Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Friends Time - The One With the Jam
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the
desk area. The bots are having an argument.)
Crow: Is not!
Tom: Is so!
Crow: Is not!
Tom: Is so!
Mike: (enters room) Hey guys whats happening?
Tom: Mike Crow says that Emily didn’t marry Ross in the season four
finale and I was telling Crow he is SO wrong.
Crow: But I’m not!
Tom: You are so wrong.
Mike: You guys are both wrong. No one got married. The dungeon
masters calling.
(We see Deep 13)
Dr F: Well poopies we have a classic season three episode for you all. (knocking is heard) Come on in! It must be the cajun sushi I ordered.
Delivery Guy: Sushi.
Dr F: Ah its about time. That stuff may go cold. How much?
Delivery Guy: Five bucks.
Dr F: Here you go. (looks at DG) Youre not the normal delivery person
Delivery Guy: I’m not.
(The DG takes off his outfit to reveal that he is none other than Matt LeBlanc.)
Dr F: Egad!
Matt: I want another chance.
Dr F: But I already have a sidekick, Frank.
Matt: Please!
Dr F: No, don’t give me that puppy dog look. (closes eyes) Ok. Lets do this. We will figure this out while the gang up there watches The One With The Jam. Send the movie.
(Frank and Matt fight over button. It gets pressed byt someone but we don’t know
who.
Tom: That was interesting.
Mike: We got Friends sign!
[Scene 1: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting reading a book and hears
the bed in Joey's room creaking, and does a 'Oh no, not again' look on
his face.]
Crow: Must be testing the bedsprings again.
Tom and Mike look at Crow.
Crow: What?
JOEY: (from bedroom) WHOAA!!
Tom: I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!
CHANDLER: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told
you not to jump on the bed.
[Scene 2: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]
Mike: Damn, those two are inseperable.
MONICA: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this
morning.
ROSS: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?
Tom: Must be that strange “Must make jam!” urge women have.
MONICA: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale.
Crow: There are docks outside?
RACHEL: I didn't know there were docks.
[Joey and Chandler enter]
JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: Hey.
Tom: Cow.
Crow: Horse.
Mike: Goat.
ROSS: Aww, is it broken?
Crow: Should a guy ask another guy that?
Tom: His arm, his arm!
JOEY: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. (points to the sling
he is wearing)
RACHEL: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your
bed?
JOEY: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out.
Mike: Course the only reason why hes back is cause no one bought him.
CHANDLER: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy
that it just *fell* out of the socket.
JOEY: What is this? Fruit?
Crow: Nothing gets past this past this guy.
RACHEL: Monica's making jam.
JOEY: Whoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey, how come we never have
jam at our place?
CHANDLER: Because the kids need new shoes.
Tom: What kid? Chandler having a kid suddenly scares me to death.
MONICA: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed
about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite
of man? Jam. (sees Joey trying some jam from the pot) Oh Joey don't! It's
way to hot. (Joey realizes this and spits what he had in his mouth back
into the pot.)
Mike: That made loads of sense.
JOEY: This will just be my batch.
Tom: Joey only makes toe jam so this is good stuff.
[Scene 3: Street, Phoebe is being followed by some guy, as they pass a flower
vendor. Phoebe turns around and the guy quickly picks up some flowers and
continues following her.]
All: (sing) Sometimes I feel like, somebodies watching me.
Crow: Someone following Phoebe, must not have much of a life.
PHOEBE: (turns around) Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah.
Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look
there's you.
GUY: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters....
Tom: I need my Q back, is that too much to ask?
PHOEBE: What?
GUY: One more chance Ursula, please?
PHOEBE: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.
Mike: Really, what kinda name is Ursula?
GUY: Wh..
PHOEBE: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
GUY: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!
Crow: Ok, go with it man.
PHOEBE: Oh, you're not a dingus.
Tom: Shh! This dude just had a breakthrough.
GUY: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I
meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular
phones.
PHOEBE: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this
is just what, what she does to guys, okay.
GUY: Well thanks. (starts to leave)
Mike: That was fun.
PHOEBE: Wait, (grabs him) you know what, I got a little story. When I was
in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was
a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me,
that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're
just an average student.' See what I'm saying?
All shake head.
GUY: Not really.
PHOEBE: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem to be a really
nice guy, you know. Don't be so hard on yourself okay.
Crow: Is this a The more you know ad?
GUY: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so
nice. Here (gives her the flowers he bought.)
PHOEBE: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of coffee?
GUY: Yeah, okay.
PHOEBE: Okay. (they start to leave, he is still following her) Okay, you
don't have to walk behind me any more.
Mike: Maybe hes from Iraq and he has it backwards.
GUY: Sorry.
[Scene 4: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]
RACHEL: Mon?
ROSS: Mon?
Tom: Hey Mon?
Crow: Jamaica Mon.
RACHEL: (reading) 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.'
Mike: I wonder who left the note.
ROSS: Wait a minute, look.
RACHEL: What?
All look.
ROSS: Look, look, look.
RACHEL: What, what, what?
All look frantically.
ROSS: It's an empty apartment.
RACHEL: Oooh.
ROSS: We're all alone in an empty apartment.
Crow: (as Rachel) Big fat hairy deal Ross!
RACHEL: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes (Ross
starts kissing her neck) Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee
of the year or anything. (they fall onto the couch)
Tom: Whooops! Tripped. Heh heh.
(Chandler enters and they both jump up and pretend that Ross is showing
her something in the couch.)
ROSS: There it is.
RACHEL: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. (to Chandler) Hey.
Mike: How lame was that?
ROSS: Hey.
CHANDLER: Do I look fat?
All: Eh.
Tom: Didnt we do this already?
ROSS and RACHEL: Noo.
Tom: Just asking. Jeez.
CHANDLER: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she
took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.
Crow: Well she doesnt have the voice to match, thats for sure.
RACHEL: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.
CHANDLER: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked
at her....
ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer,
it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo!
Does size matter?
RACHEL: Nooo!
ROSS: And it works both ways.
Crow: Course the size thing is generally exagerrated.
CHANDLER: Okay, so you both just know this stuff?
RACHEL: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch
on.
ROSS: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip
and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from
the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you
do?
Tom: Actually you hope she doesnt come back so you don’t have to madke a choice in the first place.
CHANDLER: That's easy, baggage claim.
ROSS: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number
three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.
Mike: Or not.
CHANDLER: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one.
Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh,
you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how
do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something.
Crow: Or ugly
Tom: Or stupid.
Mike: Or “Foghorn head”
RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily
sleepers. (Chandler makes an 'Ewww' face) Okay, I'm late for work.
ROSS: Oh.
RACHEL: All right are you guys gonna come down?
Tom: Whats in it for us?
Crow: Yeah!
ROSS: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you.
RACHEL: Good luck Chandler.
CHANDLER: Thank you Rachel.
ROSS: Bye sweetie.
Mike: Bye dear.
RACHEL: Bye hon.
ROSS: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business,
but there is something you can do.
CHANDLER: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers.
Tom: Ya. calling each other “boo boo” while asleep.
ROSS: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the
room. Okay, come here. (they sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on
Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in bed...
All: Hey!
Crow: This I don’t need.
CHANDLER: Yeah. (they both notice where his hands are)
ROSS: I'm gonna use the cushion.
CHANDLER: Yeah.
Crow: Thank you.
ROSS: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait
for her to drift off, and then you hug her (demonstrates on the cushion)
and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way.
Hug for her! Roll for you.
Tom: Roll over Beethoven!
CHANDLER: Okay, the old hug and roll.
ROSS: Yep.
CHANDLER: Okay, one question.
Mike: Do I look fat?
ROSS: Shoot.
All: Bang!
Tom: I got him!
CHANDLER: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?
[Scene 5: Central Perk, Joey is putting jam on his muffin, lots of jam]
Crow: Joey, this is an intervention, you need help. Youre a jam-a-holic.
JOEY: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at
the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
Tom: I can see the jam but whats the use for the spoon? He’s using his hands.
RACHEL: (Looks at him) You're so pretty.
PHOEBE: (entering) Hi!
ALL: Hey, Phoebe.
All: Bye Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to
him today.
JOEY: (with food in his mouth) You talked to him. Are you crazy?
Mike: Incoming!
All duck.
PHOEBE: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway
his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause
he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just
come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
Tom: God bless the American court system
CHANDLER: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom.
PHOEBE: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this,
this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit
carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so
cute.
ROSS: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker.
Crow: Theres a spot made for her on the Jerry Springer show.
Mike: Can she throw a good punch?
PHOEBE: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like
you know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her.
JOEY: (with his mouthful) Hey, I didn't stalk her. I mean (he sprays Phoebe
with crumbs)
All duck.
PHOEBE: Okay, I asked for the news, not the weather.
MONICA: (entering) Hey guys.
ALL: Hey Mon.
MONICA: Joey, this is for you. (gives him a jar of jam) It's blackberry
curin.
Mike: Just like mama made.
JOEY: Aww. (tastes it) Ohh!
CHANDLER: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked
(holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)
JOEY: Put your hands together.
Crow: Ug!
MONICA: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch.
JOEY: No more jam?!
RACHEL: Well, what happened to your jam plan?
Tom: It went poof apparently.
MONICA: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break
even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies.
Mike: She’s gonna need bigger jars.
CHANDLER: Well, your gonna need much bigger jars.
ROSS: What are you talking about?
MONICA: I'm talking about me having a baby.
ROSS: What?
Crow: I stand corrected. I’m more scared of Monica reproducing.
RACHEL: Are you serious?
Mike: Are you experienced?
MONICA: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control
of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in
the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
ROSS: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what
is that guy's name? Dad!
Tom: Don’t call me dad, son.
MONICA: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life
with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can
have a baby, and that's just stupid.
CHANDLER: That, that's what's stupid.
Crow: It’s the economy stupid.
MONICA: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers.
And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff.
RACHEL: Down at the docks again?
Tom: Let’s go before she actually takes us to said docks.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading out but instead of the desk we see Deep 13. It looks like whatever Dr F has chosen to do about his sidekick problem has come
to fruition.)
Dr F: Here is the plan boys. Are you listening.?
Frank and Matt: Yes.
Dr F: This is a nuecloutonic device. All the parts you need to assemble it are contained within these shipping crates. The one who can assemble it the best without making a mistake will win. (Blows whistle) Get cracking.
(Dr F pulls the camera to him, talking to the viewer and the bots so no one else can hear him)
Dr F: Acutally guys I am looking for the one who has the most mistakes. The stupidest sidekick will stay and the other well we’ll see about his future later.
Frank and Matt: We’re done, Dr F.
(Dr F has turned to see that Matt ahs actually made a perfect nuecloutonic device and Dr F has made a snow cone machine )
Dr F: Wow. A snow cone machine. How did you....?
Frank It was easy, instead of putting part a in slot a I put it in slot b, and it just went from there.
Dr F: I’ll make my decision after the guys watch the rest of the show.
