Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Caroline Time - Caroline and the Bad Back
(We see the SOL. The guys are sitting at a desk. Tom has a magazine.)
Tom: This is so cool. According to this I’m a Gemini, Crow is a Cancer and Mike is a Libra.
Mike: How can you determine my astrological sign without my birthday?
Tom: Easy. (pauses) Actually I’m just guessing.
Crow: I know I’m not a cancer.
Tom: Well you are a bit crabby.
Crow: Hey!
Mike: He’s right. Especially in the morning.
Crow: Huh.
Tom: Anyone want to know their rising sign?
Mike: Later. We got Caroline sign!
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater.
[Scene 1: Caroline's Apartment]
CAROLINE: (Entering with Del) You know, I don't get it. An hour of racquet
ball, and not a hair out of place. How DO you do it?
DEL: I gel between games.
Crow: I bet our satellite could land on his head and not mess his hair.
Tom: He’d be killed but man would he have great hair!
CAROLINE: You know, I hate dating a man who's prettier than me. (kiss) Hey,
Richard, sorry I'm late.
Mike: Shes pregnant?
RICH: Ah, no problem. Kathie Lee's been droning on about Frank and Cody,
so it was almost as is you were here.
Crow: Not really, Kathie Lees voice causes seizures.
CAROLINE: You know you should try getting some exercise. It makes you feel
great. Do you play racquet ball, Richard?
RICH: No, not during working hours, but, hey, that's just me. Can we
please just get to work now?
CAROLINE: (To Del) You have to go. My mom says I can't play anymore.
Tom: Richard is her mom too? Shouldn’t he get overtime?
DEL: Okay. Hey, I'll call you later. (kiss)
RICH: All right, all right, all right. Now, look I've been coloring the
kitchen merchandise.
DEL: Hey, good game, better luck next time.
CAROLINE: Excuse me. What do you mean, 'better luck next time?' I mean we
never finished the third game.
Crow: Picky.
RICH: (To Caroline) Ah, speaking of changing the subject back to work,
which is Salt and which is Pepper?
Tom: And which one is Spinderella?
DEL: (To Caroline) You have such trouble losing to me.
CAROLINE: An incomplete game doesn't count. Ask anyone, ask Richard.
RICH: Oh, no, no, no I don't think I'm qualified to rule here. You should
appeal directly to the International Racquetball Tribunal in a hague.
However speaking of decisions Salt or Pepper? (Referring to papers)
Crow: Its a simple question! Black and white!
CAROLINE: So it's settled then, it was a tie!
Tom: A bow tie!
RICH: Oh the hell with it. Who's gonna buy Caroline kitchenware anyway?
Mike: Julia Child?
Crow: Email LaGasse?
Tom: The Galloping Gourmet?
DEL: (To Caroline) If you wanna believe it was a tie, it was a tie. In
fact, you know what, Caroline? You won! How's that? (Exit Del)
CAROLINE: God, I hate it when he does that. Okay. . . (Enter Del)
Crow: Gotta take that revolving door out.
CAROLINE/DEL: Rematch!
RICH: Ah, excuse me. What about the deadline for your comic strip? How
come you get to go out and play and I hafta work?
CAROLINE: I'm the boss.
Tom: And so the age old question of “Whos the boss” is answered.
RICH: Boy, you lean on that like a crutch.
CAROLINE: Richard, it's only gonna take an hour. I'm gonna teach Del the meaning of the word 'loser.' (D fakes worry)
Mike: (as Del) Oh I’m scared I’m shaking in my boots.
RICH: Well, if you're gonna include vocabulary lessons, it may take all day. (They exit) Oh goodie, Katie Lee's about to sing. (Referring to TV screen)
All: (scream)
[Scene 2: Caroline's Apartment, several hours later]
RICH: (on phone) Ah, Ah, yeah, Ah, Ah I was trying to reach a Caroline Duffy. Ah, ah she went to play racquetball there three hours ago. Ah, ah, I don't know. She's a little mousy, brown hairdo girl, and ah, she's with a guy--kind big and spoiled. Ah, never mind, they just walked in.
Crow: Must have been talking to "Missing Cartoonists" at the
police department.
(Caroline enters in Del's arms)
CAROLINE: Okay, okay. Be gentle now. Get me on the floor. (Del rests her on the floor)
RICH: Please, if you're gonna have a nooner. can't you at least wait 'til noon? (Del lays Caroline down on the floor)
Tom: Really. And dont do it then either.
CAROLINE: Richard, I hurt my back.
DEL: We just spent the last two hours at the emergency room at St. Vincent's.
Crow: Those two can do it anywhere.
RICH: What? Didn't you tell the nurse you had a deadline?
CAROLINE: The guy with the bullet in his head had a wedding.
Mike: I think I’d rather be the guy with the bullet wound at this point.
RICH: Oh, great, great. So, what are you gonna do now?
Crow: (as Caroline) I’m going to Disneyland!
CAROLINE: Richard, I've never missed a deadline. I've never even missed a day
of school. Well, maybe ONE day, but it wasn't my fault.
DEL: Okay, I heard this story in the emergency room. Love you. Got a
meeting. (To Richard) If you need anything you can call. (exit Del)
All: Ghostbusters!
CAROLINE: Bye. It was third grade and I was just trying to.
RICH: You know, you know, you know why don't we save this for when you're
feeling better and I'm not here.
Tom: Course he could have said, I dont care what happened to you in
third grade
CAROLINE: Okay Richard, let's get to work. We still have plenty to make that
deadline.
RICH: All right. You really think you're up to it?
CAROLINE: Yeah. Just get me to that drafting table and stand back.
RICH: All right. Here we go. (Richard picks Caroline up by one arm)
CAROLINE: Ahh! Pain! (He puts her down)
Crow: What a weenie. (Mike slugs Crow) Ow! Mommy he hit me.
RICH: Ah, here. (Picks her up by the other arm) This.
CAROLINE: More pain. (He puts her down)
Mike: With the power of lemon.
RICH: (sighs) (Picks up the rug she is lying on and carries he away)
CAROLINE: Oh!
[Scene 3: Later on]
RICH: (Caroline gets up and starts to walk into the kitchen) Caroline,
Caroline, where are you going?
Tom: (as Diana Ross) Do yoou knooowww where you going to?
CAROLINE: Up to the tower to ring some bells. I'm gonna get some ice for my back.
RICH: (getting up from the table) Look, look, look, you work. I'll get the
ice, okay?
CAROLINE: Thank you. (lays back down)
Mike: I’d watch Richard with that ice pick if I were her.
RICH: Ah, look as long as I'm up here is there anything else you need?
CAROLINE: Oh, a big glass of scotch to go with it. (Richard grabs something
from the freezer)
Tom: Does your back hurt?
Crow: Do you have an annoying primp of a boyfriend?
Mike: Do you have a weird and meaningless job?
Tom: Try booze!
Crow: Brought to you by the booze council.
RICH: You know, Caroline, I just don't understand you. How could you go
out playing racquetball without finishing your strip?
Crow: She was gonna strip! Darn that back!
CAROLINE: Hey, I thrive under pressure. In college I never finished a term
paper until the night before it was due.
RICH: And you didn't graduate because?
Tom: Sound familiar Mike?
CAROLINE: Richard, I'm never going to tell you anything if you just throw it in
my face.
RICH: Okay, here you go. (puts something under Caroline's back) There.
CAROLINE: (looking) What is that?
RICH: Well, ah you were out of ice. It's a frozen chicken.
Mike: The power of poultry.
CAROLINE: Richard, that's so sweet. No one ever put a chicken under me before.
RICH: Yeah, well, in some cultures this would mean we're married. (Cut to
same scene, later on)
Crow: In that same culture youre stoned with chicken nuggets if you steal something.
CAROLINE: (trying to erase something) Oh, oh.
RICH: What, what, what, what, what? Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What
do you need erased?
CAROLINE: Ah, ah. That little daisy on her dress. It's crooked.
Tom: Shes picky when shes in pain.
RICH: (erases) Oh, God, I'm being punished for something in a past life.
Now, do you need me to blow on it?
Crow: All right! Here we go!
Mike: He meant the eraser shavings.
CAROLINE: No, I can handle that.
RICH: Good.
CAROLINE: Right after I get some ginger ale. (gets up)
RICH: No, no, no, no, no, no. Look. Look. You blow, I'll get the ginger
ale. (gets up; goes into the kitchen and looks in the fridge) Unbelievable.
Mike: You’re telling us?
CAROLINE: I heard that.
RICH: (looking in the refrigerator) That's good, because I wanted you to.
Ah, nope. No ginger ale.
Tom: But you do have a bottle of aspirin and some rancid looking orange juice.
CAROLINE: What?
RICH: No, in the beverage department you've got ah, a bottle of flat
champagne, a jar of pickle brine and ah, oh they found this kid three
months ago.
CAROLINE: Okay, water. I'll just pretend it's ginger ale. You know when I was in the first grade I got stung by a bee and I had to go to Nurse Wallowman.The only thing that made me feel better was ginger ale.
RICH: Wow. They make a film like Schindler's List when there's a story like that begging to be told.
Tom: Or in this case a story thats just begging to be forgotten.
CAROLINE: Richard, I am not enjoying this. You know what it's like when you hurt yourself.
RICH: No, actually I don't. I've never been that careless.
CAROLINE: What? You've never sprained an ankle or broken a bone or stubbed a toe?
RICH: No, not that I recall.
Mike: (As Richard) I have no feeling in any part of my body.
CAROLINE: What did you do, Richard? Spend your entire childhood locked in your
room?
Tom: And yet he somehow managed to escape.
RICH: I had books. (enter Annie and Charlie)
ANNE: Hello, this is for you. I found him kneeling outside my door.
Crow: (As Annie) He kept asking me to marry him.
CHAR: I swear, I was not looking through your keyhole.
ANNE: I don't have a keyhole.
CHAR: Thank God. I thought I was going blind. Caroline, I brought you fan
mail from the office. (hands her a stack of letters)
Mike: All one of them. The rest are bills.
CAROLINE: Wow. Look at all the fans I have.
CHAR: Oh, it's just one guy. But if he gets out he wants to meet you.
All: Hey!
ANNE: Why are you sitting on a chicken?
Tom: What? Its not normal for her to do that?
CAROLINE: Oh, good, it finally hatched. I hurt my back and we ran out of ice.
ANNE: Well, if you hurt your back, what are you doing up? Go to bed.
RICH: She is trying to meet a deadline.
ANNE: Deadline. Pffff.
Crow: Did air just escape out of her head.
RICH: Hey, don't pfff Deadline.
ANNE: I can pfff whatever I want. Pfff.
RICH: Look, Caroline has a sense of responsibility. A concept your
language has no word for. Although I do understand it does have forty-two
ways to say, "Yeah, I'd love a drink, sailor."
Mike: Course it also does have 123 ways to say “Sure I’ll sleep with you”
ANNE: Nice outfit, Richard. Your heart must skip a beat every time Johnny
Cash has a garage sale.
CARO: Quiet up. I'm in pain. I have a deadline. Everybody has to be
really nice.
Tom: Richard and Annie being nice to each other? That’ll be the day.
CHAR: Caroline, listen, I have just the thing for you. I wrote you a poem
and I want you to hear it. Hey I heard your back is out. I hope you're
not a cripple. That chicken must be good and cold-'cause I can see your
nipple.
All: Oy.
Mike: Crow stop looking at Carolines shirt.
ANNE: Okay, Charlie, they're probably missing you back at the office, huh?
Tom: Missing? Hell they probably threw a party when he left.
CHAR: Mmmm. Not a chance. I was once locked in the Xerox room for two
days. However, I do have two thousand photo-copies of my butt. (Exit
Charlie)
CARO: Annie, do you have any ginger-ale.
ANNE: I don't know. Do you?
CARO: No.
ANNE: Well then I don't either. (picks up a bottle of pills) Did you get
medicine here?
Crow: The captivating ginger ale discussion.
CARO: Yeah, the doctor gave me these.
ANNE: Ah, please. I take these when I'm feeling good. Here, these little
babies are what you want. But don't mix 'em with vodka, that's bad. Well
it's good, but it's bad. Here. (hands Caroline pills)
RICH: Good news. I just called your syndacator. You don't have to meet
your deadline today.
Mike: So she really can lay around the house now.
CARO: What do you mean?
RICH: Ah, well the newspapers are gonna double-run one of the other strips
in your place.
CARO: Which other strip?
Tom: Garfield?
Crow: Beetle Bailey?
Mike: Blondie?
RICH: Ah, Cathy.
CARO: Cathy?
ANNE: Uh oh.
RICH: What?
CARO: It's nothing. I've been a cartoonist for six years and I think
there's room for a lot of different voices.
Crow: Shes got enough weird people in her life, she doesnt need any in her head.
Tom: Really.
ANNE: Cathy and Caroline have this lit cigarette oily rag kinda' thing going.
Mike: I’ll let you guys know what that metaphor means later.
CARO: Get me to my table.
RICH: What? What? What's the big deal. Cathy. Caroline. They're both
about water attention, anyway.
CARO: If that stringy-haired, bikini buying, excuse for a cartoon thinks
she's getting my spot. well she's got another thing coming.
Tom: (Makes cat noise) Cartoon cat fight!
ANNE: Well, if you're gonna work through the pain, you may wanna try these.
Mike: (as Caroline) But how will Rolaids help?
CARO: Will they really help?
ANNE: Caroline, I am a professional dancer. A dancer's body is a tool.
She learns how to maintain it, how to treat it. She learns anatomy and
body mechanics. Being a dancer is practically like being a doctor.
RICH: Oh yeah they both being with "D." I'm an artist. That's practically
like being an astronaut.
ANNE: You know the black bird of happiness is not helping you out. Now
here, you're supposed to take four of these, every two hours.
Crow: Course if you want to take it the wrong way sure.
CARO: (swallowing) Thanks.
ANNE: And you can have the rest. I got plenty.
Mike: Why are we not surprised.
RICH: Now there's a surprise. (looking at the medicine) Like anybody cares,
but this says two every four hours.
ANNE: Listen, poindexter. Two times four is eight, whichever way you do
it. (Cut to later that afternoon)
RICH: So, these pills aren't making you drowsy at all? (Caroline is
sleeping at her table) Glad to hear it.
All: (make snore noises)
[Scene 4: Caroline's bedroom.]
Tom: This room is Martha Stewarts dream come true.
Crow: OR my worst nightmare.
Tom: Good point.
RICH: I found the... (picks up bedspread to find Caroline's feet) Caroline.
(Goes to the other end and looks there) Caroline. (Caroline remains
motionless) Oh. What did Sid do when this happened to Nancy? Caroline,
look, I found the nutmeg.
CARO: What are you doing with nutmeg?
Mike: He wanted to spice things up.
RICH: You asked me to get it.
CARO: No I didn't.
RICH: Yes you did.
CARO: No I didn't.
Tom screams.
RICH: Fine. No you didn't. I'm the one whose looped on painkillers.
CARO: You too?
Crow: I kinda like that group, why do you ask?
RICH: Come on. Remember, the deadline? You've got to draw the script.
(puts a pen in her hand)
CARO: I know, I just can't draw.
Tom: That doesnt seem important now.
RICH: I agree, but the public seems to like what you do. Now, come on,
come on. (guides her hand) Here we go.
CARO: Ohhh. (Caroline draws all over his arm)
Mike: (gets up and looks) I dont know art but I know what I like.
RICH: Perfect.
CARO: Can I have...ginger ale?
Tom: Lay off the ginger ale already!!!
RICH: For the hundredth time, Caroline, there is no ginger ale. Let it go.
CARO: Can I have toast?
RICH: Toast? Who goes from ginger ale to toast?
Mike: You mean besides a girl who is all doped up on her friends pain pills? Not many.
CARO: People toast with ginger ale.
RICH: Fine, fine, fine. I will get you toast. (leaving)
CARO: Bye the way, do we have any nutmeg? (Cam cuts to Richard walking
downstairs) Toast, toast, toast.
RICH: Cathy, Cathy, Cathy. (Enter Del)
All: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Crow: Wait, thats Del.
DEL: Hey, I'm here.
RICH: Well it's about time. What you couldn't pick up a phone and call?
I'm slaving over a hot stove all day and you're out at some lousy meeting?
DEL: Wait. I'm gonna go back outside. We'll try this again. (Exit Del)
Tom: Ya’ll come back now ya hear?
(Enter Del) Hi! (hands Richard some groceries)
RICH: Honey, you're home! Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Where is the
ginger ale?
DEL: Yeah, I knew I there was somthin' else.
RICH: This is so perfect. You forgot the ginger ale? That is all she's
been whining about for the past hour.
Tom: That and that damn Cathy chick.
DEL: Look, just give her orange juice. She's not that fussy.
RICH: Not that fussy? Not that fussy? Here, let me show you something.
(picks up a plate) Okay. These eggs were too firm. These eggs were too
soft. And these she dubbed merely 'ucky.'
DEL: Got to love her.
Crow: Yeah, right.
RICH: You gotta love, I just got to work for her.
Tom: Who do you feel sorrier for?
Mike: Myself actually.
DEL: Well look, I'm here now, you can take a break.
RICH: A break? I can't take a break. I have to fix Cybill's toast. Her
comic strip is due in one hour and six minutes and the only thing she's
drawn is on my arm.
DEL: What is the worst that will happen if she misses her deadline?
RICH: They'll run two Cathy scripts.
DEL: Uh oh. (Del runs upstairs) Caroline? Caroline? (finds her lying on
the bed) Caroline. Oh, honey, you gotta wake up. You gotta wake up,
sweetie.
Mike: (as Caroline) Mommy I dont want to go to school.
CARO: Oh.
DEL: You're gonna hate me now. But you're gonna hate me a lot more if
Cathy runs tomorrow. Okay, here, let's walk. (picks Caroline up and trys
to make her walk) Walking. Walking. Walking.
Crow: I’m walking, yes indeed I’m walking.
CARO: Are we there yet?
DEL: Caroline, we gotta get you an idea for your comic strip, honey.
CARO: Okay, okay. Caroline's on a boat and she's looking for a big white whale.
Tom: Shelley Winters?
DEL: Caroline, that's Moby Dick.
CARO: No it's not.RB>
DEL: Yes it is.
CARO: No it's not.
Crow: Tonight on Crossfire.
DEL: Okay, let's go with it. (Del begins to draw; Caroline falls over on
him)(Enter Richard)
RICH: Oh please, don't you two ever give it a rest?
DEL: I'm trying to wake her up.
RICH: That's what they all say.
All: (all make Wa Wa WAaaaaaaa Sound)
DEL: What'd you give her?
RICH: I don't know. Why don't you ask Annie, our friendly neighborhood
dancer slash pusher.
DEL: Okay. It's okay. I deal with this all the time at the card company.
What we have here is an employee focus problem.
RICH: Are we looking at the same person? What we have here is a lagoon.
Mike: If its a lagoon wheres Brooke Shields?
DEL: Okay, Plan B: we finish the strip for her.
RICH: What?
DEL: Sure, you're an artist, I'm an idea man.
Tom: Thinking is not this guys strong suit.
RICH: Well, couldn't we get in trouble for that.
DEL: Yeah, Richard the comic police come over to your house and hit you
with a big mallet that goes "boing boing."
CARO: Could somebody get that? (Del and Richard go downstairs)
Crow: Get what?
Mike: It must be that comic police Del was just talking about.
RICH: Del, I cannot believe this. I cannot believe that I am reduced to drawing a comic strip. I mean for five years I studied Van Gogh, Monet, Renoir. I guess I should have studies Andy Capp.
DEL: Well if somebody hadn't let her take pills.....
RICH: Wait, wait, wait. Me? Me? You were the one who goaded her into playing racquetball this morning.
Tom: Yeah dude!
DEL: I didn't goad.
RICH: You're right. Technically, you patronized.
DEL: I do not patronize.
RICH: You do so.
Crow: And you wonder how they stay friends.
DEL: Oh, all right, Richard, I patronize. (Del trys to sit down at the
desk, Richard stops him)
RICH: Uh, uh, uh, I sit there. (Richard sits down)
DEL: Excuse me, Captain Kirk.
Mike: Thats ok Dr Spock, don’t let it happen again.
RICH: Okay, Idea Man, we need an idea.
DEL: Okay, okay. So, we just have to fill in four little boxes. Bang.
Bang. Bang--funny! Okay, fine. Focus. What do we have to deal with
here? Single girl. Adventures in the big city. Yadda yadda yadda.
RICH: Okay, okay, look, maybe this will work if we just get in touch with
our feminine sides.
DEL: Feminine side. Got it. Focus. Tryin' to get in touch....Huh, how
about that? I don't have a feminine side.
RICH: Good for you, Butch. I give up. What are we gonna do?
Tom: So hes Butch Cassidy?
Crow: Lets hope they throw him off a cliff soon.
DEL: I got it. What's a woman's favorite thing to do?
Mike: Their hair, at least thats what they tell me when they turn down a date offer of mine.
RICH: Talk.
DEL: No. Shop.
RICH: You obviously never worked here.
Crow: Lucky dude.
DEL: Okay, look. Caroline's shopping. She's at a mall. She wants to buy some....Shoes?
RICH: Shoes?
Tom: Yeah they go on your feet.
DEL/RICH: Shoes!
DEL: That is wonderful. Oh, that is so....female.
Crow: And your point is...
RICH: Yeah!
DEL: So she says to the guy, 'I'll take a dozen shoes.'
RICH: Okay, okay and the clerk says, 'pairs or individuals?'
DEL: That's great! Draw that. No wait, wait, maybe we should run this idea by her first.
RICH: Okay, look, Caroline's body is upstairs, but her soul has gone to a much higher place.
Crow: Lets go to a higher place.
Tom: We gotta go.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk. We see Richard from
the show with an easel facing him, but away form our sight. Crow and Tom are
posing for him)
Mike: Well hello Richard...
Richard: Shh! Genius at work!
Mike: OK.
Richard: Shh!
Mike crosses over to the bots.
Mike: (softly) Whats going on.
Tom: (softly) Richard is painting us.
Mike: Ah. May I ask why?
Crow: He was already here when we did and how could we resist.
Tom: Richard is a legend. This is a rare opportunity.
Richard: Voila’! I’m finished.
Crow: Great! Let us see.
Richard turns the easel around There is a abstract black and gray dot next to a red
and white stripe.
Richard: What do you think?
Mike: Well you managed to capture their personality.
Tom: Well I think its a bit.
Mike: Oh we got Caroline sign! Critique it later!
