Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Friends Time - The One With the Princess Leia Fantasy
(We see the desk area. Matt LeBlanc is sweeping the floor.)
Tom: Thats it boy, faster!
Matt: I’m doing it already!
Mike: Tom, can I speak with you?
Crow: Yeah, come over here and leave the whip on the table.
Tom: Sure guys. Whats up?
Mike: Why do we Matt LeBlanc sweeping the floor?
Tom: I felt sorry after Dr F dumped him the other day so I offered the dude
a job.
Mike: Thats all right in principle I guess.
Crow: As long as he doesnt do my laundry I’m all right. My clothes are
delicate.
Mike: Crow youre a naked robot.
Crow: Oh right.
Tom: Don’t worry guys, you can use him too.
Mike: Thats what I was afraid of. We got Friends sign!
Matt: Can I come?
Crow: As long as you are quiet, sure.
Matt: I better stay here then.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater)
[Scene 1 Central Perk, the whole gang is entering]
JOEY: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me.
ALL: Did not, she did not wink at you...(sees that their sacred couch is occupied by strangers).
Crow: All right! A fight!
CHANDLER: Huh. (They all leave, dejected)
Crow: Do’h!
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene 2: Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating
breakfast.]
Tom: (makes eating noises)
ROSS: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison.
Mike: And I have to say wha?
RACHEL: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is The Way We Were.
PHOEBE: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy
on Who's The Boss.
RACHEL: What song was that, Pheebs?
Tom: "Daniel"?
Crow: "Rocket man"?
PHOEBE: (singing) Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za.
Mike: You were close.
(Monica enters from her bedroom)
Crow: Hello ugly.
PHOEBE: Hi Monica!
ROSS: Hey Mon!
RACHEL: Hey Mon!
Tom: I wonder if thats Monica.
(she just walks straight into the bathroom)
PHOEBE: Oh my God, has she slept at all?
Mike: I thought god was a he.
ROSS: Nope.
RACHEL: No, it's been three nights in a row.
ROSS: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one
of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so.
Crow: Thats gross, touching another guys butt.
Tom: He meant the cigar you gimp.
PHOEBE: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning,
but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call.
Tom: Course he could call collect.
[Scene 3: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in from the bedroom]
CHANDLER: Morning.
Crow: Noon.
Mike: Night.
JOEY: Morning, hey, you made pancakes?
Crow: I thought they were coasters.
CHANDLER: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that.
JANICE: (entering and singing) Monica and Rachel had syrup, now I can
get my man to cheer up. (laughs hysterically) Good morning Joey.
JOEY: (sarcastically) Good morning.
CHANDLER: Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me.
Mike: Hang out? I dont want to see anything from this guy hanging out.
JANICE: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer.
CHANDLER: I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is
getting divorced. I'm such a grown up.
JANICE: (laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss.
All: (Cringe)
CHANDLER: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay.
JOEY: (under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!
Crow: Yeah. Do it already.
Mike: She just wants a kiss.
Crow: Oh.
JANICE: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey.
JOEY: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her.
Mike: Quickly I hope.
CHANDLER: Nope, not this time.
JOEY: Come on, quite yankin' me.
CHANDLER: I'm not *yanking* you.
Tom: (as Joey) Then whats this in my hand?
JOEY: This is Janice.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.
JOEY: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking.
CHANDLER: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they
stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)
Mike: Psych!
[Scene 4: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is entering from the bathroom.]
MONICA: God, look what I found in the drain.
RACHEL: What?!
Crow: A personaliyy?
MONICA: It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it close to Ross) What do
I do with this?
Mike: We're like eating. Go away with you and you little hairy clump.
ROSS: Getting it away from me would be job one.
MONICA: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away.
I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair.
Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal)
Tom: Fiber!
PHOEBE: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in
your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.)
MONICA: God, what is wrong with me.
Mike: Don't get us started.
Crow: Really.
ROSS: You need to get some sleep.
MONICA: I need to get some Richard.
Tom: You need a LIFE!
RACHEL: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.
MONICA: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired
of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called!
Mike: Cause he realized it was over before you did?
PHOEBE: Maybe, because you told him not to.
MONICA: What are you the memory woman?
Tom: Shes actually space case woman but thats another story.
JOEY: (entering) Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their
not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything.
Crow: (as Joey) Not even when I pulled all his toenails out.
RACHEL: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them
together, they're really cute.
Mike: Cute like a toxic spill maybe.
JOEY: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice?
RACHEL: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what
she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do?
JOEY: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do?
Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross?
ROSS: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him
happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her.
Tom: But are they adults?
JOEY: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right?
[Scene 5: Ross's bedroom, Ross is working and Rachel is reading a book in
bed]
Mike: (reads as Rachel) My sex life with a dinosaur addict chapter one.
RACHEL: (she leans over and kisses him on the cheek) Honey, I was
wondering....
ROSS: Hmm?
RACHEL: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform?
Crow: So Ross was all that he could be huh.
ROSS: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place.
RACHEL: Hmm.
ROSS: I think I have an old band uniform from high school.
RACHEL: You remember not having sex in high school, right?
Mike: Not really.
ROSS: Yeah.
RACHEL: Well honey, what about you?
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things?
Tom: Yeah like one time I...
Mike: Tom!
ROSS: No.
RACHEL: Come on you gotta have one!
ROSS: Nope.
RACHEL: Ross, you know what...
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: ...if you tell me, I might do it.
Crow: Tell her what Mike?
Mike: I don't know, I'm seeing this for the first time just like you.
ROSS: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi?
RACHEL: Yeah.
All: Yes.
ROSS: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba
had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia.
RACHEL: Oooh!
ROSS: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was
pretty cool.
Crow: In that outfit she had to be.
[Scene 6: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there]
Mike: (as Rachel) Who can I tell Ross's fantasy about first?
PHOEBE: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age
loved that.
RACHEL: Really!
All: Oh yeah.
PHOEBE: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know
she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know.
Crow: Playboy centerfold.
RACHEL: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing?
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh!
All: (jump back)
RACHEL: Really! That-that great huh?
PHOEBE: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya!
ROSS: (entering with Monica in tow) Hey!
RACHEL: Hi you guys!
ROSS: Look who I found standing outside of the Szechwan Dragon staring
at a parking meter.
Tom: I wouldnt be Monica right?
RACHEL: Mon. Hi!
MONICA: Hi.
RACHEL: Why aren't you at work?
MONICA: Oh, they-they sent me home.
RACHEL: Why?
Mike: Cause shes a lameo.
MONICA: Because I don't work at the Szechwan Dragon.
ROSS: Okay.
RACHEL: You really, really need to get some sleep, honey.
Crow: Take a bath girl, you are smelling funky too.
MONICA: I know I do.
Crow: Then what are you waiting for?
ROSS: Hi.
RACHEL: Hi.
ROSS: Guess what?
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: They publised my paper.
Tom: Fascinating. :P
RACHEL: Oh, really, let me see, let me see.
PHOEBE: Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to her ears to make her hair
look like the Princess Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me. (Ross stands up horrified)There he is.
Tom: If that was Luke Skywalker, the great space war
would be over befor it began.
Crow: Let's split.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk area.)
Tom: Matt you missed a spot.
Matt: Be right there. (he comes over) Hey, I just cleaned it up.
Tom: Well its back again.
Mike: Tom?
Tom: Another talk?
Mike: Bingo.
Tom: Right o.
Mike: Tom are you spilling stuff just to give Matt something to do?
Tom: No! (Crow and Mike look at him) Well yes.
Crow: Why?
Tom: I have never had a lacky before. I want to work him hard and long and
refuse to give him pepsi. (Laughs)
(Mike and Crow look at him.)
Tom: All right. I'll knock it off.
Mike: We got "Friends" sign!
