PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff.
Tom: Hes got doom! I know it!
Crow: Nah, hes a master at solitaire.
MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.
Mike: I could give her a job.
Tom and Crow look at him.
Mike: We need a maid round here.
JOEY: [reading over her shoulder] Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?
Mike: No.
Tom: He means Monica.
MNCA: There's an ad for a naked chef?
Crow: Let me see!
Tom: I don't think its a picture ad.
Crow: Damn! (sits back)
JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... [rubs his fingers together]
Crow, Tom and Mike chuckle.
Crow: He needs to learn subtley.
[Ross enters, distraught.]
Mike: Does he always look like that?
ROSS: Hi.
Tom: (mocking) Hi.
PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night?
Crow: I thought we knew this part already.
ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful.
Tom: Painful like a brick to the head.
Crow: One of those would work wonders for him.
MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.
Crow: How does she know, was she down the alley with binoculars?
ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?
Mike: He does mean the saline solution right?
JOEY: You got all that from saline solution?
MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.
Tom: (sings) Justttttt youuuuu andddddd Rachellllll!
Crow: (as Rachel) What, what, what?
RACH: [to Ross] Hey, you.
Tom: Hey Jude.
Mike: Hey there.
Crow: Hey - seed.
ROSS: How are you?
RACH: Good. How are you?
ROSS: Good.
Crow: Well this can get old real quick.
[Julie enters.]
Crow and Tom boo Julie.
Mike: Hey, give her a chance, techinically shes the victim here right?
Crow looks at him.
Mike: I have an open mind too.
JULIE: Hi, honey.
Tom: Hi bee.
ROSS: Hi, Julie. [nervous] Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you?
JULIE: Good.
ROSS: [uncomfortable] Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe?
Mike: Think he's trying to hide something?
Tom: Nah, what gives you that idea.
Mike: How often does Phoebe get begged to sing, rather than begged to stop?
Tom: Ah.
PHOE: Oh, well, actually.
ROSS: [impatient] Play it.
Tom: (Ingrid Bergman) Play "As Time Goes By"
Crow: (Humphrey Bogart) Play it again Sam.
PHOE: Ok, all right.
JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.
JULIE: What?
ROSS: [to Joey] Ssshh.
Mike: Is air deflating out of his hair?
Mike: Didn't Stevie Wonder do this song?
Crow: Good thing he doesnt see this show.
Tom: Yeah.
Crow: Cause he's blind.
Mike: We get it!
[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, realizing the song is about their situation.]
Crow: (as Phoebe.) This is a totally made up song about Ross and Rachel and Julie. Oops!
PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!
Tom: Whats that sound?
Mike: I think it's Elvis spinning in his grave.
Crow: (Looks at side of screen.) False alarm. Its just Gunther making a mochachino.
[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's (RTST) office. Monica is there about a job.]
Crow: One word Monica! Run!
RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo.
Tom: Think he's italian.
Crow: He kinda looks like Lenny or Squiggy.
Mike: You'd think life hit bottom when you beg Squiggy for a job.
Tom: Sounds like something you'd do Mike.
Mike: Well maybe....hey!
MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.
RTST: Mockolate.
MNCA: I'm sorry?
Tom: (as Ratstatters) Sorry, clearing my throat.
RTST: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.
MNCA: Ohh.
Mike: Is that kind of like a good movie is a substitute for a bad movie.
Crow: Sounds good to me.
[He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.]
Tom: He gotta remember to change his underwear.
Crow and Mike: EWWWWW!
RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.
MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm.
Tom: I don't want to be her right now.
[She tastes it, and obviously hates it.]
Crow: For instant repulsion...try mockolate!
RTST: Yeah? MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to show it] I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.
Tom: I don't think anything is supposed to do that.
RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.
Crow: Wow, what a way to bring a family to the hospital for the holidays. Mockolate cream pie.
Tom: I love a nice steaming cup of mockolate after skating, and even more after it gets pumped out of my stomach.
Mike: You don't have a stomach, Tom.
Tom: Yay!
MNCA: [still chewing] Mmm-mmm.
Crow: Shes a wonderful actress.
Tom: She should have Joeys agent.
RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.
MNCA: Wow.
Crow: Blech.
RTST: Aren't you going to swallow that?
MNCA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.
Mike: So its a choclate covered alka-sletzer?
Crow: Sure, sick and well are wrapped up in a yummy pacakge.
RTST: Yeah, isn't that great?
MNCA: [with false enthusiasm] Mmm.
Mike: Is her mouth stuck together?
RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested?
Crow, Tom, Mike: Run Monica! Run fast run far!
MNCA: Abso...[swallows hard]...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.
Tom: Shes also a gifted storyteller.
RTST: Really?
MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas.
Mike: Right up until New Years and then she can start all over again with the mockolate egg nog.
Tom: And you wonder why she lost her cooking job.
Crow: It wasnt because of her cooking style, some stupid misunderstanding.
Tom: Ah.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are there. Monica is suggesting Mockolate recipes to Phoebe.]R
Crow: We reconvene the peanut gallery for a special taste testing event!
MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse?
Tom: (as Rocky Bullwinkle) Hey Rocky, some girls trying to eat me!
PHOE: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.
MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?
PHOE: What makes it pilgrim?
Tom: Eww. They're gonna eat a pilgrim?
MNCA: We'll put buckles on it.
Mike: How kosher.
[Rachel enters.]
Crow: Hi honey I'm..oh I'm a chick.
RACH: Hey.
PHOE: Hey.
MNCA: Hey.
Crow, Mike, Tom: Hi Rachel.
Crow: Home from her hard day as welder.
Tom: Shes a dancer too?
Crow: You wish.
Mike: You bet.
RACH: Did uh, Ross call?
MNCA: No, I'm sorry.
RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."
PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.
Tom: (as Rachel) So that three hundred dollars I spent on the comedy lessons was a waste!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]
Crow: He has guns?
Mike: No, its a figure of speech!
ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
Tom: Don't complain man! I've had worst nightmares than this.
Crow: Tom, youre awake.
CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.
Mike: He was worse problems than me!
Tom: Don't we know.
JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for the computer]
Crow: Time for a good round of solitaire
CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.
Mike: Yes sir.
JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.
Crow: Ewwwww.
Tom: And I thought Crow had a dirty mind.
[Ross gives him an insulted look.]
CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.
Tom: Neat!
ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?
CHAN: No, Amish boy.
Crow: Yeah, go build a barn somewhere.
JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.
R Mike: Well of course you have to do her first. She has lots of good stuff. (Crow and Tom look at him) Well she does right?
ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
JOEY: You could say that.
Tom: He did!
ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.
Crow: Hey, she'll bring you anything you want and get it right 50% of the time.
CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?
Tom: Briefs or boxers?
Crow: Thats really a guy thing.
Tom: Oh.
ROSS: I don't know.
JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.
CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel.
Mike: Duh!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica has made food for Phoebe and Rachel to taste.]
Mike: A little mockolate makes every day great!
Crow: Are you trying to make a commerical for them?
MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.
Tom: Out with tradition! Lets have a mockolate food fight!
[Rachel takes a bite.]
RACH: Oh my god.
MNCA: Oh my god good?
RACH: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.
[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.]
PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!
Crow: Lets make sure Dr F never gets this recipe.
Tom: Really. Lets leave before she makes us eat some.
( We see the doors opening and closing out to the desk area, Crow and Mike once again find they are alone.)
Crow: Okay, where's Tom THIS time?
Mike: Beats me. He did give his wig to Frank didnt he?
Crow: Oh yeah, we did see it on the little rascal.
Mike: Oh, the hexfield is lighting up again.
Crow: Try and act surprised if its you know who.
Mike: Right. (Hits button) Hello!
(The hexfield viewscreen opens to reveal Tom, but this time he has a much longer wig on. He has a microphone stand and a guitar.)
Crow: Let me guess, youre not Rachel any more but youre now Phoebe?
Tom: (Sings) Yes, I am Phoebe and Phoebe is I!
Crow: Oh you do remember Phoebe didn't sing her lines.
Tom: I'm hear today to sing a song, a song my friends that defines a generation. A real feel good tune, if you will.I am hear to sing a song of the richness of lifes greatest miracles!
Mike: You're not gonna sing Smelly cat are you?
Tom: Au contrair Mike, I am gonna sing the mockolate song.
Crow: Oh god. (Rolls eyes) I would actually prefer John Agar to this.
Mike: Don't let Dr F hear that.
Tom: (sings)Mockolate, oh Mockolate,
Monicas icky alternative to chocolate,
Dont eat some, cause I warn ya,
You wont feel good in the morning!
(pauses)
Any requests?
Crow: Yah, shut up.
Mike: Thank god! We got sitcom sign!
Move on to the second part of TOW List
