Dirty Jokes


Don't worry, they are not too bad but still if you get offended easily escape nowGet me away from this filth

These are jokes that I have heard over the years. If you would like to add one, email me at unfrufru@excite.com



A guy gets put into a nursing home by his son. He doesn't know if he's going to like it at first but he decides to give it a shot for his son's sake.
The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard-on. Out of nowhere, a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down, and blows him without saying a word.
the guy gets on the phone to his son and says, "Son! I love this pace! Thankyou for putting me in this nursing home!"
The son says, "Wow Pop. You sound really happy. What happened?"
The old man says, "You won't believe it. I woke up this morning with a hard-on, and the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen in my ife came into my room and blew me. Didn't say a word. Just blew me!"
"Congratulations Dad!"And hangs up the phone
Later that day, the old man is walking down the hall when he slips and falls and can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips down his pants, fucks him up the ass, and leaves him there in a heap
The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son "Son you have to get me out of here! I was walking down the hall and I fell down and couldn't get up. Then this big hillbilly came by, ripped my pants down and fucked me up the ass!"
"Well Dad," says the son, "you got a blow job this morning. You gotta take the good with the bad."
"No, you don't understand Son," said the old man, "I only get a hard-on once a month but I fall down three, four times a day!"



Reasons why a cucumber is better than a man



There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at the ranch. He was out of work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch. They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep. The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said. "It's time for your initiation!" Initiation! But how bad could it be, he thought to himself. Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders! So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting. "Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!" "Huh?" he said. "That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man." Oh, no, he thought, they couldn't possibly want him to...but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..." A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him. Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed to screw the sheep?" "That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."



A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked, but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked, but if I would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did, he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again. After she had, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed. "So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?" "Well," he replied, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me"



Q:What's the difference between a clitoris and a pub?
A:Nine out of ten blokes know how to find the pub



There were two poets who both died and arrived at ther Pearly Gates together. St Peter told them he had only one place, for the better poet of the two. So he tested each of them by asking for a poem ending in the word Timbuctoo. The first poet thought for a while and said

"I gazed across the ocean gray
Where pirates of the deep did lay;
A sailing ship came into view,
It's destination- Timbuctoo"
The second poet thought for a moment and replied:

"Tim and I a-hunting went
And spied three virgins in a tent.
They were many, we were few-
I bucked one and Tim bucked two."



Q:Why don't blondes like vibrators?
A:Because they chip their teeth



While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, ...."That's me before the operation."



Q:What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A:Once they are on their backs they are screwed



A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture
on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is
that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus and
then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the
corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I
stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index
finger



A woman is at a bar, drinking and depressed. A man walks in and sits next to her. He too is drinking and depressed. After a time, the man asks the woman,
"What are you so depressed about?"
She says, "My husband left me because she thought I was too kinky."
He says, "Really? My wife left me beacuse she thought I was too kinky!"
They order another drink, and she says to him, "Hey listen, we're both adults here and it looks like we might have a little something in common . . . whaddya say we go back to my place and see what happens?"
He says, "Sounds likea great idea!" And they finish their drinks and leave.
When they get to her place, she says to him, "Wait here, I'm going to go change into something more comfortable." She goes to her bedroom and puts on some black leather boots with six inch heels, a leather miniskirt, a rubber bra with the nipples cut out, a dog collar and a leather hood. She then graps a riding crop ans some handcuffs and saunters seductively out to the living room where she sees the guy putting on his hat and coat and heading for out the door. "Where ya going?", she asks. "I thought we were going to get kinky?" "Hey," he says, "I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse . . . I'm outta here!"



Two men were sitting there watching a dog lick it's privates. The first man said to the other "Just between you and me, I wanted to do that all my life."
To which the second man replied "Go ahead, but I'd pat him a bit first. He looks pretty vicious to me."



Q:What do you call a prostitute with tattoos?
A: A scenic route



Q:Why do you wrap guinea pigs in masking tape?
A:So they don't burst when you fuck them



The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the
bathroom badly. He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to
fill-in for a minute. The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just
match them up.
The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex.
These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy, "What
does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"
"He usually gives me a bag of chips and a soda."



A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender
pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the
problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in
bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her
stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best
friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!"



Q: How do you turn a triangle into a straight line?
A: Shave it



A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite
startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your
penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."



A Mountain Lion is on the top of a hill, having sex with a Zebra. He's really going at it, when suddenly he wws Mrs Mountain Lion on her way up the hill to catch him red-handed.
Thinking quickly, he grabs the Zebra by the shoulders and whispers in her ear
"Quick, act like I'm killing you"



A newly graduated geologist got a job with a mining company and was posted to a very remote region in far west Queensland. After he'd been there a month, and being young and fit, he started to need a woman, so he asked the resident engineer where he could find a bit of female company.
"Nothing round here, son,"said the engineer. "The nearest town is two hours drive away and it's been empty for years."
"But where do all the blokes go on a Friday night?" asked the young bloke
"When they've got your problem, they go after the sheep."
"The sheep? Dirty bastards. I won't be in that!" exclaimed the young man.
But after another month, the young man got desperate and so the following Friday went off with the rest of the men. The next morning he awakes with a splitting headache and discovers he's in a prison cell.
"What happened? Why do I have a headache?" he asked the man next to him.
The man replied, "You've got a headache because the Sargent hit you with his rifle and if you don't go quietly he'll charge you with beastiality."
"Why me? What about the others, they've been doing it for months!"
"Maybe, but you had to pick the Sargeants girlfriend didn't you!"



One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife
on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A
few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"



A man is in a bar and he is drunk. FLAT DRUNK and the bartender says, "I'll give you 100 dollars if you can knock that guy over there out. Then there is this alligator with a tooth you need to pull. Then there is this FAT whore upstairs you gotta go screw her!" "Ok" the guy says. So he has a couple more drinks then turns around and BAM! knocks the guy out. Then he runs outside and you here a bunch of screaming and yelling, and he comes back in and says, "So where's that fat whore with the tooth I need to pull!?"



A duck walks into a chemist. "Give us a jar of Vaseline," it quacks.
"That'll be five dollars," says the chemist, without batting an eye.
"Put it on my bill, please."
"Certainly sir. Anything else?"
"Yeah, give me a pack of condoms, too."
"Yes sir. Shall I put them on your bill?"
"No thanks. I'm not that kind of duck



A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude
standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right
ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the
small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the
small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what
did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right
ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought
you said "Turn around".



Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One cuts a fart. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey, I'm eating here!"



Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But
every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure
him.

"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single, so just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality - "Howard you're a Veterinarian ......."



This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no man
has gone before.

Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and
troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake
and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with
8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude.

The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever
seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this
man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake,
Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to
be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very
agitated by the conversation. "Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to
his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. 'Doesn't the white man's
shrink in cold water?'"



Q:What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A:We know how many went down on the Titanic



An elephant and a mouse were walking through the jungle when all of a sudden the elephant fell into a hole and couldn't get out. So the mouse said he'd hail the first car that came along. After a while a shining new Porshe ca,e roaring through the jungle. The mouse hailed it down, they got a rope out and the Porshe pulled the elephant out.
Shorly thereafter the mouse fell into a hole and couldn't climb out. So the elephant dropped his big dick down the hole and the mouse climbed out.

The moral of the story is: if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Porshe



Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff. "It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."



Q:How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
A:Opens the car door



While visiting Sydney a French girl found herself out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to afford passage back to France, she accepted a proposition from a friendly sailor.'My ship is sailing tonight. I'll smuggle you aboard, hide you down the hold and provide you with a matrress, blankets and food. All it will cost you is a little love.'
The girl consented and late that night the sailor sneaked her on board. Twice each day he smuggled a few sandwhiches below decks and took his pleasure. Days turned into weeks and might have turned into months if the captain hadn't noticed something. He got the sailor bonking hte girl and said,'Miss I feel it's only fair that I tell you that this is the Manly Ferry.'



Bill and Daphne have been residents at the same nursing home, during which time they have come to an 'arrangement'. They watch television together in the corner each evening. And Daphne gives Bill a 'polish' at the same time. One evening Daphne comes to join Bill and finds her seat on the couch occupied by another woman.
'Bill how could you!' she cries. 'You hardly know Bernice and she's older than me! Must be 90 if she's a day!'
Bill smiles and says sheepishly, 'Yes, but she's got Parkinson's.'



A social worker, a lawyer, two children and a Christian Brother were passengers on an aeroplane when suddenly the door to the cockpit opened and there was the pilot, one parachute strapped to his back and another in his hand.
The pilot says, 'The plane is going to crash, I can't do anything and there are only two parachutes. One is mine and you'll have to decide about the other one.' And he leaps out of the plane. The passengers are terrified. They start sweating and wringing their hands.
The social worker says, 'Perhaps we coud strap the chidren together in the parachute.'
The lawyer screams, 'Fuck the children . . . '
And the Christian Brother says, ' Do you think we have time?'



While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!" He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day. "Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?" The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else." Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved. He takes the capsules for a
week, and damn, the red ring is still there! So he goes back to the doctor and asks, "What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me know." Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?" The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."



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