RICHARD: Joe, takin' that midnight train to Georgia?
Tom: He's leaving? Horray!
JOE: Don't you get it? It's cool, it's retro! It's what all the trendy veterinarians are wearing this season.
ANNIE: Yeah, especially the blind ones.
Crow: Zing!
JOE: It doesn't really matter if you people like it. All that matters is that Caroline likes it...[Caroline shakes her head] And Caroline doesn't like it, so I'll be renting a black one.
Mike: Put a bag on that guy.
[Caroline nods; Joe goes back upstairs]
ANNIE: Boy, he really listens to you.
Crow: Course he does, men cant live without women nagging. Right Mike?
Mike: Well I can see.... hey!
RICHARD: Of course he does. He's learned to respect his elders.
[Del enters]
DEL: Oh hey, guys. Caroline, I need a favour. You know that movie thing we were going to do on Saturday?
Tom: Move out of the country, get a whole new start. why?
CAROLINE: You mean, go to the movies on Saturday?
DEL: Whatever. Can I blow it off?
CAROLINE: It was last Saturday, but sure.
Mike: She would actually mind if he was still her beau.
DEL: Caroline, you're the best. I met the most amazing woman last night, her name is Risa Glickman. Doesn't that just sound like music?
Crow: Yeah, if you have your fingers in your ears.
RICHARD: Yeah, if you're between stations.
DEL: She's the most amazing woman I've ever dated.
Tom: So he freshness dates things?
Crow: His freshness dating would have run out yesterday.
Tom: I knew I smelled something funky.
CAROLINE: Thank you, Del.
DEL: Oh, uh, I mean besides you. You're above all other women. Everyone else is second best, without you my life is a shambles, I'm putting the pieces back together. Anyway, Risa is incredible! But here's the thing - she'll only date Jewish guys. She says it was the way she was raised. Isn't that adorable? So, uh, I sort of told her...
Mike: I am a girl trapped in a idiot mans body.
CAROLINE: Del, you didn't!
All: He did.
DEL: I couldn't help it! It was like God told me to lie about my religion!
ANNIE: Wait a minute. You're pretending to be Jewish just to get a date?
RICHARD: [to Annie] You pretended you were nice to get a date.
Crow: Thats no crime, Mike pretended to be interesting for a date once.
Mike: Hey...what...actually that is true.
DEL: My problem is, I'm having dinner with her family tonight and this Jewish thing might come up. So, I was thinking...
Crow: He thinks? This is new.
RICHARD: [apprehensively] What?
DEL: You're Jewish, can't you help me out?
RICHARD: What, you want me to stand outside her window and be your Cyrano de Berkowitz?
Tom: Get your yamukula ready.
DEL: Nah, won't work. Too complicated. Look, just teach me some basic Jewish small talk, like uh, who's the guy on the roof?
Tom: Theres a guy on the roof? Crow go look.
Crow: Why me?
Tom: Cause I used the extra quicksand type of tapioca for your seat here.
RICHARD: Me, in about ten minutes if you don't leave me alone! [he gets up and walks towards the door; Del follows him] This is ridiculous. I'm talking my lunch break. Del, I don't want any part in this.
Mike: Us neither.
DEL: Come on, Richard!
RICHARD: Back off, Gentile! [they exit; Joe comes downstairs in normal clothes carrying a piece of paper]
Crow: Ah, Joe is selling his soul like bart did.
Tom: Better throw that in the bargain bin.
JOE: Caroline honey, we have a problem.
ANNIE: No, Joe, it's only if her urine turns the stick blue.
Tom: Stick?
CAROLINE: That's not funny.
Mike: You're telling us?
JOE: Have you seen the invitation for the awards ceremony?
Crow: Yea, it mentioned "No Joes Allowed"
CAROLINE: All I had to see was 'Caroline Duffy: winner', 'Plaza Hotel' and 'Ballroom dancing'. Let's show Annie how we look. Come on. [she starts dancing with him; he pulls away]
Tom: The doctor told him not to dance with her, his feet cant be stepped on anymore.
JOE: No, this is serious. One of the sponsors of this thing is Hamner Industries, and they make fur coats. Caroline, I'm a veterinarian.
CAROLINE: Joe, don't make this a thing. You make everything a thing.
Crow: Mike whats a thing?
Mike: A scene, she doesnt want him to make a scene on the most important day of her life.
JOE: Do you know how many minks it takes to make a fur coat?
CAROLINE: You know how many cartoons I had to draw to win an award?
Tom: Do you know how many licks it takes to get the center of a tootsie pop?
JOE: I'm sorry, I can't go.
Mike: He should discuss that problem with his proctologist and not with her and definately not with us around.
CAROLINE: I can't believe this! You know the last time I went ballroom dancing and won an award? Never! Annie, tell him how important it is!
ANNIE: Ohh no, I'm not getting involved in this. This is like my parents in the station wagon all over again. Wake me when we get to Nana's. [she puts her head in her hands and pretends to sleep]
Crow: Someone forget to wake her up please.
[Scene 3: The Glickman's dinner table. Mr and Mrs Glickman, Risa, Del, and Starr are there. Mrs Glickman is on the phone.]
RUTH: Because no. Daniel, you cannot use the condo this weekend. ... No, no! For three reasons: (A) you're not using it, (2) no, you can't, and (B) you're not using the condo. ... Don't raise your voice to me, Daniel. I'm not garbage. Arnie? [she holds the phone up to Mr Glickman]
Tom: Wow, she is thorough.
ARNIE: Your mother's not garbage.[Mrs Glickman takes the phone back]
Crow: But she is trash.
Mike: IS she recyclable?
Crow: Depends on the mom.
RUTH: Because no. ... Daniel, because no. ... Because you're not using the condo! ... No! Because...no! [she hangs up] He's impossible. You give him a reason, and he's never satisfied. Arnie, you're breathing from your mouth in front of company.
ARNIE: I'm a mouth breather, Ruth. You knew that when you married me!
Tom: Oh man is he more whipped than pudding.
DEL: That's okay, Mrs Glickman, I can hardly hear him.
RUTH: Del, we don't stand on ceremony here, so I'm going to say what I'm going to say.
All: Just say it and shut up!
ARNIE: Say it, Ruth.
RUTH: I'm glad that Risa is dating a Jewish boy. There, I said it.
Mike: Not like we needed to hear it but okay.
STARR: So, exactly what kind of name is Cassidy? It doesn't sound Jewish.
RISA: Ma, she's starting.
Crow: (sings "Start it up")
Tom: Crow you got half the words in that song wrong.
RUTH: [warning] Starr!
STARR: [whines] Dad!
ARNIE: [sharply] Ruth!
Crow: Luke!
Tom: Chief!
Crow: McCloud!
DEL: I know, I know. Dad and I fight about that all the time, but I plan to change it back to Cassidowitz the minute he dies.
Mike: And of course evil never dies.
RISA: [to Del] She always picks on my boyfriends. Ignore her.
Tom: (As Del) Kinda hard to dear, shes like a Jewish harpy.
STARR: You know, before we eat, would you like to lead us in the blessing, Del?
DEL: Yeah, oh yeah, sure, I'll say the blessing. It's a...Jewish blessing. [they all hold their hands together and close their eyes] Dear Lord, our people wandered the dessert for forty years. In sandals, that's gotta hurt. And the Pharaoh, don't get me started on him. But it's all worth it...when you see brisket like this. Amen.
Crow: (fake crying) That was beautiful man. I love you.
Tom: (as Del) You can't have my bud light dude.
Crow: Damn!
STARR: What kind of a prayer is that?
RISA: Ma!
RUTH: Starr!
STARR: Dad!
ARNIE: Ruth!
All: Guys!
DEL: Well, you see, I went to a very progressive Hebrew school where they didn't allow you any...you know, uh, Hebrew.
RISA: Doesn't he have the best sense of humour?
Crow: (Blows raspberry and laughs) Yeah right.
ARNIE: I had a sense of humour once.
RUTH: You had a prostate once too.
Tom: We didnt need to hear that.
STARR: So, what temple do you go to?
Mike: Bethsheba.
RISA: Ma!
RUTH: Starr!
STARR: Dad!
ARNIE: Ruth!
Crow: These people.
DEL: It's okay, Mrs Glickman. She has a right to ask. Starr, I don't belong to any one temple. Nobody belongs to a temple, a temple's a building. [he meshes his fingers and holds up both index fingers together] And here is the steeple. [he turns his hands over] Look inside, and here are the people. And Starr, this middle finger is you. [Starr looks incredibly offended, but stays calm] And Risa, this is you, [to Arnie] and you, and lovely Mrs Glickman over there. Because we're all, each of us...Jews. [they raise their glasses] Especially me.
[pause]
Tom:He's wasting talent.
Crow: What talent?
STARR: So, where were you bar mitzvahed?
RISA: Oh, that's it, Starr, you're wearin' this brisket! [she gets up on the table and starts fighting with Starr]
Mike: Must be wearing white after labor day.
[Scene 4: Caroline's apartment. Caroline and Annie are there.]
CAROLINE: I'm never going to get anybody to go to this thing with me. I mean, even Olive Oyl had two guys fighting over her!
Tom: And she aint even all that, either.
ANNIE: Call Bluto, see what he's up to.
CAROLINE: That's a great idea! [she picks up a Roladex]
Crow: Wow, she is desperate.
ANNIE: You know Bluto?
CAROLINE: No no no, remember Willard Stevens? He's a good dancer.
ANNIE: [screwing her face up] The guy with the big man breasts?
Mike: She met My Uncle Yugle?
CAROLINE: He was cuddly.
ANNIE: Cuddly? He was a D-cup, he was bald, and he couldn't say his Rs! Why don't you ask Richard to go with you?
Crow: She'd have to pay overtime.
CAROLINE: Nah, I don't want to ruin the evening for everyone.
[Charlie enters]
CHARLIE: Ding dong, Avon Lady! Ha-ha, just kidding.
Tom: Nope, not when Charlie can do it.
[Caroline gives him an envelope]
CAROLINE: Listen, Charlie, what are you going to be doing-
Crow: ..next year?
ANNIE: Nooo! [through clenched teeth] Caroline, I am not going to let you!
CAROLINE: [whispers] I like Charlie!
ANNIE: No!
Mike: Guess she can really say "Sorry Charlie" now huh?
CHARLIE: Oh, it's okay, it's okay, I get this all the time. But let me just be really straight with you - I will not father your child.
Tom: Oh I don't need that thought in my head.
CAROLINE: Oh, well, I just had to ask.
CHARLIE: [chuckling] No, you gotta ask! [he exits]
Tom: But we'd prefer if you didn't.
CAROLINE: That's it, I'm calling Willard Stevens.
Crow: The weather guy? Isnt he busy wishing a old guy happy birthday?
ANNIE: Well, let him know there's dancing. He should wear a sports bra.
[Caroline takes the phone into the other room; Del enters]
DEL: Oy, such traffic!
Mike: OY, hes back.
ANNIE: Well well well, if it isn't Hanukkah Harry!
DEL: So, I met Risa's parents last night, they're amazing! They laughed, they cried...they're just like my family without the scotch.
Crow: So they are tape?
[Caroline enters] CAROLINE: [on phone] That's great, Willard, I can't wait to see you! [she hangs up] He's not busy, he's going to come with me!
Tom: We dont want to know that either.
ANNIE: Imagine that, the big bald guy with the speech impediment is free!
DEL: And the best part is, I was such a hit with her folks last night that Risa has invited me away for the weekend to, shall I say, consummate the relationship.
CAROLINE: Are you serious?
Crow: Unfortunately.
DEL: Why, was that not the right word?
CAROLINE: No...you told her you weren't Jewish, didn't you?
DEL: I was planning to after the weekend.
Mike: After the whole sex bit.
CAROLINE: Uh, you know, Del, we've slept together, and if you get naked with this woman she's going to know way before then.
[Annie gets a look of realisation]
ANNIE: Oh, you mean he's not...
CAROLINE: Nope.
DEL: What are you guys talking about?
Crow: Yeah, what?
CAROLINE: Let me put it this way, Del - you're a turtleneck kind of guy, while the Jewish men...they prefer a crewneck.
[Del looks down at himself]
Mike: What is he looking for?
Crow: If he has to look, circumcision is not his only problem.
DEL: Oy...
Tom: Let's go.
Crow: Del, get ready to kiss Mr Happy goodbye.
Tom: Let's not.
(We are in the theater still)
Tom: We have to stay.
Crow: Why?
Mike: The doors still jammed.
Crow: Great! And I had a pot roast in the oven.
(We hear smoke alarm.)
Crow: And it sounds like its done.
Go on to the second part of Caroline and the Nice Jewish Guy.
