming to be me? What was his name again?"
Emily: "Tyler."
Nik: "That's right. He may think he's better than me, but he could never guess what I did!"
Lucky (shakes his head): "This again?"
Nik: "Come on, just guess."
Liz: "Okay, um ... you recovered your missing vocabulary?"
Nik (confused): "No..."
Emily: "I got it! You found your missing wardrobe!"
Nik: "Um, no..."
Lucky: "Don't look at me, I think you're fine as you are."
Nik: "Thanks bro!" (Lucky nods) "Okay, okay, I'll tell you. I called Mrs. Landsbury and asked her to send dead Ted here to the island!"
Lucky (upset): "What?"
Nik: "Yeah, I asked her to send the whole freezer. Now, isn't that a cool surprise?"
Liz: "Please tell me that pun wasn't intended..."
Lucky: "How do you expect us to keep the freezer hidden here? Or, more importantly, what are we going to tell people when it arrives?"
Nik (disappointed): "I guess I never thought of that..."
Lucky: "Don't worry, we'll figure out a plan. And it will be just as good as my idea to stick a dead undercover cop in a freezer."
Emily: "Oh Lucky, you're my hero!"
(The four begin discussing their plan for when the freezer arrives)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AJ: "Hey V, will you sleep with me?"
V: "Get over yourself, AJ. No way!"
AJ: "Wanna get drunk together?"
V: "You are a pig, AJ." (V walks away, upset)
AJ (shouting): "You're weakening!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Host: The castaways worked on their shelter, which is now almost complete.
V: "Now, we just need some more leaves to cover the roof, and we'll be finished."
Taggert: "Then Miss Scorpio and I can make good use of the bedroom."
Robin (blushing): "You're embarassing me, Taggert."
Taggert (smiling): "That means I might finally be getting somewhere."
Robin: "No, you are mean to my mobster friends. You keep trying to put them in jail. They are good people, just misunderstood."
Taggert: "They kill people, Robin."
Robin: "Well, they haven't tried to kill me yet, and that's all that matters. Although they haven't tried to kill Chloe yet."
Taggert: "There's something we have in common. After she called me bald, I'd be willing to turn the other cheek if Morgan and Corinthos wanted to eliminate her."
(Taggert smiles at Robin, and she smiles back, surprisingly finding herself attracted to him)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And later in the day...
Host: The castaways continue to dine on bullet-ridden fish, courtesy of Jason.
Nik: "I'm getting sick of eating fish."
Jaxman: "Me too dammit! I want some moose burgers!"
Sonny (hearing the sound of wolves in the forest): "Why don't you, you know, go out there and (long pause) try to catch some ...moose?"
V: "It's getting dark, and we still need some more leaves for the roof of the shelter."
Lucky: "I've looked all over the place, and I can't find any of use."
Taggert (glances at Robin): "We went to look too, and we didn't find any either. Although, I must admit, I wasn't looking very hard."
(Taggert smiles at Robin, who smiles back. Jason glares at Taggert, who gives him a smug look)
V: "Well, the shelter won't keep us dry without a sturdy roof."
(All the castaways try to think of a solution, and Jason suddenly looks at Jaxman, who is wearing his fig leaf speedos. He stands up, and gives Jaxman a wedgie)
Jaxman: "Ow, you cannot do this to me! I am Jaxman, dammit!"
(Jason hands V the fig leaves as Jaxman runs horrified from the campfire)
V: "These should do it. Thanks Jason."
Jason: "It was fun."
(The castaways sit, talking, as Jaxman arrives with a new, cloth speedo. As they talk, they see something in the distance. Nik, Emily, Lucky, and Liz look at each other as they see Mrs. Landsbury on a boat with the freezer)
Helena: "Why is that increpid old woman here? And what is that she has with her?"
V: "It looks like a freezer."
AJ (excited): "More booze!"
Helena: "I don't know what she has in there, but I intend to find out."
(Helena gets up and walked toward the boat, as the teens look on, horrified)
****************************************************
The Jaxcave 1997-2000
Get your own Free Home Page