Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Caroline Time - Caroline and the Cat Dancer<BR>
<BR>
(We see the SOL. The lights are dim)<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Hey guys where are you?<BR>
(lights flick on)
Tom, Crow and Gypsy: Surprise!!<BR>
Mike: (stunned) For me? Why?<BR>
Crow: Well it’s officially Ten years since you joined us and well we thought we could
so something special for you big.<BR>
Mike: Thanks! (opens card) This is from Dr F. Apparently he wantss to give me a Caroline
episode for my anniversary.<BR>
Tom: How typical.<BR>
Crow: Yeah. It’s Caroline and the Cat Dancer, with a special guest.<BR>
Mike: I’ll open my presents later. We got Caroline sign!<BR>
<BR>
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater)
<BR>
[Scene 1: Caroline's apartment. Caroline, Richard and Annie are there, eating Chinese food.]<BR>
<BR>
Crow makes eating noises.<BR>
Tom: Oh the cat tastes great! Pass the salt.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: [reading a fortune cookie] 'The dog with a thousand faces still eats from one bowl.' What does that mean?<BR>
RICHARD: It means they now have crack in China.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: A little superglue can fix that.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: What does yours say, Richard?<BR>
RICHARD: My fortune cookie was empty, which, by the way, is the title of my autobiography.<BR>
ANNIE: [reading her cookie] Ooh! 'Wealth, happiness and joy will soon be yours.' Man, my whole week has been like this. Yesterday, I find twenty bucks on the sidewalk. Today, someone leaves this awesome Donna Karen jacket in a taxi which fits me like skin, notice, notice. [she twirls so they can she the jacket] And now this fortune. Man, my life's never been this good!<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Don’t get used to it.<BR>
<BR>
[cut to the IRS. Jimmy is sitting at his desk. He puts a folder down in front of him.]<BR>
JIMMY: Annie Spadaro, come on down! [he stamps the folder with a big stamp that says 'AUDIT']<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Hey! (points) It’s Niles Crane!<BR>
<BR>
[cut to Caroline's apartment. Annie shudders.]<BR>
ANNIE: Did anyone else feel that?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: (As Richard) No I felt great.<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 2: Richard's apartment, at night. Richard is lying awake in bed, frowning. His neighbours can be heard very clearly through the wall having sex. Eventually, Richard turns over angrily and puts a pillow over his head.]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Mike whats going on next door?<BR>
Mike: I’ll tell you when youre older.<BR>
Crow: The people next door are doing it too loud.<BR>
Tom: Doing what?<BR>
Crow: If you have to ask you’ll never know.<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 3: The elevator in Caroline's building, on the ground floor. Richard is there.]<BR>
ANNIE: [offscreen] Hold the elevator!<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Going down?<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: Right. [Annie enters, just before the door closes. She is wearing a bathrobe and carrying some mail.]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Oh so shes a mail order tart.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Well, you're out of your coffin early this morning.<BR>
RICHARD: Don't even start, Annie. The people next door to me were having sex 'til four AM.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Oh! So thats what you meant Crow.<BR>
Crow: Yeah brain boy.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: [incredulously] Where do you live?<BR>
RICHARD: Third and Avenue C.<BR>
ANNIE: Hmm, wasn't me. [she opens one of the envelopes] Oh my god! Oh no! I'm being audited by the IRS!<BR>
RICHARD: [smiling] Oh goodie, Santa got my letter!<BR>
<BR>
Mike: So Santa is in the revenge business these days.<BR>
<BR>
[Annie hits him on the shoulder]<BR>
[cut to Caroline's apartment. Joe is there, on the phone.]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Who’s that?<BR>
<BR>
JOE: On the Myers cat, press the wound and give it ten CCs of Erythromycin. And no matter how much Mrs Ackman asks for painkillers for her Beagle, don't give them to her. She takes them herself. ... Okay. Bye. [he hangs up; Richard enters] Hello, Richard.<BR>
RICHARD: Good morning, Joe. I see your mother gave you permission for another sleepover.<BR>
JOE: My mother's dead.<BR>
RICHARD: Oh. I'm sorry.<BR>
JOE: Psych. [he chuckles; Richard starts laughing]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: So this is Carolines new dream man - I’m impressed.<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: Oh, you definitely had me going! [mutters] Idiot.<BR>
JOE: You know, it's the city that makes you bitter. I bet if you and I went white-water rafting-<BR>
<BR>
Mike: You definately don’t want to hang with this guy here Joe.<RB>
<BR>
RICHARD: [calls out] Caroline, he's trying to bond again!<BR>
[Caroline enters from upstairs]<BR>
CAROLINE: Joe, don't bond with Richard.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (as Caroline) He’s not glue.<BR>
<BR>
JOE: No no no, get back in bed, get back in bed!<BR>
CAROLINE: [mock surprise] You really are twenty-three!<BR>
<BR>
Mike: That implies something, I just don’t know what.<BR>
<BR>
JOE: I was going to bring you breakfast in bed.<BR>
CAROLINE: Aw, honey, you cook!<BR>
<BR>
Crow: I hear eggs benedict is hard to get out of fine linens.<BR>
<BR>
[Joe takes some pop-tarts out of the toaster; he and Caroline start kissing]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Om second thought I can do without breakfast.<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: Aaaaaww... [he picks up a pencil and pretends to stab himself in the stomach with it] Ugh![Del enters and looks at Caroline and Joe]<BR>
DEL: I don't believe this! [they stop kissing and look at him] Strawberry frosted pop-tarts! I was just thinking about those!<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Oy, Delbert is here.<BR>
<BR>
JOE: What's Del doing here again?<BR>
CAROLINE: Oh, I'm going to beat him at racquetball.<BR>
JOE: Oh, racquetball! That's good, cardiovascular...can I see you in the hallway? [he exits]<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Is this bad?<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Uh-oh, our first hallway conversation. [she exits]<BR>
<BR>
Mike: I guess so.<BR>
<BR>
DEL: So, does he sleep over a lot?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: What gave you that idea?<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: Twice this week.<BR>
DEL: When Caroline and I were going out, I used to sleep over seven nights a week.<BR>
RICHARD: Yeah, well, the difference is, he's not sleeping.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: So that explains why the matress is sagging, big time!<BR>
<BR>
DEL: Well, maybe he's got a lot on his mind.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Are we talking bout the same guy?<BR>
<BR>
[cut to the hallway]<BR>
JOE: Look, I know we've only been going out eleven days, and this is so not me, but um, are you still in love with him?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Sure we had a passionate turid affair but thats over.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: [startled] Who?<BR>
JOE: Del.<BR>
CAROLINE: Oh, uh, Del? No. If I were in love with Del, I wouldn't have said 'Who'.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Unless shes an owl.<BR>
<BR>
JOE: I just think it's weird that you're always hanging out with your ex-boyfriend.<BR>
[the elevator opens; Joe steps in. The Elevator Lady is there.]<BR>
CAROLINE: Do you really think it's weird?<BR>
JOE: Well, look, I don't want to judge, but yeah, really weird.<BR>
LADY: Do you know what I think is weird? When the moles on your back spell 'Help me'.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: She didn’t mean herself there, did she? Cause thats a nasty image.<BR>
<BR>
[the elevator closes; Annie enters from her apartment]<BR>
ANNIE: Caroline!<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Thats her.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Yeah?<BR>
ANNIE: Listen to this: I just got off the phone with some schmoo from the IRS who tells me I'm being audited for 1993! I don't remember 1993! That was the year I discovered jello shots!<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Now I see why she dont recall 1993.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Annie, do you think it's weird that Del and I still hang out, you know, after cancelling the wedding?<BR>
ANNIE: Totally weird. Now focus. I need receipts for '93. Anything deductable.<BR>
CAROLINE: I don't think it's weird, I think it's nice!<BR>
ANNIE: She's worried about nice, and I'm going to jail. Someone named Sweaty Betty is going to buy me for a carton of cigarettes! [she goes back into her apartment]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Ah<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 4: Jimmy's office. Annie is there, waiting nervously. She has a shoe box in her lap. Jimmy opens the door with a crash and furiously throws down his coat and briefcase.]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Thats not a good sign.<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: It's not you.<BR>
ANNIE: [scared] Good...<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Thanks for relieving my worries<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: I need aspirin. [he takes a bottle out of his desk drawer and swallows a few pills from it] Oh, okay. That's funny. Tic Tacs in the aspirin bottle again. [he spits them out] I HATE YOU PEOPLE!<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Hey say it dont spray it.<BR>
<BR>
[Annie stands up]<BR>
ANNIE: You know, maybe I should come back tomorrow. You look like you're having a bad d-<BR>
JIMMY: Life? Tell me about it. I just got passed over for the office with a window because I'm too lenient.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: He’s consdered lenient? I’d hate to see his coworkers.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Lenience is good! Jesus was lenient!<BR>
JIMMY: If Jesus worked here, he wouldn't have a window either. Sit down. [she does so; Jimmy looks at a form on his desk] You must be Miss Spadaro, case two-four-seven-three.<BR>
ANNIE: Well, my friends call me two-four.<BR>
JIMMY: [deadpan] I must meet your friends, they sound like a hoot. Let's begin. [he looks at the form, marking things on it as he goes] Right. Right. Right.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (Gets up and looks) Huh, ver nice.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: [happily] Well, I did it right!<BR>
JIMMY: No, you did it horribly. I'll show them lenient. [he stamps the form, then starts on another one] Caught ya. Caught ya again. [he holds it up] Is this a nine or a four?<BR>
ANNIE: [guessing] A nine.<BR>
JIMMY: Caught ya again.<BR>
ANNIE: Look, I've never been audited before. Is there any chance I could go to jail for this?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Sure, you’ll get to meet sweaty betty after all.<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: If I want a window, there is. Okay, I need to see your receipts.<BR>
ANNIE: Okay, uh, receipts. I have them. [she gives him the shoe box; Jimmy opens it and takes out the receipts]<BR>
JIMMY: Two.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: She’s in trouble.<BR>
Tom: Big bad trouble.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Actually, that one's for the shoes.<BR>
JIMMY: Are you really this incompetent, or are you just doing this to cheer me up?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Actually if she had a choice she wouldnt be there.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Look, I'm sorry I'm not an accountant, okay? I'm a dancer.<BR>
JIMMY: Dancer? Professional dancer?<BR>
<BR>
All: (sing “Private Dancer:)<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Yeah, I'm in "Cats".<BR>
JIMMY: [breathless] "Cats"? I love "Cats"! I've seen it thirteen times!<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Oh thats unlucky.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: [sympathetically] Oh, that's so sad!<BR>
JIMMY: I should have known you were a dancer. You have a dancer's body.<BR>
ANNIE: Thank you.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (as Annie) I grew it myself.<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: Lithe, and...wiry. Reeking of sensuality.<BR>
ANNIE: Uh...yeah!<BR>
[Jimmy closes the door]<BR>
JIMMY: Can you do splits?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: This guy is on the verge of being unprofessional.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Now?<BR>
JIMMY: No. No. [he looks at his watch] No, not now. Miss Spadaro, I have to be honest with you. You are as we say in IRS lingo, up doodie creek. But you seem like a very lovely person. Perhaps we could discuss your problem. Tonight. Over dinner. I'm buying. I'll give you the receipt.<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 5: Richard's apartment. Richard is painting. His neighbours are still at it. He stops working and glares at the wall.]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Maybe he can make them stop with his mind.<BR>
Tom: That’ll be short work.<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: No wonder Van Gogh cut off his ear. [knock at door] What now? [he opens the door, it's Caroline] Yes?<BR>
CAROLINE: Hi.<BR>
RICHARD: Caroline! What are you doing here?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (As Caroline) I was in the neighborhood.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Uh, I just brought you a house-warming gift.<BR>
RICHARD: If I'd known company was coming, I would've emptied the traps. [he starts hurriedly tidying things away; Caroline looks around]<BR>
<BR>
Tom:  Lets put this here and there.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Oh, well, this is nice.<BR>
RICHARD: Yeah. [he folds up the Hide-A-Bed]<BR>
CAROLINE: A person could...live here. [they both stop and listen to the neighbours for a moment, who are now howling like wolves] So...<BR>
<BR>
All: So.<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: So.<BR>
CAROLINE: How are you getting on with the neighbours?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Well they’re doing a lot better than him.<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: Not as well as they're getting along with each other.<BR>
CAROLINE: Look, um, here's your present. It's a Fry Baby. [she gives him a brown paper bag] You can return it. I'm meeting Del for a movie. [she walks towards the door]<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (As Caroline) I have to leave, I have a  uh appointment.<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: Well, thanks for stopping by.<BR>
[Caroline stops and turns around]<BR>
CAROLINE: Um...do you think it's weird that Del and I are still friends?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: It’s official, shes asked everyone that question.<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: I think it's weird that Del and anyone are friends.<BR>
CAROLINE: I'm serious. We were bad as a couple, but good as friends.<BR>
RICHARD: I still think it's weird.<BR>
CAROLINE: Why?<BR>
RICHARD: Because you've seen him naked.<BR>
<BR>
All shudder.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: So? I've seen Annie naked.<BR>
RICHARD: Who hasn't?<BR>
CAROLINE: Say you were Joe, how would you feel?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Mad.<BR>
Crow: Jealous.<BR>
Mike: Weirded out.<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: I don't know.<BR>
CAROLINE: Okay, say you and I were dating.<BR>
RICHARD: No, please, let's don't.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Thank you.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Okay. Okay, fine. Happy house-warming. See you later. [she walks down the hall]<BR>
RICHARD: I'd have trouble with it.<BR>
CAROLINE: What?<BR>
RICHARD: If I were Joe. [he goes back into his apartment]<BR>
<BR>
Mike: That solves...absolutely nothing.<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 6: Caroline's apartment. Caroline is sitting at the desk, phone in hand. Salty is sitting next to her.]<BR>
CAROLINE: Listen, Del, I can't go to the movie tonight. ... Yeah, I'm taking a late flight. ... Uh...to see my parents. [guiltily] My dad is sick. ... Well uh, no, no, no, he's not going to die or anything, no. He just has one of those really bad colds where you know you're going to recover, but you still want your family to gather around you. ... Yeah, I'll call you back when I get home. ... Okay, bye. [she hangs up, and looks at Salty] Don't judge me, you drink from the toilet bowl.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: No I don’t!<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 7: The hallway outside Caroline's apartment. Annie and Jimmy enter.]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Ah they ARE a cute couple. Annie could finally settle down.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Well, Mr Callahan-<BR>
JIMMY: Uh.<BR>
ANNIE: James.<BR>
JIMMY: Uh.<BR>
ANNIE: Jimmy.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: So hes Jimmy Ray?<BR>
Mike: Who wants to know?<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: [smiling] Mmm.<BR>
ANNIE: So, I guess you'll want to come in for a drink? [she crosses her arms and holds her keys up on one finger]<BR>
JIMMY: Betcha got milk. Cats like milk.<BR>
ANNIE: [dubious] Yes. Yes we do.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: And we like catnip too.<BR>
<BR>
[Jimmy starts batting the keys like a cat; Annie snatches them away]<BR>
JIMMY: Do you have your "Cats" costume in there?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Uh?<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Uh, no, no I don't. [she turns to unlock the door; Jimmy rubs his head against her shoulder]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Ok, whats with this guy?<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: Do you know what I'm doing now?<BR>
ANNIE: [unimpressed] I got a pretty good idea, yeah.<BR>
JIMMY: I'm marking you.<BR>
[Annie steps away]<BR>
ANNIE: Okay, I am just not drunk enough to do this.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: I guess they arent meant to be Crow.<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: Do what?<BR>
ANNIE: I am not going to sleep with you to get out of my audit!<BR>
JIMMY: Sleep with you? I don't want to sleep with you!<BR>
ANNIE: You don't? What was all this about?<BR>
JIMMY: I want you to get me an audition for "Cats"!<BR>
<BR>
Tom: We gotta go.<BR>
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk area. We see Crow)<BR>
<BR>
Crow :Memory, turn your face to the moonlight<BR>
Let your memory lead you<BR>
Open up, enter in<BR>
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is<BR>
Then a new life will begin<BR>
<BR>
(We see Tom)
Memory, all alone in the moonlight<BR>
I can smile at the old days<BR>
I was beautiful then<BR>
I remember the time I knew what happiness was<BR>
Let the memory live again<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (Applauds) Thats nice guys but how come I didnt get to sing a verse?<BR>
Tom: Uh...<BR>
Crow: Well..<BR>
Mike: We got Caroline sign.We can talk later.<BR>
<BR>
<a href="mstie17p2.html"> Go on to the second part of Caroline and the Cat Dancer</a> <P>



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