Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Caroline Time - Caroline and the Dearly Departed
(We see the desk area.)
Mike: Hey, Dr F said this might be the last Caroline we see in a while.
Crow and Tom: Yay!
Mike: Next week we may actually see a movie.
Crow and Tom: Boo!
Mike: So today we will make this Caroline special. We will sing “Ta Da!” Every
time someone enters the room and “Sayonara” when someone leaves.
Crow: I can deal with that.
Tom: But surely Mike, we can think of better stuff than that.
Mike: I’m sure we can, and don’t call me Shirley.
Tom: We got Caroline Sign!
(We see the doors open and close leading to the theater)
[Scene 1: The Kenneth Arabian Art Gallery. Kenneth and Richard are there. Richard is holding up a painting]
Mike: We now join “The Flea Market Gallery” already in progress.
RICHARD: Kenneth, I just finished painting this, and I wanted you to be the first to see it. [Kenneth starts to pick the painting up, then pulls his hand away and shows it to Richard so he can see the paint smudges on it] Like I said, I just finished painting it.
Tom: Freshly brewed Crap!
KENNETH: Richard, I told you before. Some day I'll exhibit your work, this just isn't the time. [he walks into the other room; Richard follows him]
Mike: (points) Its Bulldog from Frasier!
RICHARD: Kenneth, Kenneth, come on! [he starts looking at the paintings on the wall] I mean, what does, uh, Miguel Dominguez have that I don't have, huh? Or, or, John Ch- [incredulously] John Chang? I went to art school with this guy! I could paint circles around him!
Crow: I thought that was all he could do.
KENNETH: Well, the police beat you to it. He was gunned down on Third.
RICHARD: What? Oh my god! Oh my god, that's awful!
Tom: He was one of the lucky ones.
Crow: NBC was too cheap to cast him a part.
KENNETH: Yes, but great for his career. [he points to several paintings] Sold, sold, sold.
RICHARD: Wait wait wait, just because he's dead? Wow...I have eczema, how 'bout hanging a little one? [an intercom buzzes, Kenneth answers it]
Tom: Buzzy the bee wants one too.
KENNETH: Whatever it is - no. I'm in a meeting. [Richard walks over to a wall and tries to hang his painting over one of John Chang's] Uh-uh! Take that down. [into intercom] Of course, in a minute. ... No, it's okay. It's just Karinsky. [he hangs up] Richard, I'm sorry, I have to cut this short. Hilton Traynor is on his way in.
RICHARD: Hilton Traynor?
KENNETH: Yeah.
RICHARD: The art critic?
Mike: No, Hilton Traynor the hotel chain!
KENNETH: Yes.
RICHARD: Oh my god, I never thought of him as walking on earth. I mean, I always pictured him perched on Mount Olympus, making or breaking careers.
[Hilton enters]
All: (sing) Ta DA!
HILTON: Yes, but one must descend from time to time to pick up one's drycleaning.
Crow: ooh! Huh?
KENNETH: Hilton, it is good to see you. So, what brings you to this neighbourhood?
HILTON: Well, I was down here looking at some art, and for variation I thought I'd stop in at your place.
Tom: (makes rim shot noise)
KENNETH: That's funny. Hilton, you are funny. Funny, funny, funny. Oh, I like this layered look.
[Richard clears his throat]
HILTON: And your consumptive friend would be?
KENNETH: Hilton, this is Richard Karinsky.
Mike: No hes just got something in his throat.
[Richard holds his painting up in Hilton's face]
RICHARD: How do you do?
Tom: Also known as Mr Obvious.
HILTON: So fresh, so eager! You remind me of yourself at your age, except I was an enormous success and needed nothing from anyone. [he starts walking away]
RICHARD: Mr Traynor, Mr Traynor, Mr Traynor! Look, I know this is a long shot, but is there any way an artist of my calibre could have his work reviewed by someone as esteemed as yourself?
Crow: Nope.
HILTON: It's possible. If you could arrange for the destruction of everything on this planet except for me and your art, I'm certain boredom would get the better of me and eventually I would look at it.
RICHARD: Mr Traynor, please, just take a look.
HILTON: Alright.
[Richard holds up the painting; Hilton glances nonchalantly at it, then exits]
All: Sayronara!
Tom: Short and sweet. I like it.
KENNETH: Congratulations on your first review. [he exits]
All: Sayronara!
[Scene 2: Remo's. Caroline is sitting at a table, Del and Charlie are standing around her]
DEL: Okay, you ready? I really think you're going to like this one. Coming this fall from Eagle Greetings: scented greeting cards.
Mike: (as Caroline) Well I really think you are one weird mamajama.
CAROLINE: Scented cards?
CHARLIE: Here, smell this. [he gives a card to Caroline] I love saying that to women.
Tom: Great, cards that actually stink, cause they stink.
[Caroline sniffs the card]
CAROLINE: What is this, chocolate chip cookies?
DEL: Yeah! And when you smell chocolate chip cookies, what do you think of?
Crow: The time Frank mistook that catbox for the cookie tray?
CAROLINE: Saturday night, no date...crying jags, raw cookie dough.
DEL: No, Mothers' Day. But hey, depressed thirty-something spinsters...
CHARLIE: That's good, that's good.
Tom: For who though?
[they start writing on notepads]
Mike: (reads) Stupidest idea ever, consider throwing Charlie under bus.
CAROLINE: I'm glad my empty life could help.
[Richard enters, carrying his painting]
All: Ta DA!
Tom: Wow, even the blind beggar on the corner refused the painting.
RICHARD: Hi.
CAROLINE: Richard, come on over here and smell this.
Crow: He aint desperate Del.
RICHARD: Okay, let's go over my job description one more time.
Crow: See?
CAROLINE: How'd your meeting with Kenneth go?
RICHARD: Oh, you know. [muttering] I hate that man, I hate that man, I hate that man! Well, the usual.
DEL: Hey Richard, cool painting! I really like this one.
Mike: Del, Richards not the one you suck up to.
RICHARD: Really, Del? What do you like about it?
[Del looks at the painting for a moment]
DEL: Okay look, I'm just trying to be polite. Don't push it.
Tom: That looks like something I had for dinner once.
CAROLINE: I'm sorry your meeting didn't go well.
RICHARD: Do you know what the worst part is? John Chang, this guy I went to art school with, he was just killed, and now he's hanging on Arabian's wall!
CHARLIE: Howcome they didn't bury him?
Tom: Ah Charlie - hes the Mike of CITC.
Mike: Hey!
CAROLINE: Wait a minute, Kenneth's showing him just because he died?
RICHARD: Yeah! The guy couldn't sell one painting his entire life, and now, boom, they're going for forty grand a pop.
Crow: Wow, sodas expensive.
[Johnny walks up to them]
JOHNNY: Excuse me. I'm no great expert on the arts, I'm just a humble servant, but we would be proud...no, honoured...no, proud, to hang one of Richard Karinsky's paintings on our wall.
CAROLINE: See there?
All: Yeah.
RICHARD: I had no idea you felt that way about my work.
JOHNNY: Well, I do. And this is a nice big one, it's going to cover all that water damage. [he picks up the painting and carries it over to the left-hand wall]
CHARLIE: Hey Richard, look on the bright side. Some day you could be covering water damage in the Louvre!
Crow: Perfect. Can we PLEASE kill Charlie?
RICHARD: Perfect. Seven months of work, and I'm an alternative to Spackle. [he exits]
CAROLINE: That poor guy.
All: Sayronara!
Mike: Nah, what are you gonna do.
Crow: Don’t encourage her.
DEL: Wow, yeah. He really got a raw deal. Is there anything we can do?
CHARLIE: Let's go bowling.
DEL: Last one there's a rotten egg!
Tom: Now that Heckle and Jeckle have left.
Crow: Lets lay off the ta da and sayronara, ok?
Tom and Mike: Ok.
[they exit; Caroline walks over to Johnny]
CAROLINE: Johnny, Richard is so depressed. Well, even more depressed than usual. I wish there was something I could do to cheer him up.
JOHNNY: Well, you could go out with me.
Mike: How do you spell fat chance?
CAROLINE: And how would that help?
JOHNNY: [sheepish] I don't know, I just thought I'd give it a shot.
Tom: Well you missed it.
[Daniel walks up to them]
DANIEL: Wow, that is some painting.
Mike: It’s something all right?
JOHNNY: Hey, if it makes you sick I could take it down 'til you're done eating.
DANIEL: No, actually I kind of like it.
JOHNNY: [shrugging] Fine... [he walks away]
Tom: Don’t go away mad.
CAROLINE: You know, it's for sale.
DANIEL: Really?
Crow: (as Caroline) No, its really pathetic.
CAROLINE: Uh-huh.
DANIEL: Nope, I just bought something three weeks ago.
Mike: And it was a lot better than this.
CAROLINE: But this is a great opportunity. A chance to discover a new artist.
DANIEL: I can't buy anything today, but I'll tell you what: maybe I'll come back and take a look at it again later.
CAROLINE: Well, you better do it now, because it'll be a lot more valuable soon.
All: (scoff)
DANIEL: Why, did the artist just die?
[pause]
CAROLINE: Yeah!
[Scene 3: Caroline's apartment. Richard is standing by the desk. Caroline opens the door and pokes her head around the corner]
Crow: Close the door! Quickly before she comes all the way in!
CAROLINE: [brightly] Hi!
RICHARD: [without even turning around] What'd you do?
Crow: Wow, shes that obivous?
CAROLINE: A bad thing.
RICHARD: You snuck thirteen items through the express line again?
CAROLINE: [walking into the apartment] No, bigger than that.
RICHARD: You killed a man just to watch him die?
Mike: Hopefully Charlie.
CAROLINE: Somewhere in between, but a little closer to the second. [Richard finally turns around, and starts walking towards her] You wouldn't strike a woman holding out a cheque to you, would you? [she holds a cheque out at arm's reach; Richard takes it]
RICHARD: Whoa, whoa, whoa, look at all those zeroes! Who is Daniel Cowen, and what'd you tell him I would do for this? Because I'll do it, I just need to know what to wear!
CAROLINE: A black suit. Uh, I told him you were kind of...dead, so he'd buy one of your paintings.
Tom: Course being dead isnt far from the norm for Richard anyway.
RICHARD: [stunned] What?
CAROLINE: I know, I know, it just came out of my mouth. You were telling me about John Chang, and how prices go up when you're dead, and I-
Crow: ...I opened my big fat yap and ran with it.
RICHARD: How is it possible...how is it possible that I never thought of this before? I've thought about killing myself, but never for fun and profit! Caroline, you are brilliant! [he hugs her, then walks towards the door]
CAROLINE: Where are you going?
RICHARD: [overjoyed] What difference does it make? I'm DEAD, baby!
Tom: Well call before you come back. I want to be gone.
[Scene 4: Caroline's apartment. Richard, Caroline, Del and Charlie are there. Richard is on the phone]
All: (sing) Oh no, here they come, the members of the deadbeat clubbbbb.
RICHARD: I'm sorry to have been the one to give you the sad news of Mr Karinsky's death. The first thing he said when he got your notice was, 'Finally, a chance to serve jury duty'. [everyone rolls their eyes] ... No, thank you. [he hangs up, then dials again] Wow, this is easier than I thought! [on phone] Yeah, can I have the number for the student loan services?
[Caroline gets up and takes the phone away from him]
Crow: Richards been calling them sex lines again.
CAROLINE: Okay Richard, this is getting kind of creepy.
DEL: This dying thing is great.
CAROLINE: You're not helping, Del.
Tom: How does he get in there? Hes an actual friend?
DEL: No, I'm thinking, you're going out with a woman, you screw up, you pretend to die, you come back as your twin brother to console her! Fresh start!
CAROLINE: Wow, and I let you slip away.
DEL: Or was it my twin brother?
All: Aarrgh.
CHARLIE: You know what's cool? When you're dead, you can walk around and no-one will be able to see you.
RICHARD: [humouring him] I'm looking forward to that.
Crow: Me too.
[Annie enters, carrying a newspaper]
ANNIE: Hey Richard, look! They ran your obituary in the "Times".
Tom: Dead dork walking.
RICHARD: Alright, I'll take that
ANNIE: Uh, fifty cents, please.
RICHARD: Oh, certainly, certainly. [he holds up his cheque] Do you have change for this? [he shows it off to everyone] Huh? Huh? No? No-one in this room has change for that!
Mike: Possibly Ted Turner.
[Annie takes the cheque off him]
ANNIE: Daniel Cowen? That's who bought your painting? Oh my god, do you know who he is?
RICHARD: A brilliant man with taste.
Tom: Apparently not
ANNIE: He's the casting director for "Days of our Lives". He's been refusing to see me for years
RICHARD: Like I said, a brilliant man with taste.
Tom: I take that back.
CAROLINE: Richard, you actually put your obituary in the "Times"? What if your friends see that?
ANNIE: [quietly, shaking her head] Caroline.
RICHARD: Okay, obituary done. Now, I need to get Hilton Traynor to write an article about the late me in his magazine. [everyone makes disbelieving noises] Oh come on, don't you get it? The publicity raises the value of my paintings, I retire to a villa in Rome, and every evening I sip Chianti served to me by a lusty wench.
Mike: I hear Gena Lee Nolin will be free soon.
ANNIE: Richard, I told you I'm not going!
CHARLIE: I ain't lusty, but I'll go.
Tom: Yah! Take him, throw him in a volcano! Yeah!
RICHARD: Yeah, yeah, you can laugh all you want, but this is a brilliant plan, okay? I mean, come on, everybody thinks I'm dead! Any time I need more money, I just paint a new, undiscovered Karinsky!
DEL: [Boris Badenov impression] That is brilliant plan, but I still don't see how it will rid world of moose and squirrel.
Mike: Del goes into the volcano too.
RICHARD: Now, who should I get to contact Hilton Traynor?
[everyone looks at Caroline]
CAROLINE: Why me? Why is it always me?
RICHARD: Because you have no spine, and you're incapable of saying no.
CAROLINE: [nodding] Okay, fair enough.
Tom: Its so true though.
Crow: Lets go.
(We see the doors opening and closing on the way out to the desk area. Its set up for funeral.)
Tom: Today we say goodbye to Mike. The big lug.
Tom and Crow gather by the coffin.
Crow: Today we say goodbye to the fleshy thing known as Mike.
(Mike begins to move.He wakes up.)
Mike: Hey guys, what are you doing? (no one responds) Oh you tried to bury
me again didnt you? Can’t I take a nape around here without..uugh!
Tom: I guess this means Mike will be locking his door from now on.
Crow: Yep! We got Caroline sign!
