Mystery Season Theater 3000 - Sitcom Night -Friends Time- The One With The Football
(We see the desk area. The guys are sitting around.)
Tom: I’m bored.
Crow: Me too.
Mike: Hey guys lets play scrabble!
The bots look at Mike.
Mike: Or maybe not. Oh look the mads are calling.
(We see Deep 13.)
Dr. F: Hello poopies! Tis a sad day there today. Frank has quit and I am looking for a replacement.
(We see Frank hopefuls lined up outside Deep 13.)
Dr. F: Okay Our next contestant is a Mr. Matt LeBlanc. Matt please come here.
Matt: O.K..
Dr. F: What experience do you have in being a stupid sidekick?
Matt: Well I played Joey on Friends for a long time.
Dr. F: Nah. Youre not the one I want. Not stupid enough
Matt: Give me another chance! I can be dumber.
Dr. F: I dunno.
Crow: Yeah, give a bloke a chance.
Dr. F: (to Crow) You stay out of it reindeer head.
Matt: I can BE dumber.
Dr. F: Although thats more of a Chandler than a Joey, I’ll let you stay. (to assistant) Tell the others to go home. No, check that, instead throw them in the croc pit, they been getting restless.
Your show today is Friends the fun The one with the football. If you cant tell what the
show is about from the title then you’re dumber than I thought. Send the movie Matt.
Matt: O.K.. Is it this button? ( lights go out, woman screams)
Dr. F: I like you better already.
Mike: We got Friends sign!
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater.)
[Scene 1: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there, the guys are watching football, the girls are cooking Thanksgiving dinner.]
Tom: Thanksgiving in America, kitchens hum with the feeling that this will be
a great day for family and for burnt food.
The Guys: (reacting to a play) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Awww!
Crow: The chess tourney is grating this year.
Mike: Yeah the computer is beating the pants off the computer geek.
Phoebe: Hey, it’s your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help.
The Guys: We will. (they don’t move)
Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles.
Tom: (as Rachel) No I’ll put it where I want.
Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this.
(Rachel sticks a marshmallow into Monica’s nose. Monica takes it out of her nose by closing one nostril, and blowing.)
Monica: Every year.
Crow: Oh these guys will win the Pillsbury Bakeoff. It’s a done deal.
[Scene 2: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Tom: We know return to “I married Monica!”
Phoebe: Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down and try to watch one of these things. (just as she sits down).
Ross: Half-time.
Joey: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going?
Crow: Hey! There may be kids watching!
Tom and Mike look at him.
Crow: Oh! The football game!
Tom: Way to go buttcrack.
Rachel: Oh! That would be sooo much fun!
Tom: (as Rachel) But lets not get crazy here.
Phoebe: Oh, can I play too? I’ve never played football, like ever.
Joey: Great, you can cover Chandler.
Chandler: No, no, no, I don’t, I don’t really wanna play.
Mike: You have to or they will have to find a subplot for you.
Joey: Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler: That’s not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say that I don’t have goals!
Crow: Frankly Chandler aspires to be Mike.
Mike: After that I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Joey: Chandler, you have to start getting over her. All right, if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it’ll take your mind off Janice, and if you don’t play, everyone will be mad at you ‘cause the teams won’t be even. Come on.
Chandler: Yeah, all right, I’ll play.
Phoebe: Yay!!
Tom: And it rhymed, hooray.
Rachel: Let’s do it! Ross?
Ross: What?
Rachel: Do you wanna play football?
Ross: Um, Monica and I aren’t supposed to play football.
Joey: Says who? Your mom?
Mike: Actually it was Ross.
Monica and Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Well, every, every Thanksgiving um, we used to have a touch football game called the ‘Geller Bowl.’
Chandler: No, no, no, you say that proudly.
Tom: Or not.
Monica: Anyway, Ross and I were always captains, and um, it got kind’ve competitive and one year, Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Ross’s nose.
Ross: It was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma arm elbow right into my face. And just keep running
.
Crow: Monica! The ultimate fighting champion!
Monica: To score the winning touchdown, by the way.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the game, the touchdown didn’t count, because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose breaking.
Monica: (to Chandler and Joey) I won the game.
Ross: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn’t get the Geller Cup?
Tom: It was in the dishwasher.
Rachel: Um, there was a Geller Cup?
Ross: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said, ‘nobody won that game, ‘ and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and.... (pauses to collect himself, as he is on the verge of tears saying this) threw it in the lake.
Mike: (As Monica) We really started to worry about dad after he threw the new buick keys it the lake too.
Chandler: And was the curse lifted?
Tom: Nope. Ross is still whiney and Monicas still a neat nik.
Ross: Anyway. That’s when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again.
Monica: Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it’s been twelve years.
Mike: So “Never Again” Translates into 12 years from now.
Tom: Looks it.
Ross: Can I see you for a second?
(they walk over to the sink and discuss it for a moment)
All: Make “discussion” noises
Monica: (shouting) Once!!
Crow: Twice!
All: (sing) Three times a lady!
Ross: All right, we’re gonna play.
Tom: (as computer voice) Would you like to place a game?
Chandler: But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won’t let me cross the street.
Crow: But apparently he doesnt let that stop him
[Scene 3: The Park, the gang is warming up for their football game.]
Tom: Football! The great american tradition! Brought to you by Gatorade!
Monica: Okay. Let’s bring it in.
Rachel: Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me, throw it to me.
Mike: Must be talking to Pooh.
Crow: Oh shes Pooh all right.
Ross: Here you go. (throws her the ball)
Rachel: (knocking it down instead of catching it) That almost hit me in the face.
Crow: (As Marcia) Oh! My nose!
Joey: All right, we have to pick captains.
Chandler: And then Tenniles
.
Tom: Love aint gonna keep this group together.
Phoebe: Okay, so how do we decide that?
Monica: Well, why don’t we just bunny up.
Rachel, Chandler, and Joey: What?
Corw: Bunny hop?
Monica and Ross: (holding both of their hands above their heads making rabbit ears with their fingers.) Bunny!
Mike: I guess no-bunny else wanted to be captain.
Bots groan.
Monica: Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains. Okay, so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to pick first. Joey.
Tom: Buttafuoco
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: Monica, I’m your best friend.
Ross: Sweetie, don’t worry you’ll get picked. Chandler.
Rachel: Ross!
Monica: Phoebe.
(Phoebe kisses Rachel on the cheek, then joins her team.)
Ross: Sweetie, now I pick you.
Rachel: You don’t pick me! You’re stuck with me!
Crow: Look familiar Mike?
Ross: Okay. All right. So let’s see, let’s play from the trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, we’ll kick off.
Monica: All right people listen, I’ve got exactly twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again.
Tom: Shes gonna baste herself? Are they gonna show this?
Chandler: Wow! Just like in the pros.
Monica: Huddle up.
Joey: (to his team) All right, huddle up, right over here.
Mike: Next to the dead rat.
Phoebe: Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle.
Tom: From sony!
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay, so what do you guys really think of Chandler?
Crow: Is she asking us? Does she REALLY want to know?
Monica: Okay, Phoebe you know what you’re doing right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, Joey’s gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block.
Phoebe: What’s block?
Mike: Its like sunscreen except cooler.
Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you know what you’re doing?
Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.
Monica: Break.
Tom: Smash!
(Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is holding the ball between his foot and finger.)
Chandler: The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. (goes to kick the ball but kicks Ross’s foot instead.)
Crow: Tom, youre the resident Friends expert. Whos Janice?
Tom: Chandlers girlfriend with the awful laugh. I’ll point her out if we ever have a Janice Episode.
Ross: Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on!
Chandler: Sorry. I’m sorry. Y'know what, we’re just gonna throw it.
(Chandler throws the ball to kick-off.)
Joey: I got it. (catches the ball)
Phoebe: Go! Go! Go!
(Joey runs up field and fakes out Ross and scores a touchdown. His team all celebrates the touchdown.)
All: YAY!
Mike: Wait! Who are we rooting for?
Bots shrug.
Mike: Thats what I thought.
Monica: Score!! 7 to nothing!
Rachel: (coming over to Ross, who is just getting up) Are you okay?
Ross: Come on, let’s go!
Monica: Losers walk!
Ross: Yeah, losers talk!
Chandler: No, no, no, actually losers rhyme.
Tom: Oh that so stung.
[cut to later, Ross’s team has the ball.]
Chandler: (coming up under center, just like a real quarterback does, and puts his hands between Ross’s legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross stands up and looks at him) You wanna go shotgun?
Crow: (As Chandler) Let me know when this makes you feel weird.
Ross: Yeah!
Chandler: (from the shotgun) Hike!
Monica and Joey: One-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi.
(Rachel runs a quick slant.)
Mike: Great strategy
Rachel: Over here! (Chandler throws her the ball, which she drops.) I almost caught that one!
Tom: Well almost counts only in horseshoes and some other damn thing.
Chandler: Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7.
Ross: Okay, (to Chandler) this play, I want you to do a down and out to the right. Okay. Break!
Rachel: Wait, what am I gonna do?
Mike: Sit around and look pretty.
Ross: You, you go long.
Rachel: Wait, how long?
Ross: Until we start to look very small.
Crow: That wont take long.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Break!!
[cut to later, Monica’s team has the ball.]
Joey: Set....hike!
Tom: As in “take a hike”
Ross: One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!!
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no!
(Monica throws the ball over Joey’s head, it’s stopped from rolling away by a very beautiful woman.)
Crow: Oooh chicky
Joey: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our ball.
Woman: (in a foreign accent) You are playing American football?
Mike: Soccer actually.
Joey: Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other country.
Woman: I’m Dutch.
Joey: Hi-hi, I’m Joey.
Woman: I’m Margha.
Crow: What kinda name is that?
Joey: I’m sorry Dutch, I didn’t get that last little bit.
Tom: Dutch Schultz?
Chandler: (running up) Hey Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna.. (sees Marhan) Hi, I’m Chandler.
Mike: Feel free to dump me at any time.
Tom: (as Margha) Ok.
Margha: Hello, Chandler.
Joey: Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan.
Margha: Margha.
Joey: Mar-klan.
Margha: Mar-gha.
Chandler: Mar-haaaan.
Tom: Lets move on!!!
[cut to Ross and Monica.]
Monica: Come on guys! Let’s go! Come on, it’s second down.
Tom: Thank you
Ross: Uh, hello, it’s third down.
Monica: No it’s not, it’s second.
Mike: They are so down on downs.
Ross: Wow!
Monica: Wow, what?
Ross: It just amazes me that your still pulling stuff like this.
Tom: Pull? Pull what, taffy?
Monica: Pulling what? It’s second down.
Ross: Okay, it’s second down. (turns away) Take all the second downs you need.
Monica: I heard that!
Ross: Well, I said it loud.
Tom: Ok back to the two stooges.
[cut to Chandler, Joey, and Margha.]
Margha: It is okay, if I stay and watch?
All: SURE!
Chandler and Joey: Yeah! Why don’t you stick around. You can sit right there.
(she goes and sits down)
Chandler: Well, that went well.
Mike: Yeah considering shes foreign, Chandler and Joey arent well known in the Netherlands.
Joey: I think so.
Chandler: Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number.
Joey: Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, y'know.
Chandler: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about.
Joey: Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much to ya, I’ll let you have her.
Crow: Let? Whoa.
Chandler: Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn’t I wouldn’t have a shot?
Tom: Well look at you.
Joey: Well I don’t like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don’t feel bad man, we all have our strengths. You’re better with numbers and stuff.
Chandler: Math!! You’re giving me math! All right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we’ll see who gets her.
Mike: I bet neither.
Crow: Me too.
[cut to later, in Ross’s huddle.]
Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie..
Tom: Dont call me sweetie.
Rachel: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it’s like all I’m doing is running back and forth from the huddle.
Ross: Well ah, you wanna just stay out there?
Rachel: Can I see that for second.
Ross: Yeah.
(Rachel takes the ball from his hands and bounces it off of Ross’s forehead and Chandler catches the rebound.)
Crow: You go girl!
Ross: Okay. Hut! Hike!
(Chandler runs around behind Ross, who pitches him the ball. Chandler runs upfield, and Joey knocks the ball out of his hands.)
Joey: Fumble!
(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler grabs Joey’s shirt and rips it off of his back.)
Joey: What the hell’s the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey.
Mike: Well it can be your favorite rag now.
Chandler: Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math.
Joey: All right, that’s it. Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself.
Chandler: Hey! Well, I’ve been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that’s mean!
Monica: All right, come on guys, let’s go! Tie score, and we’re runnin’ out of time. Forty-two!! Thirty-eight!! Hike! (the timer sounds as Monica throws the ball to Phoebe.)
Tom: Was that me?
Phoebe: Oh I got it!! (catches the ball) Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow!
Joey: Pheebs, run!
Monica: Run, Phoebe, run!
(Phoebe runs and scores a touchdown.)
The gang does a wave.
Phoebe: Touchdown!! Touchdown!!
Ross: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn’t count.
Monica: After the snap!
Ross: Before the snap!
Crow: But before the crackle?
Joey: After!!
Chandler: Before!!
Rachel: Now, does it really matter?
All: Yes!!
Phoebe: Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first touchdown. So?
Ross: Oh Pheebs, that’s great. It doesn’t count.
Tom: Way to be a downer about it.
Monica: Does so count!
Ross: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Monica: Y'know what, that’s fine, maybe you haven’t grown up, but I have.
Ross: Oh-ho, okay.
Monica: Dead leg!! (kicks him in the thigh.)
Mike: Wow, that IS mature.
Ross: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine! All right, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Phoebe the touchdown does count, you win.
Phoebe: Woo-yay!!
Tom: Lets fight it out! (Crow looks at him) No? Okay.
Monica: No! Listen, I’m not gonna go through this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat when you can’t blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the fact that you thought you were getting mono. Let’s just call this, tie score and it’s halftime.
Ross: Okay, first of all, I don’t play with cheaters, and second of all, you know I had swollen glands!!
Monica: Y'know what? I’ll think you’ll play.
Ross: Oh really! Why is that?
[cut to Monica and Rachel’s.]
Monica: Because the winner gets this!
Ross: The Geller Cup.
Mike: Wow, I really want that...tossed out the window of a speeding car.
Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?
All: Yeah.
The gang nods.
Chandler: Okay, good.
Tom: Time to go.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk area)
Mike: Hey look whos here its Margha!
Margha: Hello.
Mike: Margha you were there, was the ball caught before or after the snap?
Crow: Shes not gonna remember that.
Mike: Don’t underestimate a pretty girl.
Margha: I suddenly have to go somewhere.
Mike: Where?
Margha: I will know when I get there. Incidentally you are both very stupid. (Margha slaps
both Crow and Mike)
Tom: Hee hee.
Mike: Why did she did that?
Crow: Our reputations must precede us.
Mike: Its Friends sign! We’ll cry about this later.
