Mystery Science Theater 3000 - the night of the sitcoms!
(We see the doors leading to the first segment. Mike and the bots are sitting at the desk drinking coffee. The light clicks on letting them know that Dr Forester and Tvs Frank
are contacting them.)
Mike: The mads are calling.
(The bots make no move to push the button)
Mike: Is anyone gonna get that?
Crow: Not me, I'm too spazzed out by this prico-columbian mix to even remember my own name. Servo?
Tom: Sure, I'm your slave. (Trys to put down coffee and push the glowing button) Wow! Caffeiene rush! Mike you gotta push the button.
Mike: Why?
Tom: Well youre the only one left and gypsy doenst have any arms.
Mike: Good point there. (Pushes the button) He-llo.
(Deep thirteen has been turned into an impromptu coffee shop, complete with its own Juan Valdez and his donkey. The donkey is eating Franks hair.)
Dr Forester: Ah, I see you tore yourselves away from your coffee break to talk to us.
Mike: Well we could have ignored you all day.
Dr F: Sure that will happen, I could also cut you loose from the tether thing and let you float for enternity.
Mike: (looks at bots, doesnt know if they are showing shock or just plain "We dont really give a" attitude) Whats on your mind?
Dr F: (walks toward Frank who is trying to drive donkey away with taser.) I'll be the first to admit it. We're having a terrible day down here. The donkey here at the inventionm exchange and now we cant find this weeks movie.
Mike: Oh, yeah we're very depressed about this Dr F.
Crow: Yeah, just skip it. We wont hate you for it, well at least not any more than we do right now.
Dr F: (Smiles smugly) Thats good to hear. For instead of the movie this week, you will be watching two episodes of the popular 1990's series FRIENDS. The first episode is "The One Where Ross Finds Out" Enjoy!
Mike: Friends? Thats all we need.
Crow: Could be worse.
Tom: How worse can it get than this?
Crow: We could be watching old Charles in Charge episodes!
(Mike and Tom scream)
Mike: Oh we got sitcom sign!!!!!
(We see the gang go through all six doors. Instead of the regular movie chairs we see a couch)
Crow: I like Friends already!
Mike: SShh.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters]
Tom: I saw that house on the A-team. They blew it up didnt they?
CHANDLER: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellent. . . about me?
Crow: Its definitely him. Who is he?
RACHEL: So, how was the party.
Tom: Party? Why wasnt we invited?
CHANDLER: Well it couldn't have been worse, a woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive.
Mike: Wow, a guy that actually makes me look good looking.
Crow: Dont push your luck Mike.
PHOEBE: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everything.
Tom: (as Phoebe) Like why is the sky blue? Why is the apartment only half here?
CHANDLER: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?
Crow: Oh yeah.
Mike: Ya big tub of lard.
PHOEBE: No, not weight, ya know, more like insulation.
Crow: Kinda like the aluminum siding servo here has.
Tom: Hey!
Mike: Behave you two.
MONICA: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.
Mike: We CAN make him more sarcastic!
Crow: He ever work with a dumbell before?
Tom: He already lives with Joey.
Crow: How do you know about Joey?
Tom: Uh....
CHANDLER: Oh, you know, I would but that might get in the way of my lying around time.
MONICA: Please.
ALL: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.
Tom, Crow and Mike: Yeah!
Tom: A REAL workout Chandler, heh heh.
CHANDLER: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin, home.
Tom and Crow's mouth hang open.
Mike:Dont you even think about it!
PHOEBE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make hands meet.
Tom and Crow: Shes got the whole world in her hands.
[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place.]
Crow: Hums Chariots of Fire Theme.
CHANDLER: OK, let's do it. [Monica looks at him funny] What?
Mike: Wow, area way out in the open there.
MONICA: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.
Crow: (as Monica) Geez, I didnt ask to see little Chandler.
Mike: Crow!
CHANDLER: And we're changing. [jogs back in his apartment]
Tom: And he changed into what? Debbie Reynolds?
[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]
[Back in Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is doing sit ups.]
Tom: (as Monica) Come on, work that booty! (Hops excitedly)
MONICA: C'mon give me five more. Five more.
CHANDLER: No.
MONICA: Five more and I'll flash you.
Mike: If I only had that inspiration in gym class.
Tom: Nah, youd be begging them to flash you Mike.
CHANDLER: One. . . Two. . . Two and a half. OK, just show me one of them.
Tom: One of what?
Crow: (Looks at Tom)
Tom: OH! One of hers!
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
Mike: An international coffee moment.
CHANDLER: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.
Tom: (as mail guy) you bring that bing guy his mail, he plays with his butt all the time now.
Crow: What a weenie.
Tom: Hey!
Crow: Not you.
[Phoebe enters]
Mike: Hey I dated her!
Crow: I suddenly feel very sorry for her.
RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?
Crow: It took her all night to find the tissues?
PHOEBE: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restaurant, ordered champagne, nice.
Tom: Get her good and loaded she'll even date Mike!
Mike: Hey!
JOEY: The guy still won't put out, huh?
Crow: I dont get it, put out? Does she mean the trash?
PHOEBE: Nope, zilch, nothin', uh-uh.
Tom: Whats another word for "I didnt get any"?
ALL: Sorry Phoebs.
PHOEBE: Look, I, ya know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, ya know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?
JOEY: Maybe he, uhh, drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.
Crow: Isnt that kind of dangerous?
PHOEBE: No, whad'ya mean. He's not British.
JOEY: Maybe he's. . . gay.
Tom: Gay and frilly?
Crow: Gay and fancy free?
PHOEBE: Oohh, um, no I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like, definitely felt something.
Tom and Crow: EWWWWWW!
RACHEL: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?
PHOEBE: No, I felt it on my hip, you could tell.
Tom: Well if she felt it on her thigh, its defintely heading in the wrong direction....
Mike: Tom!
[Monica enters]
MONICA: Yo Bing. Raquetball in 15 minutes.
CHANDLER: Joey, be a pal, lift up my hand and smack her with it.
Crow: And then will you help me pinch Monica on the butt?
Tom: Were you saying that as Him or as You?
Crow: You have to ask you'll never know.
PHOEBE: [seeing Ross kissing Julie out the window] Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.
Tom: Yeah! Go for it! YEAH!
Crow: (looks at Tom)
Mike: Do we have to put you on decaf?
RACHEL: What? [looks] C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight.
Mike: So she has a raisin tomorrow?
JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?
RACHEL: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.
Tom: Set her up? Is that what they do with bowling pins?
RACHEL: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, ya know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.
CHANDLER: So you really OK about all this?
RACHEL: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on, he can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.
Crow: Shes all right with this, she just wants her dead.
[Ross and Julie enter]
ROSS: Hi guys.
Tom: (as Julie) I'm not a guy!
ALL: Hey.
Mike: Horse.
ROSS: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK?
Crow: Cat toy? Why does that feel dirty to me?
Mike: Cause you have a sick perverted robot mind, crow.
Crow: Oh yeah, thats it.
MONICA: Only if you say his full name.
ROSS: Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.
MONICA: Alright.
JOEY: You're getting a cat?
Tom: No! They're getting a pit bull and naming it Camile!
ROSS: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.
RACHEL: Together?
Crow: Are these people born dumb?
Tom: (nods) blame it on the coffee.
ROSS: Uh huh.
RACHEL: Both of you?
ROSS: Yep.
RACHEL: Together.
JULIE: Yeah we figure it'll live with Ross half the time and with me half the time.
Tom: Just like living with my parents!
Crow: Tom you dont have parents.
Tom: Sure I do.
Mike: Yeah, okay Tom.
RACHEL: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.
Tom: (As Rachel) I hope you break up before the cat dies!
ROSS: Hopefully.
RACHEL: Well. Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date, with a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really uh, have a really good night and you two have a uh, have a uh, really good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave.
Crow: Leave, that's a great idea.
Tom: We gotta go.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading out to the main area. Mike and the bots are sitting at the desk. Mike has a book)
Mike: Seems its only fair since we are watching FRIENDS that we find out everything we do know about the show.
Tom: Otherwise know as torture time.
Mike: Hey!
Crow: Its true Mike, how much would we know about a tv series that has been over for years?
Tom: Plus the cast has been doing other things. I hear that Matt LeBlanc is now a professional accountant sky-diver.
Crow: Which one is he again?
Tom: Hes Joey.
Crow: Right.
Mike: So I gave you guys a test and I took it myself and it seems that Tom here knows more about FRIENDS than any of us. And that includes Gypsy who can look up any episode guide from its 15 years on the air.
Crow: Tom knows more about FRIENDS? HA HA HA.
Tom: Watch it Crow or I will tell the world about your ceramic pig collection! (Crow shuts up)
Mike: How do you know more about FRIENDS?
Tom: Well I can lie, and lie well, or tell you the horrible truth.
Mike: The truth from you Tom, would be great anytime.
Crow: Now hold on Mike, it's a entertaining lie, maybe we'd like to hear that.
Mike: Crow! Lets hear it Tom.
Tom: Well it all started when someone subscribed me to a friends list...
Mike: Oh we got sitcom sign! Tell us later!
